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Thread: 10 years together: he says hes not in love with me

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Karen54321
    We are in our 60s and met over 10 years ago. Weve lived together for about 5 years. I was married before and got divorced 25 years ago. Hes never been married or lived with a woman before me. 3 years before we met, he broke an engagement because he realized he didnt want to marry her.

    I love him dearly. He says I love you often, but when we talk about marriage, he says he doesnt think hes in love with me.

    I think he may be brainwashed into looking for the starry-eyed romance of rom-coms and not recognizing the deep affection we have. We are always kind to each other and kiss and hug several times a day. We understand one another and have fun together.
    I think we can get caught up in semantics and before everyone tells her to hang him high and get a lawyer, look at this from another angle.

    How many people after a relationship of long duration get caught up in the fact that they don't feel those butterflies any longer? And is that's all that's going on here?

    She has the security of a home, a man who tells her he loves her(though not `IN' love) His actions and his words towards her are loving. They are affectionate and enjoy each others company.

    I get that she wants the commitment of a marriage, but personally I would want someone to be with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. (but this isn't about me)

    I don't hear that he's looking to go anywhere soon or has the desire to.
    If she wants to end it all over legal binding commitment and for him him to be able say it in a way that is meaningful to her, then I get it. But I think if you could look at it from his side maybe you might rethink and choose your battles wisely.

    Has he ever felt `In love' with her? Has he ever felt in love with anyone? It's possible he doesn't know the definition of love, yet he behaves lovingly towards her. From what I have read, these past 5 years have been fulfilling for the both of them.

    His actions should be more relevant then his choice of words.

    I am not siding with the bf. I just wanted to point out some things to consider before you throw it all away.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I think we can get caught up in semantics and before everyone tells her to hang him high and get a lawyer, look at this from another angle.

    How many people after a relationship of long duration get caught up in the fact that they don't feel those butterflies any longer? And is that's all that's going on here?

    She has the security of a home, a man who tells her he loves her(though not `IN' love) His actions and his words towards her are loving. They are affectionate and enjoy each others company.

    I get that she wants the commitment of a marriage, but personally I would want someone to be with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. (but this isn't about me)

    I don't hear that he's looking to go anywhere soon or has the desire to.
    If she wants to end it all over legal binding commitment and for him him to be able say it in a way that is meaningful to her, then I get it. But I think if you could look at it from his side maybe you might rethink and choose your battles wisely.

    Has he ever felt `In love' with her? Has he ever felt in love with anyone? It's possible he doesn't know the definition of love, yet he behaves lovingly towards her. From what I have read, these past 5 years have been fulfilling for the both of them.

    His actions should be more relevant then his choice of words.

    I am not siding with the bf. I just wanted to point out some things to consider before you throw it all away.
    The problem is, as I understand it, the OP would like for marriage to be an option, rather than being told he's not in love, so the answer is no, and her feeling he's "brainwashed" over wanting puppies and rainbows.

    She's not getting what she wants, but she'll settle because she loves him.

    Karen, not sure what you were looking for when you started this thread, but if you were looking for opinions, there's no opinion that matters other than your own.

    Stay with him, knowing that it's a lifetime of being with someone who isn't crazy about you. He likes you, he wants to hang with you and share a home, but he doesn't feel "it", and after all this time, he never will.

    If that's ok with you, then cool, party on.

    But there's no advice people can give you here, other than our own particular opinions, and I already gave mine: I couldn't do it. If you can, then cool, stay. Maybe you just wanted to vent, which is also cool.

    Just know, that staying means you will wake up at 70, at 80, and through the end of your life, knowing this man doesn't feel butterflies for you, and he never will.

  3. #23
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    He loves you like a friend. Why in the world is that enough for you?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I think we can get caught up in semantics and before everyone tells her to hang him high and get a lawyer, look at this from another angle.

    How many people after a relationship of long duration get caught up in the fact that they don't feel those butterflies any longer? And is that's all that's going on here?

    She has the security of a home, a man who tells her he loves her(though not `IN' love) His actions and his words towards her are loving. They are affectionate and enjoy each others company.

    I get that she wants the commitment of a marriage, but personally I would want someone to be with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. (but this isn't about me)

    I don't hear that he's looking to go anywhere soon or has the desire to.
    If she wants to end it all over legal binding commitment and for him him to be able say it in a way that is meaningful to her, then I get it. But I think if you could look at it from his side maybe you might rethink and choose your battles wisely.

    Has he ever felt `In love' with her? Has he ever felt in love with anyone? It's possible he doesn't know the definition of love, yet he behaves lovingly towards her. From what I have read, these past 5 years have been fulfilling for the both of them.

    His actions should be more relevant then his choice of words.

    I am not siding with the bf. I just wanted to point out some things to consider before you throw it all away.
    Not enough for me. My parents were married for 64 years, and they were still in love with one another.

    She is in love with him, he is not with her. Plus, she wants marriage. That will never happen. Different strokes.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    The problem is, as I understand it, the OP would like for marriage to be an option, rather than being told he's not in love, so the answer is no, and her feeling he's "brainwashed" over wanting puppies and rainbows.

    She's not getting what she wants, but she'll settle because she loves him.

    Karen, not sure what you were looking for when you started this thread, but if you were looking for opinions, there's no opinion that matters other than your own.

    Stay with him, knowing that it's a lifetime of being with someone who isn't crazy about you. He likes you, he wants to hang with you and share a home, but he doesn't feel "it", and after all this time, he never will.

    If that's ok with you, then cool, party on.

    But there's no advice people can give you here, other than our own particular opinions, and I already gave mine: I couldn't do it. If you can, then cool, stay. Maybe you just wanted to vent, which is also cool.

    Just know, that staying means you will wake up at 70, at 80, and through the end of your life, knowing this man doesn't feel butterflies for you, and he never will.

    The last line is incredibly sad...

    Men who don't feel "it" do feel "it" when another lady turns their head and they get butterflies.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Not enough for me. My parents were married for 64 years, and they were still in love with one another.

    She is in love with him, he is not with her. Plus, she wants marriage. That will never happen. Different strokes.
    Mine too, Holly. 64 years actually, until my mom's passing this year. My dad has been grieving like nobody's business. He misses her like crazy, and he showed his love for her constantly. He was more in love with her, in her final gray years, walker-bound, on meds, in and out of hospitals, than the first day they met.

    I couldn't live with anything less.

    Anything less is just.....a roommate.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Karen54321
    Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I didnt start out in this relationship looking for marriage. He really is quite wonderful apart from his marriage phobia. I will probably stay with him because I love him and I love the life weve built together. He does love me and cares for me in many ways. I am financially secure apart from him. I welcome any other suggestions you might have.
    Then my only pragmatic suggestion would be that you two talk about what happens in case of illness, hospitalization and talk to a lawyer about giving each other legal access. If he gets sick, you'll have no information and no say or access to him if you are not a relative unless you have a document granting access. Same goes for him if you get sick. Basically, in the event of something catastrophic, what happens and how you two can manage things.

  9. #28
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    If this guy was madly in love with her, but didn't see marriage as something he wanted to do - i might tell her to decide if she is happy being not married to him. If she was a young woman and in her childbearing years, I would tell her to leave if he didn't marry her. If she was not, i would ask her to weigh her options and whatever she chose she chose because the guy was clearly head over heels and was just an old hippie as far as his commitment views perhaps.

    But since he is *not* "in love" - she deserves so much more. If she live with a brother or friend she would be getting everything the same except for sex -- companionship to not come home to an empty house, to go to a movie with someone now an again.

    I was married to someone who was not in love with me. I was just "good for now". It wasn't like he was in love an it faded - i found out he never was. It was very demoralizing and sad. I was glad, in retrospect, that he left me. Now i am with someone who is in love with me.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Given his life history of never committing to anyone, I'm taking his language with a grain of salt. I think he loves her as much as he is capable and the not in love part is his way of telling her he isn't marriage minded, never was, never will be. I do think he has some emotional issues and perhaps can only be a good partner when he can maintain that bit of "distance".

    If the OP feels that the relationship is good, loving, and worth keeping, I'm not going to second guess her feelings about that. She knows her truth and how things are between them better than anyone here. Outside of the marriage topic, sounds like her relationship is happier on a day to day basis than many marriages. Since she also says that she is financially sound and independent of him that way, then I'd say why throw out the baby with the bathwater. Enjoy the life and the companionship they have and no need to create stress. If it lasts then it lasts, if it doesn't, it won't regardless. No guarantees when it comes to relationships. Ironically, it's already lasted plenty.

  11. #30
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    His history

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Given his life history of never committing to anyone, I'm taking his language with a grain of salt. I think he loves her as much as he is capable and the not in love part is his way of telling her he isn't marriage minded, never was, never will be. I do think he has some emotional issues and perhaps can only be a good partner when he can maintain that bit of "distance".
    I may be being unwise, even foolish, but this guy is worth it. Yes, his history is a big red flag, and Ive known that all along, but our relationship is the longest hes ever had, and Im the only woman hes lived with. This relationship is different for both of us. He may be incapable of loving me or anyone up until now. Im willing to put in the time and nurturing and effort and acceptance to help him learn to love.

    Some have questioned why I started this thread. Honestly, I was in pain, confusion, even despair. I needed your support and help to try to get my head around what he said. Im grateful for the advice and other comments.

    If we break up, I dont want it to be because I gave up on him. He is the smartest, kindest, most honest man Ive ever known. Some have said that there are lots of guys out there... Not like this one. I want to work through this and so does he. Weve been to couples counseling and we should probably do it again.

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