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Thread: am i doing the right thing

  1. #11
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    Ok sweetie, clearly given his admission that he has or had suicidal fantasies, his friend's passing hit him hard.

    So there's lots going on under the surface.

    It's also quite obvious you are a very kind caring supportive person, but it's important you receive that back in return too.

    Even if it's not on the same level you are being supportive, you certainly don't deserve being ignored.

    It cannot be all one-sided that's not healthy.

    Anyway, given his suicide fantasy admission, his issues go deeper than what's on surface and you are doing the right thing by taking space and focusing on you.

    I hope he comes around and contacts you soon too.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-27-2019 at 06:30 PM.

  2. #12
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I just re-read your original post michkath, your relationship is only two months old, since February.

    I could be wrong, I often am, but I think it's possible your health crisis, surgery was (is) too much for him to deal with at this very early stage, regardless of whatever is happening in his life.

    Best to focus on you, your health. Getting better.

    I would not be reaching out to him under any circumstance..

    The ball is in his court as far as that goes.

    Somehow the main focus of this situation seems to be on him, when imo it should be on you and your health, and getting better.

    Please take care of you, and again hope you feel and get better soon.
    The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.
    I second this post.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.
    I agree with you smackie, the post you quoted essentially said same, just worded in a different way.

    Perhaps not as clear as yours.

    But yeah, two month old relationship, much too soon and heavy for him to be dealing with her health issue, and too soon for her to help him too.

    When I first read OP's post I missed it was only two months, I had mistakenly assumed it was much longer.

    Anyway, agree, taking space is the best thing for both.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    The OP's health crisis is something her family and friends needs to attend to, not someone she has only dated for two months. He lost two friends very tragically. He's off the deep end. That is an insane amount of hurt to deal with. Whatever he's going through, needs to be attend by who knows him best..his parents, family and friends. This is way too personal for someone that you are just dating for a short time. It would be different if they were husband and wife, but this is not the case. They both need to turn to your families and close friends for support.


    I would just like to clarify incorrect post you said -

    1 of his friends passed away from sucide
    1 of his friends was involved in a bad crash still alive he had a awful car crash from my understanding his in hospital and his visted him

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Ok sweetie, clearly given his admission that he has or had suicidal fantasies, his friend's passing hit him hard.

    So there's lots going on under the surface.

    It's also quite obvious you are a very kind caring supportive person, but it's important you receive that back in return too.

    Even if it's not on the same level you are being supportive, you certainly don't deserve being ignored.

    It cannot be all one-sided that's not healthy.

    Anyway, given his suicide fantasy admission, his issues go deeper than what's on surface and you are doing the right thing by taking space and focusing on you.

    I hope he comes around and contacts you soon too.

    I do hope he seeks the help he needs.
    Feeling suicidal is not a great feeling.
    Like you say itís a lot deeper then that obviously.

    Iv given him space like all have suggested.

    And yes we are new dating.
    And Iím also glad In away his been very upfront and open about all this considering itís only new dating. Perhaps that shows his comfy around me.

    But I do have to focus on myself and my health too.

    Hopefully he comes around soon.
    And all is well.


    Thanks x x

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Yes, focus solely on yourself and your health right now. You've only dated 10 or so weeks and are not "official", therefore you do not have to be his whipping post or cheerleader. Never set a precedence that "lashing out" is in any way ok. It's a red flag and an indicator of poor coping skills, lack of respect for you or just a lousy disposition.

    Leave him alone. Stop "checking up" on him. If he wanted your support, he would contact you and be civilized, not just respond if and when he wants and dumping anger on you. He could be going through a lot, he could be simply losing interest. Probably both.

    Pull way back. Reflect and decide if when you are going through your own difficulties you want someone so unsympathetic that he ignores you, just lashes out at and anger dumps on you.
    Originally Posted by michkath
    I don't hear from him much since all this has happened - I do now and again check on how he is and I notice he reads my messages and just ignores me OR if he responds its quiet aggressive kinda taking out his anger out on me kinda thing.

  9. #18
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    Let me just pile it on higher and deeper. Him lashing out at you when you reach out and ask if he needs anything, is a cue to back off. Disengage, and move on. Two months is too soon to expect anyone (you or him) to take on major life issues, but this cruel behavior is not something you need to take on, long term.

    I absolutely appreciate your efforts to be his "rock" and offer help out, but you have your own issues, and you won't be able to maintain that in light of your own issues.

    He clearly isn't on board with helping you out with your issues, and he isn't on board with you helping him with his.

    It's an unfortunate set of circumstances, and I think it's time for you to let sleeping dogs lie and move on. You have reached out several times, and between him lashing out and pure avoidance, the answer is clear...LET IT GO.

    It hurts. I'm sorry.

  10. #19
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by michkath
    I would just like to clarify incorrect post you said -

    1 of his friends passed away from sucide
    1 of his friends was involved in a bad crash still alive he had a awful car crash from my understanding his in hospital and his visted him
    Thanks for the correction. Still a load of hurt and confusion when in his situation. Just a person who copes with things differently. Some want to be left alone, some welcome the comfort. It's obvious he needs to be left alone. IMO better to find this out now instead of down the road that this is now he deals with issues.
    My mom had dated a widower. He lost his wife 6 months before they met. my mom did nothing but complain about him keeping some of her things, her shoes under his bed etc. about 4 months into their relationship my mom had a health crisis. He broke up with her. She was pissed and heart broken. I sympathized with him. Not even a year before he watched his wife die of cancer, so dealing with something like that again was just too much for him. My mom is still bitter over that. She just doesn't get it. The moral of the story is...sometimes you have to walk a mile in their shoes to find the answer.

  11. #20
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    I appreciate the support from those who have said look after myself
    Thank you thatís extrmely kind of you

    Still No news from him. But did notice his activity online last night ( instagram ) he viewed my story ( he hasnít been online for the past few days )


    I Havenít messaged him
    Iv given him space

    Hopefully his ok & his seeking help

    Itís a shame as everything was extremely good & exciting till all this had happened so itís a little upsetting. But I guess thereís nothing I can do.

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