Am I handling this properly?

I want to start by saying that I’d never even entertain the thought that I’m perfect.

I’ve struggled all my life with reading people, and social cues. It has always been tough for me to discern whether people do or don’t like me, and whether they want me around. In my teens and into my late 20’s I got used to always being the least respected person in the room, and I realized it was because I’d do and tolerate inappropriate things. The word “no” is one that I’ve only recently felt I am worthy of using. Now, at 30 years old I am doing a bit better with people, still unable to make many friends, but I feel like I’m getting closer.

Dating and sex have been disastrous for me. I’ve never had sex with someone, and had a positive outcome. I realize I am to blame for this, and I stopped dating for about 4 years to enroll in counseling and try and learn how to conduct myself when getting to know new men. The few guys I’ve tried dating since stopped talking to me within 3 months, usually after sex. I realized I was still not doing something right, and continued seeking help.

After not dating for an additional year, I met a guy I’ll call Dennis on a dating app this past December. I was texting with and going on dates with about 7 other men at the time, and Dennis didn’t really interest me. To be frank, he came off like an ***hole, and was inappropriately sexual. I didn’t like the way he was acting, so I stopped calling and responding to his texts. In response, he started being nicer, and insisted on meeting me for a date.

He took me out to a lovely restaurant, and was the sweetest gentleman I’d ever gone out with, LOL. He’s been just as sweet ever since. So Dennis and I started dating, but he didn’t’ seem interested in seeing me much. I told him I didn’t think things were working out, and I needed to be with someone who wanted to see me. I tried breaking up with him, but he wasn’t having it and made it a point to see me every Monday. For about three months, our once per week Monday dates grew to twice each week. I became interested in sleeping with him so I asked him to get an STD test, and he agreed to get one but never did.

Dennis is a business owner, he owns a liquor store and a number of rental properties. A few weeks ago he fired one of his employees, and has been working all of his shifts. Then his original business partner and ex-best friend, Gary showed up and everything changed. Dennis had been crying about Gary cashing out of the business, and cutting him out of his life without giving him an actual reason. Dennis really wanted to know what he had done wrong, and had heard gossip that Gary was spreading, but wanted to hear it from him. Dennis was at a bar one night and saw Gary’s brother. Dennis provoked a fight with the brother and got kicked out of the bar. For about 2 weeks after, Dennis and Gary bickered about how Dennis screwed him over and still owed him $40,000. Dennis said he didn’t owe him anything, and to sue him. Dennis was the best man at Gary’s wedding, and is the godfather of his son. They had been best friends their entire lives.

Gary called Dennis fat, and Dennis became obsessed with the gym. He started going morning and night on top of working 13-hour shifts at his store because he fired that employee. Now, for the past 3 weeks, Dennis has canceled all of our dates and I haven’t seen him at all. I figured Dennis was trying to do a slow fade on me, so I tried to make it easy for him. I stopped contacting him as much, and he started questioning me and if there was something wrong. I told him that it seemed like maybe he’s no longer in a situation where he can maintain a relationship⎯specifically with me. It’s okay because I have a lot going on too, and we just aren’t right for each other. He was not trying to hear that, and convinced me that what he’s going through has nothing to do with me.

He said he wants to be with me, but he’s going through a lot. He’s looking to buy a new store or maybe a restaurant, and is dealing with things. He thinks he’s good for me, and said he’s never doubted whether I’m good for him. He said it really hurts that I’m so willing to leave him, and he wants to know I want this as much as he does. He said to stop trying to break up with him instead of talking about the issue I’m feeling. He said he tries to show and tell me he cares about me every day, and for me to stop creating problems and arguments when there’s nothing to argue about. He said we will hang out again, he just needs to deal with some stuff, and to please stop questioning his intentions because they are sincere.

So I moved on with him from that, and he doesn’t seem like he resents me. However this is the third week we haven’t seen each other, and he still hasn’t gotten tested for STDs. I feel uncomfortable calling or texting him first because he has been so distant, so I don’t contact him first ever. I stopped telling him about the things that are going on in my life to keep the texts short. I stopped asking him about his life because I don’t want to probe. I stopped responding to his texts unless they include a question that indicates he wants me to write back. I don’t contact him at all on social media.

We will have been dating for 6 months in June, and if I still feel unwanted and annoying dating him, I’m thinking about ghosting him. I’ve also sent him my STD results, and he has still not sent his, and I’m not comfortable having sex because of it. I was thinking of blocking his number and Insta without saying anything, because he’s great at getting me to see things from his perspective. I’m thinking of ghosting him sooner if we go 4 weeks (an entire month) without seeing each other.

I’m looking for a boyfriend who wants to see me and spend time with me. I want to be with someone I can hang out with in person and have fun doing things with. I want someone who will get texted for STDs (especially when I have) and not try and stall and see if I forget. He claims to really care for me, and all day today he’s been asking if anything is wrong and telling me to be positive (I have not hinted that there is an issue). I don’t know if I’m handling things improperly, and throwing away a good guy. One thing I can say is that any guy I’ve met in the past 10 years would have left me by now, especially without having sex. Dennis doesn’t make fun of me or say mean things to me like those guys did, and he doesn’t try to make me feel guilty for trying to break up with him. He seems very understanding, and that I appreciate.

I just don’t know if I’m seeing things correctly.

So many red flags regarding character that you ignored.

You should have stuck with your initial decision of cutting him off, when he was being sexually inappropriate.

Block, delete and be done. he is no good!

I also hope that you insist on condoms after being tested, with everyone. People do cheat and HIV can take some time to show up.

If you want a boyfriend who'll be there for you, and available for fun things you can reasonably expect as a couple, this guy clearly isn't the one for you. Even if he has genuine reasons for cancelling all your dates for the last three weeks - and this story really, really doesn't smell right - it doesn't alter the fact that he just isn't around.

In healthy relationships, both partners share their problems and other things which are going on in their lives. They don't deal with 'stuff' in a cloak and dagger way whilst making up excuses not to see you, and stringing you along. When someone's genuinely interested, they find the time to see you.

I find it so sad that you're worried about throwing away a good guy, because you haven't had sex with him and he hasn't left you. That he must be a good guy because he doesn't make fun of you or say mean things to you. If he genuinely was a good guy, you'd know about it because he would consistently demonstrate his interest in you, and leave you in no doubt about it.

Don't play games. Tell him that you respect the fact that he's very busy, and that you understand that he doesn't have time for a relationship right now - but that it really isn't working for you, and so you're ending it. THEN block and delete if you're worried that you'll be manipulated back into it all again.

You should have stuck with your initial decision of cutting him off, when he was being sexually inappropriate.

Yes - I'd forgotten about that bit!!!!

So many red flags regarding character that you ignored.

 

You should have stuck with your initial decision of cutting him off, when he was being sexually inappropriate.

 

Block, delete and be done. he is no good!

You're right.

I asked him why he was such a tool at first and he said that it was just his defense. If people are willing to get to know him beyond that mask he puts up, then he thinks its safe to open up and be himself.

No, you're not. As holly said, there are a million and one red flags you've chosen to look past or accept. But being frank, your mindset and behavior aren't going to net you anyone better. He doesn't call you names or lash out with verbal abuse, but he is willing to tolerate you "breaking up" with him for the sake of drama and reassurance. Any time someone would insist on pursuing someone who's told them flat out they don't want them, it speaks to a broken character, and we see it with him. And this is why you essentially get a free pass from him for all your dramatic antics. He's likewise not going to net himself anyone better than someone who behaves as you do. Even now, you want to ghost him, but for what possible reason? While I'd hope you'd at least call, if you really wanted to, you could simply send a text saying, "I'm dumping you. Decision's final. Have a great life," and block him immediately after. But I'm guessing full-on ghosting him leaves him in enough confusion to pursue you and again provide your ego that little boost.

It unfortunately seems like you're a couple steps behind in terms of social development. Is this something you were working on in therapy? Are you still in therapy? I really hesitate to offer advice to people who are in a clinical condition and in treatment, so by all means defer to whoever it is you're seeing there first. But while I wouldn't say to go hog-wild, I think you'd be better off accepting that you are a bit behind, even if just romantically rather than more broadly socially, and date just to date. It sounds like you've got a whole plethora of expectations and are looking for a mold that fits them rather than an actual guy.

You're right.

 

I asked him why he was such a tool at first and he said that it was just his defense. If people are willing to get to know him beyond that mask he puts up, then he thinks its safe to open up and be himself.

It is not a "mask," this is a sign of disrespect.

You have have been shown in many ways that this guy is bad news. You need to act on red flags, and not excuse.

The thing with the business partner is really shady.

He has shown you with his actions, time and again, that he does not care.

No, you're not. As holly said, there are a million and one red flags you've chosen to look past or accept. But being frank, your mindset and behavior aren't going to net you anyone better. He doesn't call you names or lash out with verbal abuse, but he is willing to tolerate you "breaking up" with him for the sake of drama and reassurance. Any time someone would insist on pursuing someone who's told them flat out they don't want them, it speaks to a broken character, and we see it with him. And this is why you essentially get a free pass from him for all your dramatic antics. He's likewise not going to net himself anyone better than someone who behaves as you do. Even now, you want to ghost him, but for what possible reason? While I'd hope you'd at least call, if you really wanted to, you could simply send a text saying, "I'm dumping you. Decision's final. Have a great life," and block him immediately after. But I'm guessing full-on ghosting him leaves him in enough confusion to pursue you and again provide your ego that little boost.

 

It unfortunately seems like you're a couple steps behind in terms of social development. Is this something you were working on in therapy? Are you still in therapy? I really hesitate to offer advice to people who are in a clinical condition and in treatment, so by all means defer to whoever it is you're seeing there first. But while I wouldn't say to go hog-wild, I think you'd be better off accepting that you are a bit behind, even if just romantically rather than more broadly socially, and date just to date. It sounds like you've got a whole plethora of expectations and are looking for a mold that fits them rather than an actual guy.

The coach I'm working with now is more Christian based. I met with him a little over a week ago when the business partner situation happened and he (and his wife) encouraged me to break up with him. Dennis was going on and on about attacking them and shattering the windshield in the brother's Mercedes. It was all he could think about the entire week.

The coach and his wife told me everything to say, and I wrote it down and called him and said it as soon as they left. It didn't work. He started asking questions I wasn't sure how to answer, and it just didn't work. I'm not trying to start drama, I wish my coaches and you all could have heard how the conversation went. I'm never sure I'm making the right decision.

"Dennis was going on and on about attacking them and shattering the windshield in the brother's Mercedes." This is not clear for you, along with everything else?

Have you considered seeking a professional for the counseling, not only religious based.? It does not seem to be working for you.

I think you know that this guy is off. You knew it from the start, but accepted the excuses.

OP - are you on the autistic spectrum, or ever been assessed for autism? I work with adults on the autistic spectrum, and also know a couple of people socially who are. It's just that the vulnerability expressed in your posts, and the difficulty you have in reading people and social situations, reminds me of the situations some of our service users experience.

I may be completely off-beam here, but it may be that your issues won't be properly addressed by regular counselling and something more specialist might be better for you.

In spite of all the limitations you feel you have, you are still able to list his red flags and though you aren't firm about it, you are proving that you are capable of setting limits on how you expect to be treated. Maybe not firm ones or ones that you trust, but with practice it will come.

I agree with others that you probably should have cut him off at the sexual innuendos, but somehow between the two of you you managed to turn that around for a short time.

Life throws us challenges and though he says he's deep in the middle of his, if your relationship was important to him he would be making time for you. That and the lack of testing show's you his intentions, despite everything he says to the contrary.

Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. There you have your answer.

Continue working on yourself until you believe you deserve better.

Self esteem comes from making decisions in your own self care. Saying no to this guy will in turn add to your self esteem.

Rule 1,543,256 for the insecure girl... just because someone pursues you doesn't mean they are a good person to be in a relationship with. You are giving your power away to this guy which is why, when he holds you to account for your decisions, you bend like a blade of grass.

The coach and his wife told me everything to say, and I wrote it down and called him and said it as soon as they left. It didn't work. He started asking questions I wasn't sure how to answer, and it just didn't work

I am not surprised this didn't work out for you. You are not only giving your power away to some guy, you are giving your power away to your coach and his wife so you literally have no foundation left to stand on which is why you can't stand up for yourself in conversations.

You need to work on building your confidence and getting a backbone that will enable you to bend but not break... get a solid foundation so you don't crumble with the slightest breath of wind. Find someone that will help you be YOU... find out what that best version of yourself is... and continue working towards that.

The positive thing is that you continue to set boundaries, and evaluate your decisions, and look for opportunities to grow as a person... keep up the good work!

You are enough, period.

This guy is a flake. Anyone who was really serious about you wouldn't go three weeks without seeing you no matter how busy they were because they fired an employee. There is always time to be with someone you love even if its not as much time as it was before life got in the way. A lunch date, getting together at his work for take out even. He's not seen you in three weeks, he's stalled on the STD testing and he takes advantage of your naivete by brow beating you into staying with him when you are clearly not happy with your relationship as it is.

Don't "ghost" him. That's immature and rude. simply text him telling him that you've not been happy due to the incompatibility with him so for your own emotional best interests you are ending the relationship, wish him well and then ask him not to contact you again. If he does, don't respond. If you can't help yourself by not responding then block and delete him.

I also suggest that you find a good therapist (not a Christian "coach") that will help you to see why you should break up with him rather than just telling you to and not guiding you into keeping your resolve by sticking to your decision(s).

Don't let him keep you in this dating limbo he's placed you in. Take back your personal power from him.

Ok there are a lot of things you can take control of. Take your time and let things evolve. Do not rush or try to control the situation this much. Instead, rule out jerks and inappropriate men asap. Do not try to fix, change or hope they will change or you can fix them. Take a what you see is what you get approach to dating.

Try not to engage in this much texting/TMI. Dating is for getting to know someone. Also you can not tell someone to get STD tests. NEVER send people your medical records. Use condoms and practice safe sex.

Just end it if it's not working out. If after 6 mos he is still acting like a jerk, simply tell him it's not working, end it and move on. Stop trying to change people or use passive aggressive maneuvers like ghosting, etc.

We will have been dating for 6 months in June, and if I still feel unwanted and annoying dating him, I’m thinking about ghosting him. I’ve also sent him my STD results

To be frank, he came off like an ***hole, and was inappropriately sexual.

This told you all you ever needed to know about the guy. Why you accepted a date with him at any point after this is the thing to identify and change. Raise your bar for screening out bad matches instead of involving yourself with them, and then you won't need to worry about how to handle continual bad behavior after the fact.

Ghost him and move on. There are no judges and juries in your love life, so you don't need to build a 'case' in order to ditch lousy matches. Engaging further to explain yourself only positions you to get roped in by apologies, which have zero to do with what someone has already shown you about themselves.