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Thread: Husbands Fantasies taking a toll on our marriage

  1. #1

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    Husbands Fantasies taking a toll on our marriage

    My husband and I have always had a very adventurous passionate sex life. We've been together for 7 years, and are still extremely attracted to each other. We've always been open with each other about our sexuality, and fantasies. He's always had this fantasy about seeing me with another man. I've always had a hard time with this one, because I love my husband, and I wouldn't ever want to share myself with anyone else but him. Not only does it go against what I believe as my own person, but I just could never do that to him. Recently during sex, I made up a story that I flirted with someone at work, and me thinking it would send him over the edge, said that we had sex. It has backfired on me like you wouldn't believe. He now thinks that this really happened, asking me details, his name, what we did. It's almost as if he needs this in order to get off. It's created a sexual aversion for me, and sex has become something that I just don't want anymore, because I can't go on with this lie. He needs it everyday, and when we do have sex, it's never enough. He's ready to go 10 minutes later, and wanting it again. If we don't have sex, he'll sit and masturbate at the thought. My sex drive was already having problems before this, and now the pressure of this fantasy has made it even harder. It's taking a toll on our marriage. He's completely obsessed. I hate just "doing it" to get him off. I feel like my husband can never just make love to "me." It's very painful. When I don't give him what he wants, he throws a fit, tells me that he can't be in a non-sexual marriage, and isolates himself. Help!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you actually said you lied, made it all up, it never happened?

  3. #3
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    Is there any particular reason why you can't communicate with your husband about any of this, the way you just communicated it to us?

    Including that what you told him did not happen, that it was just a fantasy?

    But all of it really, the way he and this entire situation makes you feel.

    Its great that you have such an exciting sex life and you're both still so attracted, but if you can't communicate about issues that trouble you, you have bigger problems than just this.

    Talk to him. Be honest. Time to be real.

  4. #4

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    Yes, I've told him it was just a fantasy. I cry everytime we make love because I can't handle the lie anymore. That's why it's hard for me to have sex with him.

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  6. #5

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    Whenever I tell him I didn't really do it, and that I love him and I would and could never do anything like that to "us", he tells me to "Shhh" he doesn't want to know. That it's just for "fun." It's not fun to me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Communication and sincerity is essential. You need to tell him the other man fantasy turns you off. That's all. You're his wife not a sex chatline. Be honest and dignified. He's get over it. Think of other fantasies that you can both enjoy.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by NessaG77
    Whenever I tell him I didn't really do it, and that I love him and I would and could never do anything like that to "us", he tells me to "Shhh" he doesn't want to know. That it's just for "fun." It's not fun to me.
    Ruin his fantasy to save your marriage.
    Or run with his fantasy and ruin your marriage.
    What are you going to do?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    "When I don't give him what he wants, he throws a fit, tells me that he can't be in a non-sexual marriage, and isolates himself. Help!"

    Tell him you can't be in a marriage where someone throws a fit when he doesn't get what he wants and isolates himself, instead of coming to a consensus with a mature discussion.

    Establish boundaries you're comfortable with. If he emotionally abuses you because it's his way or the highway, and you can't make any headway, you will need to seek marital therapy. Perhaps he has a sexual addiction and needs individual therapy. I would find this repetitive type of sex where only one thing gets him off to be very boring. Maybe if he gets therapy, you will be able to enjoy the many facets of sex innovative people can come up with.

    If he refuses therapy, you shouldn't live a life where you're upset the majority of the time. If he doesn't care about your happiness, is this someone you should stay with for a lifetime?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Andrina.

    I also think it's been very confusing for both parties because you took an active role in supporting that type of fantasy and roleplay. Be realistic with each other and respect each other enough to let go if he tries to manipulate you or undermine your feelings or concerns going forward. He sounds completely disillusioned and thinks that even the made up story is an indication of you showing interest in the roleplay aspect of it and he's not listening to any other concerns from you because it's just white noise. Sit down together and address this seriously (with your clothes on) and figure out the misunderstanding together. Go from there.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just my 2 cents but he has a sex addiction. Just like any addiction, he gets angry at even the thought not having it, and blames you for it with guilt and manipulation .This all about him having sex HIS WAY, and doesn't respect or has any regard for your feelings and what it's doing to you emotionally. That's abuse. Your sex drive is in a mess because of the way you are being treated. It's taking a psychological toll on you. I suggest counseling starting with you first, and then get him on board. Have a discussion, let him know what it's doing to you. If he refuses, won't listen or consider counseling...I would say start the process of separation. Do you really want to keep suffering, and resent him even more?

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