My best friend is having a relationship issue

Hi all, first ever post!

I have just joined this forum as I am looking for advice, so I can help advise my best friend (when asked, not imposing) when he asks me to discuss new issues in his relationship.

We are both 31, his partner is 30 (M,F), they have had a child in January, and his partner already as a child from a previous relationship.

They have been together now 11 years, and she is now telling my friend he will be moving with her to Hull, and they live in Essex, this is the other side of the country.

A bit of back story for this scenario, her father died suddenly wen she was 16, and had racked up innumerable debts, resulting in the house which her grandmother (paternal) lived in being used as collateral against the debt (about half the value)

Her grandmother (paternal) had Alzheimer's, and relied on her mother (daughter in law relationship to paternal grandmother) for care, along with NHS aid, and has recently passed away, resulting in the house which her grandmother and mother lived in being sold, and the owing funds being used to pay the debts, and the rest going to her uncle (split fair 50/50 for grandmothers children)

Her mother originally had a flat which she sold, and has now spent almost all of the money she received from the sale on vanity items (cars, holidays etc) and now can only afford a new property in low cost areas (Hull)

Now as the mother is moving up to the North of the country, my best friends partner has said they will be moving to the same area, as she doesn't want to be far away from her, understandably my best friend, who has family in this local area, is unhappy to move, as they have just started building their lives and careers in this area.

My friends partner has now began using their newborn child as collateral, if she moves, the child will be going with her, and its his decision if he comes or not, I have already said they need to sit down, as emotions are currently very high, and she needs to take his situations into any decision.

Is there anything (other than stay out of it) that I should consider to support my friend.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Stay out of it unless asked for advice or an opinion. None of this is your business.

This sounds like a tough situation and at this point there probably isn't much you can do directly. HOWEVER, I'm sure your friend needs some support, whether it be an ear, a night out etc.. You can tell him that you'll be there for him for whatever he needs. Call, text and make sure to check up on him. (Not all the time, but enough to show that you care.)

Hope this helps.

The courts decide who gets custody/visitation, how often and if there are restrictions taking a child out of a jurisdiction/given area. Does he need to stay in this area for his other child? She is not "using their child as collateral", no one owns a child like property. She is stating that she's moving either way and he can decide for himself if he wants to go. Sounds fair enough.

As far as where the child lives, they need to figure that out in court. How final are her moving plans? Tell your friend, go if he wants to and it's right for him, or don't and see how child custody/support will work for him. However making the child a rope in this tug-of-war to get her to do things your friends way or her way is pointless.

they have had a child in January, and his partner already as a child from a previous relationship.

 

My friends partner has now began using their newborn child as collateral, if she moves, the child will be going with her, and its his decision if he comes or not

If he asks for your opinion, keep your mouth shut and encourage him to speak with his partner about coming to some peaceful terms on the matter. If he is able to move, I don't see why he shouldn't move. You are not in a position to offer any opinions bearing no conflict of interest because you ARE one of his friends and having both their support networks seem to be a contentious issue (the reason for him to stay in Essex). I'd be very careful how you word your conversations with him. Be supportive of either decision and remain neutral. That's all you can do as his support and in being a friend. You need to come to terms with letting him go and supporting him in that decision also if it comes to that.

My opinion is that he owes it to his family to be committed in the long term relationship and commit to being a father. If he doesn't want to for other personal reasons it's none of your business and he needs to figure out the dynamics of his relationship with his partner on his own.

You don't know how the discussion really went. It could have been that she did not say "i am moving, bye".

There could be more going on in the relationship.

I don't see her using the child as collatoral -- this baby is only a few months old and is probably breastfeeding.

He would honestly be okay for caring for an infant 24/7 if his partner left? Probably not.

I don't know what court would prevent a single mom (they aren't married) from taking her infant with her to be near family.

So either he moves and makes a decision to as a family or he stays behind and sees the child when he can.

those are the two options or him.

Can/would mom move closer to them?

Could they agree to live near mom to get her sorted out and then potentially move back?

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The amount of detail you have about his significant other makes me think it’s either you or you’re the one dating her...