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Transitioning from Friendship to Relationship


CliSway

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Unsure if I should post this in the friends/friendships forum or relationships, but hopefully someone can help.

 

 

5 years ago I met a girl through a university internship program. At the time she was 18-19 (now 24) and I was 29 (now 34) for those bad at math there's a 10 year age difference between us. Initially the age difference seemed huge, but as we get older it's really not that drastic. Anyway, after spending 2-3 days together we became close friends. I'll admit I had a small crush on her at the time, but because she seemed much younger I never pursued anything. After the internship ended we kept in touch and have grown closer. We've gone on multiple weekend trips together, road trips, camping adventures, and other stuff. Most of my memorable life experiences over the past 5 years have been spent with this girl standing at my side.

 

We also have a lot of history together that's difficult to divulge given this particular context and plays into our relationship. Part of the reason I feel open with just telling her how I feel. In short, I've never had to break my mom/sisters heart and hold them crying in my arms. The situation with this girl didn't involve me doing something to hurt her, but was witness to something that she was completely oblivious to. I debated telling her for months and it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make!!! I debated staying quiet and hoping for the best, but ultimately if she found out that I knew and was silent I feel I would also have lost her forever. A friendship is based on trust and all that trust would have been lost. Eventually I decided that while speaking up would completely devastate her (she would be utterly heartbroken) this was the only option. There was still the potential risk of losing her... but I couldn't call myself a friend if I stayed silent. I had to break her heart, if I lost her as a results at least my conscious would be clear. Fortunately everything worked out and we became even closer as a results :) And I think she knows that I would do anything for her -- that no matter what I always have her back.

 

During this time I began to realized that I am hopelessly in love with this her too. She means the world to me!! A feeling that I think is mutual. I just never really picked up on it, but looking back theres clear indication that we had chemistry (still do). There are all these small little things that I never picked up on where she's hinting to me too... trying to be subtle and cute about it... but then I second guess myself because idk if she sees me as just a very very close friend. The typical friend-zone signs are not there at all. We've just never addressed what we are for some reason, despite the fact that we are in a sense kinda dating. We do couples type stuff together all the time. Go on little day adventures just the two of us. I know she has probably thought about this as well. We've just never talked about what exactly we are as both of us are inexperienced in that department.

 

 

So my question is should I tell her how I feel and what she means to me?

I don't foresee our relationship changing and things becoming awkward given our history. Or should I just enjoy what we have while it last?

If I am honest, I see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl she means the world to me :)

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So you know something about her that she is oblivious about? Without knowing the specifics, it's hard to give advice here.

 

But if you see yourself together and you really are fond of her, you should tell her. Otherwise, how will you feel if she suddenly gets a boyfriend and you're out in the cold?

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Well, would you regret it if you didn’t tell her how you feel?

 

I can’t imagine feeling that strongly for someone and not saying anything.

 

I say seize the moment, but you have to prepare yourself for how it might affect your relationship/friendship if things don’t pan out as you had hoped.

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Like the others, I'm kind of confused about this big secret about her—that you knew and, I assume, told her? My gut says that you knew she was dating someone who was cheating, and let her know? Up to you if you feel like filling us in.

 

I'm also curious as to why you think you are already, in a sense, dating. Is it because your a male and she's a female and you're close? Or are there certain lines being crossed, however gently and subtly? Just kind of curious to understand where that assumption comes from. I haven a few very close female friends—some who I've traveled with, etc.—but I wouldn't say it was dating-without-a-label because, well, we never crossed those lines.

 

Anyhow, sounds like you need to talk to her about your feelings—since it kind of sounds like you've been nurturing this crush since day one. But be prepared that they might not be reciprocated, and also be aware that when you're saying lofty things like you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who hasn't shown you clear romantic interest—well, that's still a lot of fantasy and projection speaking. Not saying that to negate your feelings, but just to keep a few toes on the ground.

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Have you asked her out on dates? That would be a better idea than awkwardly blurting out your feelings. That way you don't destroy the friendship and you have your answer as to whether whether she views you as just a friend or accepts the date.

 

What defines a "date" going to a coffee shop the movies and sitting there awkwardly? We've gone out together quite a few where it's just the two of us. Did something fun and had dinner afterwards talked about our lives ect... She has always agreed to whatever fun thing I've planned for us to do.

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Do you act like just friends together or do you make physical contact, pay, drive and other date gestures? It sounds like you are hanging out as friends for now.

We've gone out together quite a few where it's just the two of us. Did something fun and had dinner afterwards talked about our lives ect.
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But if you see yourself together and you really are fond of her, you should tell her. Otherwise, how will you feel if she suddenly gets a boyfriend and you're out in the cold?

 

I do! Everyone who knows us sees us together too I think :)

 

In regards to telling her about this devastating secret:

She was in a relationship with someone that I was partially responsible for destroying. That was the big secret which I got muddled in the original post. There's no way to go back and edit this for clarity after someone has commented. Anyway, her best friend had told her things about this guy before too but she ignored it. I don't really want to go into detail, but the guy was cheating on her with two other women and as a friend - knowing her personally, who she is as a person, her values and everything - I had to tell her. She would have found out eventually and been heartbroken or worse. It's not something I would wish on anyone every having to go through. It was difficult because she was completely devastated, but also I think she also kinda already knew too.

 

After that we became much closer and thats when I realized that I have strong feelings for her. But also I couldn't just swoop in and take this guys place either. Now I think enough time has passed and we're still just as close. The timing feels right and I'm ready to move things forward. I've just been unsure if I should tell her. I asked a coworker her opinion who said I shouldn't. However, a mutual guy friend who knows us both is completely for tell her. This friend is getting frustrated because I've delayed it for so long. He has no interest in her at all, but is just mad because we're perfect together.

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I do! Everyone who knows us sees us together too I think :)

 

In regards to telling her about this devastating secret:

She was in a relationship with someone that I was partially responsible for destroying. That was the big secret which I got muddled in the original post. There's no way to go back and edit this for clarity after someone has commented. Anyway, her best friend had told her things about this guy before too but she ignored it. I don't really want to go into detail, but the guy was cheating on her with two other women and as a friend - knowing her personally, who she is as a person, her values and everything - I had to tell her. She would have found out eventually and been heartbroken or worse. It's not something I would wish on anyone every having to go through. It was difficult because she was completely devastated, but also I think she also kinda already knew too.

 

After that we became much closer and thats when I realized that I have strong feelings for her. But also I couldn't just swoop in and take this guys place either. Now I think enough time has passed and we're still just as close. The timing feels right and I'm ready to move things forward. I've just been unsure if I should tell her. I asked a coworker her opinion who said I shouldn't. However, a mutual guy friend who knows us both is completely for tell her. This friend is getting frustrated because I've delayed it for so long. He has no interest in her at all, but is just mad because we're perfect together.

 

Did your coworker explain why she suggested not to reveal your feelings?

 

These types of feelings that you have for this woman don’t come along very often, so as long you’re prepared for her reaction, which could go either way, I’m a bit surprised that someone would recommend not opening up to her.

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Do you act like just friends together or do you make physical contact, pay, drive and other date gestures? It sounds like you are hanging out as friends for now.

 

We haven't kissed but have held hands while walking... she rests her head on my should stuff like that. When we part ways we typically hug and say goodbye, but thats my fault for not moving things forward too. Also I usually drive and pay for most things when we do go out. If it's expensive then we'll split the cost. Or she"ll agree to pay me back which typically she's good about.

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So my hunch was spot-on about you exposing a cheating bf?

 

I'm also curious why the co-worker says to keep your feelings to yourself—mainly because, well, I just think women are far more observant about such matters while men can live in fantasyland and/or sometimes forget that women, especially women who are pretty, friendly, and compelling, are people first rather than potential mates.

 

I'm sort of a few minds here, I admit, in that I suppose I've just never found it hard to know if romantic feelings are mutual. It's typically (or has typically been for me) one of those things that kind of just...happens. Hanging out as friends leads to a flirtation, an extended hug, a kiss, and from there feelings are talked about, confessed.

 

Also curious: Have you been dating others since becoming friends with her? Anything serious? Do you have other friends of the opposite sex?

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I have male friends and I might hold their hand and put my head on their shoulder, much like you shared.

But I don't cross that line with them.

 

Some where in all of this there needs to be some indication from her that she sees you more than a friend.

It's not just one text book act, but a look, a sense or a sign of something.

 

Do you honestly get any indication that she sees you as more than a friend or are you completely in the dark?

Because, much like a first date or two, you get should get some signal that you two are on the same page.

From what you've described, I can't see it.

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Did your coworker explain why she suggested not to reveal your feelings?

 

These types of feelings that you have for this woman don’t come along very often, so as long you’re prepared for her reaction, which could go either way, I’m a bit surprised that someone would recommend not opening up to her.

 

We didn't get into the details of our relationship much so that could be why. My coworker is also young at 22 so maybe not the best candidate, she's asked me for advice before so I felt open talking to her about it. Also all my other female friends, who ideally I could ask for advice, know us both.

 

Both of us value our friendship and what we have so, while her reaction could go either way, I firmly believe that we'll remain close friends. The only difference being that we both know where the limit of our friendship stands.

 

I have a plan of where I want to take her and how I want to tell her. So at the very least she will appreciate the gesture knowing that I cared about her enough to plan this all out. I just hope she doesn't start crying once she knows where the conversation is headed... because might too.

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I have male friends and I might hold their hand and put my head on their shoulder, much like you shared.

But I don't cross that line with them.

 

Some where in all of this there needs to be some indication from her that she sees you more than a friend.

It's not just one text book act, but a look, a sense or a sign of something.

 

Do you honestly get any indication that she sees you as more than a friend or are you completely in the dark?

Because, much like a first date or two, you get should get some signal that you two are on the same page.

From what you've described, I can't see it.

 

That could be your personality too, myself I'm not very physical with other people. There are other female friends who we've held hands... they've fallen asleep on my shoulder at times but its mutually known between us that we're just friends and its not a big deal.

 

Also I am terrible at picking up on signals, but looking back there's been multiple little things that I was oblivious to that are completely obvious now. Where she is trying to get my attention.

 

 

So my hunch was spot-on about you exposing a cheating bf?

 

I'm also curious why the co-worker says to keep your feelings to yourself—mainly because, well, I just think women are far more observant about such matters while men can live in fantasyland and/or sometimes forget that women, especially women who are pretty, friendly, and compelling, are people first rather than potential mates.

 

I'm sort of a few minds here, I admit, in that I suppose I've just never found it hard to know if romantic feelings are mutual. It's typically (or has typically been for me) one of those things that kind of just...happens. Hanging out as friends leads to a flirtation, an extended hug, a kiss, and from there feelings are talked about, confessed.

 

Also curious: Have you been dating others since becoming friends with her? Anything serious? Do you have other friends of the opposite sex?

 

Something to definitely think about. And I'd agree that men, often, have a tendency to live in fantasyland. I've been guilty of this in the past.

 

I haven't dated anyone else since becoming friends this girl. Is that weird? Mainly because I didn't have the time being married to a dissertation. And she has only dated 2 guys in the 5 years that we've known each other. The first lasted maybe a few weeks and the second lasted 5-6 month.

 

Theres have been other women that caught my eye, sure, but generally there's always something about them. We're still friends and friendly with each other. However, I just never saw there being any long-term connection between us (so never bothered wasting my time) or they were already in a serious relationship with someone. Generally that's been the case. Some of these could've led to something, possibly, but after some time has passed and they've become single the feeling has faded away.

 

The girl in question I've had feelings for since we met and became friends. She will always be a part of my life in some way! I do love her but that feeling might not be mutual which respect.

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I don't know what you're waiting for either. I think the more you keep asking different people about it the more you're just stalling and giving yourself excuses for living a lesser life than you should. I'm also beginning to question your feelings for her and whether you're ready for a relationship or as steady as you think you are. This is not meant as a disparaging remark but as feedback from an outsider just looking into a situation on the outset (just from the perimeter). If you are so jittery and unsure about what should feel natural, I'd revisit your reasons for entering a relationship or starting something if you aren't able to maintain it in the long term.

 

I'm also sensing perhaps you might have some reservations due to personal reasons (not sure specifically what these are) but try and work these out realistically and take your time if you need to. I'm fully supportive of you telling her your feelings. Just make sure you are prepared for a relationship in the first place and that you are willing to share your life with someone.

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I don't know what you're waiting for either. I think the more you keep asking different people about it the more you're just stalling and giving yourself excuses for living a lesser life than you should.

 

I have been stalling and needed to hear this. Thank You!

 

Truthfully, I planned on telling her sooner but its just never felt right. We've got a date planned for later this week someplace special. The place I planned on taking her to tell her actually because it's where I realized that I had feelings for her and love her. So fingers crossed that it all goes well.

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Glad you're getting this out there.

 

Just a little salt shake of advice, to be taken or discarded as your see fit:

 

You don't need to admission of "Hey, I like you" to be a performance. The "special" part doesn't come from some preplanned, orchestrated moment—cue tears, etc. as you're already doing a bit—but just in being authentic, vulnerable, honest.

 

It could be a grubby stairwell, it could be in skywriting—doesn't matter. "Hey there? I like you." Trust that, not the bells and whistles.

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Glad you're getting this out there.

It could be a grubby stairwell, it could be in skywriting—doesn't matter. "Hey there? I like you." Trust that, not the bells and whistles.

 

 

I know, it doesn't have to be an orchestrated moment.

 

I just feel comfortable where I plan on taking her and its an excellent place to sit and talk. It's kinda romantic and sweet but nothing exceptionally grandiose. The Grand Canyon is probably a great place to sit and talk too, but ultimately the place doesn't matter. If she starts crying its going to be from the actual telling her and being completely honest/vulnerable.

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Why don't you just softball around things.

The next time you plan something and she agrees to the plans say "Its a date, then!"

Or there must be other ways to fish around a little bit about what she thinks things are instead of making a teary confession that she may accept or completely rebuff and feel icky about.

Or she could be confused - thinking you are already dating.

 

I'd fish around a little bit so you have a vague clue if she is receptive.

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I think abitbroken put it more clearly than I could. Or said what I meant to say.

 

I admit that you’re a tricky one to get a read on, OP, in that you’re clearly a smart, aware adult dude, which is part of why I’m kind of struggling to understand why this is complicated.

 

Normally there’s a pretty clear vibe between two people, a little sizzle that you build together. Sometimes you acknowledge it in words, sometimes first with, I don’t know, a gesture or a kiss. It’s all soft, easy, mutual, a dance.

 

Guess I’m just saying that maybe there’s a way to nudge things into a more romantic place, and see if she’s there, rather than the sunset confession that triggers tears.

 

Maybe dial back on this being “love” and “forever” and just focus on it “maybe being a thing that is more than friends,” if that makes sense.

 

Big things come from small steps.

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If you have gone on trips with her - was it with other people there as well? Or was it just the two of you. If it was always with other people, i would ask her to dinner = not grabbing a bite on the way home from an event but just dinner and at a datey place.

 

Part of the reason I feel open with just telling her how I feel. In short, I've never had to break my mom/sisters heart and hold them crying in my arms.

 

What happened? What does this mean.

 

You are a very dramatic or vague person.

 

I do think you need to softball this because you seem to have no read on this and could be way wrong (she either already thinks you are dating or sees you as just a friend, have mostly been in the company of others and you are fixated on her)

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