A guy who became distant

I met a guy three years ago and we were attracted to each other since the beginning, but we lived in different towns. We were friends and met each other few times a year. I liked him more than anyone ever and thought we would make great couple. When I moved to his city(for other reasons than him) I hoped we would become even closer, but he suddenly became uninterested. He is nice to me whenever he sees me but never remembers to call and it seems like he doesn't want to keep contact with me anymore. We were very close and it really hurts me. Doesn't he want me anymore even as a friend? For past three years there were times when I stop thinking about him, but somehow he gets on my mind again. I am worrying that maybe I did something wrong and constantly getting trapped in whatifs. It's consuming so much of my time and energy and I want it to stop. I tried but I find it hard to fall in love with anyone else. What should I do?

Had you met him before you moved to his city or was your friendship more electronic than anything else?

We met on a trip. We had mutual friends, so all of us went to trips together. I've spent many days with him in person and it seems we were quite close.

We met on a trip. We had mutual friends, so all of us went to trips together. I've spent many days with him in person and it seems we were quite close.

Apparently he liked you better from a distance.

As long as there was a sufficient amount of distance, he's cool.

As soon as you closed that gap by moving closer, permanently, he lost interest.

There are plenty of men (and women) who actually prefer distance in their dating experiences and relationships, for various reasons, seeing, spending time sporadically.

Many intentionally seek out people who live long distance, via the Internet or while on vacay.

I just posted about it on another thread.

I am aware of what some of those issues are, but won't go into here, but it's not uncommon.

My advice, lose his number and move on, I'm sorry.

Given how he has cut you out of his life anyway, I don't see as you have much choice.

Thank you for your answer. You are probably right, I don't know how else to explain it. But it is still very hard to let it go. I was hoping that we have a chance. And I don't know how to act when I meet him because I will meet him for sure from time to time.

I also feel like I will never find anyone for me.

If it were me I'd ignore, but don't be snarky or have attitude about it.

Remain cool, and calm.

Just hang with other people, if he approaches you and says hi, say hi back, then politely excuse yourself and go talk to other people.

That's what I would do anyway; he essentially ghosted you which is pretty crappy.

I wouldn't even bother asking what happened, you're not likely to get an honest reply back anyway, so why bother?

I am really sorry, it sucks.

But it's happened to most of us and you will move past it and meet a great guy, I promise!!

arani, I i have a question pls be honest, w yourself mostly.

Did you move to his area to be closer to him? Close that gap to give you both a chance at developing a real relationship versus sporadic meetings a few times a year?

You said it was for "other" reasons but I question that as immediately after you said it, you said "I was hoping to get closer to him."

Honesty.

I'd let this one go.

arani, I i have a question pls be honest, w yourself mostly.

 

Did you move to his area to be closer to him? Close that gap to give you both a chance at developing a real relationship versus sporadic meetings a few times a year?

 

You said it was for "other" reasons but I question that as immediately after you said it, you said "I was hoping to get closer to him."

 

Honesty.

Good question.

Well, I had to move to other town because of my job. And I could chose between two towns. There were various reasons for choosing that one, and yes, one of the reasons was him.

Well, I had to move to other town because of my job. And I could chose between two towns.

 

There were various reasons for choosing that one, and yes, one of the reasons was him.

 

Is it safe to assume you discussed this with him prior to your making this decision?

What was his response?

Happy, sad, indifferent?

I haven't discussed about it with him so much before making the decision. He.. wasn't sad for sure, but he wasn't extremely happy either. I actually think he has no idea that he may be one of the reasons because I have never let myself show how much I care.

I haven't discussed about it with him so much before making the decision. He.. wasn't sad for sure, but he wasn't extremely happy either. I actually think he has no idea that he may be one of the reasons because I have never let myself show how much I care.

You should not have done that: him being one of your reasons for moving.

Well, I'm almost sure that I would move there even if I had never met him. I had better opportunities in that city. I just was happy to know that he is also there.

You should not have done that: him being one of your reasons for moving.

Or at least talked w him it about it, prior to.

He's not stupid he knows perfectly well you chose his town to be and get closer to him.

And my guess is he wasn't happy about it, he much preferred things remain "as is," w your seeing each other sporadically a few times a year.

This is most likely the reason why he has ghosted you, imo.

Just taking a slightly different approach—or, well, an extension of what Katrina is saying: I think you both liked each other more from afar, but in different ways.

When he was just the guy you met on a trip, the guy you saw a few times since, it was easy to imagine the two of you as a couple, to think of him a bit like a fantasy since you really hasn't spent consistent time with him. He represented something that you wanted: connection, attraction, perhaps even a change in where you were living.

All that is natural, even good. You moved, have a new job—exciting stuff! Bummer that the reality of him hasn't lined up with the fantasy, but that's okay. Just means it's time to enjoy what is real, and accept that this was more something you built up in your mind than with someone. To build this with someone is actually sharing feelings and talking, you know? Sounds like that's what you really want, and I bet there are lots of men in your new city who want it too.

Well, I'm almost sure that I would move there even if I had never met him. I had better opportunities in that city. I just was happy to know that he is also there.

Cool. As long as you had no expectations.

Time to focus on dating and meeting new people.

Well, I'm almost sure that I would move there even if I had never met him. I had better opportunities in that city. I just was happy to know that he is also there.

This is different from what you said a few posts ago, that the reason, or one of them, was because you were hoping to get closer to him..

But even assuming it wasn't, it's important to be aware of how he views it.

A woman he's had a casual thing with, who he only saw sporadically a few times year, suddenly and unexpectedly shows up in his town and announces she's taken a job and moved there permanently!

Probably freaked him out and rightfully so.

I'd be freaked out too if roles were reversed, and I only wanted casual, sporadic meet ups a few times a year.

It isn't so strange since I lived in very small town that is close to the big town(his town). Lots of people move from my town to his. He could know I might come someday. I would move there anyway, but I admit I had expectations.

It isn't so strange since I lived in very small town that is close to the big town(his town). Lots of people move from my town to his. He could know I might come someday. I would move there anyway, but I admit I had expectations.

Again important to be aware of how he viewed it.

I think at the very least you should have asked him how he felt about it, since at least one of the reasons was because you were hoping to get closer to him.

Based on his reaction, you might have chosen the other town and knew where you stood with him.

You were on two completely different pages.

Do you have attachment issues? You seem to have invested an awful lot, for someone who is not on the same page.

Thank you for opening my eyes a little bit. It is true that I've been acting ridiculous when I expected something. But I would never think we won't stay friends at least. The thing is, I need a lot of time to connect with someone. And I feel quite lonely in new city. I liked him and it was much easier to hope for something to happen with him, than to go through all the stages of meeting new people.

You would have to meet new people anyhow. You can't make your life about one person. That does not work, and is unhealthy.

Time to look into your interests and seeks out classes, clubs, Meet ups(not bars), volunteering, whatever,,,, Time to make your life more full and establish a social network. Make friends, then look for partners. No one wants to be with someone that is going to be dependent on them.

Thank you for opening my eyes a little bit. It is true that I've been acting ridiculous when I expected something. But I would never think we won't stay friends at least. The thing is, I need a lot of time to connect with someone. And I feel quite lonely in new city. I liked him and it was much easier to hope for something to happen with him, than to go through all the stages of meeting new people.

I can understand that, what I don't understand is, given how close you said you had become before your move, why would you not talk w him about it?

Give him the heads up you'd like to move there and why? Including possibly closing the gap between you. Gauge his response..

Did he not have a say in the matter?

It's almost like you made the decision for him, you moved, you had all these expectations about how things would go between you, of which HE knew nothing about.

Do you think that was fair to him?

I'm sorry I don't mean to give you a hard time, I know you're hurting, just giving you possibilities as to why he's backed off and essentially ghosted.