Nearly 3 years since being here!

Hi there, nearly 3 years since posting here! Good and a bad thing perhaps, but mainly good

Background to myself

• I was going out with a girl a couple of years and I broke up with her in November 2015,
  
• subsequently realised I had made a mistake and we spent a couple of weeks having back and forths,
  
• there was just very little or no communication at this point,
  
• I think in May of 2016 she had finished exams for a course she was doing and her birthday was coming up so I wrote her a letter and sent her a small gift package, I remember I had taken it very hard and really missed her, which I communicated in this letter
  
• I remember for the final months in the relationship I was so unhappy and I attributed a lot of that to the relationship and thought because I felt like that things just werent working.. She was so supportive and great though.
  
• In hindsight I realise it was issues I had with myself and deeper things with my life that caused that feeling of unhappiness and a feeling of being so sorry for myself all the time.. I look at myself then and feel so angry and frustrated and keep wondering 'why I felt like that' and 'why I couldnt lift myself out of it'. I made a complete mess of things; I saw problems where there weren't any, I withdrew into myself and I seemed so full of self-pity and had this desire to just be by myself.
  

Anyway, after this letter I sent in May I made every mistake I could have I was surprised by her response (pleasantly) and it seemed like things were going well, then I just came on so heavy.. I begged and apologised, to which I was rebuffed and then begged some more and was then asked politely but clearly not to contact her again. That was the first time she had asked that. And so I didnt; I deleted her number and I didnt even look at her Facebook page since that moment. 2016 was a very dark year for me; I had been through bad break ups before with people I had dated longer, but this just hit me so hard for some reason, I know now a lot of it was shame and anger at myself for how cold and distant I became with someone I loved and who I knew loved me. I tried jumping straight into new relationships and that made things worse. I hated being alone, was having anxiety attacks, everything just seemed so bleak and miserable. Finally took a step back, tried to understand why I fell into this ty spiral of self-pity and being so self-centred; I changed into a very hard, introverted and very cold person, and so many people told me that at the time but it was strange; I still felt 'normal' but I was anything but. Something I know I had trouble with at that point was I moved home to my parents very suddenly in late 2014/early 2015 for what was meant to be a brief period but ended up being a very long time, and I didnt have a great relationship with my family for a myriad of reasons stemming back to my earliest living memories.. It was just so difficult and I handled it terribly.

Fast forward to today and I feel like Im the back to being myself and despite the , part of me feels stronger having gone through the healing process (I had to face up to things about myself, my relationship with my parents and siblings and things in my past..); spoke to people (friends and professionals), I was prescribed anti-anxiety/depressants that I never wouldve been open to before but they helped and finished with them, filled my life with new experiences instead of a new romantic relationships; had some amazing holidays, got much closer with my best friends, completely redefined my relationships with my family and 'made peace' there, work got better and made nice progress career wise there and eventually I dated again and this time I enjoyed it and it felt 'right' or 'ok', and I got close to people again and I took so many learnings from that period of my life and the mistakes I made in that relationship

So, why am I posting here again after so long..... :)

• Ive been dating a girl for the past year and its fantastic; shes beautiful, kind, has a great sense of humour, ambitious.. my friends and parents love her, I love her, we have loads in common, have had great experiences together already and we're actually living together now (this came about because of circumstances in her life, so was a bit premature maybe, but it works and feels right)
  
• However, I still think of my ex and thats making me feel so unhappy.
  
• Whats compounding this for me is that in the past couple of months while out and about Ive bumped into two ex's of mine, both of whom I was very close to and one I had dated for 3 years and was very serious with. On both occasions we made polite small talk, but it was fine; no awkwardness, no after thoughts, no desire to contact them. The encounters didnt even really register with me beyond a "I bumped into X earlier, pleasant chat, seems to be doing well", if that makes sense?
  
• However my feelings towards my ex havent gone or they arent at that level like with these two ex's I mention. This is what worries me; its been so long, I (believe) Ive addressed what I had to deal with and Im in a relationship with a person I love and feel so lucky to have met now, but I still miss my ex and I miss talking to her. I know any reopening of communication would at best be met with indifference on her end and on my end at best wouldnt hurt or confuse me. And she asked me not to contact her again and after the mess I was when last we spoke I couldnt.
  

As mentioned, I know Im still angry and ashamed of how I ended things and the aftermath, but thats irrelevant to her; she doesnt care about it and I apologised for it unreservedly. Then I know (and again this is what worries me and makes me feel low) that I did love her and I saw a future with her, that I made a huge mistake and I have this belief in me that this isnt how things are meant to be; I shouldnt have ended things, I shouldnt have been as I was.. I hate that the parting memories of things was me as a complete who was cold and withdrawn and then pathetic and begging.. I think thats why Im able to handle the meeting with my ex above better; I felt I ended those relationships well I guess. I watched a show recently where there was a man in his 60's I think and he had an ex he had never got past, even though he had married and had children, he said he never stopped thinking about his ex, even though he loved his family. And I spoken about this with some people in my life who I can trust and their counsel didnt help me; warned me that this is something I could always regret and the fact I still feel like this for my ex after so much time and experiences have passed since could means maybe I will always believe she was the one for me.

Ive been stressed and feeling down about this again now, and weirdly, I feel very alone and isolated now even though I have great friendships, I love my girlfriend, my relationship with my family is better than even and my work is going great..... I cant shake this feeling of missing my ex.

Will I just carry these feelings forever, is this something I have to just live with and accept? How do I get past this, why do I still miss her? Ive been through the ends of long and serious relationships before, but while these feelings to my ex have definitely subsided, they are still there and they feel unresolved or that they just wont fade anymore

Thanks

PS Im sorry for the length of the post, when I started typing it just felt like an amazing relief.

Hi. Welcome back.

Are you sure that you actually are still in love with exes, or do you regret not getting the last word or it not ending on your terms?

I think, again, that it'll come down to pure choice. You'll always "feel" something in this or that direction. Fancy someone hot at work, have reallye good conversations with people you meet, missing your ex etc etc. It'll never stop, we keep feeling this and that thorughout our lifes. Sometimes there are good enough reasons for that, somtimes not.

My advice would be to really sit down and ask yourself what your current relationship is worth to you. And act based on that. Who's to say that if you got together with your ex, that you wouldn't miss your current gf? BUT, if these feelings keep eating you up inside, you have to do something because it's not fair to your current gf, or to you. The big question, though, might be what do you need to do get closure? It seems like your ex has moved on.

Is it the fact that your ex is indifferent to your apology?

Is it the fact that the ex is indifferen - the chase you know, the thing you didn't get?

Is it a need to show her that you actually have changed?

It could be a million litle things, and only you know the answers. Good luck figuring things out!

This is such a heartbreaking post - I feel like a lot of us have been there and could have written the same words

My advice...(coming from someone who went from being so happy with life pre-gf and with-gf to suicidal thoughts just to be free of the pain and second guessing)...is to keep working on yourself. Take a break from love...do all the normal crap you read...but really force yourself to remember a few things:

1 - Be kind to yourself. You can't really love someone else when you are still not loving you properly by beating yourself up. By doing that, you are robbing yourself of happiness in life.

2 - Force yourself to remember the bad things in the relationship. Sure, we can all remember the good...but I can promise I know there were some bad things in that relationship that she did to push you away. It really does take two. She could have done more on her end too. We don't know these things without learning through losing great things.

3 - Like it or not, you are a better version of yourself now. You have wisdom you can pass on to new gf's.

4 - When you connect with someone special, you WILL forget about her.

*hugs*

Cinder

Hi, I just wanted to chime in here and say I totally understand how you are feeling.

I am in a very similar situation - my ex broke up with me about 2 1/2 years ago. I deleted her off Facebook, Instagram, all that and have had zero contact with her since.

I went through all the recovery steps, dated, worked on myself and can say I have grown so much since the break up.

I have been in an amazing relationship for the past year and absolutely love my girl friend and what we have.

But a part of me still wonders about my ex. Just a lingering thought. To me, I thought I was going to marry this girl. So when she left she absolutely broke me. I had never been through a break up like that before.

You cant just forget about people that touch your heart in that way. As hard as it is to say, I think it was for the best (looking back) because I wouldn’t be who I am today if the break up didn’t happen. It was honestly a turning point on my life.

It’s hard to let true love go, and in my eyes I don’t think you ever really do. That love will always remain even if it fades away but never to be forgotten.

I have the same thoughts as you, in the back of my mind wondering if I will ever get over these lingering wondering moments.

Then I just try to remember as time passes these thoughts WILL fade away and become less and less.

From week 1 after my break up I felt like I was going crazy because she was literally the only thing I could think about and everything reminded me of my ex - fast forward to today and she is literally just a thought blip in my mind. I trust that as time continues, the fading will continue.

I think what helps me is always reminding myself of “what’s meant to be, will always find its way” as cheesy as that sounds.

When I think of that quote I take a step back and look at all the good things I have in life and in my current relationship and know that this where I am suppose to be, in a loving relationship and happy.

Best of luck to you and I hope I helped in someway!

just came to say that I relate to this post in so many ways. loving someone like this is beautiful. its painful to know that feeling and not be able to have it again. I suppose there's beauty in that, as well.

from time to time ill just choose to love her as if she were still here. I imagine myself embracing her and send her my love from afar. it seems to be more peaceful and natural than trying to block thoughts and feelings. There is really no beauty in that. the feelings are there and there is no point in suppressing them. they will find a way to pop up.

I dont really have any advice for you. just know that you aren't alone