First day at new job - missing my former mentor

Hi all,

So today, I started a new job at a new company after being in my former job for three years.

During those three years, I worked with an amazing manager who also happened to be pretty high up in the company. Unfortunately, I didn't report to her directly. She was the head of our market and I was covering it alone remotely, so she had a full direct overview on my work. She always had my back, but was unfortunately pretty weak towards her own management. Thus, when I left, they were unable to provide me with a counteroffer as the company is in a pretty bad state. For three years, she worked hard at getting me trained, assisted in my personal development and gave me visibility to the greater network with her countless feedbacks on me to other managers. She did this in a way my direct manager in middle management never did. I absolutely loved working with her.

I guess I was also a bit spoiled, but the salary was way too low in comparison to competitors for me to stay.

Anyway. I moved on to a new job today and I came home crying! Although the salary and the atmosphere seem a lot better, I was missing my former mentor all day. We use the same instant messaging and emailing tools as my former employer, so my heart broke a little when I logged in to something that really looked exactly like my former desktop, only to realize she wasn't in my contacts (you know what I mean). I couldn't stop thinking of her and my former colleagues all day. I teared up when I got home.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I didn't shed a tear when I left or even during the weeks leading to my departure. I was actually pretty happy to move on and it hit me today. I really miss her. I'm scared I won't find another mentor like her.

I know I only started today and hopefully, I will get to know the team. However, right now, I feel a lot of pain over this. I'm a grown woman, but I can't help myself but cry.

Have you ever experienced this? How long does it take to get over this feeling?

Thanks.

Did you get her contact before you left or before she left? She may be on linkedin. I don't feel, in this case, that it would be inappropriate to reach out even if in terms of a reference contact. To be very dry and succinct, I don't think there's anything wrong with you but you seem to have also developed too deep of an emotional connection to your colleagues. If you've depended on them for emotional support in other areas of your life (in passing or at work) or if you spent a lot of time with them outside of work, I'd suggest creating better boundaries when it comes to your work and personal life.

I don't think it's unusual either to have some wistful feelings about good memories so I wouldn't be that hard on yourself if I were you. Once you get settled into the rhythm of your new work routine, you should be more preoccupied about learning the ropes at this new workplace. The only thing I'd caution you over is assuming that anything to do with your current position is similar to your old position. Treat this as a new project and a new chapter, be eyes wide open and cautious about company protocol and different policies. Keep your eyes and ears peeled and don't rest too easy just because there are a few similarities here and there. Know who you're reporting to and what's expected of you. This should keep you occupied and those emotions should fade. Your energies should be focused on your new position.

I love Rose's advice and of course you should stay in touch with your former mentors -I stay in touch with almost all of mine pretty much all the way back to my first non-fast food boss from the summer I turned 15 -in the early 80s!

Thank you both.

I'm the one who left.

Yes, I have her on LinkedIn and I have her phone number as well. She also has my details and has asked me to reach out from time to time to say how I'm doing. She lives in a different country, but we worked together remotely and saw each other a few times a year.

I think my former job was my first permanent contract and I therefore grew emotionally attached to it & her. She allowed me to build my professional persona and was supporting me every step of the way. She even gave me a reference for my new job.

I understand this partnership was build over the course of 3 years, not 1 day, but it is nonetheless difficult for me.

This new company is nothing like my last job though. It's just the emailing and instant messaging systems that are the same. It's a much healthier environment (or at least at first glance) with better benefits, career progression possibilities and salary. I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity. However, my heart still has to process what my mind already knows. I'm missing both mentors I had (there's another guy also), my clients and former coworkers, but her more specifically.

Perhaps it's just the change of environment.

Stay in touch with former colleagues on LinkedIn.

Yes. Transitions are hard. Give it time. And be a good mentee by staying in touch and paying it forward.

That's such a great idea. Yes, I agree with Batya about paying it forward if you have the opportunity to or are open to that idea. I think you'll be fine. Get to know your colleagues in your new work space or company. Different bosses will have different styles. Some are more hands on than others. You may not get the same guidance from your current employer (leave room for that) but don't let that blind you to other opportunities and room for growth (like the ones you listed). Congratulations on the new position, by the way.

You may want to send a note of appreciation to your mentors summarizing some of the most impactful things they've done for you. You may want to voice to them a commitment of your intention to follow their lead by offering your best help to others going forward. Mentorships aren't merely beneficial to the mentee, but rather, they offer benefits to the mentor that cannot be described, only experienced.

You can keep your mentors as mental guides that inspire you toward attitudes and behaviors that will make you proud even as you do your mentors proud. The true way to honor a mentor is to create a cycle with their gifts that benefit the next person behind you.

Head high, and congrats on your new position.

I keep in touch with my mentors, all the way back to my first one, more than 30 years ago. We are still friends!

And I keep in touch with several others as well, via Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. I still receive Xmas cards from them, and an occasional phone call. And one of them actually asked me for a reference, as he was going for a VP job of a new company. I glowed when the company called me about him, and he got the job, and then he offered me a job in his new company!

I've learned 3 very important, trite but true things:

1) Never burn a bridge. An old saying, but sooooooo true.

2) You will have new mentors. If you're smart (and you seem like you are!), you will have many mentors throughout your career. One great thing about social media will be your ability to stay in touch, which I highly encourage. The occasional LinkedIn message, or Facebook comment, or Xmas card, will help keep in touch.

3) I bet she misses you too. Your feelings for her were, I can bet, not one-sided. Reach out to her, thank her for all she did for you, and if she responds, see if she's up for coffee once in a while.

You may want to send a note of appreciation to your mentors summarizing some of the most impactful things they've done for you. You may want to voice to them a commitment of your intention to follow their lead by offering your best help to others going forward. Mentorships aren't merely beneficial to the mentee, but rather, they offer benefits to the mentor that cannot be described, only experienced.

 

You can keep your mentors as mental guides that inspire you toward attitudes and behaviors that will make you proud even as you do your mentors proud. The true way to honor a mentor is to create a cycle with their gifts that benefit the next person behind you.

 

Head high, and congrats on your new position.

Wonderful suggestions here and insights by LHGirl as well.