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Thread: Sister

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I’m glad you’re being realistic, and I believe your intentions are good. Let that come across in your voice mail message.

    You sound incredibly mature to recognize family dysfunction for what it is, and for walking away from it.

    There’s a term I like called “Civil Connect”, where we maintain civil, cordial, but purely superficial relationships with these dysfunctional souls. Sounds like you’re already doing that with your dad. In my case, it was my mom, and I can tell you, it helped me through decades of would-be emotional trauma. When all you allow for discussion is the weather, movies, the appetizers, there’s not much the dysfunctional person can use to hurt you.
    I hope my sister believes so as well, especially after being disconnected for some time now. That's a term I haven't heard of before. I would say it sums it just about right :) I'll have to use it if I ever need to talk about my relationship with my parents.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I read your other thread. I can see why you would be afraid to contact your half sister. Obviously it is because of your dad's extremely abusive behavior towards you and your family, and his disparagement of your half-sister and her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened your half-sister as well, hence the difficulty in reaching her.

    I would still try, though. Don't tell your parents about it. It's your life, not their's.

    I am actually on the opposite side of this situation. I am the result of a teen pregnancy. I was adopted by another family and raised thousands of miles away from where I was born.

    I discovered my biological father and three half siblings in early 2018, after taking an Ancestry DNA test. I reached out to them, but only my youngest half-brother responded. He stopped responding after only a day of communication. My other half-brother blocked me without any response. My bio-father and half-sister didn't respond and didn't block me.

    It would be nice to know them, but obviously something is going on with them. I don't want to make it worse, so I'll just let that be.

    Early this year, I discovered another half-sister. She is a lot younger than me, the daughter of the same man. She was born out of wedlock, during our bio-father's extra-marital affair. Her mother kept her and she was raised in the same town as our other three half-siblings. In fact, she went to the same high school as our youngest half-sibling. He was two grades below her. She didn't find out until the day she graduated. She reached out to the youngest. He was very nice, but explained that he didn't feel right talking to her, out of respect for his mother. She didn't receive much response from the other siblings.

    Interestingly, she did have a relationship with our father. He must have visited her in secret or something. She never met any of her other relatives on that side; no grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. That's kind of weird to imagine (daddy, don't you have any relatives?). But if it's the situation you grew up in, you might not question something like that.

    She and our father don't have much of a relationship at all. She's actually sort of afraid of him.

    This second half-sister and I do talk, and I am glad. I hope I will get to meet her one day.
    I appreciate you sharing your view from the other side. That's pretty wild, learning about close relatives through ancestry. My current job has a branch that performs that exact testing (I get a discount to use it). It makes me curious if there's...anything else I should know about now haha. It's unfortunate to hear some of them didn't reach back out to you when you did. I wonder if they're in disbelief?

    I definitely do not plan on informing either of my parents about contacting her, although I won't be surprised if they find out. I'm prepared to assert my boundaries to uphold my autonomy and will shut any adversary down by not engaging in their toxic antics. While growing up, I met some of my relatives every so often, so I knew I had them. One day, all the visits just stopped and I even remember asking why we didn't see them anymore. The excuses seem like BS now, reflecting back on it. I'm talking about multiple people in the family on my mother's and father's side. At least 20 people we're talking about. ALL of them can't possibly be the problem. There is one common denominator here.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by yatsue
    While growing up, I met some of my relatives every so often, so I knew I had them. One day, all the visits just stopped and I even remember asking why we didn't see them anymore. The excuses seem like BS now, reflecting back on it. I'm talking about multiple people in the family on my mother's and father's side. At least 20 people we're talking about. ALL of them can't possibly be the problem. There is one common denominator here.
    Interesting.

    You know, one of the first things abusers do in relationships is isolate the abusees from other people.

    Are you interested in reestablishing relationships with these relatives in the future? (A lot of "r"s in that sentence.....)

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Interesting.

    You know, one of the first things abusers do in relationships is isolate the abusees from other people.

    Are you interested in reestablishing relationships with these relatives in the future? (A lot of "r"s in that sentence.....)
    I wish to again, but unfortunately I only know of their first names. I was so young, I can't remember much else about their possible contact information. I have reservations about asking my parents for more details, but perhaps my mother I could consult in private (hard to do). I realize abusers do isolate others, which is a very disturbing realization I had come to over the years. I used to think my family was a good one, until I entered high school I started to see more of the signs.

    For the longest time I was blind to it, since my father does have a lot of awful medical issues; Graves' disease, Crohn's-colitis, arthritis, general neuralgia (trigeminal for a long time), stiff man's syndrome, lupus (in remission currently), etc. I've lost track. He's on a lot of medications, in which some are anti-depressants. I've heard directly from his doctors about how much pain he's been in all of this time and how close he's been knocking on death's door. He's seriously physically and mentally ill, but that cannot be an excuse to abuse people. He doesn't like being around people he doesn't know well, so I imagine he started distancing himself for his own well being, but then started to turn this thinking onto others and can no longer control his emotions when things start to go out of his control. I have sympathy for his condition, but sadly it's too much of a toll taken on my own well being.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    yatsue, I would call instead of contacting electronically. If you contact her via FB (or text / email), it's easier to either get ignored, given the cold shoulder, receive an abrupt, curt reply and something will get lost in translation.

    In my past, whenever I've reconciled or reached out to a long lost relative or friend, it was by phone call because there's more heart, dialogue exchange and healthy emotion infused which is impossible with cold electronics. You actually hear a voice, she hears yours and both sides are more apt to be softer and cooperative. With FB (or text / email), you'll receive more blunt answers which can be misconstrued and not received well especially on your end. With a phone call, there can be arrangements made to get together and there's more love behind verbal exchanges which is almost as good as being together in-person. You can't get that from just typing and writing.

    If you don't know what to say, be natural, kind, soft spoken, very humble, modest and she will feel and sense your sincerity behind your phone conversation with her. Speak from your true heart and she will feel it. Then she is more apt to respond likewise. What helps is to say "I'm sorry" in your wording. It's not exactly a full blown apology for any wrongdoing but it's sincere to express any regrets about what could have been should the circumstances been different. For me, it went very well because I was humble and gave my utmost sincerity. Contact her when you feel like it. Make this relationship between you and your sister and don't discuss nor dwell on your parents nor your father's topics. Leave that out as much as possible and focus on you and your sister. If the subject comes up with your parents, speak as if you're overheard, remain cautious, careful and respectful even if other people in your family tree are unkind. It doesn't mean you have to fight fire with fire. Remain civil and polite always. Always show respect to everyone even if they're not the same. Always have class. It doesn't mean you have to engage at their level. Enforce your own healthy boundaries with those who are unnecessarily complicated and unkind.

    Calm down and your nervousness and stomach pains should decrease; hopefully to nil. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope it goes well for you and your sister, yatsue. Show your sincere attitude towards your sister and you will be alright. Wishing you all the best. Rekindling and forgiveness are beautiful paths. Start anew, start fresh and your relationship can flourish with her. Leave the drama out, exercise self-control always and you'll be A-okay!

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