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Thread: I think I might be manipulative

  1. #1

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    I think I might be manipulative

    Me and my gf have been dating for a year and a half now. Through that time, there's been one major issue between us. And that is I'm the only one who seems to ask her to meet up and see eachother. I've said about it many times over the past year, but nothings changed. Last night I had a mental breakdown and turned on her (on Snapchat) talking about it all, and saying something needs to change. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but I feel like I'm controlling and causing a problem in our relationship.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    What do you mean you "turned on her" on Snapchat? Do you mean you publicly criticized or derided her on your story?

  3. #3
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You had a mental breakdown? A bit overly dramatic, don't you think?

    Has she offered a reason for why she doesn't initiate contact? If you didn't contact her for two weeks, would she contact you?

  4. #4

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    It was a mix of college, work and my relationship. I've got deadlines glore rn and it's stressing me out too much.

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  6. #5

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    No. In dms. Going mental, telling her everything that's wrong with the way she is in the relationship.

  7. #6
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    You're frustrated from what you wrote. Not manipulative.

    Manipulative would be "If you don't come over right now I'm going to cut myself!!!"

  8. #7
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You put up with this incompatibility for a year and a half? Either you need to let go, or you REALLY need to let go....of her
    A relationship can't survive just you being in love with her. She doesn't reciprocate...that makes her a lazy GF. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....she doesn't, and isn't willing to change. So what does that tell you, how she feels about you and this relationship?

  9. #8

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    There have been occasions Where she's had to cancel multiple times or just didn't turn up, and that made me want to self harm. But other than that

  10. #9
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Zoey1241
    No. In dms. Going mental, telling her everything that's wrong with the way she is in the relationship.
    Having a meltdown indicates that you've been suppressing your own needs and people pleasing for a long time. Did you ever attempt to actually discuss the issue with her? I agree that the dynamic generally indicates that she is an unsuitable partner, but I think there is some responsibility on you to speak up about how you want the relationship to function. I don't know if manipulative is the word I would use, but if my boyfriend came out of the blue with nasty DMs, I may feel pretty betrayed if I had no idea there was an issue.

    Couples fall into a pattern. Often, one person in the relationship requires more intimacy and becomes anxious when they don't receive it, so they end up initiating repeatedly, which doesn't give their partner a chance to do any of the work. I would consider if this reflects your situation. Stepping back and allowing space for the other person to contribute can be difficult, but it's worth it, if your goal is a more balanced relationship. How much the other person then steps up will give you vital information about their level of commitment and investment, so you can decide if you should continue to be with them.

  11. #10
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Zoey1241
    There have been occasions Where she's had to cancel multiple times or just didn't turn up, and that made me want to self harm. But other than that
    Just not turning up is very inappropriate relationship behavior and a reasonable thing to be upset about. Repeat episodes is a justifiable reason to break off the relationship.

    However, self-harm is an ineffective coping skill that can come with serious consequences (such as your girlfriend feeling manipulated into spending time with you). Consider seeing a therapist, if you are not already going to a mental health professional.

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