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Thread: Husbands Fantasies taking a toll on our marriage

  1. #11

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    Had these fantasies myself. And my ex wife actually did it (mfm) and went along with it. Although she always fantasized about multiple men as well. It went over fine for me. It was always because I thought she was so beautiful and wanted to watch her body move from an outside prespective. With her being my ex and all now I dont fantasize about that stuff with her. I just want her now, idk if the fantasies will ever come back if we got back together.

    Our marriage didnt break over this, not even close. Im so sorry you feel so pressured. That isnt right to take it to far if his fantasy isnt your fantasy. I know your trying to go along with it for his sake. Been there done that. Dont do anything you are not comfortable with.
    He should respect you as his wife its a different feeling to see your wife with someone else. Biologically men are meant to compete for breeding rights just like any other species. So its somewhat natural I guess??

  2. #12
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    I agree its a sex addiciton. Its one thing if you have not had sex in months. Its another if he just doesn't get sex every waking moment. If you have sex 2-5 times a week - he is nowhere near being deprived of anything. I think its quite sick, actually, marriage is about coming together, not fantasizing about your spouse choosing, flirting with or having sex with someone else and getting off on it. I would strongly recommend some form of counseling - but i would never lie to him again about flirting with someone else.

  3. #13
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Just my 2 cents but he has a sex addiction. Just like any addiction, he gets angry at even the thought not having it, and blames you for it with guilt and manipulation .This all about him having sex HIS WAY, and doesn't respect or has any regard for your feelings and what it's doing to you emotionally. That's abuse. Your sex drive is in a mess because of the way you are being treated. It's taking a psychological toll on you. I suggest counseling starting with you first, and then get him on board. Have a discussion, let him know what it's doing to you. If he refuses, won't listen or consider counseling...I would say start the process of separation. Do you really want to keep suffering, and resent him even more?
    - Yes, it sounds like sex addiction. This guy needs to learn to compromise and appreciate what you want. Maybe a counselor can get through to him. Relationships are give and take.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Why can't he continue masturbating during the times you don't want to have sex?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by NessaG77
    My husband and I have always had a very adventurous passionate sex life. We've been together for 7 years, and are still extremely attracted to each other. We've always been open with each other about our sexuality, and fantasies. He's always had this fantasy about seeing me with another man. I've always had a hard time with this one, because I love my husband, and I wouldn't ever want to share myself with anyone else but him. Not only does it go against what I believe as my own person, but I just could never do that to him. Recently during sex, I made up a story that I flirted with someone at work, and me thinking it would send him over the edge, said that we had sex. It has backfired on me like you wouldn't believe. He now thinks that this really happened, asking me details, his name, what we did. It's almost as if he needs this in order to get off. It's created a sexual aversion for me, and sex has become something that I just don't want anymore, because I can't go on with this lie. He needs it everyday, and when we do have sex, it's never enough. He's ready to go 10 minutes later, and wanting it again. If we don't have sex, he'll sit and masturbate at the thought. My sex drive was already having problems before this, and now the pressure of this fantasy has made it even harder. It's taking a toll on our marriage. He's completely obsessed. I hate just "doing it" to get him off. I feel like my husband can never just make love to "me." It's very painful. When I don't give him what he wants, he throws a fit, tells me that he can't be in a non-sexual marriage, and isolates himself. Help!
    Kinks and fantasies are tough. My wife and I are on different plans with it come to sexual relations, I have a higher drive than her. Biggest things are boundaries and communication. My wife has asked for a 3 way a few times and I politely told her no and explained my reasons; she understood and hasn't brought it up again. If you're clear and direct about your boundaries then he should understand your point of view. My wife and I are completely open in communication when it comes to sex, it helps so when we start "knocking boots" the boundaries are in place and the mood isn't ruined. When it comes to dirty talk during intercourse, again we're open and honest, if I start a fantasy and if it isn't working she'll shake her head and I come up with a new one; all trial and error. Sometimes I'll even say "What do you want tonight" and she'll request a fantasy and I'll roll with it. We've even tried fantasies where we both said "No" during sex; because it triggered bad memories. It's all about communication. I agree with everyone else about the sex addiction and it appears that there is another side to his personality that he's been hiding from you. My deep personal advice, talk with him and if you get a negative reaction then try therapy. I say this becasue his behavior is going to lead y'all down a road that I don't think you're ready for. I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating or tried to pressure you into physical sexual acts that you're uncomfortable with.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    "When I don't give him what he wants, he throws a fit, tells me that he can't be in a non-sexual marriage, and isolates himself. Help!"

    Tell him you can't be in a marriage where someone throws a fit when he doesn't get what he wants and isolates himself, instead of coming to a consensus with a mature discussion.

    Establish boundaries you're comfortable with. If he emotionally abuses you because it's his way or the highway, and you can't make any headway, you will need to seek marital therapy. Perhaps he has a sexual addiction and needs individual therapy. I would find this repetitive type of sex where only one thing gets him off to be very boring. Maybe if he gets therapy, you will be able to enjoy the many facets of sex innovative people can come up with.

    If he refuses therapy, you shouldn't live a life where you're upset the majority of the time. If he doesn't care about your happiness, is this someone you should stay with for a lifetime?
    I agree completely with this post. To me, his inability to talk about your differences like adults is the biggest problem. A problem in a marriage can have a simple to fix, but if one side doesn't want to fix it (or isn't willing), it might as well be the most significant marital issue ever.

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