Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15

Thread: Sister

  1. #1
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    969

    Sister

    So I wrote here before about my estranged half sister, if anyone cares to read the backstory about my first contact from her:

    [Register to see the link]

    Now I am in a very good place in life. I moved out of my family home soon after that post, to start at a wonderful job and move into my own place. After a few months of a scary adjustment period, I finally felt safe and became completely independent from my parents, who then permanently moved out of state eventually. My relationship with them improved greatly, after naturally becoming less involved in their lives while also actively distancing myself from becoming too close.

    I have not heard from my sister since. During the adjustment period I mentioned, it seemed to have gotten really ugly on all fronts. Our father threw around threats of violence, restraining orders, and police intervention against my sister, among other family members. He even tried to get me to sign an order against her (I didn't). After I felt secure enough about a year or so later on my own, I sent one message and a friend request to her via Facebook, which was never even read. It was the only contact I had of hers.

    Now I recently got a hold of her contact list; a couple of phone numbers and her current address. It was easier than I thought it would have been to obtain. Facebook made it easy to garner enough of her personal information to make it so. I guess it just took the resolve to take the leap of faith as time passed after the failed attempt, the recent holiday, and the courage to finally be ready for the sh**storm that will most definitely come.

    What do I say? I thought about calling. I figure a letter might get lost or unanswered; too many unknowns. A phone conversation is more direct. Does anyone have any experiences with contacting a family member in a similar situation? How did it go (good and bad)? When should I contact? What should I prepare for (my sister and parents-wise)? I have too many questions. I'm so nervous and my stomach hurts.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,292
    Gender
    Female
    I would just send her a message- -- not just a friend request on Facebook. Things were awfully dramatic when you communicated with her before. I would in my note just express you found her on Facebook, you have moved out of your father's house and welcome a relationship with her if she would like or would at least want to stay in touch if she is okay with it. And leave her be. I think it would be upsetting if you contacted her by other means -- means that you did not previously have. If you had her number and facebook - that is what i would use. She may have changed her mind about wanting a connection with you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,675
    My father had sort of a similar situation with his half-sister, and it worked out well, but they were much older when they reconnected.

    In your situation, you are adults now, and your father seems to get very upset with all of this, so you know what? I'd make sure he doesn't know about this. He doesn't need to. Your half-sister? Your life, not his.

    I'd call her. Or, if you have her email address, then email her. But no more Facebook, Insta, Snap, or whatever other social media method. She may you blocked on those, plus it's just not....emotional enough, or something.

    My vote is to call her and leave her a nice message about how you've thought of her and you'd like to be in touch. Period. Nothing long or drawn out. She probably won't answer, but if you do talk, keep it light and cordial at first, and then ask to meet for coffee.

    She's got to be angry at having been pushed aside and thought of as a mistake that must be hidden, after all these years. I know I would.

    I just watched "My 600 Lb. Life" (guilty pleasure show), and the guy who actually weighed well over 700 lbs., was an "affair mistake", and that took such a toll on him that he ate himself to bedridden status. That kind of cr*p does a number on someone. Who knows how your sister really feels.....it can't be great.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,352
    Gender
    Male
    Why would you even want contact with someone this troubled and difficult and that you had the resolve to remove from your life? Try no to get hung up on the words "family" and "sister". It's a hallmark card myth that just because someone is 'family' they will love us and miraculously be decent people.

    Toxic people are toxic, no matter their title or relationship to you. Only include positive reliable people in your life and you'll be much happier. Reflect on your motives for wanting this contact and whether it is viable and positive.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,675
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why would you even want contact with someone this troubled and difficult and that you had the resolve to remove from your life? Try no to get hung up on the words "family" and "sister". It's a hallmark card myth that just because someone is 'family' they will love us and miraculously be decent people.

    Toxic people are toxic, no matter their title or relationship to you. Only include positive reliable people in your life and you'll be much happier. Reflect on your motives for wanting this contact and whether it is viable and positive.
    This is all very true, and I don’t know enough of the history.

    I guess the real question is: Why? What’s your true motivation in getting in touch with her?

    As Wiseman wisely said, life doesn’t work like a Halllmark movie, where the sisters reunite, with shopping, lunch, and a fast forward of kids & families celebrating Christmas together. Far from it.

  7. #6
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    969
    Huh? I never had any resolve to remove anyone. My sister didn't do anything wrong that I can see, except contact our dad. She said she wants to know me and to contact her when I am ready if it got difficult at home (when I used to live there), from our last conversation via FB. I have only distanced myself from my parents. I did always have the resolve to at least contact my sister when I found out I had one. I didn't know about her existence until I was 20-21 years old since I was never told about her and didn't hear from her until that one time she contacted me when I was 23. I am almost 26 now. My intentions are to get to know her myself, not through anyone else or from those who haven't even met her or know her at all.

    Our father left her as a small child, never contacting her or the mother since. I apparently have nieces and nephews too, who my sister offered to introduce. I want to know my family and see if I would like to form any relationships after actually getting to know them, that is all. All of my family has been estranged by my father on both sides of the family, most of them since I was the age of 10. With the exception of literally one cousin on my mother's side. I don't respect or trust his opinions anymore after everything he's said and done.

    As an independent adult now, I have the autonomy away from the toxic dysfunction of my parents in order to pursue some kind of a relationship with my other relatives. I am not disillussioned. I realize they may not be people I should associate with, or they might just be. I have no idea. I have never known them. Only some when I was very small, who I have no contact with currently. At least my half brother is a good person I have a relationship with. Nothing ventured, nothing gained is how I see it. Cutting off people obviously didn't work for our dad. I don't see why just contacting my other blood relatives, who I have never known or met, is a bad idea? I make friends and form relationships with people the same way.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,675
    Then you've obviously, clearly thought through your desire to contact her, and I say, go for it.

    Just, my advice is to call if you can, rather than Facebook, etc., but if that's the only way you can find her, then go ahead with that method.

    You sound like you've put a lot of thought into this, and that you've recognized your family dysfunction for what it is, and that you truly want to reach out to her, and I get it.

  9. #8
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    969
    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Then you've obviously, clearly thought through your desire to contact her, and I say, go for it.

    Just, my advice is to call if you can, rather than Facebook, etc., but if that's the only way you can find her, then go ahead with that method.

    You sound like you've put a lot of thought into this, and that you've recognized your family dysfunction for what it is, and that you truly want to reach out to her, and I get it.
    Thank you, for you and abit's advice on how to approach it. I think calling would be best. It does make me more nervous, since I can't plan out all of my responses in a very first impression-based conversation we'll be having. I'm not sure how it will go. I hope I get to leave a voicemail and a call back so I won't catch her in a surprise. Who knows what our dad told her about my intentions with her, or what he threatened her with...I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. It's all too funny ya'll were thinking only puppies and rainbows were in my head...I'm nervous because I've been thinking of all the good and bad senarios that this could turn into (the sh**storm lol). However, I'm undeterred by that, just jittery.

    Hey, if it doesn't go well, at least I tried. Even down the road, if it eventually goes sour, at least I can say I tried but we didn't get along well. Of course I'd like a nice outcome and that's what I hope out of this, but if it doesn't work out that way then there's nothing I can do. At least I'll have no regrets.
    Last edited by yatsue; 04-27-2019 at 10:01 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,675
    I’m glad you’re being realistic, and I believe your intentions are good. Let that come across in your voice mail message.

    You sound incredibly mature to recognize family dysfunction for what it is, and for walking away from it.

    There’s a term I like called “Civil Connect”, where we maintain civil, cordial, but purely superficial relationships with these dysfunctional souls. Sounds like you’re already doing that with your dad. In my case, it was my mom, and I can tell you, it helped me through decades of would-be emotional trauma. When all you allow for discussion is the weather, movies, the appetizers, there’s not much the dysfunctional person can use to hurt you.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,246
    Gender
    Female
    I read your other thread. I can see why you would be afraid to contact your half sister. Obviously it is because of your dad's extremely abusive behavior towards you and your family, and his disparagement of your half-sister and her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened your half-sister as well, hence the difficulty in reaching her.

    I would still try, though. Don't tell your parents about it. It's your life, not their's.

    I am actually on the opposite side of this situation. I am the result of a teen pregnancy. I was adopted by another family and raised thousands of miles away from where I was born.

    I discovered my biological father and three half siblings in early 2018, after taking an Ancestry DNA test. I reached out to them, but only my youngest half-brother responded. He stopped responding after only a day of communication. My other half-brother blocked me without any response. My bio-father and half-sister didn't respond and didn't block me.

    It would be nice to know them, but obviously something is going on with them. I don't want to make it worse, so I'll just let that be.

    Early this year, I discovered another half-sister. She is a lot younger than me, the daughter of the same man. She was born out of wedlock, during our bio-father's extra-marital affair. Her mother kept her and she was raised in the same town as our other three half-siblings. In fact, she went to the same high school as our youngest half-sibling. He was two grades below her. She didn't find out until the day she graduated. She reached out to the youngest. He was very nice, but explained that he didn't feel right talking to her, out of respect for his mother. She didn't receive much response from the other siblings.

    Interestingly, she did have a relationship with our father. He must have visited her in secret or something. She never met any of her other relatives on that side; no grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. That's kind of weird to imagine (daddy, don't you have any relatives?). But if it's the situation you grew up in, you might not question something like that.

    She and our father don't have much of a relationship at all. She's actually sort of afraid of him.

    This second half-sister and I do talk, and I am glad. I hope I will get to meet her one day.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •