I Got Ghosted

Hi everyone.

I wasn't sure what category to put this post in, as I am a lesbian and the problem I'm having is with someone I *almost* started a relationship with, but it ended up being more of a friendship, I guess. It's a pretty confusing situation, but I'll try and explain it as best I can.

Basically, almost two months ago, I met this girl who seemed to show a romantic interest in me, and the feeling was mutual. She and I were both in the same friendship group, and so our friends introduced us basically, claiming that we would be a good fit. I was excited to pursue this, and took it slowly, as I normally would. This girl, I'll call her C, and I got on brilliantly. The spark was there pretty much instantly.

We hadn't even met yet, but because our bond grew so strong, she decided on a whim to catch a train (she lives about two hours from me) to come and visit me, so we could meet for the first time. I was happy to do this, as I was excited to meet C. Our original plan was to meet up with our friends, as all of us had previously arranged a social gathering. Then our plan changed to C coming to mine for a few days, and then she and I would go and meet our friends for the gathering together.

C coming and staying at mine ended up just as lovely as I had imagined it. We had a couple of nice relaxing days at my flat, and I like to think that our romantic bond grew even stronger. So all was good there. Then, the day came where we were due to meet our friends for a night out, so we got ready, caught our train and met up with friends.

As the night came, myself, C, and my friends ended up having an in-depth conversation which resulted in me admitting that I have recently been struggling in terms of my mental health. I explained to everyone that I have been in quite a dark place, but I was doing all that I could to fix it. I figured that this was an okay thing to admit, as I was with people I trusted, and I wanted to be honest with them, especially C, as I wanted her to know about me before she decided to be in a relationship with me. I figured it was better that way, in case she found out later down the line and decided she didn't want to be with me.

Then, after the night out and staying with friends, I said my goodbyes to my friends and to C, and took the train home by myself (C and my friends were staying where we were for another few nights, but I had to return home to attend to other commitments). I thought that the night, despite a few emotional moments during our deep conversation, ended up being generally successful.

I didn't hear much from C after that. She didn't message as often as she did before we met. I didn't think much of it, as she was prone to being quite busy and messaging people wasn't always her top priority. I thought that was a fair reason. So I got on with my day-to-day life until eventually I started to get a bit of a worrying thought: what if me being so open about how I've been in such a dark place put her off?

So I sent her an honest message. I told her that if she has changed her mind about me romantically, that's absolutely fine. I said that if she just wanted to be friends, that was fine too. I didn't want to be the type of person to pressure someone or make them feel obligated to be in my life if they were uncomfortable with it. I tried to make things as easy-going for her as possible. She told me that I had got it all wrong, that she was still interested and that she just felt that it might be better for me if she gave me some space. I understood this reasoning, and dropped it.

Fast forward to a few weeks after. This is the part that is hugely difficult to talk about, and the main reason why I searched on Google for this advice forum and made an anonymous account. Revealing my identity would make my life practically impossible to live. I will put a TRIGGER WARNING here, just in case.

Almost three weeks ago, I was sexually assaulted. It is still an ongoing police issue, I am still being seen by my assigned specialist officer on a regular basis, and my life has been completely turned upside down. I have spent the last three weeks pretending nothing is wrong, still acting cheerful with my friends and family, and using every inch of my being to avoid thinking about what happened to me. I've been seen by doctors, police officers, I have had my body looked at from top to bottom. I have never felt so violated and sickened with myself. For several days after it happened, I was constantly running to my bathroom to vomit. After it happened, I completely isolated myself. I didn't touch my phone for days, which is when my friends started to worry. I just didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to make it real. However, the first person to phone me ended up being C. She was the first person I picked up my phone for. I didn't want my friends to worry, so I told myself that if anyone called me rather than messaged, that I should pick up, just in case they think the absolute worst. I live alone, and the last time I didn't pick up my phone, my friends had assumed I had done something terrible, so they called the police and an ambulance to my address. I felt absolutely awful for wasting everyone's time and making them worry, so I promised myself I'd never put my loved ones through that again. So, yes, I answered the phone to C, still thinking that I had absolutely no intention of telling her what happened. I even had some kind of lie planned, in case she asked.

However, my voice cracked the instant I said hello, so C knew something was wrong straight away. I kept trying to fob her off, telling her I was fine, but I couldn't hide the pain in my voice no matter how hard I tried. C then attempted to guess what had happened, which only made it more difficult to hide it. After a few guesses, she somehow figured it out, and I burst into tears. Immediately, C told me she had booked train tickets and she was coming to me that same day. I cried even harder, feeling guilty that she would go to so much trouble for me. It was already late in the day as well, so C ended up right outside my door at around midnight. She gave me a long hug, and comforted me by distracting me with other things. She never asked what exactly happened, which I appreciated. I was still incredibly numb from the experience, so I wasn't able to talk about it at all. I spent a few days with C, and we then parted ways again. The night after we said goodbye to each other, I sent her a long message, repeatedly thanking her for her wonderful compassion and that I'd do the exact same for her in a heartbeat, and that she should never forget how much of an amazing person she is.

She saw the message I sent, but never responded. Again, I didn't think much of it, as I know that she's a busy person, and I guess it wasn't a message that required a response. Several more days pass, and because I still hadn't heard from her, I decided to give her a call, just to see if she was okay, and to thank her again for all she had done for me. I could tell by the amount of rings and the immediate switch to voicemail, that she rejected my call. That's when I started to worry, but again, I tried to tell myself that she was probably in a busy moment and couldn't answer the call right then. Just to make sure, I sent her another message, asking her if she was okay and whether I had done anything to upset her. No response. I sent her one last message, apologising if I had done anything, and saying that I'll leave her alone if she likes. No response. I began to really worry at this point, and began to rack my brains trying to think what the problem could be. I then started to panic, thinking maybe me opening up to what had happened to me, had triggered her in some way and put her in a dark place, as I was aware that she had gone through something similar. Or perhaps, she felt as though she couldn't be my friend anymore as she didn't want the pressure of having to comfort someone who recently went through such a traumatic experience. I didn't expect that kind of thing from her, ever. I just called her to see if she was okay, which is also what I said in my final message to her.

Finally, I ended up having to message her housemate (who I also recently became close to as a friend) just to see what's happened. Her housemate seemed incredibly certain that it wasn't anything personal to me, that C was just going through a hard time at the moment and she tends to go "off the radar" for a while when that happens. From the easy-going way her housemate was talking about it, I could tell that this must have been a common occurrence for C. This definitely put me at ease, but ever since I have been worried for C, wondering what had happened to bring her into such a place where she isolated herself, much like I did. I wanted to do all I could to make sure she was okay, but there wasn't much I could do if she ignored my messages and rejected my calls. I ended up assuming that the best thing I could do was to leave her alone, and that she would get back to me when she was ready.

Since talking to her housemate, I had been invited to a group chat, which also had C in there. The group chat was to organise a barbecue, just a regular social group chat. I was interested to see if C would communicate in the group chat, seeing as she had been ignoring my messages for over a week at this point. I watched as I saw C happily contributing to the chat, even suggesting dates and times for the barbecue. This was when I got a bit upset, as from the looks of it, C wasn't in so much of a "dark place" that she couldn't arrange a barbecue, but she was in one too much to simply pop me a small response. Out of anger, I left the group chat. I didn't want to have to watch as C was blatantly ignoring me.

It has been two weeks since C and I last spoke, and that was when we had seen each other in person. I have heard absolutely nothing from her since. I have been trying so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, like maybe she wants to organise the barbecue as a sort of distraction from whatever she is going through. I can completely understand that, as I have been doing similar things to distract myself from my particular trauma. But I also can't help but think that it isn't that difficult for her to spend five seconds to respond to me, even if it's just to say that she can't talk right now. To ignore me completely feels a bit like a knife through the heart, like I'm not even worth that minute amount of effort to her anymore.

I haven't been bothering her since I tried calling her that one time and sent her those two messages after she rejected my call. I figured that was the best thing I could do, but right now I am torn between messaging her one last time, or just continuing to leave it alone. I have been torturing myself, trying to figure out why I deserve to be completely ignored. I'm constantly torn between thinking I should simply give her more time and she'll get back to me eventually, or that she never will and I should just give up. I've been reliving every single second of our time together, thinking about how interested she seemed in me at first, how she went to all that trouble to book tickets to see me the same day she found out about what happened to me, and now all of a sudden it's like I don't exist to her. It's honestly driving me insane, and I hate that it's all that occupies my thoughts at the moment. I want to forget about it, but when you're left hanging over something like this, you can't help but drive yourself insane until you get some form of closure, which I'm fearful I'll never get.

What makes this situation harder is that C and I are in the same friendship group, so it's not like this is a random romantic encounter that I can just learn to forget about and move on. C and I are bound to see each other again at some point in the future because we share the same friends, and that's what makes this situation awkward and frustrating. As much as I would have loved to go to that barbecue that our friends arranged, I ended up having to explain to the person who invited me to the group that I felt as though I wouldn't be able to make it. The idea of seeing C before any of this is resolved brings up a lot of anxiety for me. I don't want to be in the same social gathering that she is at, if it turns out to be super awkward to see her. But I also don't want to have to constantly cancel on my friends for this reason. I also hate spreading drama, so none of my friends are actually aware of any of this, so they just assumed I cancelled for a completely different reason. I have been thinking about maybe asking one of my friends for advice, but I don't want to look like I'm trying to stir trouble. I just want some answers, and to be able to resolve this, so I can happily see my friends without any anxiety or awkwardness. I kept telling C constantly that if she preferred to be friends rather than to have a romantic attachment to me, I was fine with that. During the days coming up to her deciding to stop talking to me, I did eventually get the impression that she'd rather be friends (even though she didn't actually say the words, I just guessed by her actions towards me), so I decided to stop being romantic and flirtatious with her and just be friendly towards her instead. She knew I was still interested, but I am never one to push or pressure someone into a romantic thing if they didn't want to.

I guess I wanted to write this whole thing down here to perhaps ease my mind about it, and to get some advice. I am more than accepting of any responses, I want you guys to be honest with me. A part of me feels as though I might be being a bit overdramatic, so please tell me if you think that. I guess it's because I personally would feel so guilty about leaving someone hanging like this, that I'd never do such a thing, despite what I was going through. It's that mindset that I have that made me answer the phone when I isolated myself for several days after what I went through. I never want people to worry about me or worry about upsetting me, so I always get back to everyone as soon as I can, or as soon as I feel mentally able to if I'm going through a hard time. So I guess that's what upsets me, because I'd never do this to another person, that another person, a person who I thought had a lot of patience and compassion, is doing it to me.

I'm so sorry that this post is so incredibly long, but I guess I've had this on my mind for a couple of weeks now, and haven't said a word to anyone about it. I am so very grateful to anyone who reads the whole thing and takes the time out to respond to me. Thank you so much.

I am terribly sorry for all you have been going through. My sense is that C is overwhelmed by being in the therapist/caregiver role with respect to you. In what you wrote I see a whole lot about you sharing very intense, intensely personal information with her, very challenging and complicated emotions and yes it is "in depth" but it's all about what's deep and in depth to you. Of course this is not a time where you can be much of a giver but because of that I don't think it's the right time to develop a new romantic relationship. You're simply not available for a reciprocal relationship. C was extremely giving and generous with her time and attention and emotional investment especially to someone new in her life, and since she is human and not a therapist she overextended herself and ended up reacting by retreating -not in the warmest and fuzziest way - but again she is human and got overwhelmed.

She did and does have a lot of patience and compassion. And without meaning to you asked too much of her. Yes she could have exited sooner and known herself and known how to distance herself but she messed things up a bit and didn't know when or how to assert boundaries. What you asked of her was more than someone should ask of a layperson you only recently got involved with. You need to speak with professionals, to utilize professional resources, not your friends or a person who you are romantically interested in.

I am on the other side of this to an extent with respect to a new female friend who, it turns out, has significant mental, medical and financial issues and started down the path of not respecting my time/boundaries. I didn't "ghost" but early on I recognized the warning signs and pulled back, asserted certain boundaries, and so far so good. But it's hard, it's hard when you want to be a friend, it's hard to balance self-care against compassion, etc. Your friend didn't do this perfectly and I am telling you it's really hard when faced with an avalanche of someone else's oversharing, TMI and significant issues that require a professional not a friend. Yes, I think you overshared given that she is a new friend and your intention was a romance - and I understand that in your frame of mind, dumping and oversharing can happen - but please understand how the recipient of that feels.

Again I am sorry for all your difficulties and challenges!

First off, from your post, I can sense you are a lovely, kind and sensitive person, and I am so so sorry to hear about everything you are experiencing, esp the assault, on top of everything else.

((BIG virtual hugs))

Re C, I have no doubt she cares for you deeply, but is feeling overwhelmed by everything right now, perhaps even about her feelings and attachment to you, and needs some time to process.

My advice is to give her that space and time.

Try and refrain from seeking reassurance by asking her if she only wants to be friends, or if you've done anything wrong; it's too much pressure during a time she's feeling overwhelmed and processing.

Give her the space to think about you, to miss you.

I understand it's hard cause you're part of the same group, but you can still maintain some distance from her while attending the same events.

Or if it makes you too uncomfortable, you can graciously decline; in time you may feel better about it, or best case scenario, C realizes she does want to pursue a romantic relationship with you.

Take care of yourself in the meantime, I have found that things always have a way of working out the way they're meant to, supposed to.

It's all a journey, and one great big learning experience.

Hi batya33, thank you so much for your honest response. I can absolutely understand your reasoning, I have constantly been fearful that I over shared what I went through when it should have been something I told a professional instead. I can definitely empathise with the fact that it's hugely difficult for the other person to take on, and this could've been the result of that.

However, I should say that I constantly expressed guilt to C for saying anything at all. I told her I felt absolutely awful for putting all of this on her, because I never want to be a burden on anyone. She is the one who guessed what happened, she is the one who came straight to mine after guessing, even though I told her through tears of guilt that she didn't have to. And her response to me repeatedly expressing how bad I felt was that I was just being silly, and she said that if she wasn't mentally able to be there for me, she wouldn't have done it. She constantly had to confirm this to me. But yes, it's possible that she was just saying all of that to make me feel better. But I never wanted her to take on a "carer" type role, she just happened to be the first person who called me after it happened, and I simply wasn't able to keep it to myself. As well as this, I had already spoken to police about it by that point, and they actively encouraged me to reach out to loved ones, so I guess I thought I was doing the healthy thing by finally talking about it to C.

After all of this, a romantic connection to C or to anyone was and still is the last thing on my mind. I don't care if she didn't want to date me, I just wanted to know if she was okay. But I guess you're right, the timing of all this is a bit screwed up and her natural human reaction is to retreat from this, which I completely understand. I wouldn't hold that against anyone. I guess I'll keep hoping for a response one day, but I'm not so sure I'll get one. Either way, I'll keep my distance so she can figure out what's best for her.

This must be such an intense time for you! I think you have to get to a place where you take more responsibility and accountability for your choices. Yes, I've been there where I feel like saying -or I do say - "I am sorry if I talked your ear off" or "did I talk your ear off" - but I own whether I think I did no matter what the person says. And yes I've said -and meant - "please, I want to be there for you!" - and yes if I were asked whether it was too much it would be hard for me to be direct and tell someone who's already down "yes it's too much, I need space". Because I'm not perfect. If you felt "absolutely awful" then you would have stopped what you were doing. I know she came to you and you had the power to tell her "no, don't" or "ok, let's meet for __ hours and then I need to be alone" (even if you didn't). It's not fair for her to "constantly have to confirm" that to you- what is she supposed to do with a person in a crisis?

You were able to keep it to yourself or if you weren't then you had time when you needed to catch a breath to pause, stop yourself, and say "wow, I'm obviously in a bad place. Thank you for listening, for offering to be there for me, and I think I need to speak with someone professional - I will keep you posted as to how I'm doing so you don't worry and again thank you for being there".

I understand you were encouraged to reach out to loved ones. She is not a loved one. She is a new friend. Who knows you are attracted to her. I agree with reaching out to loved ones especially so they can make sure you are ok and perhaps suggest professionals, drive you to an appointment, bring you a meal. Or yes sleep over and stay with you - if it's a really close friend or family member. C is not in that category. It's not healthy when you have to keep confirming that someone is ok listening to you, when you are crying tears of guilt, when you're blurting things out because you're at a point where you cannot control yourself. At that point you need a professional, or a very very close family member or friend IMO.

I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I am also very sorry for the way C has behaved. You do not need this type of treatment at such a challenging time, you need people who are dependable, loving and supportive. This is not who she is.

Focus on you and your healing. Are you seeking therapy? Have you told your friend and family what happened, as you need support?

Please do not reach out to this woman again, in fact, I would block her number, she is not friend material.

I would skip that BBQ, you do not need any more emotional upheaval, as you are dealing with enough.

First off, from your post, I can sense you are a lovely, kind and sensitive person, and I am so so sorry to hear about everything you are experiencing, esp the assault, on top of everything else.

 

((BIG virtual hugs))

 

Re C, I have no doubt she cares for you deeply, but is feeling overwhelmed by everything right now, perhaps even about her feelings and attachment to you, and needs some time to process.

 

My advice is to give her that space and time.

 

Try and refrain from seeking reassurance by asking her if she only wants to be friends, or if you've done anything wrong; it's too much pressure during a time she's feeling overwhelmed and processing.

 

Give her the space to think about you, to miss you.

 

I understand it's hard cause you're part of the same group, but you can still maintain some distance from her while attending the same events.

 

Or if it makes you too uncomfortable, you can graciously decline; in time you may feel better about it, or best case scenario, C realizes she does want to pursue a romantic relationship with you.

 

Take care of yourself in the meantime, I have found that things always have a way of working out the way they're meant to, supposed to.

 

It's all a journey, and one great big learning experience.

Kat, I'm sorry, but I do not agree. She does not need someone like this in her life. She has shown her colors. I realize this was a new friend, but the ghosting is bad.

I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I am also very sorry for the way C has behaved. You do not need this type of treatment at such a challenging time, you need people who are dependable, loving and supportive. This is not who she is.

 

Focus on you and your healing. Are you seeking therapy? Have you told your friend and family what happened, as you need support?

 

Please do not reach out to this woman again, in fact, I would block her number, she is not friend material.

 

I would skip that BBQ, you do not need any more emotional upheaval, as you are dealing with enough.

I agree that she should not be in touch with C again and I can see how difficult this was for C, how she got in over her head and dealt with it poorly but likely without malice. I think the OP blurred the lines between friendship and romance and this plus the complexity of the OP's situation was not a good way to develop either a friendship or a romantic relationship.

You're not ready to date and far too vulnerable at this point. I think you need to cut yourself some slack and stop listening to your chattery friends if they are goading you on in any way to date at this time. Anyone with your best interests will tell you this is not a good time. You barely know C so I'd put away any ideas or concepts that she owes you anything. You say you don't want anyone (or her specifically) to take on the 'carer' role but absolutely did. By being as shaken as you are and as hurt as you are, you behave like you're fragile and that you need extra care. Using the excuse that you share friends is not reason enough for her to owe you another look. This may sound harsh but from an outsider's pov and from where she's standing you're a bit of a mess. Your friends won't tell you this and she won't tell you this because it'll look bad on them but I don't know you and I have no obligation to sugarcoat this reality.

If you're being offered for counselling and extra help, I'd take it if I were put in the same position. I'm sorry for what happened. Heal yourself and think more of yourself. Take care of yourself. Don't stretch yourself so thin and give yourself more time to heal. As for C as a person, she sounds more of a mess than you are. Don't associate with people who take you forgranted and learn from this experience.

Hi batya33,

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I guess I should have probably explained in the original post, but I don't have any close family members or many friends. In that moment during the time C phoned me, she was practically the main person I trusted. Yes she may not fit into the category of "loved one", so perhaps I used that term wrongly. I don't consider her to be a loved one, but I did and still do consider her to be trustworthy, which is why I opened up to her after she insisted on telling me what had happened. I understand that because I haven't known her for long, that it was a mistake to tell her, but she was very insistent on it and on being there for me. The idea of me stopping myself from telling her and continuing to deal with this the way I had originally intended probably would have ended up in a bad way. I'm not sure how I'm meant to take responsibility for my actions after getting sexually assaulted, as I'm pretty sure people react to it in different ways. You may say that I'm now sounding a bit defensive, but please understand that after going through something so unbelievably traumatic, you have NO IDEA what the proper healthy response to it is. I still don't know if I'm doing anything correctly. Is there even a correct way to deal with it? I always thought I'd know, but now that it's happened, I feel completely out of touch with reality.

What I will take responsibility for however is that I am very aware I put far too much pressure on C by telling her, and I shouldn't have done so. But I'm not able to take it all back, because in the moment, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't even know how to function properly as a human being. A part of me still doesn't. I think we can all safely assume that we'd all react in the proper and healthy way to certain situations before they've happened, but when they actually happen to you, all of that can get thrown out the window. Please understand I had no intention of any of this happening, and all I want to do now is make things right.

I agree that she should not be in touch with C again and I can see how difficult this was for C, how she got in over her head and dealt with it poorly but likely without malice. I think the OP blurred the lines between friendship and romance and this plus the complexity of the OP's situation was not a good way to develop either a friendship or a romantic relationship.

I agree. Too much was shared too early in the first meeting with the friend group.

Hi batya33,

 

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I guess I should have probably explained in the original post, but I don't have any close family members or many friends. In that moment during the time C phoned me, she was practically the main person I trusted. Yes she may not fit into the category of "loved one", so perhaps I used that term wrongly. I don't consider her to be a loved one, but I did and still do consider her to be trustworthy, which is why I opened up to her after she insisted on telling me what had happened. I understand that because I haven't known her for long, that it was a mistake to tell her, but she was very insistent on it and on being there for me. The idea of me stopping myself from telling her and continuing to deal with this the way I had originally intended probably would have ended up in a bad way. I'm not sure how I'm meant to take responsibility for my actions after getting sexually assaulted, as I'm pretty sure people react to it in different ways. You may say that I'm now sounding a bit defensive, but please understand that after going through something so unbelievably traumatic, you have NO IDEA what the proper healthy response to it is. I still don't know if I'm doing anything correctly. Is there even a correct way to deal with it? I always thought I'd know, but now that it's happened, I feel completely out of touch with reality.

 

What I will take responsibility for however is that I am very aware I put far too much pressure on C by telling her, and I shouldn't have done so. But I'm not able to take it all back, because in the moment, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't even know how to function properly as a human being. A part of me still doesn't. I think we can all safely assume that we'd all react in the proper and healthy way to certain situations before they've happened, but when they actually happen to you, all of that can get thrown out the window. Please understand I had no intention of any of this happening, and all I want to do now is make things right.

Red, you barely knew this woman- I am speaking of the oversharing at the first group meeting, not when you shared the assault.. It can take me a year to really get to know people and trust them at that level, and that can be too soon..

You need to focus on yourself, not someone who ghosted you.

I think she's taking a step back because she doesn't really know how to help you or what to say that won't further upset the applecart, OP. It's a lot to process, and as batya said, I don't think she is trying to be malicious toward you - but the message is that she does want space. She is a new person in your life and likely just does not want to take on such a significant role for you at this time.

All you can do now is give it time. She knows you've been trying to reach her; she will be in touch if she wants to reopen that door. I don't think there is much more you can do right now. Let the dust settle. Re-evaluate the idea of being friends again at some point in the future, when you feel emotionally balanced and healthy again.

For all you know, this distance might be related to other factors as well. Who knows, maybe she has met someone else and is focusing her romantic attention there.

I think she's taking a step back because she doesn't really know how to help you or what to say that won't further upset the applecart, OP. It's a lot to process, and as batya said, I don't think she is trying to be malicious toward you - but the message is that she does want space. She is a new person in your life and likely just does not want to take on such a significant role for you at this time.

 

All you can do now is give it time. She knows you've been trying to reach her; she will be in touch if she wants to reopen that door. I don't think there is much more you can do right now. Let the emotional dust settle. Re-evaluate the idea of being friends again at some point in the future, when you feel emotionally balanced and healthy again.

 

For all you know, this distance might be related to other factors as well. Who knows, maybe she has met someone else and is focusing her romantic attention there.

I agree with this^^. Which pretty much reiterates what I posted earlier too.

Hi batya33,

 

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I guess I should have probably explained in the original post, but I don't have any close family members or many friends. In that moment during the time C phoned me, she was practically the main person I trusted. Yes she may not fit into the category of "loved one", so perhaps I used that term wrongly. I don't consider her to be a loved one, but I did and still do consider her to be trustworthy, which is why I opened up to her after she insisted on telling me what had happened. I understand that because I haven't known her for long, that it was a mistake to tell her, but she was very insistent on it and on being there for me. The idea of me stopping myself from telling her and continuing to deal with this the way I had originally intended probably would have ended up in a bad way. I'm not sure how I'm meant to take responsibility for my actions after getting sexually assaulted, as I'm pretty sure people react to it in different ways. You may say that I'm now sounding a bit defensive, but please understand that after going through something so unbelievably traumatic, you have NO IDEA what the proper healthy response to it is. I still don't know if I'm doing anything correctly. Is there even a correct way to deal with it? I always thought I'd know, but now that it's happened, I feel completely out of touch with reality.

 

What I will take responsibility for however is that I am very aware I put far too much pressure on C by telling her, and I shouldn't have done so. But I'm not able to take it all back, because in the moment, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't even know how to function properly as a human being. A part of me still doesn't. I think we can all safely assume that we'd all react in the proper and healthy way to certain situations before they've happened, but when they actually happen to you, all of that can get thrown out the window. Please understand I had no intention of any of this happening, and all I want to do now is make things right.

I wrote that you should take responsibility for your actions with respect to C. I wrote nothing about responsibility for your assault. At all.

I understand you had no bad intentions -so, perhaps maybe neither did C, right? Wasn't she thrown into this situation too -both when you shared with her early on about your mental health issues and later with the assault? No one -not me either! -wrote anything about behaving perfectly - I can't imagine how you concluded that from what I wrote. I do know about going through trauma. What I also know is that it's not the best choice to turn to a new friend even if you have no close family or friends around to the extent you did. Certainly a stranger should help you in a crisis -a stranger can take you to an emergency room, stay with you until you're seen, etc - you're talking about asking a new person in your life to act as a therapist and caregiver on two occasions and one involving sexual assault where you were in a really bad way. Yes, of course a friend should get you the help you need but no I don't think it was a good idea for her to "be" the professional help. And she didn't deal with it well either -she could have explained to you what was happening to her rather than going MIA, of course! That is why I wrote that you shouldn't continue the friendship especially now.

From what I understand, this didn't happen right after the assault - obviously it can be traumatic for years but of course right after an assault you're probably numb and in shock and need medical attention -so loved ones or strangers or friends who can be reached or happen to be there should get you the professional attention you need ASAP. You chose to call C so she wouldn't worry about you - so you knew enough to know how to make a call and you were thinking she might think you were in very serious trouble. I get it. And since you knew enough to know that I would hope that you'd know enough to tell her as you've explained here that you were out of touch with reality, that you needed to seek professional help and that you'd appreciate if she'd come over and perhaps take you somewhere to get that help, or wait for help to arrive or wait on the phone with you till help arrived. Perfect reaction? No, that's not what I wrote -I'm pointing out that you made certain choices and if you were able to choose to return her call to explain that you were ok you also were able to choose to explain to her that you were ok and how she could help short of trying to give you professional assistance -which you yourself know you needed, right?

I appreciate that I did the wrong thing, and I appreciate everyone's honesty, even if I do find some of it to be a bit harsh and misinformed (due to me not putting in certain details, I apologise for that). I'm not about to start any arguments or anything like that, I genuinely do appreciate the honesty. I was just looking for advice on how to resolve this issue, not judgement on how poorly I handled a situation. I am more than aware of how poorly I handled it, but like I say, you have no idea how you're going to handle something traumatic when it happens to you. You can think you have it all sorted out in your head but sometimes it just doesn't work like that. I lost my mind completely after it happened. I should repeat again, I'm not looking for anything romantic, ESPECIALLY now. That's not at all my priority. I just wanted to right my wrongs. But I guess you're right, I should focus on myself and fixing that "mess" that one of you so kindly described me as.

I don't think you should try to fix the situation with C right now, OP.

She is indirectly communicating that she doesn't wish to address it. I think attempting to take further action is going to make it even more awkward as she continues to dodge you. Frustrating as that is, you cannot resolve a situation when the other party isn't receptive to it.

With some breathing space for both of you, the tension will probably naturally subside to the point where you can be friendly when you bump into each other. After that, a true friendship may be possible again.

Redgirl, to answer your question, simply step back. Distance yourself.

Give C time to process and breeeeathe. It's a lot for a new friend to take in, imo.

If she's meant to be a good friend (or more) time will tell.

But for now step way back.

You can't fix anything else or anyone if you're not feeling good about yourself so yes, focus more on yourself and take time to heal. Be around more people who encourage your peace of mind, bring more stability and peace to your life and avoid individuals (even so-called friends) who don't bring that kind of peace to your life.

First of all, I'm very sorry about the assault. I hope that in time you'll feel better and put it behind you.

Regarding C, I agree with Hollyj. Don't reach out to her again. Yes, she was there for you when you needed help but ghosting you after all this is just bad behavior. I don't care why she did it, if she felt overwhelmed or what. To me, it's plain rude and harsh and I'd rather someone act like that from the start than suddenly acting as if I'm a nuisance. I would never trust her again.

Just take care of yourself and focus on friends you can trust.

As part of my advice on how to resolve the issue I wanted to explain why I felt that way. If you believe you have no control over how you react when you call a new friend after a crisis then perhaps C can say that until she was in a situation where a new friend was in a crisis situation involving a sexual assault she also couldn’t help how she reacted once she was overwhelmed it seems. You judged her reaction and said you’d never do that and yet you believe that you had no control over agreeing to have her come over and stay with you as long as she did. And remember she’d been through something similar with you recently when you decided to share about your mental health issues. I so wish she’d been strong and mature enough to respond to you and tell you she was overwhelmed and needed space and perhaps offer to help you find additional professional resources.

Did you really want advice or validation that she is evil for ignoring you in your vulnerable state ? She did act in a jerky way. And I gave you the advice to stay away and not pursue a friendship with her. I’m sorry for all you are going through as I wrote above too.