Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: I don't know if this is normal in a long distance relationship! Please help!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,623
    Gender
    Male
    The bottom line is that long distance is hard, and rarely sustainable unless there is a known end point. People who get into long distance things off the bat—well, no judgement, but I think it says something about where each person is emotionally. It's like it's easy to get very "serious" knowing it's not "really" serious—because, well, you're not really forming a relationship by merging lives than by keeping a very potent fantasy alive about what it might be like to one day merge lives.

    I suppose it can work for some, but for most it's a recipe for the kind of insecurity you're experiencing. Because it's not quite real, and yet, as in your case, the emotional investment is real. And that tension is kind of forever, or at least until someone moves, which will create new tension points.

    So I think you just have to ask yourself: Is this enough? Because the only way this really works is if it is, if you have so much going on outside of this that you're totally cool with not seeing him in 3-4 months and basically just talking constantly and having weekly FaceTime sex in the interim. Because (a) there's really noting either of you can do to change things and (b) you're not going to actually get closer by just saying "I miss you" and hearing someone say that back over and over.

    I know it's hard, but I'd really consider that this might be a lesson in where you invest yourself emotionally, and limiting that to people you can see on a regular basis.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,583
    I would also consider the strong possibility that he's not quite where you are in terms of investment.

    You said yourself you hate the feeling you're missing him more than he's missing you because he doesn't vocalize it, and when you do talk via FaceTime, you feel terrible because you sense you want it more than he does.

    These is a reason you're feeling this way, these insecure feelings are your intuition screaming that something is off, very off. You'd be wise to pay attention to that!

    He's not where you are in terms of investment and emotions, I think you know this too deep down, and it's causing you a lot of anxiety and stress, rightfully so.

    Look, he's a young 23 year old man, in the sexual prime of his life.

    To expect a 23 year old man who's only spent a handful of days with a new women to refrain from real life sexual activity for months and months is not realistic.

    Especially given how many female "friends" you know he has and hangs out with on a daily basis, in real life.

    molly, again I'm sorry but i just don't see how any of this is sustainable and ultimately will end very badly for you, imo.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,416
    There is nothing really normal about a long distance relationship to be honest.

    And the majority don’t work out long term.
    The only ones that really have a good shot at making it work are those that started locally and became long distance after a significant amount of time and a solid foundation built and with a predefined time that it will be long distance before reuniting again.

    In saying that your insecurity and jealousy issues you describe are not necessarily because of distance , I think you possibly would be feeling them even if you were local.

    I think the exchange of “I love you” was very premature even if you had met him locally.
    You don’t actually really know each other very well, except for him at yours on holiday mode and your online interaction.
    It’s more of a fantasy relationship that a real one.
    You only know each other at both your best behaviours. Not the true daily grind that is life.

    As for not breaking up with him because he has done nothing “break up worthy”?
    Well that’s just silly and you ignoring your own needs.

    What do you consider to be “break up worthy”?
    Surely that includes your own needs not being met.

    So yes, you should call it off, but because long distance doesn’t suit you. It doesn’t have to be when he does something wrong and worth breaking up over.

    It’s about YOU first and foremost.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,583
    molly, I'd also be asking myself why a man would intentionally seek out and start engaging/talking to a woman on line (you and perhaps others) who he knows lives hundreds of miles away and would rarely be able to see and spend real time with.

    I mean seriously, why? Why would he not seek out local women with whom he can spend actual time and develop a real life relationship with? Assumimg that's what he wants.

    Do you think this was some divine internet meeting set up by the internet gods or something?

    Apology for the sarcasm but it's not.

    Men who do this know what they're doing and it's deliberate.

    They actually prefer the distance, this way they can maintain their local lifestyle, which may include seeing other women, and still have someone to connect with (on line) whom they're not under any obligation to spend actual time with, due to the distance, thus disrupting their precious lifestyle..

    I am quite familiar with men who do this, men who intentionally seek out women long distance.

    I could be wrong of course, i don't know him, but given everything you have posted about him, I think it's a possibility and something you should at least consider.

    Because trust me, you are only a couple of states away, not all that far, IF he truly wanted to see you, spend time with you, he would be making that happen, sooner than 5-6 months from now.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-29-2019 at 03:32 AM.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,795
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately you've allowed yourself to fall in love with an apparition. You've never met. End it and spend your time better by getting on some dating apps and messaging and meeting local men and better yet, get away from the screen and get involved in life and start meeting people, making friends and also potentially meeting local guys to date. For excess sadness, crying, loneliness and withdrawal from life, make a appt with a doctor and therapist to assess what's going on.
    Originally Posted by mollysam
    We FaceTime but I know myself enough to know that what we are currently doing is not enough for me. I need to stop crying so much, do you have any advice on what I should do?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,939
    I don't think he has trouble vocalizing at all. Does he have trouble expressing his desire to have sex with you either in real life or virtually? He can tell you or show you how he feels - and he chooses not to. Because he's not as into you, and I'm sorry. I was long distance with my husband for a long time before we married but (1) we had dated seriously in the past; (2) we saw each other about ever 11 days for a few-5 days and (3) as soon as we started dating we told each other that our goal was marriage and I knew I'd likely be the one to relocate. We spoke every night by phone, never texted, never face timed, some emailing. I wouldn't have done long distance if the circumstances were different. My parents were long distance for 4 years while engaged (teens for most of that time) and saw each other once a month and during the summers. They waited till marriage for sex. They were married 62 years so it worked for them but again they had a specific end goal and my father came back to our hometown after the 4 years.

    I don't think what you have is reality-based and doesn't look like it has future potential. I'd look for someone local rather than assuming you are too "needy".

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    2,846
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    molly, I'd also be asking myself why a man would intentionally seek out and start engaging/talking to a woman on line (you and perhaps others) who he knows lives hundreds of miles away and would rarely be able to see and spend real time with.

    I mean seriously, why? Why would he not seek out local women with whom he can spend actual time and develop a real life relationship with? Assumimg that's what he wants.

    Do you think this was some divine internet meeting set up by the internet gods or something?

    Apology for the sarcasm but it's not.

    Men who do this know what they're doing and it's deliberate.

    They actually prefer the distance, this way they can maintain their local lifestyle, which may include seeing other women, and still have someone to connect with (on line) whom they're not under any obligation to spend actual time with, due to the distance, thus disrupting their precious lifestyle..

    I am quite familiar with men who do this, men who intentionally seek out women long distance.

    I could be wrong of course, i don't know him, but given everything you have posted about him, I think it's a possibility and something you should at least consider.

    Because trust me, you are only a couple of states away, not all that far, IF he truly wanted to see you, spend time with you, he would be making that happen, sooner than 5-6 months from now.
    Yes, is he really interested in long term? I've met men locally before moving to another country that said they were perfectly fine with being with me despite me being in another country. Guess what? They weren't long term relationship material.

    Long distance relationships are hard enough as they are, but when they come with insecurities and without a definite plan to end the distance, then it rarely lasts.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    2,846
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately you've allowed yourself to fall in love with an apparition. You've never met. End it and spend your time better by getting on some dating apps and messaging and meeting local men and better yet, get away from the screen and get involved in life and start meeting people, making friends and also potentially meeting local guys to date. For excess sadness, crying, loneliness and withdrawal from life, make a appt with a doctor and therapist to assess what's going on.
    They've met but yes, long distance is always a hard road and should never disrupt real life.

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    8
    Update, if you guys wanted one. I broke up with him and its really hard, but I know this will be better for me in the long run. I greatly appreciate all the helpful advice and the harsh but very real truth towards the situation. Though I feel that breakup pain now, I think this will be better soon enough. Thank you all!

  11. #20
    Bronze Member Camber 2019's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    NY
    Age
    58
    Posts
    121
    Gender
    Male
    Thanks for the update Molly! I'll say this to you before anyone else (because these are the things we HATE to hear because they are true... but they are still annoying)

    There's a silver lining in every cloud
    There are plenty of fish in the sea
    Just when you're not expecting it, someone else will come along

    There, said and done so now you can move on! We are all here to help you with the pain, and we've all been through it and promise you you WILL get through it!

  12. 07-19-2019, 10:56 PM


Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •