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Thread: 10 years together: he says he’s not in love with me

  1. #11
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    If you were serious in wanting a husband, you would have never moved in with this guy. You would have dated and when you received a proposal, even if it was after a few years of dating, you would talk of moving in. This guy owns the home - it is great that you didn't sign on the line because that means you are free to leave at any time. But on the other hand, if you stay for a few more years and he should pass - the house would not go to you - it would go to his heirs - and if his sister or brother or parents or nephew or niece were generous with you, they might allow you to purchase it for a song to unload it.

    If all he wanted was a travel companion or someone to go to the movies with -- that would be fine if you wanted that, too, but you don't. You seem to want to lure him into commitment by doing committed things - and that doesn't work.

    There are PLENTY of men 55-70 looking to find wife. You don't have to settle.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    On the relationship front, I think you should trust him at face value and listen to what he says. It's painful but you owe it to yourself to be truthful with yourself. You should also be honest about what you want out of life and be able to tell by now whether this relationship is fulfilling enough for you. I think the key word would be fulfilling. In my mind, this isn't completely what you're looking for and your alarm bells should be going off when someone says he/she is not in love with you. This isn't a matter of deciding what colour or make or model of car you're buying. This is someone you're spending the rest of your life with (or contemplating) telling you that he is not in love with you.

    I don't know about you but I could never live with information like that. It would run me down to the ground and eventually break me down because I would see all the signs and question his every action and word. Someone who loves you shouldn't be giving you different signals and saying different things but meaning something else or behaving a different way. This is terribly confusing and extremely painful in the long run.

  3. #13
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    I think you are in denial. he has told you that he does not loves you. Believe him.

    Never sacrifice your needs out of desperation to hold on to someone. This is sad.

    End this. He will never love you. Find someone who wants a loving, married future with you. You are a roommate with benefits. That is it.

    Get you head out of the sand and stop excusing his behavior. it has been 5 long years.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Well said. Why would someone waste her life with someone who doesn't feel he's in love with her?
    I don't get this at all. I would feel humiliated.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Someone who loves you shouldn't be giving you different signals and saying different things but meaning something else or behaving a different way. This is terribly confusing and extremely painful in the long run.
    Yes, it is terribly confusing and painful. He says he loves me and does many loving things. He has talked to me about marriage. He checked what our tax situation would be if we got married. We’ve talked about what life would be like if we got married (not much different on a daily basis). We’ve even discussed what kind of wedding we would want.

    When he said he is not in love with me, it was in response to my question about what he sees as the downside of getting married. He said he wouldn’t feel honest swearing wedding vows in front of people when he doesn’t feel the feelings he has seen in others getting married.

    I think he has a pattern of pushing away whenever we take another step toward commitment, but in the past, he has gotten through the hesitation and moved us closer.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well.....many people in your age group do not want to get married for all kinds of pragmatic reasons, namely retirement finances and estate planning, however will maintain stable, committed relationships, live together, etc.

    However, in your particular case, you are dealing with a man who has never been married and who broke off an engagement. No, he is not a person who can ever fully commit in the way you are thinking. He does have issues. This particular individual is not the marrying type and I doubt that he is going to suddenly change who he is in his 60's. You knew this about him going into this relationship, so I think you need to be realistic and either adjust your expectations or move out and move on.

    Basically, either appreciate the easy companionship you share or decide that's not enough for you and find someone else. It's on you to decide. Nobody here can tell you what's right for you.

    I would also pay attention to Wiseman's post. Be sure you are taking care of yourself and your finances, including your ability to buy your own place should things with him suddenly fall apart. Right now, you are just a roommate contributing to HIS mortgage and literally subject to a 30 day notice to get out should he decide to end things with you. Make sure you don't end up on the street while playing wifey and pining to be a wife. He has been very very clear with you through his words, actions, and life history that marriage is not his thing and not in the cards.

  8. #17
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    The financial contribution you are making is very important.

    You are paying rent towards his mortgage. If you split up, he keeps the house and all its equity, and you walk away with nothing. You've been helping him pay down his mortgage and associated interest and taxes all this time. Yes, this is a very important point.

    Regarding the marriage and the not in love with you statement, I agree with all the others: I know I couldn't/wouldn't stay with someone who isn't "in love" with me.

    This isn't about him being "brainwashed"; it's about him simply not having the feelings for you that he wants to have, needs to have, to move forward.

    Without those feelings, he'll keep you on as a roommate, house-sharer, bill-splitter, and sex partner. But marriage? To you? Not gonna happen.

    I know it hurts, and I know it's hard, and I'm close to your age, so I know that the thought of being single this age probably scares the crap out of you. Do it anyway.

  9. #18
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    Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I didn’t start out in this relationship looking for marriage. He really is quite wonderful apart from his marriage phobia. I will probably stay with him because I love him and I love the life we’ve built together. He does love me and cares for me in many ways. I am financially secure apart from him. I welcome any other suggestions you might have.

  10. #19
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    You said that he was not in love with you? I am confused!

    I am also curios as to why you ever created this thread?

  11. #20
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    He says he loves me but doesn’t feel “in love” with me.

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