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Thread: Over-Communication

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Raising my hand!
    Experiencing the same thing here and my bf has spent most of this year taking care of his mother in another state. As much as trying to stay connected during the distance is important, there are plenty of times I don't have anything compelling to say.

    I commute so he knows when I am in my car. I get a morning hello and a call on my drive home. There have been times I sit in silence and share with him I have nothing to say. We've now resorted to sharing what we ate and how many hours we slept the night before.

    To good thing is he gets it. He'll call to say good morning and keeps it brief.
    Other than that, everything is good.
    If that's all I have to complain about then I'll work with it. . . .A first world problem.

  2. #12
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    "Wow. I can't imagine playing on my phone while texting my husband. Pardon, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm genuinely surprised. I think I would be quite hurt if I knew he was half listening and half not. "

    Rose I thought he said he texts/plays while she talks to him face to face. I often do other things on my phone while my husband and I are texting but we very rarely have involved convos over text -and even if we were - I assume he could get distracted or get a call so why would I stare at my phone waiting for a response? If I'm texting with a friend -an involved convo - same thing - I assume we both might be delayed in responding.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    Thank you all, this is some good stuff especially from the long-term marriage perspective.

    The funny thing is I know she feels it because she often said, when we first started dating, she didn’t want to become boring and predictable. I personally feel she’d be relieved if I brought it up, I just want to do it in a manner that doesn’t insult her. I know she doesn’t care too much for the “how’s your day?!” banter but sometimes that’s all there is to say. Sometimes my day just isn’t that interesting!

    Also silence is amazing. We had an hour or so of silence on Sunday as we read and I absolutely loved it. I should’ve asked her opinion of it, come to think of it.

    Sorry for the brief replies I’m answering kn my phone from work.
    I think a better approach would be to come up with things to do, interests to explore either together or individually, which would then naturally create a fresh feel and excitement for the two of you. Talking about being boring is boring and not really productive either. It can be simple things, like if you are reading something interesting, talk about it. Maybe find something to watch together, like a series, etc.

    Silence is something you do need to become comfortable with in a long term relationship. Being in the same room while giving each other space is just as important as banter and laughter....probably even more important. There is nothing to discuss there, as to be honest, it just sounds like you are a bit uncomfortable/insecure about it, but you both are actually good with that.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas

    There’s no mystery and I fear that’s…boring so I’m glad you reminded me of married couples and coffee maker banter haha.
    One person' "boring" is another's "comforting."

    You may be bored but she may find such familiarity comforting.

    I do, it's unique, special, something you share through all your experiences together.

    Embrace it!

  5.  

  6. #15
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    This new culture of phone distraction is becoming a real problem.

    Teachers complain about kids with phones
    Spouses complain about their spouse checking the phone every 2 minutes.
    Police complain about drivers
    Drivers complain about pedestrians distracted
    etc.

    Personally, my whole family has adopted a "no phone policy" at the dinner table or in the bedrooms. Kids and adults.
    Call me old-fashioned, but those places are sacred and reserved for face to face conversations.

    Aside from the whole phone thing,
    breaks in conversation should be cherished.
    I used to get restless with silences, now I enjoy them.

    Do you both have outside interests? This is great for "space" in a relationship and solves the whole "nothing to talk about" or boring coffee / dishwasher talk.

  7. #16
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    Yeah, sometimes the moments I cherish the most w my bf are those spent in silence.

    At the park, under a tree.
    At the beach watching sunset.
    Strolling through the city or quaint village.
    Lying in bed together w my head on his shoulder while both reading, watching a movie .

    I am a big communicator but don't get this incessant need to be talking all the time.

    It is not necessary and in some cases can be a relationship killer.

    Goodfellas, what is it about silence or familiarity that makes you so uncomfortable?

  8. #17
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    "Wow. I can't imagine playing on my phone while texting my husband. Pardon, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm genuinely surprised. I think I would be quite hurt if I knew he was half listening and half not. "

    Rose I thought he said he texts/plays while she talks to him face to face. I often do other things on my phone while my husband and I are texting but we very rarely have involved convos over text -and even if we were - I assume he could get distracted or get a call so why would I stare at my phone waiting for a response? If I'm texting with a friend -an involved convo - same thing - I assume we both might be delayed in responding.
    That's initially what I thought too... ? But then he said that they don't live together so it changed my interpretation and interpreted it as they are speaking to each other before bed but they are not in the same bed together (not face to face).

    Either way, the dynamic seems quite hurtful for both parties. Living in the present and doing things meaningfully is important to me. I think it's important too to keep growing individually as people.

  9. #18
    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
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    Thanks again everyone, I’m answering from my phone again so I’ll keep it brief.

    • To clarify, I don’t text while we talk in person. I meant when were talk on the phone before bed separated
    • I’m fine with silence, I like what it represents—comfort. I just don’t know where she stands.
    • I knew our constant contact pace couldn’t keep up but these past two weeks have been painful, even her answers are becoming terse and less playful
    • We’re not growing apart, quite the opposite we’re talking about moving in together which I’d prefer to forced phone calls before bed
    • Recently I said “you already know everything about my day, we texted all day!” And she snapped back with “you make us sound boring…I hate when you say that”
    • Sometimes I just want to say “I have nothing exciting going on” but I fear too much of that will be a bore.

  10. #19
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    I think you should propose to her that you back off on the texting all day.

    Give yourselves an opp to miss each other a little!

    That sort of pace can never be sustained anyway, and you risk burn out.

    Don't just stop texting though, communicate about it.

    Apparently you have no problem chewing the fat about other things, not quite getting why you can't discuss the larger issues, like proper boundaries, and what's best for your still-developing relationship as you move forward.

    A bit of distance can be a good thing! Allows you to miss each other, and then when you see each other, wowza!

    I highly recommend it, not sure why some folks are afraid of it.

    My bf and I rarely text during the day anymore. At night we touch base briefy when not together.

    Sometimes we might even miss a day!

    That little bit of distance keeps things fresh, for us anyway.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-30-2019 at 05:12 PM.

  11. #20
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    [QUOTE=katrina1980;7122206]I think you should propose to her that you back off on the texting all day.

    I strongly disagree. I think HE should back off texting. Slow his roll. Don't answer instantly - but then don't send her one word replies, either. Its not playing games. Its getting through your meeting without looking at your phone, finishing tasks or driving without looking at your phone. When you hit a normal breaking period, look at your phone and reply to her last couple texts in a more thoughtful way - ie, not a one word answer.

    Or say "i can't check my phone during x time and x time at work." if she questions the silence or be upfront about it . Whether coworkers or the boss has pressured you or it is self imposed "let's not text eachother" is like saying "let's not talk". It is a potential relationship killer.

    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    Thanks again everyone, I’m answering from my phone again so I’ll keep it brief.

    • To clarify, I don’t text while we talk in person. I meant when were talk on the phone before bed separated
    • I’m fine with silence, I like what it represents—comfort. I just don’t know where she stands.
    • I knew our constant contact pace couldn’t keep up but these past two weeks have been painful, even her answers are becoming terse and less playful
    • We’re not growing apart, quite the opposite we’re talking about moving in together which I’d prefer to forced phone calls before bed
    • Recently I said “you already know everything about my day, we texted all day!” And she snapped back with “you make us sound boring…I hate when you say that”
    • Sometimes I just want to say “I have nothing exciting going on” but I fear too much of that will be a bore.
    =


    I think that you should not consider moving in together.Decide if you would like to marry her at some point or not even if its not now. If not, find someone you are excited about. Don't move her in because its convenient. Because if you do and you are meh about her now - guess what -- kicking her out in a year or two or three when you are still not that excited hurts more. I do think you are overthinking just a little, perhaps. But moving in is the last thing you want to do

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