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am i doing the right thing


michkath

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please don't send me anything nasty - im only on here for some dating advice

 

iv been dating this guy since February and things are going extremely well and I do like him

we haven't spoken about making it official or anything as well weve only been dating since feb and we both are not in any rush - we are enjoying things

 

anyways the past week has been really bad both of us were given really bad news I was given some horrible health news and have to have a operation & well him -

One of his good friends ended his life ( he rang me in tears ) I said im here for him if he needs anything ect

then another one of his good friends was involved in a bad crash. I really feel bad for him : (

I don't hear from him much since all this has happened - I do now and again check on how he is and I notice he reads my messages and just ignores me OR if he responds its quiet aggressive kinda taking out his anger out on me kinda thing

 

Am I doing the right thing by giving him some space? and checking up on him now and again or? because he also said he felt suicidal at one stage - this is such a shame this has happened to him

 

I hope im doing the right thing?

 

I always seem to put peoples feeling before my own kinda thing and people I care about

 

 

Hopefully someone on here has been through the same boat as me and can give me some advice ect

 

Thank you x

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First, don’t take his aggressive responses personally... this is how he is dealing with his grief. That said, I absolutely think giving him space is a great idea as you don’t need to be target practice for his anger and it sounds like he is too overwhelmed to think about dating right now.

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michkath, what he's going through is tough for sure, however and jmo but I think him ignoring you and/or lashing out at you is unacceptable -- especially given that YOU are dealing with a very serious issue too, re your health, serious enough that you require surgery even.

 

Is this of no importance him? Apparently not. I'm sorry.

 

Again, assuming what he's told you is even true (given how's he's behaving who the hell knows), he should be there for you too. Not ignoring you, lashing out for goodness sakes.

 

He sounds very selfish. His mindset --- me, me me, my problems, don't care about yours, what you are dealing w too. Your health, your surgery, ugh!

 

Nevermind him, let him deal.

 

I think you need space. To focus on you, your health, your upcoming surgery and surrounding yourself w a good support system with those who care about you regardless of whatever they're going through.

 

You don't deserve to be ignored or lashed out at.. And again, I'm sorry.

 

How are you doing? When is your surgery?

 

I hope it all goes well!!!

 

Take care of you. xx

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michkath, what he's going through is tough for sure, however and jmo but I think him ignoring you and/or lashing out at you is unacceptable -- especially given that YOU are dealing with a very serious issue too, re your health, serious enough that you require surgery even.

 

Is this of no importance him? Apparently not. I'm sorry.

 

Again, assuming what he's told you is even true (given how's he's behaving who the hell knows), he should be there for you too. Not ignoring you, lashing out for goodness sakes.

 

He sounds very selfish. His mindset --- me, me me, my problems, don't care about yours, what you are dealing w too. Your health, your surgery, ugh!

 

Nevermind him, let him deal.

 

I think you need space. To focus on you, your health, your upcoming surgery and surrounding yourself w a good support system with those who care about you regardless of whatever they're going through.

 

You don't deserve to be ignored or lashed out at.. And again, I'm sorry.

 

How are you doing? When is your surgery?

 

I hope it all goes well!!!

 

Take care of you. xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you katrina by the way for thinking about my feelings I really do appreciate it - I got the letter this week that my recent scan didn't show good news and I have to come in to discuss a op ( So there is no date for this op yet but it was discussed before the scan if it showed anything )

 

Iv showed a friend the aggressive texts I got from him and she said I know he is going through alot but the way his spoken to you is not on considering youre also going through health issues - so I think I best back off for now and see if he calms down abit - grieth can make everyone go through weird emotions which I completely understand

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Just out of curiosity and clarity, did he tell you about his friend committing suicide and another friend's car crash after you told him about your health issue and surgery?

 

If you told him prior to him telling you about these tragedies, how did he respond ?

 

Was he supportive, did he try to comfort you?

 

In any event, yeah, take space, lots of.

 

For YOU.

 

I hope you feel and get better soon ((hugs)!

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I just re-read your original post michkath, your relationship is only two months old, since February.

 

I could be wrong, I often am, but I think it's possible your health crisis, surgery was (is) too much for him to deal with at this very early stage, regardless of whatever is happening in his life.

 

Best to focus on you, your health. Getting better.

 

I would not be reaching out to him under any circumstance..

 

The ball is in his court as far as that goes.

 

Somehow the main focus of this situation seems to be on him, when imo it should be on you and your health, and getting better.

 

Please take care of you, and again hope you feel and get better soon.

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Just out of curiosity and clarity, did he tell you about his friend committing suicide and another friend's car crash after you told him about your health issue and surgery?

 

If you told him prior to him telling you about these tragedies, how did he respond ?

 

Was he supportive, did he try to comfort you?

 

In any event, yeah, take space, lots of.

 

For YOU.

 

I hope you feel and get better soon ((hugs)!

 

 

 

Saddly that all happened in 1 week for the poor lad THEN after that my bad letter came about my health which I sadly told him I wanted to be up front about it and he said you will be ok youre in good hands you have the right people supporting you. So I don't think what you said that my health put him off he didn't seem that effected by that. Perhaps more about his mates.

And yes we are in a new relationship only started dating in feb so were not official.

But his been really open and honest about his friend on the phone to me in tears and admitted in past he wanted to kill himself too. So obviously im really concerned about him. I do like him of course. Im also a kind person and will always support someone who I care about no matter how long I know someone.

 

 

The last I heard from him was 2 days ago. He completely ignored my message.

 

I am giving him space like everyone is suggested and focusing on myself. And hopefully he comes round in a few days time.

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Ok sweetie, clearly given his admission that he has or had suicidal fantasies, his friend's passing hit him hard.

 

So there's lots going on under the surface.

 

It's also quite obvious you are a very kind caring supportive person, but it's important you receive that back in return too.

 

Even if it's not on the same level you are being supportive, you certainly don't deserve being ignored.

 

It cannot be all one-sided that's not healthy.

 

Anyway, given his suicide fantasy admission, his issues go deeper than what's on surface and you are doing the right thing by taking space and focusing on you.

 

I hope he comes around and contacts you soon too.

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I just re-read your original post michkath, your relationship is only two months old, since February.

 

I could be wrong, I often am, but I think it's possible your health crisis, surgery was (is) too much for him to deal with at this very early stage, regardless of whatever is happening in his life.

 

Best to focus on you, your health. Getting better.

 

I would not be reaching out to him under any circumstance..

 

The ball is in his court as far as that goes.

 

Somehow the main focus of this situation seems to be on him, when imo it should be on you and your health, and getting better.

 

Please take care of you, and again hope you feel and get better soon.

 

The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.

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The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.

I second this post.

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The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.

 

I agree with you smackie, the post you quoted essentially said same, just worded in a different way.

 

Perhaps not as clear as yours.

 

But yeah, two month old relationship, much too soon and heavy for him to be dealing with her health issue, and too soon for her to help him too.

 

When I first read OP's post I missed it was only two months, I had mistakenly assumed it was much longer.

 

Anyway, agree, taking space is the best thing for both.

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The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.

 

 

 

I would just like to clarify incorrect post you said -

 

1 of his friends passed away from sucide

1 of his friends was involved in a bad crash still alive he had a awful car crash from my understanding his in hospital and his visted him

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Ok sweetie, clearly given his admission that he has or had suicidal fantasies, his friend's passing hit him hard.

 

So there's lots going on under the surface.

 

It's also quite obvious you are a very kind caring supportive person, but it's important you receive that back in return too.

 

Even if it's not on the same level you are being supportive, you certainly don't deserve being ignored.

 

It cannot be all one-sided that's not healthy.

 

Anyway, given his suicide fantasy admission, his issues go deeper than what's on surface and you are doing the right thing by taking space and focusing on you.

 

I hope he comes around and contacts you soon too.

 

 

I do hope he seeks the help he needs.

Feeling suicidal is not a great feeling.

Like you say it’s a lot deeper then that obviously.

 

Iv given him space like all have suggested.

 

And yes we are new dating.

And I’m also glad In away his been very upfront and open about all this considering it’s only new dating. Perhaps that shows his comfy around me.

 

But I do have to focus on myself and my health too.

 

Hopefully he comes around soon.

And all is well.

 

 

Thanks x x

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Sorry this is happening. Yes, focus solely on yourself and your health right now. You've only dated 10 or so weeks and are not "official", therefore you do not have to be his whipping post or cheerleader. Never set a precedence that "lashing out" is in any way ok. It's a red flag and an indicator of poor coping skills, lack of respect for you or just a lousy disposition.

 

Leave him alone. Stop "checking up" on him. If he wanted your support, he would contact you and be civilized, not just respond if and when he wants and dumping anger on you. He could be going through a lot, he could be simply losing interest. Probably both.

 

Pull way back. Reflect and decide if when you are going through your own difficulties you want someone so unsympathetic that he ignores you, just lashes out at and anger dumps on you.

I don't hear from him much since all this has happened - I do now and again check on how he is and I notice he reads my messages and just ignores me OR if he responds its quiet aggressive kinda taking out his anger out on me kinda thing.

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Let me just pile it on higher and deeper. Him lashing out at you when you reach out and ask if he needs anything, is a cue to back off. Disengage, and move on. Two months is too soon to expect anyone (you or him) to take on major life issues, but this cruel behavior is not something you need to take on, long term.

 

I absolutely appreciate your efforts to be his "rock" and offer help out, but you have your own issues, and you won't be able to maintain that in light of your own issues.

 

He clearly isn't on board with helping you out with your issues, and he isn't on board with you helping him with his.

 

It's an unfortunate set of circumstances, and I think it's time for you to let sleeping dogs lie and move on. You have reached out several times, and between him lashing out and pure avoidance, the answer is clear...LET IT GO.

 

It hurts. I'm sorry.

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I would just like to clarify incorrect post you said -

 

1 of his friends passed away from sucide

1 of his friends was involved in a bad crash still alive he had a awful car crash from my understanding his in hospital and his visted him

 

Thanks for the correction. Still a load of hurt and confusion when in his situation. Just a person who copes with things differently. Some want to be left alone, some welcome the comfort. It's obvious he needs to be left alone. IMO better to find this out now instead of down the road that this is now he deals with issues.

My mom had dated a widower. He lost his wife 6 months before they met. my mom did nothing but complain about him keeping some of her things, her shoes under his bed etc. about 4 months into their relationship my mom had a health crisis. He broke up with her. She was pissed and heart broken. I sympathized with him. Not even a year before he watched his wife die of cancer, so dealing with something like that again was just too much for him. My mom is still bitter over that. She just doesn't get it. The moral of the story is...sometimes you have to walk a mile in their shoes to find the answer.

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I appreciate the support from those who have said look after myself

Thank you that’s extrmely kind of you

 

Still No news from him. But did notice his activity online last night ( instagram ) he viewed my story ( he hasn’t been online for the past few days )

 

 

I Haven’t messaged him

Iv given him space

 

Hopefully his ok & his seeking help

 

It’s a shame as everything was extremely good & exciting till all this had happened so it’s a little upsetting. But I guess there’s nothing I can do.

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So this is really weird and wasn't not expecting this at all

so after a few days of not hearing from him I gave him space

He reached out to me and accused me of blocking his number and never ringing him. Now I find that so weird as I never blocked his number. And I haven't rang him to give him space. And I explained this over message.

He then said he would phone me to talk he never did - He then said the same thing again today saying he would phone me after work and he never did again!

Like can someone tell me what the hell is going on - this seems like one messed up mind game what this guy is doing.

Like is it the loss of his mate effected him or what? I don't understand all of this. SOO confused right now.

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michkath, agree with wiseman, and I'm sorry.

 

Pls go back and read my early posts; I sensed he was bad news from the get go, something just wasn't jiving about this entire situation. Him aggressively lashing out at you and/or ignoring you.

 

What he's doing now is what's known as gaslighting. It's crazy making and cruel.

 

You have only known him two months, as has been said, it appears his issues go way way beyond grieving for a friend, or even depression (suicidal fantasies).

 

Lesson learned to not allow yourself to become too invested in a man until you have spent a significant amount of time together, longer than two months.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

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You don’t think he lied do you

About this whole thing? If so that’s kind of sick :-/

 

My text message was completely ignored this morning

I said how is everything how’s your mate in hospital and how come you never rang me

He completely ignored me

And he kept going online.

 

I then got a fit or rage and upset

And said You know I can see you online don’t you.

What’s happened to you the last week you haven’t been yourself and you’re pushing me away. Everything seemed really good. Till this recent events. If you’re seeing someone else and don’t want me to bother you just be up front and honest with me.

 

And he turned it around on me and said how ing dare you say I’m seeing someone else why would you say that.

And I can’t text you as I’m sat next to my boss.

 

I think I need to walk away from this now.

As this isn’t fair

All Iv done is try be supportive :-(

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