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Thread: Help me interpret this

  1. #1

    Help me interpret this

    I’ll keep it short. We’re in a relationship (really fresh, 4mos since we’ve been together). Things are going well and we align on crucial matters.

    I do however at times feel like my needs aren’t prioritized properly. I say this because she’s constantly saying how much I do for her and how well I treat her - better than anyone else in the past - and that she doesn’t do enough (she’s going through a rough patch at work at the moment). She’s also stated multiple times that I am her number one priority.

    Here’s the situation:
    I invited her to a wedding abroad next month and the agreement was that we’d go a couple of days prior so she can see where I grew up - much like I did in early March when she asked me to go to a conference with her in the balkans for emotional support...

    Back to the wedding trip now... I already had a ticket for the first leg of the trip paid for but not a return ticket yet. A week or so ago she suggested we change the dates - if I was ok with it of course since I would forfeit the ticket I had already paid for- and visit her old stomping grounds so she could show me around.

    I saw how excited she was about the prospect of going back there to visit her friends and agreed to do that. She also said she wanted me to experience how it is living there and was really excited to be making the trip with me there.

    So I booked a brand new ticket and decided to go along and make her happy. The understanding was that we’d visit her old city for 4-5 days and then spend 4 days in my city for the wedding (we won’t really have much time for me to show her around though due to this change).

    Today she proposed that she flies in after me after I told her that We’d have to be separated for about 8hrs in total in the span of 4 days. (Thursday I’m going to a low key bachelor party at night and Friday morning the groomsmen are doing something for 2-3hrs). Most of Thursday we’d be together and also most of Friday and then onwards until our departure. Her comment was that she’ll be in a foreign country by herself (she’s travelled to over 50 countries in her life) while I’m out partying and although it’s something I must do and she understands she’ll still be annoyed at me.

    I feel like this is wrong. Have I been too nice?what are your suggestions?

    Thank you to all who were patient enough to read through this!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not let her make her own travel arrangements and time frames. This way you can enjoy your wedding activities and she can join you when she wishes. Try not to be this joined at the hip. Or expect this much from someone you are dating for only 16 weeks. Breathe and give each other some space and autonomy. Too much too soon can lead to burn out and conflicts like this.

  3. #3
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    I would definitely be annoyed.

    You bought one ticket. Cancelled it. You made arrangements together and bought another ticket. Now she’s changing it up again. Are all these flights refundable and/or with a small change fee? Or is her indecisiveness costing you hundreds of dollars?

    I also don’t get the whole “I’ll be in a foreign country alone” thing if the whole debate is about going to see her family and friends.

    I mean... I do agree that 4 months in is kinda quick for all this travel and meeting everybody, etc and especially at this stage you need to be flexible... but somewhere in here there is a basic responsibility to be decisive and non-flakey when you are dropping not-insignificant amounts of money.

    It’s weird, though, if you are deciding to go together that you weren’t booking your flights together? Has she not booked at all yet?

    I think this is a function of “too much too soon”. Make your own plans. Invite her to join you. If you happen to be in the same place at the same time - great. Otherwise, oh well.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm having a bit of trouble following this.

    So basically the deal is that you'll fly together to her city, hang out, and then she'll stay back for a day or two and then meet you at the wedding? Honestly, that sounds pretty great.

    Sure, she's an experienced traveler, but maybe she just doesn't feel like hanging out alone while you're at a bachelor party and doing groomsman duties, especially when she could get a little more her-time back home? Sounds reasonable to me.

    If you were dating longer I could see where you'd be annoyed, but under the circumstances it either seems a bit much or a symptom of that larger grievance of yours.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Four months is still brand new into the honeymoon period (obsessions period) where both parties want to spend time joined at the hip. It's normal and the feelings are euphoric especially when you're young and excited about a lot of things. Feeling insecure is not uncommon either. I wouldn't make a mountain of a molehill. Let her experience her annoyance. It's likely not anything she can change but you not taking it personally is important. Don't get angry with her for feeling the way she does. She's come up with her own solution of spending time with her friends also when she's there. She may feel insecure about the bachelor party and has never met the people you call your friends on that side.

    Be patient with each other and leave room for emotions on both sides. Resist being argumentative or defensive. It's not going to help anything. Be open with her.

    I'd also strongly suggest you unpack the resentment you feel inside you about being the nice guy. For some reason, you feel like you're being taken advantaged of (not a nice feeling and can empathize with you) but you've got to nip that in the bud and address it immediately. If you don't voice your opinions or are not assertive enough or comfortable enough stating your opinions or where you stand, you will never feel comfortable in the relationship and that resentment is going to eat you up. Be honest and assertive but do not be unkind to each other.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Resentment is what happens when you do things you don't really want to do and act like a doormat to your own detriment. You aren't being too nice, you aren't being nice at all. If you had the ticket already booked, the nice thing would have been to be honest with her that your ticket is already booked and you can't/won't change it. Being honest is nice. Trying to please, forfeit tickets, aka $$, then resent everything - not nice.

    If she wants to spend some extra time in her home city, while you will be busy anyway, that shouldn't be an issue for you. You are both adults and you won't be free to be with her anyway. You have no reason to continue to jerk yourself around with matching flights. That's childish. Keep your plans and your tickets and work around that. When something doesn't suit you, speak up and learn how to say no, instead of saying yes, while really meaning no.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Are you paying her way on this trip?


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