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Thread: Ex turned friends with benefits and itís hurting me

  1. #1

    Ex turned friends with benefits and itís hurting me

    I have been depressed for a long long time because of family problems and an abusive mother, however things have picked up because I managed to get into an extremely good university in my country.

    I met this boy online, and we clicked instantly, and i thought he was wonderful. We had the same ideals, we both loved to stay in and do nothing and despite him being a dropout pursuing e-sports and me being an undergraduate, i didnít really care because i believed in him and to me he was very smart. the one thing is that, during our relationship, he never told me that he loved me, because he really didnít love me. he would think it was weird if i said i loved him, but i couldnít help it because i really did. however despite this he told everyone i was his girlfriend. i never told anyone in my life that he was my boyfriend because i wasnít unhappy he didnít love me.

    however though he doesnít love me i still stuck because i thought as long as we were together, he would love me eventually, and he believed in that too. but another problem is that, i can never tell him about any of my depression problems. he wouldnít accept it. at first he accepted it, then he started to care less and less and then eventually when we broke up, he told me it was annoying and that depression was hard to love. he also told me that one of his close female friends told him to leave me because of my depression and how iíd act out sometimes (as in say many negative things) when i was very sad.

    all i really wanted was to love someone and be loved and return. i donít need fancy dates, i donít need my boyfriend to be very handsome or to dress nice. i donít even need him to celebrate my birthday. all i want is a simple loving relationship, is it too much to ask?

    now after we broke up he talked about being friends with benefits and i agreed. he is now seeing other girls, which strangely i donít mind because i think, as long as he is happy, and he has no emotional attachment to other girls. however he is actively searching for a new girlfriend, that much i know.

    i am trying my best to let go of him and to break out of the friends with benefits thing. i am very sad that i am not good enough for him. it makes me doubt my looks and abilities, but one good thing that has come out of this is that it has forced me to realise that my depression has to stop now before it further stunts me from forming stable relationships.

    i am very lost now and am having finals in a few days. i am very sad and tonight is one of the worst nights as i cry and type this out. i miss my ex and havenít spoken to him in a week, but he said he wanted to meet me next week and i think i might call it off because this hanging on with friends with benefits is hurting me.

    i am also afraid that i will never find a person that can be as compatible with me as he is. i feel very sad and depressed and donít know what to do.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    Are you in your doctors or therapists care to help you to overcome your depression? If not, why not? I think once you have your depression under control you will realize that you deserve more than to be someone's sex friend while they search for a girlfriend.

    As Rue Paul says: "Girl, if you don't love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love someone else?" The person you think you love is not worth your emotions. Please love yourself and muster up the resolve that you are not going to contact the guy you've been allowing to use you as filler. Know you can do better.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Please concentrate on your exams, you have a good future ahead of you , donít jeopardise it for this guy.

    His decision to not pursue a relationship with you has no reflection on you. At all!!

    When you start dating another eventually , remember that staying in and doing nothing, is not dating. Itís simply allowing another to hang out without any effort whatsoever. Friendships donít start off like that and neither do relationships.

    It sounds to me like he enabled your depression by simply staying at home doing nothing.
    Surely you have some interests in life that involve leaving the house?
    Perhaps you were afraid to suggest them because really you two were incompatible?

    Oh and you owe him nothing. Not even a text to cancel meeting him.

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Only treatment for your depression will help you. You are sinking further into depression by being with this guy. Get to a doctor and a therapist for help.


  6. #5
    thank you so much for your words of advice. i am currently seeing a therapist right now, and she is helping a lot. i plan to see her after my finals end. i just need some mechanism to cope, that i wonít be always seeking affection unnecessarily from people who donít love me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Ex turned friends with benefits and itís hurting me
    The guy didn't "turn" FWB, you turned him into one. So un-turning him would be the place to start.

    Head high, and respect yourself.

  8. #7
    Member DimaDemerzel's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Oh, noo..

    There are so many red flags about this person and relationship.. Let's just start off by saying you need to leave and focus on yourself. This is a very damaging interaction to be having, especially when depressed.
    First of all, remember this for future relationships now that hopefully you understand: If they don't love you back in the time-frame that is acceptable for you to get to love them, they probably won't end up loving you, no matter how much you wait.
    I have nothing against drop-outs or people trying to pursue 'lazier' careers, like e-sports. In fact, if I could be a Twitch streamer or something similar, I would do it with all my heart, in an instant. However, this person genuinely doesn't seem like someone willing to improve their person at all, and like.. just lazy about most everything, including the relationship.

    Don't stay with someone who calls your depression annoying! Not just because it's a wrong way to be treated, but if they really believe that then they just won't be able to help, nor be happy themselves in the relationship. No-one wins here.
    he also told me that one of his close female friends told him to leave me because of my depression and how iíd act out sometimes (as in say many negative things) when i was very sad.
    Did he offer convincing reassurance that he disagrees with her, and that he supports you and isn't critically bothered by your occasional lashing out? I bet not so much. If he can't even be someone you talk to about your problems, then that's not even a good friend, let alone a good lover.

    Friend, you two are not compatible. This is not a good person to have around you. You'll understand this when you find someone that actually cares about both of you actually improving your lives, and actively supporting each other. This boy is searching for someone else and he obviously doesn't care about your well-being, and doesn't sound like he ever has much. Go focus on your exams, your hobbies and getting yourself in a better condition - you'll move on from him with time. I think not even that much time, to be honest. Trust that you are really not missing out by not having him in your life anymore. Don't let people like this drag you down.

    Don't hesitate to ask more questions or describe more of what you think if you find yourself in difficulty with the process! I'll be listening. Best of luck! ♥

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