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Thread: Advice Needed: Is this fair?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Advice Needed: Is this fair?

    Hey everyone,

    It's been too long. I am a little emotionally exhausted, so I am going to spare the details of every 'red-flag' and issue from my past.

    Basically, I am having doubts about my currently relationship of just shy of 6 months. While these doubts stem in part from my own relationship issues (which I am sincerely and dilligently working on), there is a real possibility that there are serious compatibility issues as well. I have deep and genuine feelings for her, and I can imagine and want a life with her, but not if that future is a projection of the present relationship. From my perspective, there has been a downward slide for around 6 weeks. Essentially, as I sit here tonight I am unsure whether to continue the relationship and work on it, or end the relationship.

    Here's the catch; I have plans to meet her family tomorrow. She is extremely close to her family, and I know this is important to her. I don't want to cause her any unnecessary pain, and I feel that if I meet her parents and subsequently break off the relationship this is unfair. However, I think deep down I don't want to give up yet. I am also aware that there is no small amount of anxiety on my part (I have had anxiety issues in the past; largely under control now), which makes me concerned that I may not be making the healthiest or wisest decision in any case.

    I don't know, like I said this has exhausted me over the last 4 days (there was an incident which basically acted as the proverbial straw on the relationships back). Am I a complete POS if I just go and meet the family, even if in a week or two I end up deciding to end it... Any input welcome.

    Thank you in advance,

    T

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Meeting her family may help you decide whether to go further or not. It's fine a 6 mos to assess and reflect. It's also fine if combined with some doubts and some reflection you decide to end it before or after meeting her family.

    There is never a "good" time to end things. Take a wait and see approach. If things don't improve, you can end it when you have a clearer more decisive feeling about it.
    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    I am having doubts about my currently relationship of just shy of 6 months. Am I a complete POS if I just go and meet the family, even if in a week or two I end up deciding to end it.

  3. #3
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    Yes, it's ok. I've been on both sides of this. The first 6 months is often a make or break time and you are meeting her family. I probably wouldn't invite her to meet yours, or meet them again, until you know where you stand.

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    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    Hey everyone,

    It's been too long. I am a little emotionally exhausted, so I am going to spare the details of every 'red-flag' and issue from my past.

    Basically, I am having doubts about my currently relationship of just shy of 6 months. While these doubts stem in part from my own relationship issues (which I am sincerely and dilligently working on), there is a real possibility that there are serious compatibility issues as well. I have deep and genuine feelings for her, and I can imagine and want a life with her, but not if that future is a projection of the present relationship. From my perspective, there has been a downward slide for around 6 weeks. Essentially, as I sit here tonight I am unsure whether to continue the relationship and work on it, or end the relationship.

    Here's the catch; I have plans to meet her family tomorrow. She is extremely close to her family, and I know this is important to her. I don't want to cause her any unnecessary pain, and I feel that if I meet her parents and subsequently break off the relationship this is unfair. However, I think deep down I don't want to give up yet. I am also aware that there is no small amount of anxiety on my part (I have had anxiety issues in the past; largely under control now), which makes me concerned that I may not be making the healthiest or wisest decision in any case.

    I don't know, like I said this has exhausted me over the last 4 days (there was an incident which basically acted as the proverbial straw on the relationships back). Am I a complete POS if I just go and meet the family, even if in a week or two I end up deciding to end it... Any input welcome.

    Thank you in advance,

    T
    What compatibility issues are there? Do they stem from your insecurities, a growing pain or is it something that is a dealbreaker? Are you anxious when someone gets too close.
    Honestly, i would not meet her parents if you are thinking of breaking up with her. Rather, i would talk to her about the incident you describe and see if it can be worked out. if it cannot, i would break off the relationship or postpone the visit with her parents.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What compatibility issues are there? Do they stem from your insecurities, a growing pain or is it something that is a dealbreaker? Are you anxious when someone gets too close?
    Hey abitbroken,

    The primary compatibility issues are:

    A. Emotional
    • I am more expressive emotionally and demonstrate affection frequently (both through actions and words), while she does not express her feelings as easily.
    • I make most of the effort to plan and execute time together, as well as bare the primary burden. This issue has been exacerbated recently by circumstance, which I will outline below.


    B. Physical
    • She prefers to schedule sexual intimacy for the end of the night, after everything is done and we are in bed, while I sometimes want to be spontaneous with each other. I am also the primary intitator (90%).
    • She prefers penetrative sex with minimal foreplay, while I prefer slightly longer foreplay (I am not going into detail, but this foreplay is centered on her primarily).
    • She prefers slightly rougher, dominant sex to me.
    • She claims to not be capable of orgasm with a partner, including through foreplay. I feel this may be an intimacy issue on her side, as she seems resigned to this and almost resistant to the possibility of me being able to get her there (see above).


    EDIT: Upon rereading this, I want to add that these issues/discrepancies are on the minor side; i.e. though we are different in these ways they are not huge gaps.

    C. Circumstances

    I will attempt to outline the circumstances briefly. We live around 30 minutes apart, and usually I will travel to her apartment and stay there one night a week and weekends, as she starts work earlier than I do. However, her parents have recently had some acute health issues, and she has been travelling to her hometown every weekend to help them out. This has meant we only have only been free to see each other weeknights. I absolutely support this, and I like how commited to family she is, as well as her caring personality. However, of course, I have missed spending quality time with her and only being able to see her at nights (often from 9pm) has somewhat exacerbated the issues above. It is also tiring for me, as I work later shifts than her, and when I stay during the week I have to wake up earlier and drive back to mine. Plus I help her with housework etc when I stay, while I still have to do all of my own, meaning increased workload.

    Two weeks ago when I was visiting on Thursday, I told her I wanted to see her two times (Tues and Thurs) the following week (last week). I also explained that this was partly because she would be staying at her parents this week, so our time together would not exactly be focussed on each other. She seemed excited and happy about this plan. However, on Monday she went out drinking with work colleagues, which meant she was pretty wrecked on Tuesday night. I actually brought her flowers and did all her housework and basically looked after her, because I know she has been stressed and tired and wanted to show my support. Plus, I thought we had Thursday night to be more fun and couple-esque. We made plans to go out on Thursday to see a movie, or failing that play some pool and have dinner. However, on Thursday night when I was on the way to her house to pick her up, she messaged me and said she had forgot to pack for her week away at her parents, so she wanted to do that and we could just hang out at hers (which basically meant me sitting around for 2 hours while she packed, because I can't really help with this) and then going through the usual routine of cleaning etc then bed. Basically, I told her I was not coming in that case. I am glad I stood up for myself as I feel she has taken me for granted, however it has started the ball rolling on my current considerations.

    D. My Issues

    This is already long, so I will just say that many of these incompatibilities are absolutely related to my insecurities; primarily, my low self-esteem and desire/need for reassurance that my partner is interested and excited to be with me. Also, my previous relationship (5 years) involved me doing essentially all the work and getting less and less back so I am sensitive to that issue. Addressing your other question, I am not particularly anxious surrounding intimacy or commitment. However, trying to be as objective as possible, I also feel these issues are partly on her as well.

    Finally, this definitely is partly circumstancial, as prior to the issues with her parents (i.e. when we had weekends together), we were great and I was much happier. This parent issue should be resolved soon (by next weekend) which may alleviate the issue, however I am not 100% convinced that I am a priority or important, which may be an issue later down the track.

    Anyway, its just my side and a bit abridged here, but I hope that helps flesh out my issue. As always, thanks for your (and everyones) input and advice, I really do value it and take it on board. At this stage I have decided to go and meet the parents, and really make a go of it moving forward. I don't know if it will work out, but we have enough great times in the last 6 months and I really do love so much about her that its worth the risk.

    Thanks again,

    T

  7. #6
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    Ok

    1) many women can't have an oragsm. it has nothing to do with you. And has little to do with emotionally intimacy. If she never wants to kiss you and only wants penetration - then that has to do with intimacy. Strike that from the list
    2) being over there while she is packing - you can just have a nice conversation. you don't have to "do" anything
    3) stop going over to clean her house. Instead, meet her for dinner or bring dinner over even if that means you leave early for her to clean her place or you come later. Yes, you should clean up your messes while you are there -- clean the sink if you get toothpaste on it, clean up your plate, but you should not be doing regular housework.
    4) meeting her parents may be a gateway to spending more time with her - you could go meet her for dinner near her parents house, etc, or might be invited to dinner over with her.
    5) i feel sponteous sex prevents me from getting stuff done. Unlike a man, women can't just wipe and then jump back into their pants and then get about their day -- not washing can lead to a UTI. she obviously has a lot on her mind if her parents are ill.

    So you have to decide here what is non-negotiable and what's negotiable. and #1 if you fault her for, you are a jerk....


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