Long Distance Friendship-Best friend gave me an ultimatum.

This is a weird one. My best friend of 20 years is a great guy however he has many "big emotions" AKA can be a drama queen. We are from NYC and about 6 years ago I moved out west to Utah. You see I have a B.A in history and International business but after I graduated from college I couldn't find much and actually become a general laborer not making much. All the jobs I applied for said I didn't have enough experience and NYC has so much competition. I was making around 11.00 an hour.

Fast forward and present day I make a decent living, have stability, and I work in a more career centered environment. My current yearly pay is around 50,000. Also, Utah is 30% cheaper than NYC. He recently gave me an ultimatum that has caused me distress. He said If I do not move back to NYC in 3 or 4 months he will never talk to me again but recently changed it to only talking to me every so often. Its expensive to move back and also I am on medicine for my health so I'd need insurance pretty fast w/ a new job.

I would like to move back however it being feasible or not is the question. I don't really have family at all so I feel like he's my only real source of connection. It's a really hard position he has put me in or at least It feels that way. I am just not sure what to do or how to feel. I am 30 and he is a bit older at 45.

Thank you!

Your so-called 'best friend' is not being a friend at all if he's issuing ultimatums.

You're in a great spot now, with a good job and living in a state that is breathtakingly beautiful. Moving back to NYC will severely decrease your lifestyle. Stay where you are an enjoy the ride. If he doesn't talk to you again, so be it. Why does he think he can make such demands on you?

I'm very confused as to why a friend would demand you move?

What reasons for this demand did he give?

His "threat" is very juvenile also.

The weird part is that you're even considering his ultimatum as anything but bizarre and laughing it off, then ending contact with him. He's not a friend, by definition.

You wrote about this "friend" in 2016:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=517199

"lost my Best Friend because he was very hurt about me moving to Utah"

So he's been "threatening" to end your friendship for 3 years? Why don't you just walk away from this? This isn't a friendship; this is a demand.

He does not sound like a friend. I think it is weird.

Why don't you have friends outside of this guy? Why are you not making more effort?

Friends don’t demand friends move to where they are. He is no friend. You have a good life and would be foolish to give it up.

Did you suggest this guy move to where you are? I’m sure he’d say no if you did.

Why don't you tell him that you're going to dissolve the friendship unless he moves to where you are?

Oookayyyyy, so, according to that past thread, it appears the friend is married to a woman but gay, made advances at OP, and stopped talking to him when OP rejected him. This was several years ago and it seems to me like he's again flipping out on OP for not wanting to be with him.

I was going to ask if the friend had a different interest in him, being so insistent OP should move closer.

This thread is weird.....I’ll just lurk lol

So you’ve been friends since you were 10 and he was 25?

Yeah, this friendship sounds like it has quite a different dynamic.

This guy is not a true, genuine friend. A real friend would not give you this ultimatum. The fact that he’s given you this ultimatum shows that he’s selfish, manipulative, and controlling.

Did you call him out and tell him he’s being unreasonable (and not a friend!)?

You don’t need “friends” like this. What a pain...

So you’ve been friends since you were 10 and he was 25?.

I noticed that too. Rather disturbing/bizarre.

OP, what does your wife say about this "friend's" ultimatum to you to move to NYC?

It sounds like you want to move back to NY but your wife does not.

Your friend has a screw loose. Find healthy friends where you live, and let the guy decide where he wants to stand without your influence.

This is a weird one. My best friend of 20 years is a great guy however he has many "big emotions" AKA can be a drama queen. We are from NYC and about 6 years ago I moved out west to Utah. You see I have a B.A in history and International business but after I graduated from college I couldn't find much and actually become a general laborer not making much. All the jobs I applied for said I didn't have enough experience and NYC has so much competition. I was making around 11.00 an hour.

 

Fast forward and present day I make a decent living, have stability, and I work in a more career centered environment. My current yearly pay is around 50,000. Also, Utah is 30% cheaper than NYC. He recently gave me an ultimatum that has caused me distress. He said If I do not move back to NYC in 3 or 4 months he will never talk to me again but recently changed it to only talking to me every so often. Its expensive to move back and also I am on medicine for my health so I'd need insurance pretty fast w/ a new job.

 

I would like to move back however it being feasible or not is the question. I don't really have family at all so I feel like he's my only real source of connection. It's a really hard position he has put me in or at least It feels that way. I am just not sure what to do or how to feel. I am 30 and he is a bit older at 45.

 

Thank you!

Are you two gay men?

I have to ask because your friend is behaving as if he is in a romantic relationship as if you have to answer to the relationship - giving you an ultimatum etc, and the fact that you are giving this the time of day and not saying "shut up, dude"" or you are his only friend. EDITI: I read that you were married...that doesn't mean that he doesn't have a crush

I would tell him that friends want eachother to succeed. And if he can't be happy that you found a job then he is not a friend.

Or I would just say "whatever" and let him do whatever -- he will never speak to you again or you will hear from him once a month and make new friends.

You do have friends other than him, right?

Well - 3 years ago you were griping that you hated Utah and now are saying why you can't leave. So what changed? Do you really want to move back to NYC and are using his abusive behavior as proof that you should or do you really want to stay in Utah but you don't know how to tell your friend off?