I think I might be manipulative

Me and my gf have been dating for a year and a half now. Through that time, there's been one major issue between us. And that is I'm the only one who seems to ask her to meet up and see eachother. I've said about it many times over the past year, but nothings changed. Last night I had a mental breakdown and turned on her (on Snapchat) talking about it all, and saying something needs to change. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but I feel like I'm controlling and causing a problem in our relationship.

What do you mean you "turned on her" on Snapchat? Do you mean you publicly criticized or derided her on your story?

You had a mental breakdown? A bit overly dramatic, don't you think?

Has she offered a reason for why she doesn't initiate contact? If you didn't contact her for two weeks, would she contact you?

It was a mix of college, work and my relationship. I've got deadlines glore rn and it's stressing me out too much.

No. In dms. Going mental, telling her everything that's wrong with the way she is in the relationship.

You're frustrated from what you wrote. Not manipulative.

Manipulative would be "If you don't come over right now I'm going to cut myself!!!"

You put up with this incompatibility for a year and a half? Either you need to let go, or you REALLY need to let go....of her

A relationship can't survive just you being in love with her. She doesn't reciprocate...that makes her a lazy GF. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....she doesn't, and isn't willing to change. So what does that tell you, how she feels about you and this relationship?

There have been occasions Where she's had to cancel multiple times or just didn't turn up, and that made me want to self harm. But other than that

No. In dms. Going mental, telling her everything that's wrong with the way she is in the relationship.

Having a meltdown indicates that you've been suppressing your own needs and people pleasing for a long time. Did you ever attempt to actually discuss the issue with her? I agree that the dynamic generally indicates that she is an unsuitable partner, but I think there is some responsibility on you to speak up about how you want the relationship to function. I don't know if manipulative is the word I would use, but if my boyfriend came out of the blue with nasty DMs, I may feel pretty betrayed if I had no idea there was an issue.

Couples fall into a pattern. Often, one person in the relationship requires more intimacy and becomes anxious when they don't receive it, so they end up initiating repeatedly, which doesn't give their partner a chance to do any of the work. I would consider if this reflects your situation. Stepping back and allowing space for the other person to contribute can be difficult, but it's worth it, if your goal is a more balanced relationship. How much the other person then steps up will give you vital information about their level of commitment and investment, so you can decide if you should continue to be with them.

There have been occasions Where she's had to cancel multiple times or just didn't turn up, and that made me want to self harm. But other than that

Just not turning up is very inappropriate relationship behavior and a reasonable thing to be upset about. Repeat episodes is a justifiable reason to break off the relationship.

However, self-harm is an ineffective coping skill that can come with serious consequences (such as your girlfriend feeling manipulated into spending time with you). Consider seeing a therapist, if you are not already going to a mental health professional.

If someone cancelling a date with you causes you to want to self harm, your girlfriend is the least of your troubles.

You need to get professional help for your self-destructive attitude.

I've spoken to her multiple times about it. But nothings changed.

I haven't self harmed in over a year. I was in therapy for 2 years before that, and I've sorted most of it.

You want to be happy? Find a better GF. Look I'm going to explain this. You have self worth issues. You need her to initiate in order for you to feel you have value. Yes you need to work on that. BUT anyone who has self worth would have dumped her a long time ago because she doesn't treat you proper, like a GF should. Get it?

Well, you're walking dangerously close to un-sorting it all out by choosing to continue in a relationship with someone who is triggering the urge to self-harm.

You've talked, nothing's changed. That's the point where you move on, generally, rather than double and triple down on the source of pain and discomfort to the point where it's making you think about hurting yourself.

I think you're feeling bad about the DMs because they were, in a way, a version of self-harm, of you slipping backwards into an unhealthy place where you've been before. Even if the feelings that led to them were justified, the response was not, as you know. You get the immediate release and relief of the explosion, followed by the deeper shame that expands. That's self harm 101.

You're a year and half into a relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown you that she does not communicate in a way that works for you. You're in a relationship, in short, that feels a lot like self-harm, so it might be worth asking if all that really got sorted out or if instead of harming yourself you found someone else who does it for you.

That's a choice you've made, and now you have the choice whether you want to keep making it or make a new one.

 

Find a better GF.

Agree.

OP, this isn't about you being manipulative.

This about you choosing to remain in a relationship w a gf who doesn't respect you and all wrong for you, and you for her.

I mean, not showing up for dates? No text or phone call, just stands you up?

No, you don't complain or self-harm, you LEAVE.

Deal breaker, bye bye.

I'm OK with not texting or phoning. She's about to start her gces and ik the stress of that, I did them last year. But I want to stay with her. I guess the saying "loves blind" is true

You're not "blind". You're choosing to cover your eyes and ears because for some reason you don't want to let go.

So if you understand her situation, why go off on her in DMs? Why feel tempted to cut yourself? Obviously the situation is upsetting you.

 

I'm OK with not texting or phoning. She's about to start her gces and ik the stress of that, I did them last year. But I want to stay with her. I guess the saying "loves blind" is true

Now you're ok with it?

So she's conditioned you to not expect much, if anything, from her.

Not even to keep a scheduled date, or call when she prefers to do something else, or otherwise wants to cancel.

Terrific.

So then what's the problem again?

Why you had a meltdown and went off on her?

A bit confused now.

I'm OK with not texting or phoning. She's about to start her gces and ik the stress of that, I did them last year. But I want to stay with her. I guess the saying "loves blind" is true

Sounds like an amazing relationship that's giving you exactly what you're seeking from it—pain, discomfort, and the occasional "meltdown."

When and if you decide you'd like a different experience romantically, or if you're interested in a less poetic reasoning for this one, you can take those steps.

Until then, enjoy what you have.

The meltdown was caused by a mix of college, work and my relationship with her. I know what her schedule is, and she's always extremely busy. But we always have a day for the two of us. Which she's cancelled a few times on

I get it.

I remember college. Sometimes I'd show up for class and, like, the class wasn't there. Messed with my head, those moments, because I'd done all this homework and was paying a lot of money for college. But, as a wise man once said, "college is blind!"

And I hear you about how work can be stressful. I work too. It's really frustrating when my bosses ask me to pay them for my work instead of paying me. I always thought work was to help me from going broke, but then I remember that "work's blind" and it makes me love my job all over again.

 

Me and my gf have been dating for a year and a half now.

 

Through that time, there's been one major issue between us. And that is I'm the only one who seems to ask her to meet up and see eachother. I've said about it many times over the past year, but nothings changed. Last night I had a mental breakdown and turned on her (on Snapchat) talking about it all, and saying something needs to change.

I am just reposting this for emphasis. Your own words.

 

I'm OK with not texting or phoning. She's about to start her gces and ik the stress of that, I did them last year.

But now you're ok w it, she's just busy, you understand, and college and work are the problems.

Ok very good, I'm glad you've settled that.

Best of luck!

Well, you're walking dangerously close to un-sorting it all out by choosing to continue in a relationship with someone who is triggering the urge to self-harm.

 

You've talked, nothing's changed. That's the point where you move on, generally, rather than double and triple down on the source of pain and discomfort to the point where it's making you think about hurting yourself.

 

I think you're feeling bad about the DMs because they were, in a way, a version of self-harm, of you slipping backwards into an unhealthy place where you've been before. Even if the feelings that led to them were justified, the response was not, as you know. You get the immediate release and relief of the explosion, followed by the deeper shame that expands. That's self harm 101.

 

You're a year and half into a relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown you that she does not communicate in a way that works for you. You're in a relationship, in short, that feels a lot like self-harm, so it might be worth asking if all that really got sorted out or if instead of harming yourself you found someone else who does it for you.

 

That's a choice you've made, and now you have the choice whether you want to keep making it or make a new one.

This is so on point.

This is a choice zoey.

Her having a different communication style than yours is not causing you to want to self harm.

You not having a proper handle on healthy ways to self soothe anxiety is causing you to want to self harm.

Please recognize the difference or every relationship you’re in will be a trigger for you.

You are responsible for your mental health. You are your keeper.

Op, tried to edit my post but too late.

The reason I posted it was to emphasize that unless and until you begin getting emotionally honest with yourself, nothing is going to change.

I very much agree w Bluecastles's and figureitout's posts too re your anxiety.

Spot on, and hope you're listening.

Good luck.