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Thread: I'm an ugly person and getting a date is proving impossible.

  1. #1
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    I'm an ugly person and getting a date is proving impossible.

    The title pretty much says it.

    I don't understand the "it happens when you least expect it/not looking for it" belief.

    I don't understand the "send positivity into the universe and it'll happen" mindset.

    The universe doesn't make deals, karma as some cosmic force does not exist, and "hoping" it'll happen is no guarantee that it will happen.

    It's been nearly three years since I was was out of my abusive decade-long relationship and I do believe that another "chance" simply isn't going to happen now. At 31, with no sexual experience beyond being abused, how many women would see that (if they can look past how hideous I am) and think, "Hasn't had any sexual contact in 12 years? What a score!" I feel like staying in that abusive situation for so long has made it impossible now for me to learn dating, to somehow become less ugly, and to learn how to perform and enjoy sex.

    I wish sometimes that when I fall asleep, I won't wake up.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    What kind of work do you do?

    What are your hobbies?

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Get over your self loathing issue through therapy. It's not until you love and accept yourself will you be able to introduce someone new in your life.

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    I think that after a decade of abuse, you should be seeking counselling and self-care and self-worth before throwing yourself under the bus. I doubt your looks are the true issue. You are probably quite attractive. I doubt you're as ugly as you portray yourself to be, and you are probably your own worst enemy. Your issues go beyond the superficial. Address these first.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    What kind of work do you do?

    What are your hobbies?
    Naval archivist, can't be more specific.

    Hobbies: Volunteer as an advocate for those disabilities, usually meet with a friend to walk around a park and get dinner weekly. I also play board games with a couple.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    I think that after a decade of abuse, you should be seeking counselling and self-care and self-worth before throwing yourself under the bus. I doubt your looks are the true issue. You are probably quite attractive. I doubt you're as ugly as you portray yourself to be, and you are probably your own worst enemy. Your issues go beyond the superficial. Address these first.
    Definitely not "quite attractive":
    [Register to see the link]

  8. #7
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Get over your self loathing issue through therapy. It's not until you love and accept yourself will you be able to introduce someone new in your life.
    Why? Are people who self-loathe automatically excluded from dating and romance and love? Abusers and criminals of the worst sort all can acquire these.

    Edit: I do attend therapy weekly, I no longer want to destroy myself but still think I've missed any sort of window.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Kantriakhor
    Definitely not "quite attractive":
    [Register to see the link]
    I won't be clicking any links, but I maintain, you are probably more attractive than you give yourself credit for.

  10. #9
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kantriakhor
    Why? Are people who self-loathe automatically excluded from dating and romance and love? Abusers and criminals of the worst sort all can acquire these.

    Edit: I do attend therapy weekly, I no longer want to destroy myself but still think I've missed any sort of window.
    If you are coming here, then your therapy is unsatisfactory. This is something you should be discussing with a new therapist. Your issues are to complex for the general pubic to help you with.
    If you are coming here for people to keep assuring you, that you are attractive to have a decent partner, you are only hurting your recovery. It just enables a cycle of, you depending on us to bring you out of your self loathing. I'm not saying you are being bad for coming here, this is quite common for people to do. They just don't realize that it only evaporates their situation.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    I won't be clicking any links, but I maintain, you are probably more attractive than you give yourself credit for.
    Dear OP, you are probably are more attractive than you give yourself credit for. Hey, we cannot all look like Angelina Jolie or George Clooney! So what??? I'm glad you are in therapy. Hopefully, the therapist will guide you out of this unhealthy state of mind. You stayed in that abusive relationship for a long time and consequently, it will take you a long time to recover and heal. And, you're only 31? OP, you have your whole life ahead of you. Remember that. Think of the positives in your life, like your health. That's a big one.

    I am so very sorry that you were in an abusive relationship. I am certain that by simply being in that abusive environment it made you feel insecure, unappreciated, afraid and "ugly", among other things. If you truly think you are, have you tried to spruce yourself up? There are many ways to achieve that. Look here: [Register to see the link] Hopefully, some of these may help. Also remember that you are responsible for your happiness. Stay strong; I know you will succeed if you truly want to. Hang in there, and keep you head high! I am rooting for you.

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