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Thread: Is my boyfriend gay? Is this something he can really “be done with”?

  1. #1

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    Is my boyfriend gay? Is this something he can really “be done with”?

    Okay soooo, I have known my current boyfriend for over 10 years. We have been the best of friends since we were 13. We have only been dating though for the last 9 months or so. But before that, he always had girlfriends as long as I have known him. He was in a serious relationship for 6 years. Dating a lot of girls before and after her, slept around a little etc. he has NEVER given off a single gay tendency to me, never seemed attracted to men, never showed a single sign. We got into a relationship last summer and moved in together. I went through his phone one night and there was a gay dating website on his browser history. He basically said that he went through some when he broke up with his ex (she was notorious for constantly cheating on him with his friends and ing him over, then getting back together stringing him along and then doing it again) he said he felt really low like no one wanted him. He wasn’t getting any attention from women, and just wanted the attention, he said he NEVER met up with anyone, never sent any pictures, never did anything physical, it was strictly messaging for some attention. I accepted that and we put it behind us because he said he was happy with me and doesn’t need that kind of attention anymore. Fast forward about 6 months or so. I go through his phone and find he posted an ad on a Craigslist sort of website to “suck ” he wanted to suck someone off. I also got into his email, and found old emails from before we were together, that he actually DID a meet up with a guy and give him a blowjob. They met up twice once in a parking lot and once at his house. He claims it was mutual oral and handjobs, no kissing and no sex but that he was so ashamed of it, that’s NOT who he is anymore, and the reason he posted the recent add while we were together is because he wanted to try and understand himself. He said every time he thinks about doing what he did, he gets depressed and down, and he wanted to try and understand what it was the he got off on with the messaging online, what did it make him feel like and why, why was he doing it and what satisfaction did he gain. He said so he posted, looking to do JUST some of the messaging no meetups nothing physical, so he could try and understand better, because it has been months since he had done any of it, including the messaging, but it came into his head the whole situation and he couldn’t shake it so he wanted to find some answers. He said he never had a single intention of cheating on me, he says he is NOT gay, he is NOT attracted to men at all and he’s disgusted by what he did. There were more meetups with other men, and long story short after everything I read and could get him to admit, he gave head to multiple guys multiple times for a few years in secret. All the while dating women and NO ONE knowing about this secret except for him and the people he did it with. My question is, is this someone any straight men go through? Is it possible to experiment with other guys for awhile simply for the adrenaline rush and then grow up of that “phase” and not be attracted to men whatsoever nor ever want to do anything physical with one again? He’s not homophobic, he doesn’t say mean things about gay men or women if we see any in public. He doesn’t know how exactly to explain WHY he did what he did so many times and for so long because he says he doesn’t understand it himself. He says that all he knows is he is a different man now, he likes himself more now in his adult life, and he is 100% only attracted to women and has no desire to touch a man again in his life. I just want to see anyone else’s opinion on the matter. How likely is it that he’s being honest with himself and me? How likely is it that he really won’t ever cheat on me, especially with a man? Is it possible to put something like that in your past and never go back to it?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's leading a double life whether he is bi, on the down low, etc. You are coming across this on his devices, he's not volunteering any info. Just acting "confused" when confronted and offering lame excuses such as that is how he deals with stress.

    This means you know a fraction of what is really happening. Move back home, end this and get to a clinic for STD testing including syphilis, hiv and hepatitis b and c.

    Protect yourself and educate yourself:[Register to see the link]

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Ashly, this situation may be more complex than you want to believe.

    In my opinion he may be bisexual, but only based on what you have written here. I am sorry, but your boyfriend is not straight.

    You have to be honest with yourself here, why where going through his phone to begin with, you didn't trust him before? I mean, he clearly cheated on you, but how long have you been snooping into his privacy?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I think it's typical for a lot of people who are struggling with the sexual identity exhibit some shame and disgust over it.

    Or at the very least some people tend to be overly defensive when caught doing something they shouldn't just to throw you off track.

    Your guy is at the very least bi and cheating on you.

    You seem to be looking the other way because he's got all these victim like excuses.
    You can't make this better and you are better off leaving now and getting yourself to the doctor for some tests.

    I have a coworker who's husband did similar things and though now divorced, she has a strain of high risk HPV for life.
    Well, she's an ex coworker. After months of depression and time off over this, she lost her job.

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  6. #5
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    Nope. Straight men do not do this. At the very least, he is bi, but seems to now favor the boys, or he would not take such risks.

    It does not matter if he is straight or gay, he has cheated multiple time and is a liar. he can never be trusted.

    I hope that you always used protection. This dude gets around.

    You do not put this in the past, as it has only escalated. Unfortunately, you have never been able to trust him, and have only discovered this through your sleuthing. A relationship should not include going into people's phones and emails. You would be foolish to continue with him.

    He will cheat on you, again and again, End this.

  7. #6
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    He’s in denial about who he really is. He’s attracted to both men and women, but he’s ashamed of the former and was hoping you wouldn’t find out.

    This does not necessarily mean he will cheat on you, but you need to ask yourself if you are comfortable dating a man who is indeed sexually attracted to other men.

    And I do not buy his excuses about him only being lonely. When was the last time you were so bummed about men that you had sex with a woman? It’s a shame that he feels he has to hide this side of himself but it does mean he’s attracted to men on at least some level.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What everyone else is saying.

    Here's the truest statement you can make right now: you have NO idea what's going on with him and his sexuality, because he barely has an idea of what's going on.

    What you do know, but don't quite want to admit, is that you're not in a relationship that is functioning as it should. You wouldn't be snooping through his stuff if you felt confident and secure, plain and simple.

    What you found, meanwhile? It's irrefutable proof that he is continuing to explore his attraction to men, and is doing so on the side. In a sentence: He is cheating on you.

    This is his knot to untangle, and it's a complex one. I understand you have feelings for him, but, believe me, to try to "be there" as he explores this is going to get you all kinds of twisted up yourself. It also, as others have said, is going to put your health at risk. Those are hard facts, as real as the earth being round, no way to think or feel them into a softer shape.

    You can have all the compassion for him in the world. What he's going through is hard, as there is nothing harder than learning and accepting who we are, getting past shame and guilt and self-loathing. But for your own sake, that compassion should be felt from afar, and should not negate your compassion for yourself.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Please, he's full of it. Whether straight, bi, gay, reptillian, or ferroan, he's a liar and cheat.

    Why have you allowed him to convince you the issue is his sexual orientation and not his lying and cheating? Put bluntly, are you easily talked out of standing by your morals because you conveniently dispose of them when you decide to act on your suspicions by invading someone's privacy?

    Seriously, when people are uncomfortable enough to go and dig through personal stuff to find evidence, why don't they just say this bugs me we settle this or end it, why is the default decision to snoop through personal stuff?!

    Anyhow, at least you found what you did, and had him prove in person and in words what a waste of time he is. It's quite incredible you give any consideration to his cry about "trying to understand himself". Obviously, when one needs to do some soul searching, they go blow a few dudes!! How did you even keep a straight face?!

    Look, this guy is compulsively lying, dilligently trying to find himself in someone's crotch, compulsively having to engage in sexual pursuits that allow him to feel ashamed-'that is if you can believe he's sick in this particular way and not lying as he habitually does. Worst case scenario he is a deliberate lying cheater who mocks your intelligence, best case scenario he has enough trouble with his sexuality and an actual hard core compulsion he needs to take a good look at not inside anyone's pants but in intense, ongoing therapy. my guess is both.

    Up to you if you want to stick around as he continues to look for himself, and playing spy games to determine if he's still looking for himself in this way.

    I don't get the concern for his poor sexually confused self. He's been completely unconcerned with you. I literally see no reason for anyone to behave like this with their partner because they're unsure of their sexuality.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    Please, he's full of it. Whether straight, bi, gay, reptillian, or ferroan, he's a liar and cheat.

    Why have you allowed him to convince you the issue is his sexual orientation and not his lying and cheating? Put bluntly, are you easily talked out of standing by your morals because you conveniently dispose of them when you decide to act on your suspicions by invading someone's privacy?

    Seriously, when people are uncomfortable enough to go and dig through personal stuff to find evidence, why don't they just say this bugs me we settle this or end it, why is the default decision to snoop through personal stuff?!

    Anyhow, at least you found what you did, and had him prove in person and in words what a waste of time he is. It's quite incredible you give any consideration to his cry about "trying to understand himself". Obviously, when one needs to do some soul searching, they go blow a few dudes!! How did you even keep a straight face?!

    Look, this guy is compulsively lying, dilligently trying to find himself in someone's crotch, compulsively having to engage in sexual pursuits that allow him to feel ashamed-'that is if you can believe he's sick in this particular way and not lying as he habitually does. Worst case scenario he is a deliberate lying cheater who mocks your intelligence, best case scenario he has enough trouble with his sexuality and an actual hard core compulsion he needs to take a good look at not inside anyone's pants but in intense, ongoing therapy. my guess is both.

    Up to you if you want to stick around as he continues to look for himself, and playing spy games to determine if he's still looking for himself in this way.

    I don't get the concern for his poor sexually confused self. He's been completely unconcerned with you. I literally see no reason for anyone to behave like this with their partner because they're unsure of their sexuality.
    Yes! I cannot believe anyone would believe the nonsense coming out of the cheating bf's mouth.

    OP, why do you value yourself so little?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj

    OP, why do you value yourself so little?
    often, this is the only question that could be adressed for the discussion to amount to anything really useful beyond "maybe it's best to part ways/ seek therapy/ learn how to communicate"

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