Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: Why do I stress out when my girlfriend is around other men?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    5

    Why do I stress out when my girlfriend is around other men?

    Last year I ended a relationship with someone for a few different reasons..... Long story short, I'm in the military and she was back home, so it was a long distance relationship. She was constantly going out with guys, having guys over at her house, etc..... And I expressed my concerns about that to her, and she didn't care about my feelings in the slightest of ways, but instead insisted I was just insecure. Turned out she was secretly in a relationship with one of those guys as I had feared, so I ended things as a result.

    I took a lot of time to try and recover my head from that situation, and have since then started a new relationship with someone close to where I'm stationed, and she is EVERYTHING I could ever ask for. Our relationship seems very healthy and we have many goals that we share that we cannot wait to accomplish. However, I've been finding that some of the fears from my past relationship are starting to creep in, even over things that more than likely are not things to get worked up over. For example, she works with a lot of guys. In fact she is the only female on the crew. That in and of itself hasn't bothered me too much yet, because they go to work and do their jobs, then they go home and that's all she sees of them. But tonight she told me that her crew will be doing a job that requires them to hike out to the work site, and then camp there for a week while they work on the job. The problem is, she told me that she will likely have to share a tent with a guy, and will not get her own tent. I have no reason not to trust her, and I do believe that she holds some high standards, but the thing that didn't sit quite well is that she didn't seem to show much concern about the fact that she will have to sleep with another guy for a week. In fact, she didn't even ask how I felt about that. And frankly, even though I trust her, I don't know the guys she is with, or how they behave themselves around her, let alone know how they will behave when they are sleeping alone in a tent with her. Obviously I have no proof to say any kind of "funny business" will be going on, and frankly nothing has happened in the past that should even allow me to worry about it, but the concerns are still there and I can't seem to talk myself out of those worries.

    I really value our relationship, and due to how things went in my past relationship, I have no idea how to communicate my concerns to her without making her feel like I'm trying to control what she does and does not do. Because that's not the case. But after the way things went in my past relationship, I can't help the red flags popping up in my head, and it's driving me crazy that I can't even trust myself to communicate these kinds of things to her. Especially since I thought I had gotten past all of this.

    So with this all being said, am I freaking out over nothing and reading into this too far? Or are my concerns valid and something that should try to be resolved?

    And if I am overthinking this, how do I stop?

    Please help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,420
    Personally I find it odd that a workplace in current day would put a male and female in the same tent.
    But perhaps that is the nature of the work, hiking often involves carrying minimal weight etc
    Is she an experienced hiker ?
    Is this a normal part of her job? What does she work at?

    You say she lives near where you are stationed. How long are you going to be stationed there?
    Why havenít you met her workmates yet?
    How new is this relationship?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    155
    No employer is going to make a female employee share a tent with a male employee. It's nothing to do with trust; it's just not appropriate. If a separate tent won't be provided why wouldn't your girlfriend want to take her own? Sharing an hotel room with a man she's not in a relationship would be bad enough, but sharing a tent? No. (And I don't suppose the male employee's partner would be happy about it either.)

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,420
    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    No employer is going to make a female employee share a tent with a male employee. It's nothing to do with trust; it's just not appropriate. If a separate tent won't be provided why wouldn't your girlfriend want to take her own? Sharing an hotel room with a man she's not in a relationship would be bad enough, but sharing a tent? No. (And I don't suppose the male employee's partner would be happy about it either.)
    Because they have to hike, priority of weight they have to take would be placed on water supplies and food , not tent weight. So , Iím waiting to hear back from the OP of the nature of the job etc.
    It might very well be valid.
    Environmental biologist, archaeologist etc? Access to the site?
    In an office environment yes privacy can and will be provided.

    I do wonder though why the opís gf even needed to disclose her sleeping arrangements ?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    5
    She is part of a DNR trail crew. I havenít met her workmates yet because we are both always working our own jobs at the same time. And I agree that itís inappropriate. Unfortunately all her workmates are single so they see no issue with it. She only disclosed the sleeping arrangements because I asked, but to be honest I donít even remember what the explanation was as to why it had to be that way. My mind was too busy worrying about the fact that it is that way.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,420
    Originally Posted by ZachParsons
    She is part of a DNR trail crew. I havenít met her workmates yet because we are both always working our own jobs at the same time. And I agree that itís inappropriate. Unfortunately all her workmates are single so they see no issue with it. She only disclosed the sleeping arrangements because I asked, but to be honest I donít even remember what the explanation was as to why it had to be that way. My mind was too busy worrying about the fact that it is that way.
    Ok so itís probably quite conceivable that tent sharing is a thing.
    And itís just somewhere to sleep. No shared bathrooms or showers lol because there are none!
    Itís all legit! AND out of her control.
    So all good , sleep well tonight knowing itís just her job!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,831
    Gender
    Male
    Don't ruin it for yourself by dumping your past on her and making her guilty for your past gf's sins. If she wanted to cheat or "sleep with another guy" she doesn't have to be on remote location working to do so. In fact do you seriously think there will be hanky panky in a remote wilderness setting with a crew of workers there?

    And yes, since she is the only female crew they may have to put people in tents according to availability. Are they really going to lug a special private tent for her as some sort of luxury accommodation because she's dating a hurt, jealous guy? Or is she going to do the job as a assigned and not ask for special treatment because she is female? Reflect on whether you are being controlling/possessive or just still unreasonably mistrusting because of your past baggage.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    5
    No i definitely understand all that and that all does make sense. Again, itís just my own mind playing ďworst case scenarioĒ over and over again, and I canít seem to make it stop. And even though it is just the job, I do still see the fact that sheíd have to share a tent with a guy as inappropriate. That just seems like an accommodation that should be made whether sheís in a relationship or not. Plus as I mentioned in the original post, Iím just a little concerned that she didnít even bother to ask me how I feel about that or try to explain how it is an ok setup. She just said it like itís totally appropriate which doesnít seem like her to do. I mean Iím taking her on a trip this summer and while we were making plans for it, she had expressed that she preferred separate hotel rooms for us so that people wouldnít get the wrong idea (weíre ďsaving itĒ for marriage just to clarify that). But when she has to sleep right along side someone else she seemed like it was no big deal. So thatís why some things donít quite make sense to me right now

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,831
    Gender
    Male
    Your dating life may go a lot smoother if you get therapy for the anxiety and ruminating. She doesn't need your permission to do her job.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,420
    Originally Posted by ZachParsons
    No i definitely understand all that and that all does make sense. Again, itís just my own mind playing ďworst case scenarioĒ over and over again, and I canít seem to make it stop. And even though it is just the job, I do still see the fact that sheíd have to share a tent with a guy as inappropriate. That just seems like an accommodation that should be made whether sheís in a relationship or not. Plus as I mentioned in the original post, Iím just a little concerned that she didnít even bother to ask me how I feel about that or try to explain how it is an ok setup. She just said it like itís totally appropriate which doesnít seem like her to do. I mean Iím taking her on a trip this summer and while we were making plans for it, she had expressed that she preferred separate hotel rooms for us so that people wouldnít get the wrong idea (weíre ďsaving itĒ for marriage just to clarify that). But when she has to sleep right along side someone else she seemed like it was no big deal. So thatís why some things donít quite make sense to me right now
    She is sleeping in the tent! Not her choice!
    Her choice not to sleep in the same room as you is because she is attracted to you and wants to remove temptation.

    Do you really think the government should have to provide another person on that trip simply to carry extra weight so that YOU feel comfortable?
    Arenít you in the military???

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •