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Thread: Am I handling this properly?

  1. #1
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    Am I handling this properly?

    I want to start by saying that Iíd never even entertain the thought that Iím perfect.

    Iíve struggled all my life with reading people, and social cues. It has always been tough for me to discern whether people do or donít like me, and whether they want me around. In my teens and into my late 20ís I got used to always being the least respected person in the room, and I realized it was because Iíd do and tolerate inappropriate things. The word ďnoĒ is one that Iíve only recently felt I am worthy of using. Now, at 30 years old I am doing a bit better with people, still unable to make many friends, but I feel like Iím getting closer.

    Dating and sex have been disastrous for me. Iíve never had sex with someone, and had a positive outcome. I realize I am to blame for this, and I stopped dating for about 4 years to enroll in counseling and try and learn how to conduct myself when getting to know new men. The few guys Iíve tried dating since stopped talking to me within 3 months, usually after sex. I realized I was still not doing something right, and continued seeking help.

    After not dating for an additional year, I met a guy Iíll call Dennis on a dating app this past December. I was texting with and going on dates with about 7 other men at the time, and Dennis didnít really interest me. To be frank, he came off like an ***hole, and was inappropriately sexual. I didnít like the way he was acting, so I stopped calling and responding to his texts. In response, he started being nicer, and insisted on meeting me for a date.

    He took me out to a lovely restaurant, and was the sweetest gentleman Iíd ever gone out with, LOL. Heís been just as sweet ever since. So Dennis and I started dating, but he didnítí seem interested in seeing me much. I told him I didnít think things were working out, and I needed to be with someone who wanted to see me. I tried breaking up with him, but he wasnít having it and made it a point to see me every Monday. For about three months, our once per week Monday dates grew to twice each week. I became interested in sleeping with him so I asked him to get an STD test, and he agreed to get one but never did.

    Dennis is a business owner, he owns a liquor store and a number of rental properties. A few weeks ago he fired one of his employees, and has been working all of his shifts. Then his original business partner and ex-best friend, Gary showed up and everything changed. Dennis had been crying about Gary cashing out of the business, and cutting him out of his life without giving him an actual reason. Dennis really wanted to know what he had done wrong, and had heard gossip that Gary was spreading, but wanted to hear it from him. Dennis was at a bar one night and saw Garyís brother. Dennis provoked a fight with the brother and got kicked out of the bar. For about 2 weeks after, Dennis and Gary bickered about how Dennis screwed him over and still owed him $40,000. Dennis said he didnít owe him anything, and to sue him. Dennis was the best man at Garyís wedding, and is the godfather of his son. They had been best friends their entire lives.

    Gary called Dennis fat, and Dennis became obsessed with the gym. He started going morning and night on top of working 13-hour shifts at his store because he fired that employee. Now, for the past 3 weeks, Dennis has canceled all of our dates and I havenít seen him at all. I figured Dennis was trying to do a slow fade on me, so I tried to make it easy for him. I stopped contacting him as much, and he started questioning me and if there was something wrong. I told him that it seemed like maybe heís no longer in a situation where he can maintain a relationship⎯specifically with me. Itís okay because I have a lot going on too, and we just arenít right for each other. He was not trying to hear that, and convinced me that what heís going through has nothing to do with me.

    He said he wants to be with me, but heís going through a lot. Heís looking to buy a new store or maybe a restaurant, and is dealing with things. He thinks heís good for me, and said heís never doubted whether Iím good for him. He said it really hurts that Iím so willing to leave him, and he wants to know I want this as much as he does. He said to stop trying to break up with him instead of talking about the issue Iím feeling. He said he tries to show and tell me he cares about me every day, and for me to stop creating problems and arguments when thereís nothing to argue about. He said we will hang out again, he just needs to deal with some stuff, and to please stop questioning his intentions because they are sincere.

    So I moved on with him from that, and he doesnít seem like he resents me. However this is the third week we havenít seen each other, and he still hasnít gotten tested for STDs. I feel uncomfortable calling or texting him first because he has been so distant, so I donít contact him first ever. I stopped telling him about the things that are going on in my life to keep the texts short. I stopped asking him about his life because I donít want to probe. I stopped responding to his texts unless they include a question that indicates he wants me to write back. I donít contact him at all on social media.

    We will have been dating for 6 months in June, and if I still feel unwanted and annoying dating him, Iím thinking about ghosting him. Iíve also sent him my STD results, and he has still not sent his, and Iím not comfortable having sex because of it. I was thinking of blocking his number and Insta without saying anything, because heís great at getting me to see things from his perspective. Iím thinking of ghosting him sooner if we go 4 weeks (an entire month) without seeing each other.

    Iím looking for a boyfriend who wants to see me and spend time with me. I want to be with someone I can hang out with in person and have fun doing things with. I want someone who will get texted for STDs (especially when I have) and not try and stall and see if I forget. He claims to really care for me, and all day today heís been asking if anything is wrong and telling me to be positive (I have not hinted that there is an issue). I donít know if Iím handling things improperly, and throwing away a good guy. One thing I can say is that any guy Iíve met in the past 10 years would have left me by now, especially without having sex. Dennis doesnít make fun of me or say mean things to me like those guys did, and he doesnít try to make me feel guilty for trying to break up with him. He seems very understanding, and that I appreciate.

    I just donít know if Iím seeing things correctly.

  2. #2
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    So many red flags regarding character that you ignored.

    You should have stuck with your initial decision of cutting him off, when he was being sexually inappropriate.

    Block, delete and be done. he is no good!

  3. #3
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    I also hope that you insist on condoms after being tested, with everyone. People do cheat and HIV can take some time to show up.

  4. #4
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    If you want a boyfriend who'll be there for you, and available for fun things you can reasonably expect as a couple, this guy clearly isn't the one for you. Even if he has genuine reasons for cancelling all your dates for the last three weeks - and this story really, really doesn't smell right - it doesn't alter the fact that he just isn't around.

    In healthy relationships, both partners share their problems and other things which are going on in their lives. They don't deal with 'stuff' in a cloak and dagger way whilst making up excuses not to see you, and stringing you along. When someone's genuinely interested, they find the time to see you.

    I find it so sad that you're worried about throwing away a good guy, because you haven't had sex with him and he hasn't left you. That he must be a good guy because he doesn't make fun of you or say mean things to you. If he genuinely was a good guy, you'd know about it because he would consistently demonstrate his interest in you, and leave you in no doubt about it.

    Don't play games. Tell him that you respect the fact that he's very busy, and that you understand that he doesn't have time for a relationship right now - but that it really isn't working for you, and so you're ending it. THEN block and delete if you're worried that you'll be manipulated back into it all again.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You should have stuck with your initial decision of cutting him off, when he was being sexually inappropriate.
    Yes - I'd forgotten about that bit!!!!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    So many red flags regarding character that you ignored.

    You should have stuck with your initial decision of cutting him off, when he was being sexually inappropriate.

    Block, delete and be done. he is no good!
    You're right.

    I asked him why he was such a tool at first and he said that it was just his defense. If people are willing to get to know him beyond that mask he puts up, then he thinks its safe to open up and be himself.

  8. #7
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    No, you're not. As holly said, there are a million and one red flags you've chosen to look past or accept. But being frank, your mindset and behavior aren't going to net you anyone better. He doesn't call you names or lash out with verbal abuse, but he is willing to tolerate you "breaking up" with him for the sake of drama and reassurance. Any time someone would insist on pursuing someone who's told them flat out they don't want them, it speaks to a broken character, and we see it with him. And this is why you essentially get a free pass from him for all your dramatic antics. He's likewise not going to net himself anyone better than someone who behaves as you do. Even now, you want to ghost him, but for what possible reason? While I'd hope you'd at least call, if you really wanted to, you could simply send a text saying, "I'm dumping you. Decision's final. Have a great life," and block him immediately after. But I'm guessing full-on ghosting him leaves him in enough confusion to pursue you and again provide your ego that little boost.

    It unfortunately seems like you're a couple steps behind in terms of social development. Is this something you were working on in therapy? Are you still in therapy? I really hesitate to offer advice to people who are in a clinical condition and in treatment, so by all means defer to whoever it is you're seeing there first. But while I wouldn't say to go hog-wild, I think you'd be better off accepting that you are a bit behind, even if just romantically rather than more broadly socially, and date just to date. It sounds like you've got a whole plethora of expectations and are looking for a mold that fits them rather than an actual guy.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    You're right.

    I asked him why he was such a tool at first and he said that it was just his defense. If people are willing to get to know him beyond that mask he puts up, then he thinks its safe to open up and be himself.
    It is not a "mask," this is a sign of disrespect.

    You have have been shown in many ways that this guy is bad news. You need to act on red flags, and not excuse.

    The thing with the business partner is really shady.

    He has shown you with his actions, time and again, that he does not care.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    No, you're not. As holly said, there are a million and one red flags you've chosen to look past or accept. But being frank, your mindset and behavior aren't going to net you anyone better. He doesn't call you names or lash out with verbal abuse, but he is willing to tolerate you "breaking up" with him for the sake of drama and reassurance. Any time someone would insist on pursuing someone who's told them flat out they don't want them, it speaks to a broken character, and we see it with him. And this is why you essentially get a free pass from him for all your dramatic antics. He's likewise not going to net himself anyone better than someone who behaves as you do. Even now, you want to ghost him, but for what possible reason? While I'd hope you'd at least call, if you really wanted to, you could simply send a text saying, "I'm dumping you. Decision's final. Have a great life," and block him immediately after. But I'm guessing full-on ghosting him leaves him in enough confusion to pursue you and again provide your ego that little boost.

    It unfortunately seems like you're a couple steps behind in terms of social development. Is this something you were working on in therapy? Are you still in therapy? I really hesitate to offer advice to people who are in a clinical condition and in treatment, so by all means defer to whoever it is you're seeing there first. But while I wouldn't say to go hog-wild, I think you'd be better off accepting that you are a bit behind, even if just romantically rather than more broadly socially, and date just to date. It sounds like you've got a whole plethora of expectations and are looking for a mold that fits them rather than an actual guy.
    The coach I'm working with now is more Christian based. I met with him a little over a week ago when the business partner situation happened and he (and his wife) encouraged me to break up with him. Dennis was going on and on about attacking them and shattering the windshield in the brother's Mercedes. It was all he could think about the entire week.

    The coach and his wife told me everything to say, and I wrote it down and called him and said it as soon as they left. It didn't work. He started asking questions I wasn't sure how to answer, and it just didn't work. I'm not trying to start drama, I wish my coaches and you all could have heard how the conversation went. I'm never sure I'm making the right decision.

  11. #10
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    "Dennis was going on and on about attacking them and shattering the windshield in the brother's Mercedes." This is not clear for you, along with everything else?

    Have you considered seeking a professional for the counseling, not only religious based.? It does not seem to be working for you.

    I think you know that this guy is off. You knew it from the start, but accepted the excuses.

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