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Thread: Why do I stress out when my girlfriend is around other men?

  1. #11
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    After a day of hiking and limited water availability, I'm pretty sure there will be no funny business in a tent...

  2. #12
    I think you guys are misunderstanding things here so let me clarify. I know she doesnít need my permission to do her job. Thatís a given. Iím not asking for her to get my approval or anything like that. All Iím saying is that a simple gesture to acknowledge that it might cause some worry would have been nice. Just to show that she does have some regard for her partners feelings. And again, because it seemed to be missed, accommodations to provide females separate sleeping arrangements from males should be something done whether they are in relationships or not. Thatís just common sense to avoid liabilities for sexual harassment and things of the like. Also I donít see how me being in the military has anything to do with what I said. And if you are not prior service I do not welcome any military related comments if you are just going to make assumptions about how I should feel or act because of it. Iím asking for real life relationship advice and am trying to leave anything military out of it. And as also stated in the original post, advice on how to stop overthinking this would be great if anyone has some useful tips other than bashing me for having feelings that Iím struggling to control.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by ZachParsons
    I think you guys are misunderstanding things here so let me clarify. I know she doesnít need my permission to do her job. Thatís a given. Iím not asking for her to get my approval or anything like that. All Iím saying is that a simple gesture to acknowledge that it might cause some worry would have been nice. Just to show that she does have some regard for her partners feelings. And again, because it seemed to be missed, accommodations to provide females separate sleeping arrangements from males should be something done whether they are in relationships or not. Thatís just common sense to avoid liabilities for sexual harassment and things of the like. Also I donít see how me being in the military has anything to do with what I said. And if you are not prior service I do not welcome any military related comments if you are just going to make assumptions about how I should feel or act because of it. Iím asking for real life relationship advice and am trying to leave anything military out of it. And as also stated in the original post, advice on how to stop overthinking this would be great if anyone has some useful tips other than bashing me for having feelings that Iím struggling to control.
    She didnít accomodate your mistrust because she didnít see a reason for your mistrust.
    My comment re you being military is simply because I am sure you have also experienced atypical sleeping arrangements?
    Well, thatís assuming you have been deployed but perhaps not?

    I am giving you real life (non military) advice and that is that you are over reacting .

  4. #14
    Iím deployed right now actually, and even here we have proper arrangements made. The military is bigger on that stuff than you might think. But to get back the issue at hand here, even if there is 100% trust, shouldnít sleeping with another person of the opposite gender be something that should be brought up and discussed, rather than just brushed off? This is the first time anything like this has come up, as it doesnít happen often for them, so especially being the first time, in order to better understand your significant other, wouldnít that be something that should be acknowledged and asked about? Again not in an asking permission kind of way, but just as something to better understand your significant others feelings and thoughts about something like that? Even just a ďI know that might not sit well with you, but itís just a job and something I donít have an option inĒ. Or ďItís not something I have much control over, but how does that make you feel? What thoughts run through your head about this?Ē Just SOMETHING...... you know what I mean? Thatís why Iím a little concerned. She didnít really seem to care.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ZachParsons
    Iím deployed right now actually, and even here we have proper arrangements made. The military is bigger on that stuff than you might think. But to get back the issue at hand here, even if there is 100% trust, shouldnít sleeping with another person of the opposite gender be something that should be brought up and discussed, rather than just brushed off? This is the first time anything like this has come up, as it doesnít happen often for them, so especially being the first time, in order to better understand your significant other, wouldnít that be something that should be acknowledged and asked about? Again not in an asking permission kind of way, but just as something to better understand your significant others feelings and thoughts about something like that? Even just a ďI know that might not sit well with you, but itís just a job and something I donít have an option inĒ. Or ďItís not something I have much control over, but how does that make you feel? What thoughts run through your head about this?Ē Just SOMETHING...... you know what I mean? Thatís why Iím a little concerned. She didnít really seem to care.
    She doesnít care because SHE knows itís nothing to be concerned about.
    Why do you think that she should explain things that are of no concern to her to you?
    Trust her or donít. Thatís your choice!!
    If you donít want to risk it then leave her.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That's odd. I agree with the OP that it's a put off. I don't think a big issue should be made out of it as it seems this relationship is quite new but yes, it is odd. Generally men and women shouldn't be sleeping in the same tent. You mentioned that all the individuals she works with are single. This makes me wonder at her age and the nature of her work. Someone who works at a position where none are at the same life stage she is at is suspect. I find it bizarre that none of her coworkers are attached or married but only in terms of maturity and life stages. Of course marriage is no indicator of maturity but it is of a person's life stage and what they are willing to commit to or the commitments they are willing to juggle. This is setting off multiple red flags for me and while they're not waving around like blazing red beacons, those flags are there and are markers for me (if I were in your place) to remain cautious and observe her more, get to know her more.

    My husband is a mountaineer and hiker and carries (what I think is) significant weight easily when he leaves for week long trips at a time. Water is not limited with good filtration pumps and a good pack solves a lot of problems. I do not know what her equipment set up is like but it sounds like they may be going up logging trails and all their gear is driven up for them by trucks of some sort. I don't imagine they're carrying everything on their shoulders and if they are (you mentioned they hike to the site), I don't imagine it to be 100s of km away from the trucks or 1000s of meters high where oxygen is an issue. In other words, it shouldn't be a huge problem for reasonably fit individuals. One extra tent wouldn't make a dent in the process. I agree with you that alternate sleeping arrangements would be preferable but question whether this would make her stand out and lose her position as 'one of the guys'. She'd just be a sitting duck for a lot of teasing. If she's not willing to do that (her personal reasons) it makes me wonder if she's insecure about her job in general and whether she feels she has something to prove to her crew. Maybe she has no clue how to even set up her own tent and is insecure about it. The possibilities are endless. At the end of the day, I interpret her as insecure and needing validation enough not to want to rock the boat or cause issue with her teammates. She is also entitled not to and has every right not to change her ways or stick her neck out for anyone.

    You should get to know her more before making a total judgment call on this but don't abandon your gut instincts on the matter. The relationship is early on enough that it's more acceptable to talk about this openly (no accusations and definitely do NOT bring up your ex or make excuses for your concern). Treat this separate and of its own nature. If you've already brought it up and she flippantly brushed aside your concerns, this is not the woman for you. She is not in the right headspace and it's questionable whether she's open to a long term committed relationship. I want to mention also and draw your attention to your header of your thread (thread title). You're undercutting yourself and suggesting insecurity on your part. I do not think you're insecure. Stop playing the victim and being wobbly about your gut instincts. Walk the talk and never make excuses for what you feel doesn't feel right. Trust your instincts.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 04-27-2019 at 10:22 AM.

  8. #17
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You need to trust her. If she was interested in one of these guys, she would be dating them not you. Work is work to her. If I were in her shoes tho, I would want my own tent, even if it meant a smaller one. I'm surprised that this agency would even expect a woman to share a tent with a man. I'm sure if she had a conversation to her supervisor or HR her having her own tent would be arranged. She has rights, and they must accommodate.

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