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Thread: LONG but pls read - General boyfriend rant because I dont know what to do.

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    LONG but pls read - General boyfriend rant because I dont know what to do.

    Hello, any advice would be greatly appreciated :) a bit of backstory... Me and my boyfriend got together October 2017, he's 29 and i'm 21, he lives in london and i live 3 hours away from him, he has a 2 year old baby with his ex (he knows i love babies so this was never an issue for me) I know this isn't healthy but we have 'broken up' multiple times in the short time we have been together and it's always because we argue about the same things: Firstly, His family and his baby's mum not knowing I exist for 15 months (until recently but i will get to that) - every time we argue about it he fails to understand how much it upsets me that his ex has a better relationship with his family than i do. He knows him getting on with my family and me getting on with his is very importnant to me and in regards to his ex i wanted her to know ASAP out of respect for her and i also would LOVE to meet his baby. He doesn't understand how shady it makes him look that he's kept me a secret for so long. His reason is that he didn't want to introduce me to anyone until he felt secure in the relationship and that he's never felt secure. I will be the first person to say when i'm in the wrong but i can hand on heart say that i have given him all of me and always made it clear to him that i'm not going anywhere. He's my first boyfriend and my first love and all i've ever done is shower him with love, affection and gifts and made it clear that i will love his baby like she was my own but he thinks that because we argue our relationship isn't secure. He's said multipe times that he wants a relationship with no arguments and i always tell him that no one would like to be treated the way i'm being treated so of course its going to cause arguements. I just think how can any relationship be secure if 1 person is kept a secret and is only involved in 1% of the other persons life? he told me i wasnt allowed to post photos of us on my social media in case his mum saw them (how if she doesnt know i exist?) and we're not allowed to follow eachother / be friends on any social media. He's met my friends and family and i invite him to everything but he never wants to come or never speaks to them / makes an effort so i dont think its me making the relationship not secure.

    The second reason we argue is because since about 2 months into the relationship he does this thing where he doesnt reply to me for days / weeks and literally just goes off the radar without any warning - If we lived in the same city it would be fine that he doesnt reply to my texts because we'd see eachother regularly but at the moment we literally see eachother not even once a month so the only communication we have is text. We can only speak on the phone when is convienient for him because his work schedule is all over the place so i can never call him randomly and i always have to ask 'Can you call me?'. He also wont call me when he is in his house because he still lives with his parents and obviously he doesnt want them knowing about me. when he goes off the radar i get the saaame excuses everyy timeeeee - "i'm busy", "i'm working" "i'm ill", "i've been asleep" and my response is always so when you're on the toilet, eating, in between lessons (he coaches tennis - i've watched him coach and have seen he goes on his phone inbetween lessons) when you've just woke up or just about to go to sleep you cant take 5 seconds to send a text saying something like "can't talk right now will speak to you later" or ask how i am or something? and he always says no he can't do that because he doesn't have time.

    And the last reason we argued is because for about a year he showed me no affection and i felt so empty, i would tell him i loved him all the time and he'd never say it back, i'd buy him presents for no reason, i'd plan weekends away for us. I brought it up to him so many times and he'd always just say 'you know i love you, i wouldn't be with you if i didn't love you' and somehow i thought that was enough reassurance for me. Recently he has got better and i understand that he hasn't been brought up to be affectionate so he's just a cold person by nature. Basically it has been a contstant cycle of him doing something that he KNOWS will upset me, me getting angry, him getting angry that i'm angry then him saying that he can't do it any more because i'm 'controlling' him by asking him not to do the things that he knows upset me.

    Anyway.....Most recently we 'broke up' in January this year due to a few reasons: he didn't speak to me for 2 weeks (for the 10000th time), still none of his family knew about me after 15 months, he'd always told me he didnt have instagram but then i found out he just had me blocked which is why i could never find his account (i know social media isnt a big deal but it just adds to the shadiness and makes it seem like he's hiding something and why lie about something so small as that?) and the icing on the cake was that he had told me he wasnt with his ex over christmas but thanks to social media and some detective work i found out his ex and their baby were with him and his family in london over christmas. At this point alarm bells were ringing and i felt like i couldn't trust him (this was difficult because at the start of the relationship i trusted him sooo much and the thought of him cheating never even crossed my mind but he has completely broken that trust because of how shady he is). He'd already lied to me before about seeing her and i told him not to lie to me again so this was like a punch in the face. He said he didn't tell me because he knew i'd go in a mood and he didn't want to ruin his christmas. Yes, i wouldn't have been thrilled to know they are all playing happy families while i'm left out once again but i wouldve got over it within a few days but now i can never get over the fact he lied to me. So after i found out, I had to know if something was going on with him and his ex and i wasnt getting an reassurance from him so I messaged her and she was so lovely and cleared things up for me which is how she finally found out about me and then she told his mum which is how his family found out. After that, I told him i knew that he lied to me, broke up with him and told him not to contact me again because i'd had enough of everything and was sick of same thing happening over and over again. but of course after 1 month of me trying to move on with no contact he sent me a facebook message asking to meet up and me being the young and stupid 21 year old girl i am, i agreed. Long story short, we talked it out that night and then came to the agreement that at the moment he needs to focus on his business so he can have more free time for me in the future and that he just cant put 100% into the relationship at the moment but he only wants me. We agreed to not speak for another month so he could focus on work and then we met up after that month and it was like a 1st date again and we had a really nice time.We did that twice and it was going well but then we started speaking more over text and it got pretty intense again within a short amount of time, we saw eachother 2 weeks ago and of course it was only a matter of time before the arguments started again so yeah that wasn't great but we resolved it after that.

    What brought me here is that he went to LA just over a week ago and wasnt giving me any sort of update on if he was ok or even asking if i was ok and just generally not responding to me but i didnt get angry because i knew he was on holiday and obviously there is an 8 hour time difference. But he's now been back for 4 days and i've been trying to contact him, i got 1 response 4 days ago saying hes jet lagged but thats it. I just think if you claim to love someone, even if we're not officially back together, you should at least want to know how they are or what they're up to even if you can't have a full on conversation with them. Not to be morbid but i could be dead for all he knows and he hasn't bothered to check up on me whereas when he doesnt respond i get worried sick that somethings happened to him. I have never understood how he can see my messages come through and just not reply? Just as 1 example - I suffer with bad health anxiety which he knows and there have been many occasions when i have been crying or feeling awful and sent him a message looking for some comfort and he's read the messages, ignored them and never checked if i was ok.

    I'm just at a point now where i'm seeing that he's not going to change for anyone and his business will alwasy be his priority and thats not a bad thing and i'm sure there are women that will be more than okay with the lack of communcation and affection but it's just not for me. I'm sick of not getting back what i put into the relationship. However, even though i know this relationship isn't right for me i just can not walk away, that month after i broke up with him was the best i've ever done and i felt like i eventually going to get over it but i ruined that by going to meet him. I just don't know why he keeps doing this to me, he's said himself so many times that he's never going to be the man i want him to be, that he cant give me what i want and that he wants me to find someone better and that his business is his priority but then when i try to end it he always manages to worm his way back into my life, then he's nice for a week and then he switches back to his old ways and the cycle begins again. It's like he just wants to keep me close for when he's ready to settle down because he knows i'm a good girlfriend and he wants me in the future. I've tried being angry, i've tried being nice, i've tried being sad, i've tried treating him how he treats me but that doesn't last because i feel like i'm hurting him even though he clearly doesn't care that he's hurting me, i've tried talking to him calmly, i've tried giving him the silent treatment, i have tried every single approach to try to get my point across and to make this work but i feel like i'm at a dead end now and that we should've given up a long time ago. I know I'm stupid for still giving him the time of day, i don't need to be told that, but its easier said than done. i'd just like to know peoples thoughts on the subject and how other people with more life experience would handle it and if i'm over reacting! Thanks for reading :)
    Last edited by melp1997; 04-27-2019 at 01:53 PM.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Please break into paragraphs.

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    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Everything you've said in your post screams that you're not a priority in his life. You're not even in the top ten important things in his life.

    The question is...why do you keep pursuing a relationship that is so one-sided? Don't you owe it to yourself to find someone who loves and respects you enough to be proud to call you his girlfriend?

    You're beating a dead horse here.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm just at a point now where i'm seeing that he's not going to change for anyone and his business will alwasy be his priority and thats not a bad thing and i'm sure there are women that will be more than okay with the lack of communcation and affection but it's just not for me. I'm sick of not getting back what i put into the relationship. However, even though i know this relationship isn't right for me i just can not walk away, that month after i broke up with him was the best i've ever done and i felt like i eventually going to get over it but i ruined that by going to meet him. I just don't know why he keeps doing this to me, he's said himself so many times that he's never going to be the man i want him to be, that he cant give me what i want and that he wants me to find someone better and that his business is his priority but then when i try to end it he always manages to worm his way back into my life, then he's nice for a week and then he switches back to his old ways and the cycle begins again.
    This is the only relevant paragraph IMO. The rest is just fluff that enforces the fact that you are with a man that you are incompatible with but you don't have the emotional maturity or love of self to walk away and block and delete him so that he can't hoover you back for more non committal and indifference to your end dating goals.

    You are wasting valuable dating years on a user who knows what you want, tells you he will never be able to be the man you need but is so very self-absorbed, selfish and narcissisitic that he goes back and takes what he knows you are to weak to resist. A man of honour would leave you alone and even go as far as blocking you from reaching him when he knows he'll never give you what you want and need.

    I suggest you leave him AGAIN and this time get yourself into therapy so that you figure out, with the help of a therapist why you don't think you deserve a good man that wants to include you in his life. This guy is just a user and will take what you're so willingly giving. Stop being that girl.

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    Everything you've said is right, he knows I can't and won't say no to him.

    I always knew the hardest part would be saying no if he wanted to meet up and it was, I was hoping he would just leave me alone.

    Thank you for your advice

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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Everything you've said in your post screams that you're not a priority in his life. You're not even in the top ten important things in his life.

    The question is...why do you keep pursuing a relationship that is so one-sided? Don't you owe it to yourself to find someone who loves and respects you enough to be proud to call you his girlfriend?

    You're beating a dead horse here.
    I keep telling myself that if I love him I have to deal with it even though I know thats not how it should be

    Thank you :)

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melp1997
    Everything you've said is right, he knows I can't and won't say no to him.

    I always knew the hardest part would be saying no if he wanted to meet up and it was, I was hoping he would just leave me alone.

    Thank you for your advice
    Melp: Please block and delete him from all means of contacting you and don't be afraid to get that therapy. Love yourself enough to invest in yourself. We all deserve to be with someone that loves and values us. Get yourself to the stage where you know you are the prize that any good man would be proud to be with and if they don't treat you like you are a prize, then have the confidence and self love to dump them quickly so that you are free in mind and heart to find that good man.

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    He doesn’t want a relationship, not with you or anyone else.
    It’s very convenient for him that you live 3 hours away. If you lived down the road your “relationship” would have been over a year ago.
    You see him 12 times a year?!
    So really breaking up with him wouldn’t have much impact on your daily life.
    So you tell us ....why is it so hard to walk away? What are you afraid of?

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    He doesn’t want a relationship, not with you or anyone else.
    It’s very convenient for him that you live 3 hours away. If you lived down the road your “relationship” would have been over a year ago.
    You see him 12 times a year?!
    So really breaking up with him wouldn’t have much impact on your daily life.
    So you tell us ....why is it so hard to walk away? What are you afraid of?

    Yeah either he doesn't want a relationship or he doesn't have time to make a relationship a priority, either way why does he keep coming back to me and won't just let me move on

    Sometimes we see eachother twice in 1 month but then don't see eachother for another 2 months after that so i'm not sure how many times we've seen each other lol

    No it wouldn't affect my daily life at all but I do still love him and have fallen for him hard. I hate the thought of him and myself with other people it makes me feel sick but I know i'll get over that eventually. I had my whole life planned out with him and it's hard letting go of that, I know I'm young but I know what I want and i'm still holding on to the hope that things will get better once he's less busy with work and that one day he will be how he was at the very start of the relationship and when we were just getting to know eachother (although part of me thinks he was just telling me what i wanted to hear to win me over) I thought because he's older he would have his life sorted out and would be ready to settle down because I would want to be settled down at his age but obviously I was completely wrong.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melp1997
    Yeah either he doesn't want a relationship or he doesn't have time to make a relationship a priority, either way why does he keep coming back to me and won't just let me move on
    Because you let him.

    Sometimes we see eachother twice in 1 month but then don't see eachother for another 2 months after that so i'm not sure how many times we've seen each other
    Sounds like a booty call to me.

    No it wouldn't affect my daily life at all but I do still love him and have fallen for him hard.
    I think its rather that you are addicted to the drama, the sex and the uncertainty. In order to love someone (true love, not lust and addiction to it) you have to be made to feel special, you have to have mutual bonding past the sexual, you have to be made to feel loved. What in all of those things do you get fro him?

    I hate the thought of him and myself with other people it makes me feel sick but I know i'll get over that eventually.
    You could have been over it all by now if you had blocked him, had you ACCEPTED that he wasn't going to ever make you happy. What good is loving someone if you are not loved back or when the person you love makes you always be wanting?

    I had my whole life planned out with him and it's hard letting go of that, I know I'm young but I know what I want and i'm still holding on to the hope that things will get better once he's less busy with work and that one day he will be how he was at the very start of the relationship and when we were just getting to know eachother (although part of me thinks he was just telling me what i wanted to hear to win me over)
    Typical behaviour during the new relationship energy stage. You were ignoring a whole bunch of red flags during the honeymoon stage. I hope you have learned a lesson from all of this so you don't repeat in the future.

    I thought because he's older he would have his life sorted out and would be ready to settle down because I would want to be settled down at his age but obviously I was completely wrong.
    What is important now that you don't ignore what you know is wrong and base your continuing on with somene on hope.

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