Over-Communication

Hello all,

 

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now and everything is great. We get along with each other’s friends and families, we’re supportive of each other and we communicate well. Sometimes a little too well.

 

Lately I’ve noticed our pre-bed conversations are a bit dry, predictable and brief. We don’t live together so we text throughout the day meaning when we speak at night there’s little news to discuss. I’ve also noticed she doesn’t really listen as she asks same questions twice and I’m guilty too as I’m playing on my phone half listening to her. Rinse and repeat each night before bed.

 

I want to suggest communicating less – either texting less throughout the day or talking every other night – in an effort keep things fresh. My fear is we’re becoming boring and predictable but I don’t want her to see my request for less communication as I’m losing interest in her.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this please?

 

Thanks in advance!

I would not suggest to suggest to her to "let's communicate less".

Instead, I would make a rule for yourself to not have the smartphone in bed unless you do not have an alarm clock except your phone.

If the latter is the case, plug it in and leave it on the floor or the dresser.

If you have a travel alarm clock, use it and leave the smartphone in the kitchen or bathroom counter or wherever.

 

When she talks in bed, roll over and look at her while she is talking.

Its okay to not really talk in bed and just sleep.

 

What you can suggest is instead of texting all day -- why not one person call the other at lunchtime?

Or better yet, don't text back when you are working - focus on work - text her back during breaks.

 

Another thing i would suggest is not spend every night together. Or also see a family member without eachother or do something without eachother, like participate in a pick up basketball game with the guys or whatever else you like to do. When you do things that interest you, you have more to talk about

 

I don't see anything wrong with your relationship. Married couples sometimes talk about remembering to turn the coffee pot off or start the dishwasher as pillow talk -------

Appreciate the advice, abitbroken. We don’t live together so we only see each other on weekends and the odd weekday. This is partly why we text throughout the day and call each other at night.

 

It’s just that lately I find our convos are brief and we’re able to predict how the conversation will go. She says things like “I knew you’d say that!” and I know exactly how her day will play out without even having to ask. There’s no mystery and I fear that’s…boring so I’m glad you reminded me of married couples and coffee maker banter haha.

Agree. Make communication more about quality than quantity. Also talk more in person. Don't request less communication, just do it and curtail all the nonsense and boring communication. Keep things briefer, that's all.

I want to suggest communicating less – either texting less throughout the day or talking every other night – in an effort keep things fresh. My fear is we’re becoming boring and predictable but I don’t want her to see my request for less communication as I’m losing interest in her.

 

What you can suggest is instead of texting all day -- why not one person call the other at lunchtime?

Or better yet, don't text back when you are working - focus on work - text her back during breaks.

 

 

I like this advice. Text less, or even none at all, other than a quick "Good Morning", and other than that, call each other once a day, and discuss your day.

 

20 years ago, couples had no way of keeping in touch with each other All. Day. Long. like we do today. Today, you can text each other, call, check social media, email. It's too much and yes, it leads to the nothing-left-to-say syndrome.

 

I drive around all day for work, so that's always my excuse when I'm dating someone who wants to text throughout the day. What could be your "reason"? Just figure out a way to tell her that you'll need to text less, if not almost none, throughout the day, but that you can't wait to hear her voice at the end of the day.

 

You sound like a good boyfriend, trying to figure out how to do this without hurting her feelings, but by helping keep the lines of communication open in a good way.

My roommate said the same thing about the 20 years ago thing and it’s so true! My dad calls my mom on his lunch break and that’s it—they’re celebrating 40 years of marriage this year.

 

The questions seem robotic and conversations seem forced. I adore her and love chatting, but something’s gotta give as I don’t want this to be a long-term issue as I plan on spending a long time with her.

Appreciate the advice, abitbroken. We don’t live together so we only see each other on weekends and the odd weekday. This is partly why we text throughout the day and call each other at night.

 

It’s just that lately I find our convos are brief and we’re able to predict how the conversation will go. She says things like “I knew you’d say that!” and I know exactly how her day will play out without even having to ask. There’s no mystery and I fear that’s…boring so I’m glad you reminded me of married couples and coffee maker banter haha.

Of course she does and of course you do. Unless there was a bomb threat or it was Fleet Week outside her workplace, you're gonna have a pretty good general idea of how her workday went. And if she knows her conversation topics are so mundane and repetitive that she can predict your reactions, that's even worse. Honestly, that **** ain't cute to me. I do understand there's an appreciable level of stability and security that comes with being able to have talks about coffee makers and gas prices, but if those become defining rather than a byproduct, that's a problem. Not saying it's doom and gloom for your relationship, but that I do think the value in you recognizing the dynamic can't be overstated. You're hitting what's generally seen as the transition into a long-term relationship. As Wiseman put it, focus on quality over quantity, and if that's difficult or, worse, if she bucks against it, you may have to make some no-BS assessments for yourself.

 

Speaking personally, I love talking to my wife. Know what else I love? Not talking to her. There's something about comfort in silence I actually find more telling and valuable in many ways. Neither of us is a captive audience for the other simply for being married. Perhaps even more so than anyone else, we're still responsible for reading each other and engaging in interesting conversation. I give her a bit more leeway on workplace gripes as she's got a more emotionally draining job than I do, and yes we do have your typical "weather today is great" lines we exchange, but she'd get stiff-armed off the bed if I had to listen about a boring workday every night before going to sleep.

 

Is it possible for the odd weekday to become a regular weekday? I can't 100% trash the lady when you're 1.5 years in and essentially are only reliably seeing each other on weekends. As someone who loves his personal space, that's a bit "oof" even for me. See if you can't both put an effort into upping your quality time together, and it will put you in a much better position to assert yourself pulling back on the mundane phone calls.

Here's my take. Married 10 years, been with my husband for 14 years plus 2 years many years ago. About 6 years ago my mother in law was in hospice for several months after being in the hospital and rehab for months. My husband is an only child, so close with her, I loved her so much too. And she was basically non-responsive for the last months of her life. So so hard. My husband was having a hard time expressing his grief and my father in law was a very loving but stoic person -very old school that way if that makes sense.

 

So. I wanted to be there for him and I realized that the best way was - when he did feel like talking -and I mean about anything (no, not "what time do you want to leave/do we need more diapers" stuff -I mean other than nice weather talk) -I stopped what I was doing if at all possible. I looked away from any screen. I looked at him. I showed him with my body language I was there with him. And I listened and I responded and listened more than I talked. You know that should come naturally and we all know with screens, with distractions, with our stuff it doesn't always, at least not for my multi tasking self. But I needed him to feel supported, respected, present. So that if he did feel like sharing about the so so hard stuff he could feel I was approachable on that too.

 

And after my mother in law passed away I promised myself I'd continue with that as much as possible. Sometimes I fail - and he does too! But it's on my radar and it's my goal.

 

On to substance - we now have a routine where after I clean up and prep for the next day I sit in the glider chair and he usually is sitting at the desk getting work done. The TV is on. But, we "chat" - not in a forced way - not in an obligatory way -but we .. chat. Typically for about a half hour or more. He'll follow up on something we couldn't talk about because our son was around/distracting us or we'll talk about something on TV right then - and sometimes I tell him I just want to read and decompress and that's ok too .

 

And very often -this has been going on for years -we talk about issues in general - sometimes it's a Shark Tank type business one of us thought of (all pipe dreams -we are not entrepreneurs we just like pretending and judging others' ideas lol), sometimes it's something that was posted on one of my Facebook groups, sometimes fun gossip, and sometimes we kind of egg each other on to make each other laugh -we have a lot of inside jokes after all these years! I will tell you for me when it feels forced -and this is weird - if we go out for lunch or dinner it feels forced sometimes. I just don't like that kind of time together anymore -I used to. It's ok if our son is with us but then it's not really time for us to have a real convo. I do like going to a movie with him and chatting before and after and holding hands.

 

And finally -please please do not underrate silence. I could not agree with Jman more. My husband is an introvert ,I am an extrovert who now needs a lot more space given my parenting gig. A lot. I love comfortable silences. Just be.

Thank you all, this is some good stuff especially from the long-term marriage perspective.

 

The funny thing is I know she feels it because she often said, when we first started dating, she didn’t want to become boring and predictable. I personally feel she’d be relieved if I brought it up, I just want to do it in a manner that doesn’t insult her. I know she doesn’t care too much for the “how’s your day?!” banter but sometimes that’s all there is to say. Sometimes my day just isn’t that interesting!

 

Also silence is amazing. We had an hour or so of silence on Sunday as we read and I absolutely loved it. I should’ve asked her opinion of it, come to think of it.

 

Sorry for the brief replies I’m answering kn my phone from work.

Wow. I can't imagine playing on my phone while texting my husband. Pardon, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm genuinely surprised. I think I would be quite hurt if I knew he was half listening and half not. I happen to think very highly of my husband (disclaimer) but one of the most incredible things about him is his attention to detail and supreme ability to focus. I have never felt that he's given me anything half-hearted and, trust me, I know what half-hearted feels like. I used to date too and, just now, remembering that is painful. When I realized he was able to give me that, I knew that I couldn't give any less of myself too and we don't skimp on attention and focus when we address each other or spend time together or apart/communicating through phone etc. When we feel one or the other is stressed out by something, we address it and try to listen to each other.

 

There is routine to our life but we also make room for spontaneous things and we both live by the same beliefs and similar interests so things are never boring. I'd say his mind is far more active than mine (a LOT more active) and constantly needs to consume information and research. I realized a long time ago that he really cannot survive without constantly moving, learning and evolving. Our conversations are usually ridiculous, informative, wonderful and entertaining all rolled up and go from one end to another quite fluidly.

 

Do you think perhaps you both have stopped growing individually as people? I noticed in the past that this can have an effect on a couple's dynamic.

Raising my hand!

Experiencing the same thing here and my bf has spent most of this year taking care of his mother in another state. As much as trying to stay connected during the distance is important, there are plenty of times I don't have anything compelling to say.

 

I commute so he knows when I am in my car. I get a morning hello and a call on my drive home. There have been times I sit in silence and share with him I have nothing to say. We've now resorted to sharing what we ate and how many hours we slept the night before.

 

To good thing is he gets it. He'll call to say good morning and keeps it brief.

Other than that, everything is good.

If that's all I have to complain about then I'll work with it. . . .A first world problem.

"Wow. I can't imagine playing on my phone while texting my husband. Pardon, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm genuinely surprised. I think I would be quite hurt if I knew he was half listening and half not. "

 

Rose I thought he said he texts/plays while she talks to him face to face. I often do other things on my phone while my husband and I are texting but we very rarely have involved convos over text -and even if we were - I assume he could get distracted or get a call so why would I stare at my phone waiting for a response? If I'm texting with a friend -an involved convo - same thing - I assume we both might be delayed in responding.

Thank you all, this is some good stuff especially from the long-term marriage perspective.

 

The funny thing is I know she feels it because she often said, when we first started dating, she didn’t want to become boring and predictable. I personally feel she’d be relieved if I brought it up, I just want to do it in a manner that doesn’t insult her. I know she doesn’t care too much for the “how’s your day?!” banter but sometimes that’s all there is to say. Sometimes my day just isn’t that interesting!

 

Also silence is amazing. We had an hour or so of silence on Sunday as we read and I absolutely loved it. I should’ve asked her opinion of it, come to think of it.

 

Sorry for the brief replies I’m answering kn my phone from work.

 

I think a better approach would be to come up with things to do, interests to explore either together or individually, which would then naturally create a fresh feel and excitement for the two of you. Talking about being boring is boring and not really productive either. It can be simple things, like if you are reading something interesting, talk about it. Maybe find something to watch together, like a series, etc.

 

Silence is something you do need to become comfortable with in a long term relationship. Being in the same room while giving each other space is just as important as banter and laughter....probably even more important. There is nothing to discuss there, as to be honest, it just sounds like you are a bit uncomfortable/insecure about it, but you both are actually good with that.

 

There’s no mystery and I fear that’s…boring so I’m glad you reminded me of married couples and coffee maker banter haha.

 

One person' "boring" is another's "comforting."

 

You may be bored but she may find such familiarity comforting.

 

I do, it's unique, special, something you share through all your experiences together.

 

Embrace it!

This new culture of phone distraction is becoming a real problem.

 

Teachers complain about kids with phones

Spouses complain about their spouse checking the phone every 2 minutes.

Police complain about drivers

Drivers complain about pedestrians distracted

etc.

 

Personally, my whole family has adopted a "no phone policy" at the dinner table or in the bedrooms. Kids and adults.

Call me old-fashioned, but those places are sacred and reserved for face to face conversations.

 

Aside from the whole phone thing,

breaks in conversation should be cherished.

I used to get restless with silences, now I enjoy them.

 

Do you both have outside interests? This is great for "space" in a relationship and solves the whole "nothing to talk about" or boring coffee / dishwasher talk.

Yeah, sometimes the moments I cherish the most w my bf are those spent in silence.

 

At the park, under a tree.

At the beach watching sunset.

Strolling through the city or quaint village.

Lying in bed together w my head on his shoulder while both reading, watching a movie .

 

I am a big communicator but don't get this incessant need to be talking all the time.

 

It is not necessary and in some cases can be a relationship killer.

 

Goodfellas, what is it about silence or familiarity that makes you so uncomfortable?

"Wow. I can't imagine playing on my phone while texting my husband. Pardon, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm genuinely surprised. I think I would be quite hurt if I knew he was half listening and half not. "

 

Rose I thought he said he texts/plays while she talks to him face to face. I often do other things on my phone while my husband and I are texting but we very rarely have involved convos over text -and even if we were - I assume he could get distracted or get a call so why would I stare at my phone waiting for a response? If I'm texting with a friend -an involved convo - same thing - I assume we both might be delayed in responding.

 

That's initially what I thought too... ? But then he said that they don't live together so it changed my interpretation and interpreted it as they are speaking to each other before bed but they are not in the same bed together (not face to face).

 

Either way, the dynamic seems quite hurtful for both parties. Living in the present and doing things meaningfully is important to me. I think it's important too to keep growing individually as people.

Thanks again everyone, I’m answering from my phone again so I’ll keep it brief.

 

• To clarify, I don’t text while we talk in person. I meant when were talk on the phone before bed separated

• I’m fine with silence, I like what it represents—comfort. I just don’t know where she stands.

• I knew our constant contact pace couldn’t keep up but these past two weeks have been painful, even her answers are becoming terse and less playful

• We’re not growing apart, quite the opposite we’re talking about moving in together which I’d prefer to forced phone calls before bed

• Recently I said “you already know everything about my day, we texted all day!” And she snapped back with “you make us sound boring…I hate when you say that”

• Sometimes I just want to say “I have nothing exciting going on” but I fear too much of that will be a bore.

I think you should propose to her that you back off on the texting all day.

 

Give yourselves an opp to miss each other a little!

 

That sort of pace can never be sustained anyway, and you risk burn out.

 

Don't just stop texting though, communicate about it.

 

Apparently you have no problem chewing the fat about other things, not quite getting why you can't discuss the larger issues, like proper boundaries, and what's best for your still-developing relationship as you move forward.

 

A bit of distance can be a good thing! Allows you to miss each other, and then when you see each other, wowza!

 

I highly recommend it, not sure why some folks are afraid of it.

 

My bf and I rarely text during the day anymore. At night we touch base briefy when not together.

 

Sometimes we might even miss a day!

 

That little bit of distance keeps things fresh, for us anyway.

I think you should propose to her that you back off on the texting all day.

 

I strongly disagree. I think HE should back off texting. Slow his roll. Don't answer instantly - but then don't send her one word replies, either. Its not playing games. Its getting through your meeting without looking at your phone, finishing tasks or driving without looking at your phone. When you hit a normal breaking period, look at your phone and reply to her last couple texts in a more thoughtful way - ie, not a one word answer.

 

Or say "i can't check my phone during x time and x time at work." if she questions the silence or be upfront about it . Whether coworkers or the boss has pressured you or it is self imposed "let's not text eachother" is like saying "let's not talk". It is a potential relationship killer.

 

Thanks again everyone, I’m answering from my phone again so I’ll keep it brief.

 

• To clarify, I don’t text while we talk in person. I meant when were talk on the phone before bed separated

• I’m fine with silence, I like what it represents—comfort. I just don’t know where she stands.

• I knew our constant contact pace couldn’t keep up but these past two weeks have been painful, even her answers are becoming terse and less playful

• We’re not growing apart, quite the opposite we’re talking about moving in together which I’d prefer to forced phone calls before bed

• Recently I said “you already know everything about my day, we texted all day!” And she snapped back with “you make us sound boring…I hate when you say that”

• Sometimes I just want to say “I have nothing exciting going on” but I fear too much of that will be a bore.

=

 

I think that you should not consider moving in together.Decide if you would like to marry her at some point or not even if its not now. If not, find someone you are excited about. Don't move her in because its convenient. Because if you do and you are meh about her now - guess what -- kicking her out in a year or two or three when you are still not that excited hurts more. I do think you are overthinking just a little, perhaps. But moving in is the last thing you want to do

Do you guys laugh a lot together/banter?

Do you guys laugh a lot together/banter?

 

YES.

 

Just Saturday we were both in tears about an inside joke and she loves how she can commenter how she loves how she can be herself and “look gross” when she laughs hard.

YES.

 

Just Saturday we were both in tears about an inside joke and she loves how she can commenter how she loves how she can be herself and “look gross” when she laughs hard.

 

So go with that - I would give her space to chat - and assume she is a grown up and will tell you or show you if she's uncomfortable just hanging out quietly.

• We’re not growing apart, quite the opposite we’re talking about moving in together which I’d prefer to forced phone calls before bed

 

I'm not sure if someone else commented about you both growing apart. If you're responding to my comment about growing individually as people I think you've misunderstood my comment. It's important for two people to grow as individuals and have separate likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies. When you come together you're much more engaged and have much more to bring to the table. If you both don't have anything else going on outside of your relationship together and constantly talk about your routine/daily routine, this can get incredibly boring over time.

I get what you're suggesting abit, but effective communication is key here.

 

Not just say "let's not text anymore" but discuss the pros and cons of maintaining that pace and how it's impacting your relationship. Honestly and openly.

 

My bf and I did and came to a mutual understanding about it.

 

He was guilty of it as much as I, but it became too much.

 

Had he chosen to just arbitrarily cut back and changed his style without communicating about it, I would have assumed he was losing interest and pulled back myself, not in a good way.