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Thread: Is my boyfriend gay? Is this something he can really “be done with”?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, it's very unlikely that he won't cheat again. He is in the closet and it sounds like he has plenty of repressed feelings towards men. He will most likely keep lying and cheating for as long as you allow it. Imo, it would be in your best interest to break up and move on. At this point you are making informed choices.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    And if he'd gone onto a titty sucking website looking for a spare pair of DDs, would that be any better? I don't get why it's relevant whether he wants to stuff his head into the crotch of a man vs. another woman. Bottom line is he's demonstrated he's willing to go on sexual pursuits outside of your relationship. Take it or leave it. I know what I'd do.

    And stop digging through months / years of his emails. It's ****ing creepy.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    he says he is NOT gay, he is NOT attracted to men at all and he’s disgusted by what he did
    He is gay. Or at the very least bi.

    There were more meetups with other men, and long story short after everything I read and could get him to admit, he gave head to multiple guys multiple times for a few years in secret. All the while dating women and NO ONE knowing about this secret except for him and the people he did it with. My question is, is this someone any straight men go through? Is it possible to experiment with other guys for awhile simply for the adrenaline rush and then grow up of that “phase” and not be attracted to men whatsoever nor ever want to do anything physical with one again
    This is not something that a straight man would go through. Men don't experiment with other men unless they are attracted to them. He is terrified at coming out of the closet... as gay or bi or "other"... this is a process many gay men go through while coming to terms with their sexual preferences.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    And if he'd gone onto a titty sucking website looking for a spare pair of DDs, would that be any better? I don't get why it's relevant whether he wants to stuff his head into the crotch of a man vs. another woman. Bottom line is he's demonstrated he's willing to go on sexual pursuits outside of your relationship. Take it or leave it. I know what I'd do.

    And stop digging through months / years of his emails. It's ****ing creepy.
    Yep, this is as plain as it gets. If you want monogamy, analyzing this guy is a waste of your time.

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  6. #15

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    Well this sounds similar to my younger days. I knew since I was about 16 that I'm Bi. In fact my first sexual partner was another kid my age that lived a couple blocks away from me. And though I never ran around behind anyones back, and I would LIKE to say that it's because I'm so vehemently against cheating, I have no way of knowing if that is actually true. I am monogamous, for sure, but I'm not exactly a casa Nova, so the opportunity never presented itself to test my mettle. He and I grew apart and moved on after about a year of this.

    Fast forward a couple years and finally I have a girlfriend. And I do greatly prefer women over men, but the past relationship is something I wish I would have told her at the start. But I was still young, raised in a very fundamentalist Christian house and was growing up in poway California. And back in the late 80's through the 90's that town and a lot of the surrounding towns was good ol Nazi skinhead territory. One of my closest friends growing up was Mexican. So I already didn't get along with the locals. Sure learned how how to scrap though. Wish I'd learned to be honest about things like potential deal breakers too. But it was the first and last time I made that mistake. She found out one night while we were taking some ecstacy and I apparently had blurted it out that I had sex with another guy. While we were still rolling she was perfectly fine about it. Next morning though, through the e hangover, she recalled me saying that and asked if it were true. I said yes and that instantly ended it right there. And I was left single again, with a black eye and some deep scratches on my face and the dread my secret was out. And yes, my fears came to life. Physical altercations didn't increase as I was already regularly engaged in those, just new choice words to go with it. That time of my life made me much stronger than I would have been though. And I know I'm getting off topic, but if someone calls me a , I can look at them smugly and tell them unless they're a bunch of skins in steel toes, you better put a Mr. in front of that.

    Back to the topic now, sorry. So I did resolve from the end of that relationship anyone I started seeing I would inform them before we started any intimacy. Better they know at the start and it ends then, than find out down the road and you're left with heartache more painful than just being alone. I can completely understand the maddening need to not be lonely, as it is agonizing, but at the same time human beings by nature are selfish, inconsiderate s. So yeah, your bifriend is a total for not telling you from the start, especially if you've been friends since childhood, but I also get where he's coming from.

    That said, this is something you both can take a positive outlook from. And it sucks to say, but him more than you. It's a learning experience neither of you are likely to forget. For you, you now have the pain to endure, which actually is good. Because now you know what to expect if and when something that heartbreaking happens again and you'll be able to steel yourself against it better. You also know some tell-tale signs to look out for. I'm willing to bet most of the previous girlfriends were rather attractive and abundant in number. That's usually a smoke screen. If he's chatting online with other guys on hook-up sites. There's no doubt he's looking. A guys porn stash is not reliable though. I like , but you will not find anything approaching gay porn in my movies. I only like guy on girl, and some guys can be straight as an arrow, but have an occasional curiosity to watch or jerk off to and never go beyondbthat. And keep in mind, our species is a bunch of stupid frisky critters. We all use each other as masturbation machines, especially those of us who allow ourselves to be controlled not only by societal constraints and expectations, but our own libidos as well. That said, as a male part of the species, we will lie, obfuscate, or manipulate to acheive the directives of our basest instincts. Women do it too, and their methods and goals are different, but as I'm not a woman, I can't speak from their outlooks.

    Your friend, if he's intelligent enough to learn from this, now knows that hiding something like that from the start can ruin a long standing friendship and love life. If he's honest at the start with any future love interests, he may have far fewer relationships, but he could have far better ones. And I gotta say that being with a woman who knows you're Bi and is into the concept can lead to an excellent sex life. Unless he's actually a sociopath and is incapable of feeling empathy, he potentially will have a happier life than he would hiding.

    I told my current girlfriend I'm Bi on our second date because I knew before we met she could be the one. She was a bit dubious at first as she is what's known as a fruit fly. Lots of gay guy friends. She also knows by proxy how promiscuous and careless with protection we can be. But so do I. I have had sex with quite a few other men in my past. Then I moved to portland. And my first job I could get my hands on was a porn shop. And I have seen things so horrifyingly eye opening, my rules of engagement became so strict and unwavering, that I gave up even looking a long time ago. Cuz what I want doesn't exist. But that is to say, you can't cure someone of their desires. They can be turned off to them, or at least made more cautious, but they're always gonna be there.

    Sorry I'm a bit long-winded.

  7. #16
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    Get tested for STDs NOW. And dump him. Let him go through self discovery on his own - and leave you out of it

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