Friend: Shes feeling sad v's Pushing me away

So my friend lives in another country, we've known each other for 3 years. Recently we were talking ever day pretty much.

We started sending each other things.

For her birthday 2 weeks ago, I sent her a few fun things, a unicorn teddy (she loves unicorns), hand written note and a card.

She loved it and I told her of plans I'd made to visit Milan for my birthday this year (she now lives there). She was really happy about these plans and wanted to spend alot of time together.

Now 1 week ago she was on holiday travelling and was robbed; money, phone and passport. She had to buy a new phone. She put on a brave face about it but really, I know she was upset and depressed because literally all her pictures, videos, everything for years was on that phone. She told me she was really upset about it and we spoke about it.

Recently shes not talked much at all but is on social media alot. I know she talks to her friends over Instagram, WhatsApp and stuff, so I'm left wondering what's wrong.... did I mess up somewhere, is she trying to subtly tell me she doesn't want to meet, is she pushing me away.

Questions....

But then she messaged me 4 days ago, excited, telling me she checked her work rota and told me all the days we can spend together.

Then 3 days ago, her Male friend split up with his girlfriend and at 12 midnight, she went to him with drinks, told me shes going to support him, give him 2 bottles of vodka and he'll be fine.

The day afterwards she tells me shes saving 1 of the fun birthday gifts I got her, for when I'm there. Then she tells me she has a really sad mood. I told her we can talk about it if she wants... she told me she wants to, but not today because of her mood... I told her to message me when she wants to talk again.... she said she would.

I dont know if shes pushing me away or just really feeling sad about things and wants to confide in her friends and talk to me when shes feeling better. This reduced talking started after she was robbed.

We didn't message at all today. I figure it's best to give her time.

I just dont know how long? If it's been 3-4+ days, do I message her or not?

Or if she doesn't message, should I just assume it was her way of pushing me away without actually straight telling me.

Why not message her and say hi, how are you doing? Hope you are well. Or something like that. See if she responds.

Why not message her and say hi, how are you doing? Hope you are well. Or something like that. See if she responds.

It's only been 2 days not talking, so I thought maybe it's too early.

I also said I would wait for her to message me, so would me messaging her, just come across as a clingy needy friend?

I mean theres been about 6+ days in a row where shes just massively reduced talking. Also seeming quite short at times, like 1-3 word messages... and other times more words in several messages at once.

It's just really confusing

Do you think you have a crush on her/wish you were dating, but she only sees you as a friend? She appears to treat you as a friend.

Have you ever met in person or is this an online friendship? How old are both of you?

Have you ever met in person or is this an online friendship? How old are both of you?

I think I previously did wish we were dating, but I'd never ask someone to do that over WhatsApp, only in person.

But I value our conversations more, just talking and having fun.

I dont have any immediate family, no aunties or uncles either. I've always felt quite isolated, even though I would never say that aloud. Socially I enjoy meeting people but texting I'm bad at with almost everyone. So when I talk to someone and texting is good, I'm just happy. And then maybe I text too much. It could be the problem here.

I remember 3 years ago, a previous girlfriends mom and dad died and she attempted suicide 4 times, each time I saved her, she hated me more and more. Eventually she told me to kill myself multiple times, cheated 3 times, beat me and when I finally left her, she stalked me for 5 months, trying to contact me day and night, just to send me abusive messages.

Then my best friend 1 day, told me he will commit suicide after Christmas and I talked about other stuff because I couldn't put myself in a similar position, helping someone who feels suicidal. Then came Christmas. Apparently he died just after Christmas meal with his family.

So basically, relationships scare me. Labeling someone as a friend makes me kinda nervous depending on their personality. I prefer to just talk alot with people I get along with; that's the category I'd put her in.

I'm 27 and she is 24. We met in Canada 3 years ago, spent alit of time together there and exchanged contact details.

Thanks for added info. Have you tried talking out those concerns with someone you trust? Some people prefer confidential, trained professionals and others prefer family or friends or someone they can turn to but I don't think suicide is something that the regular layperson (or average person) knows how to deal with. I feel like you're projecting a lot of care and thought into this friendship and it doesn't (I don't mean disrespect) warrant that much thought or care. She may be a friend of sorts but she does live in another country and she has her own friends and family in person to talk to. You're just don't seem to be that high on her priority list. The tracking on social media has to stop too. I'm saying this only because you seem confused about why she's not responding as much. She is far too important to you than you are to her in the larger picture. It might be best to balance this out with hobbies and meeting more people where you are, leaving this friendship for now and getting a better perspective about where you stand.

You need to feel good about yourself in fulfilling relationships. This doesn't particularly strike me as a fulfilling relationship or friendship. The long distance nature and three years since meeting suggests to me that you two might need to grow or give yourselves a chance to grow/don't stunt each other.

Thanks for added info. Have you tried talking out those concerns with someone you trust? Some people prefer confidential, trained professionals and others prefer family or friends or someone they can turn to but I don't think suicide is something that the regular layperson (or average person) knows how to deal with. I feel like you're projecting a lot of care and thought into this friendship and it doesn't (I don't mean disrespect) warrant that much thought or care. She may be a friend of sorts but she does live in another country and she has her own friends and family in person to talk to. You're just don't seem to be that high on her priority list. The tracking on social media has to stop too. I'm saying this only because you seem confused about why she's not responding as much. She is far too important to you than you are to her in the larger picture. It might be best to balance this out with hobbies and meeting more people where you are, leaving this friendship for now and getting a better perspective about where you stand.

 

You need to feel good about yourself in fulfilling relationships. This doesn't particularly strike me as a fulfilling relationship or friendship. The long distance nature and three years since meeting suggests to me that you two might need to grow or give yourselves a chance to grow/don't stunt each other.

This girl was the person I confided in about the relationship stuff with my ex, so that's why to me, the friendship means alot.

It's not something I would willingly talk about to people in person or over the phone and I certainly wouldn't to someone I didn't already know. I have a lot of different feelings and emotions about it all.... ashamed, disrespected, sad, feeling stupid, feeling to blame.

The ex girlfriend recently messaged me, she finally understood what she did was wrong. But she said she will always be in debt to me because I saved her life and now shes doing better and has a kid.

I feel like I put up a mental wall when I meet / talk to people. Hide away all the stuff behind a smile and just be how I was. Then over time talking to people, maybe they begin to realise. So maybe my method of dealing with things is the problem.

My problem with leaving this friendship is that she arranged my hotel for my birthday trip to the city. So if we dont talk, then I will feel worse. I dont want to cancel the trip but at the same time, I dont want to be alone again. But if this hardly any talking continues for a long time, then I would be really stuck

I would back off and give her all the time and space she wants. She'll either come around or there is your answer. You can't force friendship. It's either there or it isn't. She'll let you know when and if she's ready to be friends again and if she fades out of your life, friendship wasn't meant to be. You have to accept that it takes two parties to make any relationship work and you can't be doing all the work to keep the friendship afloat.

I've been robbed and it took me a while to get over it. It's such a violation, hassle to acquire new ID all over again, cancel credit card accounts and there are feelings of embitterment. Most definitely. We all learn from our mistakes and how to prevent from becoming victims of crime and theft again.

Don't bother her anymore. Drop her a message after a week and if she lacks enthusiasm to be your friend, then let her go. Be realistic and don't set yourself up for further disappointment. Follow her cue and go your own way in this life.