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Thread: should i tell him and how that hes now a father

  1. #1

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    should i tell him and how that hes now a father

    how do i tell the father of my 3 1/2 month old daughter that he has a child. i had this secret thing with him for years but it was more like i booty call i guess but i was on birth control and promised i wouldn't get pregnant or that neither of us would tell anyone anything the last time we did anything was the last time we ever really talked to each other i don't know why and now our families are basically at war which i don't know why about either .i didn't find out i was even pregnant until i was already 7 months into it. when we had anything going on we were both single but after i found i was pregnant he was in a relationship so i waited to tell him till at least after some of the drama was dying down but now i don't know if hes in a relationship anymore but i'm tired of everyone everywhere even family asking and guessing who the father could be i want someone to know but i want him to be the first. i'm just scared that's hes going to want nothing to do with her or that my family will literally kill me. i just have no idea what to do i'm all alone in this and this is my last hope

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live with your parents? Who is taking care of the child? Who is supporting you and the child? Why would your family be upset if he turns out to be the father? You need to prove he's the father then go to court for child support as well as working out a custody/visitation schedule. If the baby is his, he has to pay child support whether he wants to be involved with the child or not. It doesn't matter whether he is in a relationship or not.

  3. #3
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    Why was your affair a secret?
    You wanted it to be or he did?

    Did you deny your pregnancy until 7 months in and why?

    Why are you scared that your family will literally ďkill youĒ?
    They have accepted your child without knowing who the father is. Why would revealing the father lead them to kill you???
    Who is the father and why is it so taboo?

    And why would the father not already suspect the child is his? Or were you sleeping around at the time ?

  4. #4
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    I think you should literally just contact him and tell him. He might be really upset because he didn't even know you were pregnant and had no choice in the matter but what's done is done and I think he deserves to know. He is the father after all and you've actually left it very long to tell him as it is. I don't think your family will "kill you", they would probably prefer to feel some peace as to who the father is. They might be thinking it was just a one night stand and that you don't even know. Best to tell everyone everything in my opinion.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    i didn't find out i was even pregnant until i was already 7 months into it.
    How could this happen? If you are sexually active and you're not getting a period surely your intuition would prompt you to get a pregnancy test?

    Why was this a "secret thing for years" if you were both single? Is he family?

    What are your ages? Yours and his!

  7. #6
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    Yes. For your daughterís sake, I think you need to tell him. Once she is old enough, she will have her own questions. Itís possible he could choose not to be a part of her life - but then thatís on him. If you donít tell him and he simply doesnít know, thatís on you and that could cause a huge rift between you and your daughter.

    The truth always has a way of coming out. I know itís hard because you havenít been upfront since the beginning - but it will only get harder with time, not easier.

    I think you should tell him. It doesnít matter how. In person, phone call, text message, carrier pigeon... it doesnít matter. (Obviously those are in diminishing order of desirability). Be prepared for him to have all the emotions - anger, hurt, disbelief, betrayal, etc - and take your lumps. Understand that he will have a hard time believing that you didnít know until 7 months along, as this is highly unusual. Give him space and time to process all the emotions. Youíve had months to come to terms with it all. He needs time to catch up. Donít take his reactions as personal or final (for now).

    In addition, I think you should give him the time and space to process before telling your family and friends. Let him process before he has to deal with family pressure and expectations, etc. In your shoes, I would tell him and then I would give it a month or two for him to process before telling others.

    To me, this is the most compassionate way to go about it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    If the families are now "at war" for no apparent reason, I'd venture a guess they suspect he is the (absent) father.

    Not all the responsibility to prevent a pregnancy is on you. Pills aren't 100% effective and if he so didn't want to father a child he could've used a condom. You don't have to approach him about this "tail between the legs" style like you effed up singlehandedly (I don't mean that having a child is effing up, but it's what he thought and maybe still does).

    Your child has a right to receive child support, and he is responsible for his sperm and for what he too allows to come from sowing his oats. Get a paternity test and get child support. Whether he wants visitation rights and is in a new relationship or not.

    Especially if your family are helping with the child and financial support, it's only fair the guy who was man enough to have intercourse the safety of which he didn't concern himself with beyond telling you you need to concern yourself with HIM not fathering a child, should bear at least the financial consequences of his choices. It is literally the money your child will need, not charity, not vengeance, not pity, not compensation. It's literally what he owes this child, and you owe it to the child to enforce it.

    I'm having the same questions as TWT btw.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    You don't have to approach him about this "tail between the legs" style like you effed up
    I would agree with you if she had not sat on the info for 6+ months.

    IMO - this is where she effed up and where she should be humble and apologetic. Not for the pregnancy. For withholding the info.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think it's relevant how the child was born or how it came into this world for the purposes of simplicity. To answer your exact question, you don't have to volunteer all the information at once to him on a silver platter. Just tell him the child is his and if he has half a heart he will ask you how that came to be. Then explain if you have to. There seems to be some clandestine relationship of sorts at the beginning and that's enough for me to understand that it wasn't appropriate at the time and it would be a shock to others if it were known now. This might be a little cold and besides the point (of course, the child is entitled to financial support- I agree with that) but it also begs the question: you've made it 3.5 years without any financial or emotional support from the father, OP. Why now? What are your actual intentions for letting him know now? You said that you are tired of people asking questions. The questions will stop eventually when you stop letting them get to you. I think only you can make this decision and if you do, just keep it simple and tell him the truth. What he does and does not do reflects on him as a person and YOU should continue being a strong and loving mother/parent to your daughter regardless of the outcome.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    you've made it 3.5 years without any financial or emotional support from the father, OP. Why now?.
    *3.5 months

    If Iím reading correctly, the child is just a little baby.

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