Is my girlfriend crazy/ unreasonable??????

Hi all, I have a predicament..... My partner of six months is unhappy with me because I use an app on my phone to record my phone calls if i choose. I have been doing this for over 3 years as I dont want to miss calls from my children whom i have not seen for over 4 years, and work calls that involve specific instructions. In an attempt to get "feedback" from others, she published details about our situation on the internet for all to read, and this is what she wrote:

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I have a predicament. I cannot suitably explain to my (6 months new) partner (who was previously screwed over in a relationship) that although it is legal to record phone conversations (in Qld), it isn't ethical nor is it normal behaviour. In trying to put my point across, I unsettled him by questioning his mentality and saying it was weird. But is it?

Having myself just come from a previous controlling (DV) relationship, I just want to know if this alarms others? Or if I am I being over dramatic and over analysing?

I don't want to end up where I was before.

New partner has an app downloaded on his phone that asks after every call if he wants to save the recording. 98% of the time he chooses not to save, but he cannot understand how this is unnerving to me, especially if we argue.

Now, I don't have anything to hide, but in general conversation it just doesn't seem necessary to have this available.

To me, recording phone conversations (without the other person being aware) for your own convenience or later use (no matter if your intention is genuine), using an added on third party app, although not illegal doesn't seem ethical.

The person being recorded has no control over what you do with the recording and may feel it could be used against them causing mistrust, wariness and a sense of disloyalty.

So I feel that although legally you can do it, you do so at the risk of relationships suffering.

The mechanism for recording the conversation is NOT built in to the medium, therefore general users would not assume every conversation they undertake is recorded (for whatever reason). If they don't know they are being recorded, they may conduct themselves differently to if they assumed the conversation was being recorded.

The more sensitive the content is, the less likely it is that all participants would allow the recording of the conversation. In my view, some people would only say certain things in a specific moment, and to specific people, spontaneously, if they only believed that it wouldn't be used against them.

By adding the option to record, you are very much controlling the outcome of the conversation.

Video and web conferencing is different. You can almost assume that you're being recorded since the mechanism for recording the conversation is built in to the medium.

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That is the end of what she wrote... back to me now. She has told me that by recording my own calls i am being controlling, she has told me that she cannot trust me.

She fails to mention in her complaint that I had been recording my calls FOR MANY YEARS, a long time before I ever met her. She fails to mention that I TOLD HER I RECORD MY CALLS if i NEED to. She fails to mention that I told her that I WOULD NOT RECORD HER CALLS if that is what she prefers, and her response was that SHE DID NOT MIND, as long as i did not record calls involving her son.

Now, she has posted her scenario, leaving out key factors.... the result of leaving out these factors make it very easy for people to side with her and give her a sense of justification for her unreasonable feelings. She refuses to let me see the responses she has received from her post. When i ask her what I have done to lose her trust, she reminded me of the time she asked me to collect some packing boxes for her to move house and didnt get that job done in time. She said she doesnt trust me, and "why would I", after reminding me that she suffered a DV experience only last week at the hands of her ex partner (verbal abuse). She acknowledges she has trust issues but continues to blame me for this.

When we argue, on several occasions she has told me to off, told me to go away little boy. She has told her son to his face to project his voice and speak up because when he is quiet it makes him look like a "ing idiot". Is that ok?

Just yesterday when I was leaving her house after a visit, I said i better go. I did not get a response from her. Not an ok, not a no worries... nothing. So i stood up and said i hope you have a good day, again i got no response and i left. When explaining to her that i expect her to talk, to say something if i am talking to her... her response is to tell me that I didnt ask a question so it didnt need a reply, she also told me to lower my expectations. She said she is not going to do a song and dance every time i arrive or leave.

I too, would like to get feedback from others regarding her actions. It is clear to me that she has manipulated the truth of her story to the public, to sway opinion in her favour, and the lack of trust stems from experiences beyond my actions. I find this unfair.

NB, it is LEGAL in my state to record audio, i am not doing anything illegal by doing this.

I know its legal in your state, but in others You have to have dual party consent at all times.Just because something is not against the law does not mean its decent and polite and right.

That is why you call a toll free number and it is announced "this call is recorded for quality or training purposes".

I think it doesn't matter whether you did this before you met her or not - its inapprorpriate. Everyone who calls you has to fear you might use their words against them.

Even for your kids, if they live with their mother, you need HER consent. Instead of recording your kids, if you really want to save what their voices sound like at this age, record yourself telling them a bedtime story if they are little and ask them to send you a video or a recording of a story they act out or whatever.

I am sorry, but I am with your girlfriend. Perhaps the word "controlling" is what is triggering you, but I find the practice a little unnerving and paranoid. Also, for business calls, if you want to remember something, take notes, ask if there will be downloadable notes if its a seminar or webinar or ask permission.

The reason perhaps that she is telling you "i am fine with that except for calls that involve my son" perhaps is she wants to avoid confrontation or is sensing you are disturbed about the fact that she does not like it, so she is not being 100% truthful. Also, if you record calls PLUS have stalked out where she is posting on the internet, you sound paranoid and insecure

Why haven't you seen your children in four years?

You're so upset about how she explained her side of the story to internet strangers, wow.

So you're now posting your side of it, why, to outnumber the posts that say she's wrong and not you? Are you guys in actual competition over internet opinions, or is that just you?

You're disagreeing on some other important points too, and the way you talk to and about each other isn't respectful. It's kinda venomous actually, and disdainful.

If you're on such opposing terms, the battle of forum posts is a sad deflection from your real concerns.

It's sounding a bit like being given the chance to be arguing is better than breaking it off for you.

Even if recording a telephone conversation was legal where I reside, which it isn’t, I would not want anyone recording MY conversation with them without my consent. I think most people would feel this way.

And if you believe that there’s nothing wrong with recording your conversations, or that it isn’t unethical, you shouldn’t have any problems disclosing that you’re recording the conversation to the person you’re speaking with, prior to actually recording the conversation.

And if you’re worried about following work related instructions, why not ask the person whose instructing you to send you an email with specifics, or make notes? I do this all the time, and most people I know do the same.

Recording conversations without the other person knowing is extremely sneaky, and to be honest, I can’t help but wonder if you’re doing it for other reasons not referred to in your original post.

What those reasons are, I have no idea.

I also find it interesting that you seem to take issue with your gf posting details of your situation on the internet, yet you see no issue with recording telephone calls where the person you’re speaking with assumes that they’re speaking with you in confidence, and has no idea they’re being recorded.

Also, those “key factors” you mention your gf left out of her post aren’t all that significant or relevant, in my opinion. There was no reason for her to mention these things.

And taking these “key factors” into consideration doesn’t change my opinion either.

I want to record calls from their mother for my own safety. That is a very reasonable use of the call recorder.

she does know that i MAY record the conversation, none of which i have done. I dont need an email sent to me because i have a recording of the call. its much more convenient.

You have not seen your children in 4 years.

I’m assuming recording calls from their mother is because of a long standing custody issue?

What are you trying to unveil by these recordings?

And why is it in the interest of your “safety”?

You two don't seem to like each other. Not at all.

Why are you together?

it is for my own protection, and i have the right to do that.

I want to record calls from their mother for my own safety. That is a very reasonable use of the call recorder.

So then it’s safe to say that you have unresolved control issues with your ex and she has unresolved domestic violence issues from her ex and you two have created a messy codependent soup where you’re battling each other over who on the internet sides with you rather than facing the reality that you just aren’t good for each other and quite possibly anybody else until you both heal...

it is for my own protection, and i have the right to do that.

Why do you have to protect yourself from a woman who live four hours away? I thought you wanted to record conversations with your kid to have keepsake of their voice. Clearly this is not the case.

This is exactly why im paranoid... even you, someone who doesnt know me suspects i have a hidden agenda. I have issues with her posting misleading information on the internet, and giving me no opportunity to explain or give information that supports my situation. I am not responsible for informing my caller that they are being recorded.. it is legal so they are to assume they may be recorded, or they can ask. My GF knows, she has told me she doesn't mind... and i have told her I would not record her calls if thats what she wants, and she declined that offer. What more can I do without missing out on the benefit i get from recording my calls for a legitimate reason?

I never said she lived four hours away, and i never said i wanted recordings for a keepsake... see... this is why i do it.

This is exactly why im paranoid... even you, someone who doesnt know me suspects i have a hidden agenda. I have issues with her posting misleading information on the internet, and giving me no opportunity to explain or give information that supports my situation. I am not responsible for informing my caller that they are being recorded.. it is legal so they are to assume they may be recorded, or they can ask. My GF knows, she has told me she doesn't mind... and i have told her I would not record her calls if thats what she wants, and she declined that offer. What more can I do without missing out on the benefit i get from recording my calls for a legitimate reason?

Well...you are posting anonymously here for advice. We have no way of knowing your name, your age -- we don't care. If she posts anonymously herself --- why is that so disturbing to you?

What more can you do? Delete the app. If you are that paranoid about your ex - communicate only in writing - emails, documents through a mediator, or text. For business calls say "hang on, i want to write this down..." or "where can i find this information listed if i want to read it later"

Why did she decline. My ex used to yell and me and belittle me to the point that i would be in tears, and would turn around and say "am i abusive to you?" i would tearfully shake my head - why? because if i said "yes" - what would happen -- he could have not accepted it and pushed me out of the car or something. I said no because i just wanted to get out of the conversation and de-escalate the situation.

i want calls recorded so i have evidence if accusations are made against me. I have a valid reason for doing this that I do not need to publicize.

I never said she lived four hours away, and i never said i wanted recordings for a keepsake... see... this is why i do it.

"I have been doing this for over three years as I don't want to miss calls from my children"

Why haven't you seen your kids in four years??

"I have been doing this for over three years as I don't want to miss calls from my children"

The whole thing is weird.

I understand the concept behind it and can respect your reasons for doing it (free will here and let's keep it basic without bringing in the kids).

Despite that you do have a right to exercise free will and take care of yourself, I think your methods are unusual and overkill (for lack of a better term) in most people's day to day lives. If you do have or have experienced severe traumatic experiences and have been advised by your counsel or lawyer or some other advisor to use this as a means of protecting yourself for an interim or indefinite period of time, it would make more sense than it does now. On the outset, I think you should in some small way, even if you dislike it, resign yourself to accepting that this type of behaviour is really quite odd and unwarranted. Even if it is not odd by your standards, it is odd by many's standards.

Having said that, you are asking the "many", where the "many" represents the majority of the members on an anonymous online forum. You are going to receive an answer... unfortunately, it's not one that's similar to how you feel about the matter or how justified you feel.

The bottomline is: YOU need to feel comfortable in your own skin doing what you do or what you have to do. If you are adamant that this is the right course of action, don't worry so much about what others think and eventually you'll have to come to terms with the conflict in your relationship and learn to respect what your partner doesn't like. She doesn't like this about you. Call a spade a spade and respectfully let each other go. There is no need to call each other crazy or criticize each other. The right person will understand you and your circumstances. You also don't deserve to subject yourself to judgment that is not applicable to you. The overall consensus is that this behaviour is not what the majority of people do in ordinary circumstances. If you live in an extraordinary situation, that's unique to YOU so don't bother what anyone else says. It won't be applicable to you.

Since you are aware of what your gf posted online, I’m assuming she showed you the responses she got and was using the post in order to get several to agree with her and present it to you to prove her point to you.

And in retaliation you are doing the same?

Correct me if I’m wrong?

Since you are unwilling to remove the app for your reasons which have nothing to do with her , ask her straight up if it’s a deal breaker for her?

If it is , then you part ways.

If it isn’t , then the conversation should never be brought up again.

End of story.

But I don’t think this is the only issue in your relationship.

she does know that i MAY record the conversation, none of which i have done. I dont need an email sent to me because i have a recording of the call. its much more convenient.

The conversation with your girlfriend too, though? If that's what you mean, I can see why she's upset. I don't get why you would ever feel the need to record her call.

However, it seems there are other serious problems in your relationship and a lot of hostility. Just end it.

“When we argue, on several occasions she has told me to off, told me to go away little boy. She has told her son to his face to project his voice and speak up because when he is quiet it makes him look like a "ing idiot". Is that ok?

Just yesterday when I was leaving her house after a visit, I said i better go. I did not get a response from her. Not an ok, not a no worries... nothing. So i stood up and said i hope you have a good day, again i got no response and i left. When explaining to her that i expect her to talk, to say something if i am talking to her... her response is to tell me that I didnt ask a question so it didnt need a reply, she also told me to lower my expectations. She said she is not going to do a song and dance every time i arrive or leave. ”

Her parenting skills or lack of are none of your business.

How she treats you is.

You have not seen your own kids for 4 years , so I fail to see why you comment on her parenting skills when you are an absent father? Is that what this issue is really about?

You initially said you record calls because you don’t want to miss out on conversations with your kids. You later said , you were actually recording the conversations with their mother?

What exactly is the unresolved conflict with your kids mother ? And why have you not been “allowed” to see them?

You are their father? No loving , giving (emotionally and financially) father is ever denied to see their children.

Is it your choice not to see them?

It's not looking good. At 6 mos in there is too much conflict and you both seem too damaged from your pasts. You can do what you want, however your gf should simply stop voice calling you altogether and simply text. This way everyone has a record of things.

Conducting your personal life as a court reporter for "evidence" screams of issues with your ex and custody, legal problems, criminal activity or just pain old controlling paranoid behavior. I would most like terminate a personal call if someone told me they were recording it.