I just dont know...

so please keep in mind that this was written at three am, it is an email draft i wanted to send to my friends but never got around to it as i realized how bad it seemed. please dont say how over dramatic it seems or that relationships like these are unbearable and i am truly trying, honestly i just want advie on learning to let go of things, people and emotions. there might be some switches to my mother language but 99% is in english (ps i did not want to edit it as i felt the message would have been heavily altered if id started modifying it now )

so guess whos back, annoying, kinda over-bearing, emotional at the moment because of a damn movie and just overall a mess. its almost three in the morning, on a tuesday? i dont know what day it is tbh havent checked my calendar in forever. look at me being all depressy and , this isnt a cute look for me but oh well.

from the top, here I am, tuesday morning, watching cheesy romance movies, sending mass emails to my friends, probably scaring half of you into thinking Im about to kill myself and in the words of the wise Nikol: ika e njome, kto jan kasetat e mia.

well, thats for another day, another time and another ocassion. sometimes i hate being alone, the air feels suffocating and the walls seem to be too close and other times..like now. i, the tough headed, sometimes smart mouthed, very obnoxious, me...need a friend.

now if id have the balls to send this email youd be curious as to what damn movie could have me bawling my eyes out and writing weird ass emails at 3 am and howver out of character this may be for me, it was 5 feet apart. the classic teen romance movie yada yada a given white-hormonal-teen-girl-heartstringer. i mean it isnt wrong.

maybe its the approach to death, the lack of contact which to us..or to me at least doesnt seem important or out of the ordinary during my day to day life. we all hug people we care about, kiss in greeting and in love, brush hands while passing on a pen and laugh without fear of being too close.

we dont notice these things, dont give them importance. yet at the same time these insignificant gestures sometimes mean the world to us. one hug can feel like a thousand and one touching of hands gives the feeling of two souls colliding. yet...we dont value it.

and for this i am sorry. for all the wasted small moments. for all the missed out bigger ones. for dragging you into the mess that is me. because truth be told, even if youll never say it to me. i am a mess. not a lot of good comes from me. im sick constantly, am failing almost all my classes, never seem to realize whats in front of me before it is far too late. maybe it was never there to begin with and my delusional self just tries seeing things, where they simply arent.

so here i am, yet again, alone, cold, numb, crying over the loss of a best friend. the chase of a love that wasnt there. the undying desire to understand the line between jealousy and pride im treading on. and the uttermost destructive feeling of not being able to help. on one side its always been like this, one sided. cant have both parts of these relationships function at the same time, it just...never worked like that. whether that is me to you all as a group. me to you. amd simply me to..me.

what if the point has come where i dont want to dissapoint anyone anymore. my mom and dad, they have been dealing with a disgrace for the past 17 years. least i could do for them was be good at school and take care of myself.

i havent been doing either. i went from straight As to measly trying to pass and get this half assed diplomma. and health and self care wise? youve seen my arms, youve seen my eyes and youve now seen my words too. I havent taken my medication in 3 weeks. two pills in the morning, one at lunch and two in the evening. all of these continuously going down the sink. my mother has gone from screaming that for one point i could have full marks to crying tears of joy when i pass the 75% mark.

it is so difficult. it is so difficult to see yourself try this hard and not reach anything. beiing surrounded by intelligent, amazing, brautiful people and then looking yourself in the mirror and despising everything you see in front of you.

it is difficult looking at you in the eye and saying im so proud of you, for what youve done, what youre doing and everything you will do. because i am, i could cry thinking about how amazing you are, you all are. but i cant. because i also wanted that to be me. i wanted to finish first in class, go to my dream univeristy, find the right guy and manage to keep him, i wanted to be able to trust people without being scaed of them using things against me. and i wanted to say that i found my best friend and didnt do something to lose her. but i cant. because i did. and i dont know how too fix it.

i cant tell that i have fallen in love, i cant say how sorry i am because i know that now it doesnt matter, i cant come accompany you to the airport when you leave because i wont be able to look at you in the eye, i wont go get the coffees with you because i dont want you to feel like im your burdain to carry, i wont tell you about the fresh cuts and the falling hair because i know that you have your own, and i wont come to you crying complaining about the latest issue in my life.

youre so great, you deserve to be loved, cared for, understood and accompanied through your journeys. physical and emotional contact which i just cant offer.

i cant be a good girlfiend if i cant help you through your issues, cant be there for you if you dont let me, cant solve your problems when you dont want them to be solved and cant kiss you unless i were 6 feet tall.

i have proven that no matter how much i try, i cant seem to be a good friend either.i wasnt there when you were coughing up blood, i probably wouldnt know now either. i wasnt there when you were cryingon the bathroom stall, because i havent talked to you in months. i wasnt there for you when you got your heeartbroken, not once, but twice. i wasnt there for you after all the fights with your parents you didnt want to bother telling me about.

this message took exactly the curve i was trying to swerve around. im not crying anymore...which is good. moral of the story the movie made me think. overthink. analyse all my memorie. and everything i did wrong. life is about bonds. ive made many, too many some might say. not enough has proven itself the case. there is never enough. we, as humans crave contact, we feed off of energy. and when we lack it? we go numb.love maybe isnt the force that makes the world go round, but at least it pumps our blood.it arouses our senses. it fullfills us. it makes us feel alive. and this love that we all chase and expect doesnt grow out of our pocket overnight, it isnt sent our way through a 24 snap story, and it most definitely doesnt come knocking on our door. it takes care, persistance, commitment and sometimes, a bit more persistance until they leave you on seen.

its an emotion, like a flower. beautiful in nature, fragile in our hands. but with a little bit of attention it will grow through a full lifespan.

Love,

FromMyWindow

Do not send this to anyone. If you were a bad friend, why don't you pick up the phone and make some changes, not send this unnecessary drivel. It seems like you are making everything about you, again.

I don’t really understand this letter to be honest. I don’t even know what I would do if I received it.

Is it an apology for not being a good friend?

Is it asking for help because you are feeling depressed?

And on that note - what are the pills that you are not taking? Antidepressants?

In all honesty - and not trying to be mean or anything - I think this email is better suited to go to a therapist than to friends. It sounds like you are in a dark place and you need some real support... but frankly... while friends can offer SOME support, they are not therapists. You need to be 99% ok on your own and friends can help fill in and support the other 1%. When you need much more than that (and it sounds like you do) - someone trained and qualified is a better bet.

I really do hope you find all the love and support you need and that you find a qualified person to help. There’s no shame in that - to the contrary - it’s a marker of self-awareness and strength. And intelligence! To get effective help so that you can get out of your dark place faster.

I don’t think you should send that letter.

Who is this letter to? I didn't understand. But regardless of the situation I wouldn't send this to anyone, but instead keep this to myself as a venting mechanism/therapeutical writing. It could also help seeing a therapist to help you with your issues if you feel they're too overbearing to handle on your own.

I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now but I think you should keep this for your private journal and show it to your therapist or at the very least discuss how you're feeling with him/her. I think while you wait for an appointment that you call a crises hot line and talk it out with them.

Find a movie to watch that makes you lol which will help stimulate your feel good endorphins and hopefully boost your current mood at least a little.

Print it out and take it to a therapist to sort through what you feel and why. Also consider journaling if writing stuff out helps you.

So you didn't do so well in school and are now trying to complete a diploma. There's no shame in that. I think you just haven't been given a chance to breathe, to be honest. Whether it's from social pressure or pressure from your parents to do post secondary schooling, I'm not sure. You also need time to mature on your own and figure out what you want to do with your life. I'd resist sending the letter to your friends or posting it anywhere on social media. This is not a dumbing down or attempt to invalidate how you feel. I think you should feel whatever you need to feel but you might want to hold on that impulse at least for another 24 hours and reconsider whether it's information that you wish to share with your friends or family members if only to protect your own privacy and give yourself a chance to sort out these conflicting emotions and thoughts you're going through.

There is no rush and there's no race to the finish line. All of us are works in progress and we are all learning. Keep in mind also that movies are designed to trigger emotions especially 'dramas'. Step back for a second and realize that there are directors, actors, script writers and others who are paid to elicit emotions out of people and whose jobs and livelihoods depend on the success on how much emotions and how many ratings they can get based on the level of emotions they are able to elicit in their viewers. Realizing this might temper your reaction overall and help you put things in perspective. I hope you feel better soon.