Why do I stress out when my girlfriend is around other men?

Last year I ended a relationship with someone for a few different reasons..... Long story short, I'm in the military and she was back home, so it was a long distance relationship. She was constantly going out with guys, having guys over at her house, etc..... And I expressed my concerns about that to her, and she didn't care about my feelings in the slightest of ways, but instead insisted I was just insecure. Turned out she was secretly in a relationship with one of those guys as I had feared, so I ended things as a result.

I took a lot of time to try and recover my head from that situation, and have since then started a new relationship with someone close to where I'm stationed, and she is EVERYTHING I could ever ask for. Our relationship seems very healthy and we have many goals that we share that we cannot wait to accomplish. However, I've been finding that some of the fears from my past relationship are starting to creep in, even over things that more than likely are not things to get worked up over. For example, she works with a lot of guys. In fact she is the only female on the crew. That in and of itself hasn't bothered me too much yet, because they go to work and do their jobs, then they go home and that's all she sees of them. But tonight she told me that her crew will be doing a job that requires them to hike out to the work site, and then camp there for a week while they work on the job. The problem is, she told me that she will likely have to share a tent with a guy, and will not get her own tent. I have no reason not to trust her, and I do believe that she holds some high standards, but the thing that didn't sit quite well is that she didn't seem to show much concern about the fact that she will have to sleep with another guy for a week. In fact, she didn't even ask how I felt about that. And frankly, even though I trust her, I don't know the guys she is with, or how they behave themselves around her, let alone know how they will behave when they are sleeping alone in a tent with her. Obviously I have no proof to say any kind of "funny business" will be going on, and frankly nothing has happened in the past that should even allow me to worry about it, but the concerns are still there and I can't seem to talk myself out of those worries.

I really value our relationship, and due to how things went in my past relationship, I have no idea how to communicate my concerns to her without making her feel like I'm trying to control what she does and does not do. Because that's not the case. But after the way things went in my past relationship, I can't help the red flags popping up in my head, and it's driving me crazy that I can't even trust myself to communicate these kinds of things to her. Especially since I thought I had gotten past all of this.

So with this all being said, am I freaking out over nothing and reading into this too far? Or are my concerns valid and something that should try to be resolved?

And if I am overthinking this, how do I stop?

Please help

Personally I find it odd that a workplace in current day would put a male and female in the same tent.

But perhaps that is the nature of the work, hiking often involves carrying minimal weight etc

Is she an experienced hiker ?

Is this a normal part of her job? What does she work at?

You say she lives near where you are stationed. How long are you going to be stationed there?

Why haven’t you met her workmates yet?

How new is this relationship?

No employer is going to make a female employee share a tent with a male employee. It's nothing to do with trust; it's just not appropriate. If a separate tent won't be provided why wouldn't your girlfriend want to take her own? Sharing an hotel room with a man she's not in a relationship would be bad enough, but sharing a tent? No. (And I don't suppose the male employee's partner would be happy about it either.)

No employer is going to make a female employee share a tent with a male employee. It's nothing to do with trust; it's just not appropriate. If a separate tent won't be provided why wouldn't your girlfriend want to take her own? Sharing an hotel room with a man she's not in a relationship would be bad enough, but sharing a tent? No. (And I don't suppose the male employee's partner would be happy about it either.)

Because they have to hike, priority of weight they have to take would be placed on water supplies and food , not tent weight. So , I’m waiting to hear back from the OP of the nature of the job etc.

It might very well be valid.

Environmental biologist, archaeologist etc? Access to the site?

In an office environment yes privacy can and will be provided.

I do wonder though why the op’s gf even needed to disclose her sleeping arrangements ?

She is part of a DNR trail crew. I haven’t met her workmates yet because we are both always working our own jobs at the same time. And I agree that it’s inappropriate. Unfortunately all her workmates are single so they see no issue with it. She only disclosed the sleeping arrangements because I asked, but to be honest I don’t even remember what the explanation was as to why it had to be that way. My mind was too busy worrying about the fact that it is that way.

She is part of a DNR trail crew. I haven’t met her workmates yet because we are both always working our own jobs at the same time. And I agree that it’s inappropriate. Unfortunately all her workmates are single so they see no issue with it. She only disclosed the sleeping arrangements because I asked, but to be honest I don’t even remember what the explanation was as to why it had to be that way. My mind was too busy worrying about the fact that it is that way.

Ok so it’s probably quite conceivable that tent sharing is a thing.

And it’s just somewhere to sleep. No shared bathrooms or showers lol because there are none!

It’s all legit! AND out of her control.

So all good , sleep well tonight knowing it’s just her job!

Don't ruin it for yourself by dumping your past on her and making her guilty for your past gf's sins. If she wanted to cheat or "sleep with another guy" she doesn't have to be on remote location working to do so. In fact do you seriously think there will be hanky panky in a remote wilderness setting with a crew of workers there?

And yes, since she is the only female crew they may have to put people in tents according to availability. Are they really going to lug a special private tent for her as some sort of luxury accommodation because she's dating a hurt, jealous guy? Or is she going to do the job as a assigned and not ask for special treatment because she is female? Reflect on whether you are being controlling/possessive or just still unreasonably mistrusting because of your past baggage.

No i definitely understand all that and that all does make sense. Again, it’s just my own mind playing “worst case scenario” over and over again, and I can’t seem to make it stop. And even though it is just the job, I do still see the fact that she’d have to share a tent with a guy as inappropriate. That just seems like an accommodation that should be made whether she’s in a relationship or not. Plus as I mentioned in the original post, I’m just a little concerned that she didn’t even bother to ask me how I feel about that or try to explain how it is an ok setup. She just said it like it’s totally appropriate which doesn’t seem like her to do. I mean I’m taking her on a trip this summer and while we were making plans for it, she had expressed that she preferred separate hotel rooms for us so that people wouldn’t get the wrong idea (we’re “saving it” for marriage just to clarify that). But when she has to sleep right along side someone else she seemed like it was no big deal. So that’s why some things don’t quite make sense to me right now

Your dating life may go a lot smoother if you get therapy for the anxiety and ruminating. She doesn't need your permission to do her job.

No i definitely understand all that and that all does make sense. Again, it’s just my own mind playing “worst case scenario” over and over again, and I can’t seem to make it stop. And even though it is just the job, I do still see the fact that she’d have to share a tent with a guy as inappropriate. That just seems like an accommodation that should be made whether she’s in a relationship or not. Plus as I mentioned in the original post, I’m just a little concerned that she didn’t even bother to ask me how I feel about that or try to explain how it is an ok setup. She just said it like it’s totally appropriate which doesn’t seem like her to do. I mean I’m taking her on a trip this summer and while we were making plans for it, she had expressed that she preferred separate hotel rooms for us so that people wouldn’t get the wrong idea (we’re “saving it” for marriage just to clarify that). But when she has to sleep right along side someone else she seemed like it was no big deal. So that’s why some things don’t quite make sense to me right now

She is sleeping in the tent! Not her choice!

Her choice not to sleep in the same room as you is because she is attracted to you and wants to remove temptation.

Do you really think the government should have to provide another person on that trip simply to carry extra weight so that YOU feel comfortable?

Aren’t you in the military???

After a day of hiking and limited water availability, I'm pretty sure there will be no funny business in a tent...

I think you guys are misunderstanding things here so let me clarify. I know she doesn’t need my permission to do her job. That’s a given. I’m not asking for her to get my approval or anything like that. All I’m saying is that a simple gesture to acknowledge that it might cause some worry would have been nice. Just to show that she does have some regard for her partners feelings. And again, because it seemed to be missed, accommodations to provide females separate sleeping arrangements from males should be something done whether they are in relationships or not. That’s just common sense to avoid liabilities for sexual harassment and things of the like. Also I don’t see how me being in the military has anything to do with what I said. And if you are not prior service I do not welcome any military related comments if you are just going to make assumptions about how I should feel or act because of it. I’m asking for real life relationship advice and am trying to leave anything military out of it. And as also stated in the original post, advice on how to stop overthinking this would be great if anyone has some useful tips other than bashing me for having feelings that I’m struggling to control.

I think you guys are misunderstanding things here so let me clarify. I know she doesn’t need my permission to do her job. That’s a given. I’m not asking for her to get my approval or anything like that. All I’m saying is that a simple gesture to acknowledge that it might cause some worry would have been nice. Just to show that she does have some regard for her partners feelings. And again, because it seemed to be missed, accommodations to provide females separate sleeping arrangements from males should be something done whether they are in relationships or not. That’s just common sense to avoid liabilities for sexual harassment and things of the like. Also I don’t see how me being in the military has anything to do with what I said. And if you are not prior service I do not welcome any military related comments if you are just going to make assumptions about how I should feel or act because of it. I’m asking for real life relationship advice and am trying to leave anything military out of it. And as also stated in the original post, advice on how to stop overthinking this would be great if anyone has some useful tips other than bashing me for having feelings that I’m struggling to control.

She didn’t accomodate your mistrust because she didn’t see a reason for your mistrust.

My comment re you being military is simply because I am sure you have also experienced atypical sleeping arrangements?

Well, that’s assuming you have been deployed but perhaps not?

I am giving you real life (non military) advice and that is that you are over reacting .

I’m deployed right now actually, and even here we have proper arrangements made. The military is bigger on that stuff than you might think. But to get back the issue at hand here, even if there is 100% trust, shouldn’t sleeping with another person of the opposite gender be something that should be brought up and discussed, rather than just brushed off? This is the first time anything like this has come up, as it doesn’t happen often for them, so especially being the first time, in order to better understand your significant other, wouldn’t that be something that should be acknowledged and asked about? Again not in an asking permission kind of way, but just as something to better understand your significant others feelings and thoughts about something like that? Even just a “I know that might not sit well with you, but it’s just a job and something I don’t have an option in”. Or “It’s not something I have much control over, but how does that make you feel? What thoughts run through your head about this?” Just SOMETHING...... you know what I mean? That’s why I’m a little concerned. She didn’t really seem to care.

I’m deployed right now actually, and even here we have proper arrangements made. The military is bigger on that stuff than you might think. But to get back the issue at hand here, even if there is 100% trust, shouldn’t sleeping with another person of the opposite gender be something that should be brought up and discussed, rather than just brushed off? This is the first time anything like this has come up, as it doesn’t happen often for them, so especially being the first time, in order to better understand your significant other, wouldn’t that be something that should be acknowledged and asked about? Again not in an asking permission kind of way, but just as something to better understand your significant others feelings and thoughts about something like that? Even just a “I know that might not sit well with you, but it’s just a job and something I don’t have an option in”. Or “It’s not something I have much control over, but how does that make you feel? What thoughts run through your head about this?” Just SOMETHING...... you know what I mean? That’s why I’m a little concerned. She didn’t really seem to care.

She doesn’t care because SHE knows it’s nothing to be concerned about.

Why do you think that she should explain things that are of no concern to her to you?

Trust her or don’t. That’s your choice!!

If you don’t want to risk it then leave her.

That's odd. I agree with the OP that it's a put off. I don't think a big issue should be made out of it as it seems this relationship is quite new but yes, it is odd. Generally men and women shouldn't be sleeping in the same tent. You mentioned that all the individuals she works with are single. This makes me wonder at her age and the nature of her work. Someone who works at a position where none are at the same life stage she is at is suspect. I find it bizarre that none of her coworkers are attached or married but only in terms of maturity and life stages. Of course marriage is no indicator of maturity but it is of a person's life stage and what they are willing to commit to or the commitments they are willing to juggle. This is setting off multiple red flags for me and while they're not waving around like blazing red beacons, those flags are there and are markers for me (if I were in your place) to remain cautious and observe her more, get to know her more.

My husband is a mountaineer and hiker and carries (what I think is) significant weight easily when he leaves for week long trips at a time. Water is not limited with good filtration pumps and a good pack solves a lot of problems. I do not know what her equipment set up is like but it sounds like they may be going up logging trails and all their gear is driven up for them by trucks of some sort. I don't imagine they're carrying everything on their shoulders and if they are (you mentioned they hike to the site), I don't imagine it to be 100s of km away from the trucks or 1000s of meters high where oxygen is an issue. In other words, it shouldn't be a huge problem for reasonably fit individuals. One extra tent wouldn't make a dent in the process. I agree with you that alternate sleeping arrangements would be preferable but question whether this would make her stand out and lose her position as 'one of the guys'. She'd just be a sitting duck for a lot of teasing. If she's not willing to do that (her personal reasons) it makes me wonder if she's insecure about her job in general and whether she feels she has something to prove to her crew. Maybe she has no clue how to even set up her own tent and is insecure about it. The possibilities are endless. At the end of the day, I interpret her as insecure and needing validation enough not to want to rock the boat or cause issue with her teammates. She is also entitled not to and has every right not to change her ways or stick her neck out for anyone.

You should get to know her more before making a total judgment call on this but don't abandon your gut instincts on the matter. The relationship is early on enough that it's more acceptable to talk about this openly (no accusations and definitely do NOT bring up your ex or make excuses for your concern). Treat this separate and of its own nature. If you've already brought it up and she flippantly brushed aside your concerns, this is not the woman for you. She is not in the right headspace and it's questionable whether she's open to a long term committed relationship. I want to mention also and draw your attention to your header of your thread (thread title). You're undercutting yourself and suggesting insecurity on your part. I do not think you're insecure. Stop playing the victim and being wobbly about your gut instincts. Walk the talk and never make excuses for what you feel doesn't feel right. Trust your instincts.

You need to trust her. If she was interested in one of these guys, she would be dating them not you. Work is work to her. If I were in her shoes tho, I would want my own tent, even if it meant a smaller one. I'm surprised that this agency would even expect a woman to share a tent with a man. I'm sure if she had a conversation to her supervisor or HR her having her own tent would be arranged. She has rights, and they must accommodate.