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My boyfriend and I have been dating in a long distance relationship for 3 years today. He has forgotten our anniversary. This time last year he broke up with me on our anniversary after refusing to talk to me for 8 weeks. 24 hrs later he begged my forgiveness and after a long period of consideration I agreed to take him back. I recently was able to spend 3 months with him over summer, which is the longest we’ve spent together since we first met. We had a wonderful time but I noticed on two occasions he would come home from work with drawings on his arms. When I saw them I laughed and asked who gave them to him. His reply was strange, he got defensive and he said ‘it was one of the guides at work. THEY’RE not very good at drawing’. If I asked again he would also use ‘they’. Once I return back home he went hiking/camping one weekend with someone from work, completely out of the blue, and when I asked who it was he said once again it was one of the ‘guides’ and that ‘they’ needed someone local to show them where to go. Once he got back i asked him all about it and if the person he had gone with enjoyed themselves. Only now did he mention ‘they’ was a she and he told me her first name. I’m currently visiting my boyfriend and as much as I hate to admit it, his avoidance and defensive really ate away at me. When I got the chance, I went into his messages (and I wish i hadn’t because I have not right to) but he messages her all the time. She recently went away and twice he said he wanted her back and that he missed her. Previously he has twice called her pretty. And when he went on a recent holiday with a friend he sent her special videos showing her things only she might like. One year ago when we briefly broke up it was because he had struggled with the distance and become emotionally guarded. Now I’m worried I’m losing him again and I can’t tell if I’m paranoid or justified.

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All indications are that he's not as committed to you as you seem to be to him.

 

How far is the distance? If he has to couch his pronouns in 'they' instead of 'she,' he's obviously wanting to hide his relationship with her.

 

Long distance doesn't usually work out, despite the best of intentions. He clearly doesn't like having a LD relationship. Why not find someone local?

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Honestly it sounds like you have trust issues here and with good reason. Not speaking to you for 8 weeks with no explanation? Forgetting your anniversary? It is clear he is not invested in your relationship and looks like he’s lining up this other girl for his next especially as he’s being vague and shady about who the friend was.

 

I also have to wonder why you’ve been long distance for so long - is there an end goal in sight for being in the same location permanently? If not I think you should ask yourself is it worth the stress of wondering what he’s doing and with who when he’s so far away? Focus on meeting someone closer to home who respects you and is invested in your relationship - don’t waste any more years on this guy.

 

Good luck!

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I’m in Australia and he is in New Zealand. I’m at university so I’m committed to my location for the time being. The benefits of the relationship do outweigh the cons for the time being and we both love each other’s company. I think we have a mutual understanding that we want to enjoy the relationship while it lasts and enjoy the adventures we have with each other. It’s just this behaviour from him is new and makes me sad to think he might have found someone he prefers. Ultimately I want him to be happy though. Which means I might have to let him go.

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I wouldn’t say you have «trust issues». «Trust issues» to me means that someone is behaving in normal, trustworthy ways and you are having a hard time trusting them. Instead, I think you have «boyfriend behaving shady» issues.

 

I mean... when he came home with drawings on his arms, you knew that was a girl, right? I’ve never seen a dude doodle on another dude’s arm. That’s something a young flirty girl does to get attention and «mark» her territory.

 

I don’t think you are being paranoid is what I’m saying - and to be honest - I don’t think you even needed to snoop in order to know what you know is true... which is that is he being flirty and going on hiking/camping trips with other girls.

 

PS: I wouldn’t call it «someone he prefers» but rather «someone who is giving him the attention that he wants». No need to beat yourself up over it.

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I'm sorry but the writing is on the wall. He went camping with a woman he works with. If your relationship isn't open (not exclusive) then he's cheating on you iat the very least, emotionally. You sound like you are a realist since you talk about possibly having to let him go so be prepared for the other shoe to drop.

 

What did you say when he finally came clean and said that is camping partner was not a "they" but rater a she?

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Yes I immediately knew it was someone flirting with him and that actually doesn’t bother me it all. It was his reaction that did. His defensiveness was so shocking! And he changed the topic sooo quickly!

 

When he relaxed and said ‘she’ I didn’t react. In fact I was relieved that he was actually talking about her rather than hiding it. I just asked him if she enjoyed herself and what she thought the best part was. As if she was one of his close friends. He spoke about her but didn’t linger on the topic.

 

He does really like the attention she gives him. And I don’t know that it’s much more than that but I feel like that effects of that are compounded times and times over when you predominately live apart. She is more accessible to him in every way. And she’s new and exciting.

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Honestly....based on the info you’ve provided, I would end this relationship on a romantic level...and try to find someone closer and maybe someone on the same wavelength you are. This guy just doesn’t seem like he “all in” so to speak.

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I think he is checking out of your relationship again, OP. And he quite obviously likes this other girl.

 

You two are far apart and he’s broken up with you before. Now he’s being evasive about his new crush. I think it’s going to best if you two call a spade a spade, and set each other free. He’s not on the same page as you anymore.

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Sorry to hear this. You don't see each other enough, it's that simple. He wants to break up as before because LDRs are too difficult and frustrating. He's more interested in a local regular in-person partner and you should be also. He is dating her. Why hang on to this? End it. Start dating local available men. .

was able to spend 3 months with him over summer, which is the longest we’ve spent together since we first met. I went into his messages. She recently went away and twice he said he wanted her back and that he missed her. Previously he has twice called her pretty
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Sounds like you already know the answer, it's just difficult to face. The two of them didn't just go on a platonic camping trip. He is stringing along both of you....and doubt he is serious about either one of you. As you said, he enjoys the attention while he is committed to no one but himself. Cut him loose and find a better guy to date closer to home. Don't get stuck on you have fun or have a lot in common. Lots of guys out there who will be all that and more too for you.

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Yes I immediately knew it was someone flirting with him and that actually doesn’t bother me it all.
So you've said but are just as not bothered that he's sexually active with someone else? If you are then why the tread? If you aren't then why bother being with him when its clear you are not the only woman he's into?

 

It was his reaction that did. His defensiveness was so shocking! And he changed the topic sooo quickly!
Why is that THE only thing that is bothersome to you? Are you okay with sharing him?

 

When he relaxed and said ‘she’ I didn’t react. In fact I was relieved that he was actually talking about her rather than hiding it.
Seems an odd reaction to the fact he's dating someone else.

 

I just asked him if she enjoyed herself and what she thought the best part was. As if she was one of his close friends.
Were you trying to act like the cool chick or were you actually just interested in how his date enjoyed herself?

 

He spoke about her but didn’t linger on the topic.
Irrelevant, really.

 

He does really like the attention she gives him. And I don’t know that it’s much more than that
Surely you are not that naive?
but I feel like that effects of that are compounded times and times over when you predominately live apart. She is more accessible to him in every way. And she’s new and exciting.
... Yes, so what are you going to do? Are you going to do the smart thing (IMO) and dump him since he's clearly enjoying more than just "her attention" or; are you going to continue acting the cool chick until he dumps you or learns that you are quite okay with sharing him so he keeps doing it while you wait for him to give you your turn with him?
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  • 2 weeks later...
I’m in Australia and he is in New Zealand. I’m at university so I’m committed to my location for the time being. The benefits of the relationship do outweigh the cons for the time being and we both love each other’s company. I think we have a mutual understanding that we want to enjoy the relationship while it lasts and enjoy the adventures we have with each other. It’s just this behaviour from him is new and makes me sad to think he might have found someone he prefers. Ultimately I want him to be happy though. Which means I might have to let him go.

 

You think you have a mutual understanding? Or do you?

 

Also, "enjoying it while it lasts..." I get that life is a lot of times about living in the moment and not stressing, but... that phrase doesn't exactly ring with warm fuzzy feelings for your future (nor does "the pros outweigh the cons"). For any relationship to work, there needs to be clear communication about the overall goal of it, whatever the two people decide that is. But especially with LDRs... that assurance (which usually involves a plan to close the distance) that you're working toward something is what gets you through all those days of not being close to each other.

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