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Thread: I don't know if this is normal in a long distance relationship! Please help!

  1. #1
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    I don't know if this is normal in a long distance relationship! Please help!

    My boyfriend (23) and I (20) have been talking long distance since late December 2018 and we started officially being together a little over 2 months ago. I was not looking for a relationship when he tried to start talking to me, but here we are, now dating. I find myself feeling so insecure about myself in our relationship. I always find myself comparing myself to his ex, and being envious of her because they were able to physically be together consistently and make memories, and knowing me and him can't do that. He also has so many platonic female friends where he is and I mentally just imagine him choosing to be with them instead of me, even if only to talk to or just generally be with. I find myself crying so often because of how overwhelmed I am by the feeling of missing him, and my added insecurity. We FaceTime but I know myself enough to know that what we are currently doing is not enough for me. I hate the feeling that I miss him more than he misses me, because he does not vocalize how hard it is for him. However, I know that I am finding it extremely difficult to maintain my composure. I miss him all the time and look forward to FaceTiming him but when we talk, it is as if I want/need it more than he does, which feels terrible. I feel like this is because I know that I need more reassurance of our relationship than what I am getting, and I do not know what to do. I know he loves me, he said the big 3 words first, he just does not feel the need to make it extremely obvious all the time. This makes sense to me, because I know I am just needier than some. I have been advised to break up with him because of how I am being impacted by this, which I do see why people would say, but I just cry at even the thought of us breaking up. He has not done any breakup-worthy stuff, I just think I am sensitive. Moral of the story, I need to stop crying so much, do you have any advice on what I should do?

  2. #2
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    Why are you involved with someone that you can't be with physically. That is not dating. I don't get it. Why is this enough for you?

    Have you net?

  3. #3
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    I'm posting this under the assumption you have never met in person, since you did not mention ever meeting him in person.

    In any event, I understand the feelings, but agree with Holly.

    How can this be dating when you've never been on a date?

    Or do you have internet dates, if so what do those entail?

    Having dinner together, watching a movie together, having a glass of wine together -- over the Internet?

    Do you have sex over the internet? While FaceTime or skyping?

    I am curious why you or anyone would choose to be in a "relationship" with someone they can't ever touch or feel, make love with in the flesh.

    Spend time together w in person, laughing, crying, teasing, play fighting.

    Making memories together. Sharing life together!

    Do you really think your "bf" is abstaining from having real life sex while in this relationship w you?

    Don't care what he's telling you, what does you gut/intuition tell you?

    Of course you're insecure, I would be too!

    Which is why I'd never choose this for myself.

    My advice? Wish him well, say goodbye and date local guys.

    It's only a matter of time before he will, after he meets a local girl and enters into a real life relationship w her.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-28-2019 at 11:12 PM.

  4. #4
    Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    So true...

    If you have never met, you really can't call it a relationship.

    Does he Really know you? Do you REALLY know him? I have to agree with Holly here...

    His pictures/skyping perhaps are not be a true representation of his physical appearance (nor yours)... not that that is the most important thing, but physical attraction is a real thing.

    Look into each other's eyes... hold hands across the table.... feel the warmth of his touch... hear his voice in person - then you are dating.

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    We've met a couple of times and hes stayed over at my place for days at a time. We've had some dates during those times, and we literally FaceTime multiple times a day, as we have been doing since January. We've had sex multiple times and we also do that FaceTime sex thing at least once a week. He is only states away, but we just have no real way to see each other as often as we would like. He always has to come see me because I don't have a car and he uses his sister's car, he is working towards getting one in the summer. The next time I can think of possibly being able to see him would be in August or September, which absolutely breaks my heart. I have gotten to know him well and he has gotten to know me well. I just hate the feeling of not being able to do anything in this situation to see him more. I know that it will probably eventually get easier but right now, it is just overwhelming. I have never done long distance before so this is all very new to me. I should have been clearer earlier, that's my bad!

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    Ok thanks for clarifying.

    Curious why you failed to mention this in your first post though, it would have been helpful.

    My advice still stands about everything else.

    Best of luck.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-28-2019 at 11:20 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    LDRs aren't a normal pace of dating. You end up with long days together at the beginning instead of the gradual pace in a local relationship. If one of you wound up moving to the other's state, the person moving has to give up being around their friends and family, and possibly leave a good career. Those are some major issues to deal with, often affecting the stability of the relationship.

    If you're not comfortable with a guy having a lot of platonic female friends, why are you subjecting yourself to this? There are guys who stick to guy friends, so if you're more comfortable with that, go for that kind of guy. It doesn't mean that anybody is right or wrong here, or unethical, it just means you're comfortable with a particular lifestyle that doesn't include a man with a harem.

  9. #8
    Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Ok thanks for clarifying.

    Curious why you failed to mention this in your first post though, it would have been helpful.

    My advice still stands about everything else.

    Best of luck.
    Yes, I wouldn't have said what I did had I known!

  10. #9
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    Andrina made good points but also to add, you have only spent a very brief time together; your relationship did not have a chance to establish the necesssry foundation to sustain not seeing each other for months and months on end.

    You're very anxious, insecure, unhappy.

    How long do you think you can sustain those feelings without breaking?

    He on the other hand appears to have a full life, and fine with the situation according to your first post.

    So there is an unbalance there which doesn't not bode well for long term survival, or even short term imo.

    I just don't see this ending well for you at all, I'm sorry.

  11. #10
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    On average, how many days do you spend together in a year?

    " The next time I can think of possibly being able to see him would be in August or September," This is not sustaining. This is only going to become more frustrating and painful. I would strongly consider finding someone local. You can't have a relationship with someone you see a couple of times a year.

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