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Thread: I'm an ugly person and getting a date is proving impossible.

  1. #11
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    I won't be clicking any links, but I maintain, you are probably more attractive than you give yourself credit for.
    Thank you for your opinion but I canít believe you.

  2. #12
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    If you are coming here, then your therapy is unsatisfactory. This is something you should be discussing with a new therapist. Your issues are to complex for the general pubic to help you with.
    If you are coming here for people to keep assuring you, that you are attractive to have a decent partner, you are only hurting your recovery. It just enables a cycle of, you depending on us to bring you out of your self loathing. I'm not saying you are being bad for coming here, this is quite common for people to do. They just don't realize that it only evaporates their situation.
    I promise that Iím not trying to be reassured that Iím somehow less ugly than I really am.

    Iím wishing to understand the beliefs I initially outlined about why people believe ďit happens when you least expect itĒ ďbe positiveĒ etc etc. I donít see the correlation.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Kantriakhor
    Why? Are people who self-loathe automatically excluded from dating and romance and love?
    Pretty much yes. You have to love yourself and love your own company and your own skin before you can accept and give this love to other people and accept this love in return. You are valuable, and you expect to be treated as such...you treat your partner with the same value...in a healthy relationship. People who are self-loathing are very much excluded from dating and romance...breaking news at 10...how is this a mystery to you?

    Originally Posted by Kantriakhor
    Edit: I do attend therapy weekly, I no longer want to destroy myself but still think I've missed any sort of window.
    I question the efficacy of your therapy, and what "window" are you speaking of? There is no window. Any relationship you embark on will be nothing more than quicksand with your doom and gloom and self-loathing attitude. There are no windows in quicksand.

    See yourself for the valuable person you are. Get a hair cut, buy a shirt, take a walk to the dog park and pet some dogs...talk to people...when you buy a coffee or newspaper, say good morning, and realize your value.

  4. #14
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    Look at Marylin Manson and Steven Tyler - if they were not famous would anyone look at those men and say YOWZERS!! What an exceptional specimen of human attractiveness. No way. Have you seen what Marylin Manson looks like in no stage makeup and everyday clothing? Objective looks only influence success up to a point - success in business, success in relationships. If you hate yourself, your favorite subject to talk about is how unattractive you are, then who would want to be around you at all? How would you have someone to date, let alone have friends. So when someone says "be positive" - that's the baseline -- to like yourself a little bit

    I think you are very egocentric, self centered person if all you think about is how undesirable you are.
    But on top of it, you are going to reject anyone who doesn't see yourself the way you see yourself. Water seeks its own level - so the only people you will attract is an abusive woman who tells you that you are nothing because that's in agreement with your inner dialogue. Someone kind and nice who is mentally healthy is not going to bother with you. So you have to make choices. But i find most men who say they are ugly and are undateable only want women that look like supermodels, anyhow

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Kantriakhor
    Thank you for your opinion but I canít believe you.
    See, that's where you are wrong. If you see yourself as ugly, you will give off that vibe and people will feel it and act accordingly. If, on the other hand, you see your self-worth, you will give off an aura of confidence to which people will respond. Don't you see that?

    OK, so here's a personal story. Many years ago, I decided to give up on dating for a while because I just didn't seem to like the people I dated once I got to know them, so I figured I'd take a break. Dating was just such a hassle and kind of stressful for me. One day, I quit my job on Wall Street and made the decision to work at a hospital. I decided to finally pursue on dream of going to medical school. Now remember: I was not interested in dating at all; it wasn't even under my radar. I had one goal in mind. Well, after some time passed, I met someone and, lo and behold, he turned my head around. I fell in love with him. It was so unexpected, and I certainly very surprised. The marriage lasted 29 years. Unfortunately, though, I am recently divorced.
    Last edited by goddess; 04-28-2019 at 02:51 PM.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Look at Marylin Manson and Steven Tyler - if they were not famous would anyone look at those men and say YOWZERS!! What an exceptional specimen of human attractiveness. No way. Have you seen what Marylin Manson looks like in no stage makeup and everyday clothing? Objective looks only influence success up to a point - success in business, success in relationships. If you hate yourself, your favorite subject to talk about is how unattractive you are, then who would want to be around you at all? How would you have someone to date, let alone have friends. So when someone says "be positive" - that's the baseline -- to like yourself a little bit

    I think you are very egocentric, self centered person if all you think about is how undesirable you are.
    But on top of it, you are going to reject anyone who doesn't see yourself the way you see yourself. Water seeks its own level - so the only people you will attract is an abusive woman who tells you that you are nothing because that's in agreement with your inner dialogue. Someone kind and nice who is mentally healthy is not going to bother with you. So you have to make choices. But i find most men who say they are ugly and are undateable only want women that look like supermodels, anyhow
    Itís not all I think about or talk about, I have friends. I usually donít tell them these things. Iím also not foolish enough to pine over supermodels.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Kantriakhor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    See, that's where you are wrong. If you see yourself as ugly, you will give off that vibe and people will feel it and act accordingly. If, on the other hand, you see your self-worth, you will give off an aura of confidence to which people will respond. Don't you see that?
    I honestly donít. Are vibes an actual thing that can be measured? I know about body language and monitor my own to exist when out and about and make sure my conversations stay away from what I think of myself.

    Edit: per your edit, I wish I could get to the point of acquiring a date but I feel as though I missed the boat. No one is going to think ďoh what a catch, heís ugly and hasnít had intimate contact in over a decadeĒ. Sorry about your divorce and thank you for sharing, I hear stories about that but canít grasp how it can possibly happen.

  9. #18
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    I agree with abitbroken's post regarding "Look at Marylin Manson and Steven Tyler". Add to that Mick Jaggar, Lyle Lovett - shall I go on? You get it? These people are not necessarily handsome but they have some huge talent and obviously are extremely popular and very well like.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Kantriakhor
    I honestly donít. Are vibes an actual thing that can be measured? I know about body language and monitor my own to exist when out and about and make sure my conversations stay away from what I think of myself.

    Edit: per your edit, I wish I could get to the point of acquiring a date but I feel as though I missed the boat. No one is going to think ďoh what a catch, heís ugly and hasnít had intimate contact in over a decadeĒ. Sorry about your divorce and thank you for sharing, I hear stories about that but canít grasp how it can possibly happen.
    No, vibes can't be measured; they are just feelings that we get. You are not going to acquire any dates until you are healed; please realise that. People pick up on negative vibes and positive one too. Some better than others. Haven't you ever met/know anyone that, for some reason (perhaps unbeknownst to you) like or did not like? Come on, I'm sure you have.

    Good for you that you stay away from conversations regarding how you think of yourself. Why tear yourself down, whether in public or privately? It serves no purpose other than to turn people away from you and make you depressed. You've got to get out of that deprecatory state of mind. I knew a guy who was married, good looking, successful who always tore himself down and boasted about how wonderful, talented, etc his wife was. Do you know how annoying and uncomfortable I was when he did that?

  11. #20
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    OP, jmo but it serves no good purpose to compare yourself to others, including those society might consider both attractive and unattractive.

    This is about how you feel about yourself, both internally and externally.

    Frankly, I wish I could see a photo, there may be things we could recommend. The link didn't work.

    Holly asked if you worked out.

    Also, drink lots of high calorie protein drinks. Not only will working out build muscle improving your appearance but it increases endorphins which increases your overall mood (and how you feel about yourself generally).

    And the high calorie protein drinks will help you put on weight, again, improving your appearance.

    Re your face, you can get a more flattering hairstyle which does wonders to enhance certain facial features, grow a bit of facial hair, as long as you keep it well trimmed.

    I mean there are things you can do to improve your appearance, and in turn increasing your confidence and self esteem which will in turn make you feel better about yourself and attract the ladies!

    Hire a personal trainer, w your job sounds like you can afford.

    Visit a salon, look into getting a personal makeover.

    Just some practical suggestions, assumimg you want to feel better. I'm still on the fence whether or not you actually do.

    Your call, good luck!

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