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I don't know if this is normal in a long distance relationship! Please help!


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My boyfriend (23) and I (20) have been talking long distance since late December 2018 and we started officially being together a little over 2 months ago. I was not looking for a relationship when he tried to start talking to me, but here we are, now dating. I find myself feeling so insecure about myself in our relationship. I always find myself comparing myself to his ex, and being envious of her because they were able to physically be together consistently and make memories, and knowing me and him can't do that. He also has so many platonic female friends where he is and I mentally just imagine him choosing to be with them instead of me, even if only to talk to or just generally be with. I find myself crying so often because of how overwhelmed I am by the feeling of missing him, and my added insecurity. We FaceTime but I know myself enough to know that what we are currently doing is not enough for me. I hate the feeling that I miss him more than he misses me, because he does not vocalize how hard it is for him. However, I know that I am finding it extremely difficult to maintain my composure. I miss him all the time and look forward to FaceTiming him but when we talk, it is as if I want/need it more than he does, which feels terrible. I feel like this is because I know that I need more reassurance of our relationship than what I am getting, and I do not know what to do. I know he loves me, he said the big 3 words first, he just does not feel the need to make it extremely obvious all the time. This makes sense to me, because I know I am just needier than some. I have been advised to break up with him because of how I am being impacted by this, which I do see why people would say, but I just cry at even the thought of us breaking up. He has not done any breakup-worthy stuff, I just think I am sensitive. Moral of the story, I need to stop crying so much, do you have any advice on what I should do?

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I'm posting this under the assumption you have never met in person, since you did not mention ever meeting him in person.

 

In any event, I understand the feelings, but agree with Holly.

 

How can this be dating when you've never been on a date?

 

Or do you have internet dates, if so what do those entail?

 

Having dinner together, watching a movie together, having a glass of wine together -- over the Internet?

 

Do you have sex over the internet? While FaceTime or skyping?

 

I am curious why you or anyone would choose to be in a "relationship" with someone they can't ever touch or feel, make love with in the flesh.

 

Spend time together w in person, laughing, crying, teasing, play fighting.

 

Making memories together. Sharing life together!

 

Do you really think your "bf" is abstaining from having real life sex while in this relationship w you?

 

Don't care what he's telling you, what does you gut/intuition tell you?

 

Of course you're insecure, I would be too!

 

Which is why I'd never choose this for myself.

 

My advice? Wish him well, say goodbye and date local guys.

 

It's only a matter of time before he will, after he meets a local girl and enters into a real life relationship w her.

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So true...

 

If you have never met, you really can't call it a relationship.

 

Does he Really know you? Do you REALLY know him? I have to agree with Holly here...

 

His pictures/skyping perhaps are not be a true representation of his physical appearance (nor yours)... not that that is the most important thing, but physical attraction is a real thing.

 

Look into each other's eyes... hold hands across the table.... feel the warmth of his touch... hear his voice in person - then you are dating.

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We've met a couple of times and hes stayed over at my place for days at a time. We've had some dates during those times, and we literally FaceTime multiple times a day, as we have been doing since January. We've had sex multiple times and we also do that FaceTime sex thing at least once a week. He is only states away, but we just have no real way to see each other as often as we would like. He always has to come see me because I don't have a car and he uses his sister's car, he is working towards getting one in the summer. The next time I can think of possibly being able to see him would be in August or September, which absolutely breaks my heart. I have gotten to know him well and he has gotten to know me well. I just hate the feeling of not being able to do anything in this situation to see him more. I know that it will probably eventually get easier but right now, it is just overwhelming. I have never done long distance before so this is all very new to me. I should have been clearer earlier, that's my bad!

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LDRs aren't a normal pace of dating. You end up with long days together at the beginning instead of the gradual pace in a local relationship. If one of you wound up moving to the other's state, the person moving has to give up being around their friends and family, and possibly leave a good career. Those are some major issues to deal with, often affecting the stability of the relationship.

 

If you're not comfortable with a guy having a lot of platonic female friends, why are you subjecting yourself to this? There are guys who stick to guy friends, so if you're more comfortable with that, go for that kind of guy. It doesn't mean that anybody is right or wrong here, or unethical, it just means you're comfortable with a particular lifestyle that doesn't include a man with a harem.

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Andrina made good points but also to add, you have only spent a very brief time together; your relationship did not have a chance to establish the necesssry foundation to sustain not seeing each other for months and months on end.

 

You're very anxious, insecure, unhappy.

 

How long do you think you can sustain those feelings without breaking?

 

He on the other hand appears to have a full life, and fine with the situation according to your first post.

 

So there is an unbalance there which doesn't not bode well for long term survival, or even short term imo.

 

I just don't see this ending well for you at all, I'm sorry.

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On average, how many days do you spend together in a year?

 

" The next time I can think of possibly being able to see him would be in August or September," This is not sustaining. This is only going to become more frustrating and painful. I would strongly consider finding someone local. You can't have a relationship with someone you see a couple of times a year.

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The bottom line is that long distance is hard, and rarely sustainable unless there is a known end point. People who get into long distance things off the bat—well, no judgement, but I think it says something about where each person is emotionally. It's like it's easy to get very "serious" knowing it's not "really" serious—because, well, you're not really forming a relationship by merging lives than by keeping a very potent fantasy alive about what it might be like to one day merge lives.

 

I suppose it can work for some, but for most it's a recipe for the kind of insecurity you're experiencing. Because it's not quite real, and yet, as in your case, the emotional investment is real. And that tension is kind of forever, or at least until someone moves, which will create new tension points.

 

So I think you just have to ask yourself: Is this enough? Because the only way this really works is if it is, if you have so much going on outside of this that you're totally cool with not seeing him in 3-4 months and basically just talking constantly and having weekly FaceTime sex in the interim. Because (a) there's really noting either of you can do to change things and (b) you're not going to actually get closer by just saying "I miss you" and hearing someone say that back over and over.

 

I know it's hard, but I'd really consider that this might be a lesson in where you invest yourself emotionally, and limiting that to people you can see on a regular basis.

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I would also consider the strong possibility that he's not quite where you are in terms of investment.

 

You said yourself you hate the feeling you're missing him more than he's missing you because he doesn't vocalize it, and when you do talk via FaceTime, you feel terrible because you sense you want it more than he does.

 

These is a reason you're feeling this way, these insecure feelings are your intuition screaming that something is off, very off. You'd be wise to pay attention to that!

 

He's not where you are in terms of investment and emotions, I think you know this too deep down, and it's causing you a lot of anxiety and stress, rightfully so.

 

Look, he's a young 23 year old man, in the sexual prime of his life.

 

To expect a 23 year old man who's only spent a handful of days with a new women to refrain from real life sexual activity for months and months is not realistic.

 

Especially given how many female "friends" you know he has and hangs out with on a daily basis, in real life.

 

molly, again I'm sorry but i just don't see how any of this is sustainable and ultimately will end very badly for you, imo.

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There is nothing really normal about a long distance relationship to be honest.

 

And the majority don’t work out long term.

The only ones that really have a good shot at making it work are those that started locally and became long distance after a significant amount of time and a solid foundation built and with a predefined time that it will be long distance before reuniting again.

 

In saying that your insecurity and jealousy issues you describe are not necessarily because of distance , I think you possibly would be feeling them even if you were local.

 

I think the exchange of “I love you” was very premature even if you had met him locally.

You don’t actually really know each other very well, except for him at yours on holiday mode and your online interaction.

It’s more of a fantasy relationship that a real one.

You only know each other at both your best behaviours. Not the true daily grind that is life.

 

As for not breaking up with him because he has done nothing “break up worthy”?

Well that’s just silly and you ignoring your own needs.

 

What do you consider to be “break up worthy”?

Surely that includes your own needs not being met.

 

So yes, you should call it off, but because long distance doesn’t suit you. It doesn’t have to be when he does something wrong and worth breaking up over.

 

It’s about YOU first and foremost.

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molly, I'd also be asking myself why a man would intentionally seek out and start engaging/talking to a woman on line (you and perhaps others) who he knows lives hundreds of miles away and would rarely be able to see and spend real time with.

 

I mean seriously, why? Why would he not seek out local women with whom he can spend actual time and develop a real life relationship with? Assumimg that's what he wants.

 

Do you think this was some divine internet meeting set up by the internet gods or something?

 

Apology for the sarcasm but it's not.

 

Men who do this know what they're doing and it's deliberate.

 

They actually prefer the distance, this way they can maintain their local lifestyle, which may include seeing other women, and still have someone to connect with (on line) whom they're not under any obligation to spend actual time with, due to the distance, thus disrupting their precious lifestyle..

 

I am quite familiar with men who do this, men who intentionally seek out women long distance.

 

I could be wrong of course, i don't know him, but given everything you have posted about him, I think it's a possibility and something you should at least consider.

 

Because trust me, you are only a couple of states away, not all that far, IF he truly wanted to see you, spend time with you, he would be making that happen, sooner than 5-6 months from now.

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Unfortunately you've allowed yourself to fall in love with an apparition. You've never met. End it and spend your time better by getting on some dating apps and messaging and meeting local men and better yet, get away from the screen and get involved in life and start meeting people, making friends and also potentially meeting local guys to date. For excess sadness, crying, loneliness and withdrawal from life, make a appt with a doctor and therapist to assess what's going on.

We FaceTime but I know myself enough to know that what we are currently doing is not enough for me. I need to stop crying so much, do you have any advice on what I should do?
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I don't think he has trouble vocalizing at all. Does he have trouble expressing his desire to have sex with you either in real life or virtually? He can tell you or show you how he feels - and he chooses not to. Because he's not as into you, and I'm sorry. I was long distance with my husband for a long time before we married but (1) we had dated seriously in the past; (2) we saw each other about ever 11 days for a few-5 days and (3) as soon as we started dating we told each other that our goal was marriage and I knew I'd likely be the one to relocate. We spoke every night by phone, never texted, never face timed, some emailing. I wouldn't have done long distance if the circumstances were different. My parents were long distance for 4 years while engaged (teens for most of that time) and saw each other once a month and during the summers. They waited till marriage for sex. They were married 62 years so it worked for them but again they had a specific end goal and my father came back to our hometown after the 4 years.

 

I don't think what you have is reality-based and doesn't look like it has future potential. I'd look for someone local rather than assuming you are too "needy".

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molly, I'd also be asking myself why a man would intentionally seek out and start engaging/talking to a woman on line (you and perhaps others) who he knows lives hundreds of miles away and would rarely be able to see and spend real time with.

 

I mean seriously, why? Why would he not seek out local women with whom he can spend actual time and develop a real life relationship with? Assumimg that's what he wants.

 

Do you think this was some divine internet meeting set up by the internet gods or something?

 

Apology for the sarcasm but it's not.

 

Men who do this know what they're doing and it's deliberate.

 

They actually prefer the distance, this way they can maintain their local lifestyle, which may include seeing other women, and still have someone to connect with (on line) whom they're not under any obligation to spend actual time with, due to the distance, thus disrupting their precious lifestyle..

 

I am quite familiar with men who do this, men who intentionally seek out women long distance.

 

I could be wrong of course, i don't know him, but given everything you have posted about him, I think it's a possibility and something you should at least consider.

 

Because trust me, you are only a couple of states away, not all that far, IF he truly wanted to see you, spend time with you, he would be making that happen, sooner than 5-6 months from now.

 

Yes, is he really interested in long term? I've met men locally before moving to another country that said they were perfectly fine with being with me despite me being in another country. Guess what? They weren't long term relationship material.

 

Long distance relationships are hard enough as they are, but when they come with insecurities and without a definite plan to end the distance, then it rarely lasts.

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Unfortunately you've allowed yourself to fall in love with an apparition. You've never met. End it and spend your time better by getting on some dating apps and messaging and meeting local men and better yet, get away from the screen and get involved in life and start meeting people, making friends and also potentially meeting local guys to date. For excess sadness, crying, loneliness and withdrawal from life, make a appt with a doctor and therapist to assess what's going on.

 

They've met but yes, long distance is always a hard road and should never disrupt real life.

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Update, if you guys wanted one. I broke up with him and its really hard, but I know this will be better for me in the long run. I greatly appreciate all the helpful advice and the harsh but very real truth towards the situation. Though I feel that breakup pain now, I think this will be better soon enough. Thank you all!

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Thanks for the update Molly! I'll say this to you before anyone else (because these are the things we HATE to hear because they are true... but they are still annoying)

 

There's a silver lining in every cloud

There are plenty of fish in the sea

Just when you're not expecting it, someone else will come along

 

There, said and done so now you can move on! We are all here to help you with the pain, and we've all been through it and promise you you WILL get through it! :smug:

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