10 years together: he says he’s not in love with me

We are in our 60’s and met over 10 years ago. We’ve lived together for about 5 years. I was married before and got divorced 25 years ago. He’s never been married or lived with a woman before me. 3 years before we met, he broke an engagement because he realized he didn’t want to marry her.

We have never had a fight. We’re both smart, logical and independent. We both have good tech jobs. We have lots in common. I love him dearly. He says “I love you” often, but when we talk about marriage, he says he doesn’t think he’s “in love” with me. I want to get married, but I would stay with him unmarried rather than lose him. Still, it makes me very sad to know he’s not in love with me.

I think he may be brainwashed into looking for the starry-eyed romance of rom-coms and not recognizing the deep affection we have. We are always kind to each other and kiss and hug several times a day. We understand one another and have fun together.

Should I give up the idea of marriage and just treasure what we do have? Or should I continue to wait for him to come around? What I don’t want to do is to break up with him. But maybe that would be the healthiest choice for us. What do you think?

How are the finances? Whose house do you both live in? How do you split things now? Reflect on why you wish to get married. Is it for romance or the benefits of marriage. He's not "brainwashed", he's simply against ever getting married. If he's not "in love" with you why live together? He's not going to "come around", so what you have and what you see is what you get.

He’s never been married or lived with a woman before me. 3 years before we met, he broke an engagement because he realized he didn’t want to marry her.

How are the finances? Whose house do you both live in?

We live in his house that he bought for both of us to live in. I helped pick it out and furnish it.

How do you split things now?

I give him a check each month equivalent to about 1/3 of what the rent would be for the house. He pays utilities and I buy groceries. He pays the gardener and I pay the housekeeper.

Reflect on why you wish to get married. Is it for romance or the benefits of marriage.

For demonstration of commitment and for security and stability.

He's not "brainwashed", he's simply against ever getting married. If he's not "in love" with you why live together? He's not going to "come around", so what you have and what you see is what you get.

He’s never lived with a woman before me and we’ve lived together for over five years now. I think he can commit. It’s just difficult and slow for him. If what I see is what I get, I can live with that.

...he says he doesn’t think he’s “in love” with me. I want to get married, but I would stay with him unmarried rather than lose him. Still, it makes me very sad to know he’s not in love with me.

He needs you for reasons other than love. That is where your sadness comes from and will remain.

That is until you show him the curb.

If you do, I think you'll feel a whole lot better.

Make sure you see an accountant and financial adviser regarding your finances and retirement. Contact an attorney regarding your estate/will, insurance policies, etc. Make sure your family/kids are the beneficiaries. That is the only way you will get security and stability in this situation.

Right now anything you contribute is rent to pay off his mortgage and basic living expenses. Make sure you are contributing significantly to your own savings and retirement accounts. You are basically roommates sharing expenses. He does not want a commitment beyond living together. Playing wife won't make you a wife legally. Prepare for that. He is not interested in providing you with security and stability. Even if you marry, the house was his prior to that.

We live in his house that he bought.

 

 

I give him a check each month equivalent to about 1/3 of what the rent would be for the house.

Demonstration of commitment , security and stability?

Can you place an order of priority for us?

You moved into his house without commitment. Why?

What security and stability are you now looking for ? Financial or emotional?

It’s irrelevant what monetary contributions you make to his property. That’s simply rent and joint utilities.

If you split tomorrow , he stays , you leave.

Perhaps he is with you for companionship. Only. Who knows?

Maybe at his age he is very ok with companionship over romcom love.

And it sounds like you are very ok with financial stability over romcom love?

Would you rather marry him at this point for love or security?

Only you can decide what you truly want and what's important to you. You say you both love each other, have fun together, etc That, in of itself, is wonderful. IMHO, I think you should stay with him. It's comforting to have someone in your life to share life's experiences, especially at your age. Again, I'm not trying to insult or disrespect you when I say that. Nowadays marriage has somewhat lost its importance in our society. And, look at the divorce rate. I'm not saying marriage is not a wonderful institution; it is. But, you have the next best thing.

I'm in my 60s as well, and recently divorced (29 year marriage). On one hand, I am happy to no longer being in that toxic environment BUT, on the other hand, I find that I am sometimes lonely and wish I had friends or even a male companion. (our mutual friends all turned their back to me).

"he says he doesn’t think he’s “in love” with me."

Wow. I wouldn't spend another second with a guy who said that to me. People who aren't in love with you but care about you are called friends. You're speculating on what he expects what true love feels like, but you'll never know what's really in his mind or convince him he's wrong. You'll have to take what he says at face value and realize you're settling.

What would I say to him? "I have only one life to live on this planet, and a must-have for me is to have a partner who is in love with me. Since that's not you, I'm going to have to move on."

In this day and age, many people are living to their nineties or even to a hundred years old. You have plenty of time to get back into the dating world and find a man who is crazy about you. Once that happens, you'll wonder why you stayed so long with a man who either lacks the ability to truly, passionately, love a woman, or is okay with settling himself.

You need to lay all the cards on the table and have a deep heart to heart discussion.

Ask him what he thinks marriage means to him. Ask him to open up to what he thinks as marriage to someone he loves would look like.

Then share your thoughts on what marriage means to you.

Maybe that will open up some roadblocks. Perhaps an appt. with a therapist could be of some help?

"he says he doesn’t think he’s “in love” with me."

 

Wow. I wouldn't spend another second with a guy who said that to me. People who aren't in love with you but care about you are called friends. You're speculating on what he expects what true love feels like, but you'll never know what's really in his mind or convince him he's wrong. You'll have to take what he says at face value and realize you're settling.

 

What would I say to him? "I have only one life to live on this planet, and a must-have for me is to have a partner who is in love with me. Since that's not you, I'm going to have to move on."

 

In this day and age, many people are living to their nineties or even to a hundred years old. You have plenty of time to get back into the dating world and find a man who is crazy about you. Once that happens, you'll wonder why you stayed so long with a man who either lacks the ability to truly, passionately, love a woman, or is okay with settling himself.

Well said. Why would someone waste her life with someone who doesn't feel he's in love with her?

If you were serious in wanting a husband, you would have never moved in with this guy. You would have dated and when you received a proposal, even if it was after a few years of dating, you would talk of moving in. This guy owns the home - it is great that you didn't sign on the line because that means you are free to leave at any time. But on the other hand, if you stay for a few more years and he should pass - the house would not go to you - it would go to his heirs - and if his sister or brother or parents or nephew or niece were generous with you, they might allow you to purchase it for a song to unload it.

If all he wanted was a travel companion or someone to go to the movies with -- that would be fine if you wanted that, too, but you don't. You seem to want to lure him into commitment by doing committed things - and that doesn't work.

There are PLENTY of men 55-70 looking to find wife. You don't have to settle.

On the relationship front, I think you should trust him at face value and listen to what he says. It's painful but you owe it to yourself to be truthful with yourself. You should also be honest about what you want out of life and be able to tell by now whether this relationship is fulfilling enough for you. I think the key word would be fulfilling. In my mind, this isn't completely what you're looking for and your alarm bells should be going off when someone says he/she is not in love with you. This isn't a matter of deciding what colour or make or model of car you're buying. This is someone you're spending the rest of your life with (or contemplating) telling you that he is not in love with you.

I don't know about you but I could never live with information like that. It would run me down to the ground and eventually break me down because I would see all the signs and question his every action and word. Someone who loves you shouldn't be giving you different signals and saying different things but meaning something else or behaving a different way. This is terribly confusing and extremely painful in the long run.

I think you are in denial. he has told you that he does not loves you. Believe him.

Never sacrifice your needs out of desperation to hold on to someone. This is sad.

End this. He will never love you. Find someone who wants a loving, married future with you. You are a roommate with benefits. That is it.

Get you head out of the sand and stop excusing his behavior. it has been 5 long years.

Well said. Why would someone waste her life with someone who doesn't feel he's in love with her?

I don't get this at all. I would feel humiliated.

Someone who loves you shouldn't be giving you different signals and saying different things but meaning something else or behaving a different way. This is terribly confusing and extremely painful in the long run.

Yes, it is terribly confusing and painful. He says he loves me and does many loving things. He has talked to me about marriage. He checked what our tax situation would be if we got married. We’ve talked about what life would be like if we got married (not much different on a daily basis). We’ve even discussed what kind of wedding we would want.

When he said he is not in love with me, it was in response to my question about what he sees as the downside of getting married. He said he wouldn’t feel honest swearing wedding vows in front of people when he doesn’t feel the feelings he has seen in others getting married.

I think he has a pattern of pushing away whenever we take another step toward commitment, but in the past, he has gotten through the hesitation and moved us closer.

Well.....many people in your age group do not want to get married for all kinds of pragmatic reasons, namely retirement finances and estate planning, however will maintain stable, committed relationships, live together, etc.

However, in your particular case, you are dealing with a man who has never been married and who broke off an engagement. No, he is not a person who can ever fully commit in the way you are thinking. He does have issues. This particular individual is not the marrying type and I doubt that he is going to suddenly change who he is in his 60's. You knew this about him going into this relationship, so I think you need to be realistic and either adjust your expectations or move out and move on.

Basically, either appreciate the easy companionship you share or decide that's not enough for you and find someone else. It's on you to decide. Nobody here can tell you what's right for you.

I would also pay attention to Wiseman's post. Be sure you are taking care of yourself and your finances, including your ability to buy your own place should things with him suddenly fall apart. Right now, you are just a roommate contributing to HIS mortgage and literally subject to a 30 day notice to get out should he decide to end things with you. Make sure you don't end up on the street while playing wifey and pining to be a wife. He has been very very clear with you through his words, actions, and life history that marriage is not his thing and not in the cards.

The financial contribution you are making is very important.

You are paying rent towards his mortgage. If you split up, he keeps the house and all its equity, and you walk away with nothing. You've been helping him pay down his mortgage and associated interest and taxes all this time. Yes, this is a very important point.

Regarding the marriage and the not in love with you statement, I agree with all the others: I know I couldn't/wouldn't stay with someone who isn't "in love" with me.

This isn't about him being "brainwashed"; it's about him simply not having the feelings for you that he wants to have, needs to have, to move forward.

Without those feelings, he'll keep you on as a roommate, house-sharer, bill-splitter, and sex partner. But marriage? To you? Not gonna happen.

I know it hurts, and I know it's hard, and I'm close to your age, so I know that the thought of being single this age probably scares the crap out of you. Do it anyway.

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I didn’t start out in this relationship looking for marriage. He really is quite wonderful apart from his marriage phobia. I will probably stay with him because I love him and I love the life we’ve built together. He does love me and cares for me in many ways. I am financially secure apart from him. I welcome any other suggestions you might have.

You said that he was not in love with you? I am confused!

I am also curios as to why you ever created this thread?

He says he loves me but doesn’t feel “in love” with me.

We are in our 60’s and met over 10 years ago. We’ve lived together for about 5 years. I was married before and got divorced 25 years ago. He’s never been married or lived with a woman before me. 3 years before we met, he broke an engagement because he realized he didn’t want to marry her.

 

I love him dearly. He says “I love you” often, but when we talk about marriage, he says he doesn’t think he’s “in love” with me.

 

I think he may be brainwashed into looking for the starry-eyed romance of rom-coms and not recognizing the deep affection we have. We are always kind to each other and kiss and hug several times a day. We understand one another and have fun together.

I think we can get caught up in semantics and before everyone tells her to hang him high and get a lawyer, look at this from another angle.

How many people after a relationship of long duration get caught up in the fact that they don't feel those butterflies any longer? And is that's all that's going on here?

She has the security of a home, a man who tells her he loves her(though not `IN' love) His actions and his words towards her are loving. They are affectionate and enjoy each others company.

I get that she wants the commitment of a marriage, but personally I would want someone to be with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. (but this isn't about me)

I don't hear that he's looking to go anywhere soon or has the desire to.

If she wants to end it all over legal binding commitment and for him him to be able say it in a way that is meaningful to her, then I get it. But I think if you could look at it from his side maybe you might rethink and choose your battles wisely.

Has he ever felt `In love' with her? Has he ever felt in love with anyone? It's possible he doesn't know the definition of love, yet he behaves lovingly towards her. From what I have read, these past 5 years have been fulfilling for the both of them.

His actions should be more relevant then his choice of words.

I am not siding with the bf. I just wanted to point out some things to consider before you throw it all away.

I think we can get caught up in semantics and before everyone tells her to hang him high and get a lawyer, look at this from another angle.

 

How many people after a relationship of long duration get caught up in the fact that they don't feel those butterflies any longer? And is that's all that's going on here?

 

She has the security of a home, a man who tells her he loves her(though not `IN' love) His actions and his words towards her are loving. They are affectionate and enjoy each others company.

 

I get that she wants the commitment of a marriage, but personally I would want someone to be with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. (but this isn't about me)

 

I don't hear that he's looking to go anywhere soon or has the desire to.

If she wants to end it all over legal binding commitment and for him him to be able say it in a way that is meaningful to her, then I get it. But I think if you could look at it from his side maybe you might rethink and choose your battles wisely.

 

Has he ever felt `In love' with her? Has he ever felt in love with anyone? It's possible he doesn't know the definition of love, yet he behaves lovingly towards her. From what I have read, these past 5 years have been fulfilling for the both of them.

 

His actions should be more relevant then his choice of words.

 

I am not siding with the bf. I just wanted to point out some things to consider before you throw it all away.

The problem is, as I understand it, the OP would like for marriage to be an option, rather than being told he's not in love, so the answer is no, and her feeling he's "brainwashed" over wanting puppies and rainbows.

She's not getting what she wants, but she'll settle because she loves him.

Karen, not sure what you were looking for when you started this thread, but if you were looking for opinions, there's no opinion that matters other than your own.

Stay with him, knowing that it's a lifetime of being with someone who isn't crazy about you. He likes you, he wants to hang with you and share a home, but he doesn't feel "it", and after all this time, he never will.

If that's ok with you, then cool, party on.

But there's no advice people can give you here, other than our own particular opinions, and I already gave mine: I couldn't do it. If you can, then cool, stay. Maybe you just wanted to vent, which is also cool.

Just know, that staying means you will wake up at 70, at 80, and through the end of your life, knowing this man doesn't feel butterflies for you, and he never will.

He loves you like a friend. Why in the world is that enough for you?

I think we can get caught up in semantics and before everyone tells her to hang him high and get a lawyer, look at this from another angle.

 

How many people after a relationship of long duration get caught up in the fact that they don't feel those butterflies any longer? And is that's all that's going on here?

 

She has the security of a home, a man who tells her he loves her(though not `IN' love) His actions and his words towards her are loving. They are affectionate and enjoy each others company.

 

I get that she wants the commitment of a marriage, but personally I would want someone to be with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. (but this isn't about me)

 

I don't hear that he's looking to go anywhere soon or has the desire to.

If she wants to end it all over legal binding commitment and for him him to be able say it in a way that is meaningful to her, then I get it. But I think if you could look at it from his side maybe you might rethink and choose your battles wisely.

 

Has he ever felt `In love' with her? Has he ever felt in love with anyone? It's possible he doesn't know the definition of love, yet he behaves lovingly towards her. From what I have read, these past 5 years have been fulfilling for the both of them.

 

His actions should be more relevant then his choice of words.

 

I am not siding with the bf. I just wanted to point out some things to consider before you throw it all away.

Not enough for me. My parents were married for 64 years, and they were still in love with one another.

She is in love with him, he is not with her. Plus, she wants marriage. That will never happen. Different strokes.

The problem is, as I understand it, the OP would like for marriage to be an option, rather than being told he's not in love, so the answer is no, and her feeling he's "brainwashed" over wanting puppies and rainbows.

 

She's not getting what she wants, but she'll settle because she loves him.

 

Karen, not sure what you were looking for when you started this thread, but if you were looking for opinions, there's no opinion that matters other than your own.

 

Stay with him, knowing that it's a lifetime of being with someone who isn't crazy about you. He likes you, he wants to hang with you and share a home, but he doesn't feel "it", and after all this time, he never will.

 

If that's ok with you, then cool, party on.

 

But there's no advice people can give you here, other than our own particular opinions, and I already gave mine: I couldn't do it. If you can, then cool, stay. Maybe you just wanted to vent, which is also cool.

 

Just know, that staying means you will wake up at 70, at 80, and through the end of your life, knowing this man doesn't feel butterflies for you, and he never will.

The last line is incredibly sad...

Men who don't feel "it" do feel "it" when another lady turns their head and they get butterflies.