Budding relationship marred by my Psychological Impotence

Hi everyone. I've been posting on and off for years on this site about the various relationship/dating questions I've had, but never in this section. Still, I've always found it very helpful, so hopefully this time is no different. However this time it's a pretty private and embarrassing issue I'm going to ask you about, so please go easy on me :)

So for the last couple weeks I've been going out with this amazing girl. We've hit it off incredibly during our four dates so far, and have each commented on how much we like each other. Last week, we had a pretty intense make out session that ended with her hinting that next time she'd like to do more. Immediately after that she went away for the long holiday weekend. During that time, it wasn't excitement that was consuming my thoughts, it was worry. You see, in the past I've tended to have trouble performing when with a girl for the first time. The pressure of the first time gets to me. Plus, it's been almost two years since I last had sex, which was just another detail added onto my stress pile. I stewed in these thoughts for five days.

The next time we get together, we're in her room on her bed, it's getting hot and heavy, and she starts taking off her clothes. "It's actually happening," I think to myself, "Don't mess this up!" (NOTE: I'm not sure what is considered too inappropriate for this forum, so I'm going to skip over some of the sexier details, haha). Fast forward a bit, and I lose my erection before starting any actual intercourse. She looked incredible lying there, and yet I couldn't get out of my own head, and I knew it wasn't going to happen. She was sensing my frustration, and I told her, straight up, that I get so nervous sometimes that I can't perform. She could not have been more supportive and understanding. Seriously, she made about every reassuring comment that she could, like "That's totally fine, we don't have to do it now," "Don't be sorry! It's not a big deal!" and "We'll just call it a 'To be continued situation,'" plus she thanked me for being honest with her about it. Then she showered me with kisses as I was leaving. Still, I went home feeling about as low and inadequate as a guy can feel. Here I had this amazing girl, who I'm incredibly attracted to, and I can't get past my own anxiety and enjoy being with her physically.

That was two days ago, and I haven't seen her since then. Worse yet, since then I've barely been able to get an erection at all. I even tried masturbating (gosh I can't believe I'm posting about this online!), but could only sustain a partial erection. I know it's psychological because I've never had a problem getting hard before now. I would have an erection the whole time we were kissing, right up until we took our clothes off. I got erections when she would send me a flirty text message, plus all the random ones that guys get during the day, so I know it's not a physical problem. I should also add that I'm only 30 and in good physical shape. In the past when this has happened it was just a one time thing, and I would be able to perform well afterwards. But this time seems more serious and I feel broken. My worries are only compounded because I feel like even though she was super kind and understanding the first time, if it happens again it could be a dealbreaker. And I reallllllly like this girl, and don't want to ruin my chance with her. I absolutely hate that this happened, that I couldn't perform on that night, and solidify our budding relationship into something more. Instead now it seems like we've taken a step back, and I can only hope to get another chance soon.

Does anyone have any advice at all for me on how to deal with and get past this?

I'm older ..and I've possibly seen and heard it all. Yes, it's normal to experience anxiety during sex and difficulty with an erection. It sounds like your relationship with his person is premature and there is not enough emotional connection. You are both not at an adequate comfort level and it sounds like your foreplay is lacking. Get to know each other a bit more and don't rush into sex just because you feel pressured by the situation or what society deems normal. If it's not working it's not working. Go back to the drawing board. Both men and women are falsely programmed(false norms in media) to believe that men's body parts are robotic. It's a rubbish way to treat each other and a lot of pressure to perform and behave a certain way. Mind is connected to body and vice versa. Practice more love and kindness to each other and get to know each other better. Your chemistry is missing something. Once you reach a certain comfort level with someone and a deeper emotional connection, this shouldn't be an issue.

Hey Mr Brightside,

Im at work right now, so I may come back at a later stage to give a fuller answer, but I wanted to say that I am in a similar situation and I can very much empathise with you on this.

My short form advice is dont be so hard on yourself, and dont lament or catastrophize the situation. I recommend going to the doctor and getting all possible physical issues ruled out, and even asking for some low dose viagra. It may be a case of getting that extra help for the first time to break through your psychological block. Alternative, there is supplement called Vein Erect which I used for a while and I believe it did help.

Anyway, good luck!

T

Don't have drinks before sex and as advised above, rule out any physical causes. Also reflect on why you're so nervous. Are you thinking about someone else? Therapy may help to ease and talk through the anxiety.

This is totally normal.

Sometimes the machinery works, sometimes it doesn't, especially in those jittery early days. Whenever I've been in your shoes—shoes I'm pretty sure all men on planet Earth have been in, at all ages—I just take it as a sign, along the lines of what Rose Mosse said, that a level of authentic intimacy and connection is missing for me to go there—that something is being skipped over too quickly and my body is essentially telling me to back up, slow down. Not embarrassing at all, at least for me, since I'm well aware that my body functions just fine. Just an exciting moment to go a little deeper emotionally—with myself and with another—or to move a bit more slowly physically, so you can get fully out of the head and fully into the body, when the time is right.

I was also going to suggest a low dose of Viagra or Cialis. I'm pretty sure the unspoken truth about those pills is that they're used as much for psychological impotence as a real physical condition, not unlike people who pop a Xanax or Klonopin before a flight; they may not suffer from chronic anxiety, but a little helper for the redeye smooths things out. That worked wonders for a friend of mine, back when he was around your age and was running a bit anxious on the dating and romance front. Gave him a little confidence as he was still figuring himself out, getting confident in his own skin. No shame in that, though you don't want to make it a crutch. That friend of mine, for instance, is today 40 and married with a hot, emotionally-rich, pharmaceutical-free sex life with his wife. Half a blue pill helped him get there, in their early stages of connection.

All that said, from reading this and your post about going into a Defcon state after not receiving a text after a short stretch, I have to say that I'd also look at this moment in life as one where the universe is telling you that it's time to really address your anxiety—that you should be as focused and excited about digging into that, on your own, than on this romantic prospect. Because your anxiety right now is risking seriously getting in the way of connection of all sorts.

You're spinning pretty wildly after four dates, and generally speaking it seems you really struggle with understanding what it means to just be present. You're putting an enormous amount of pressure on this woman to be the thing that gives your life meaning, where a healthier person can soothe these jabs of anxiety by going to other things that give meaning and supply confidence: yoga, a hobby, a job, something (or some constellation of things) that instills a sense of security and swagger that is not dependent on anyone else and reminds you that all is good, no matter what happens.

You really like this woman, I get it. But also? You hardly know her. You have no idea where it's going. You need to not just remember that but be comfortable with all that. Because that should be what's exciting right now, slowly exploring the mystery of another human as she explores the mystery of you, not seeing if this human is the "answer" to something you were craving before meeting her. She might not be right for you, in the end, and the end might be next week or five years from now. You might not be right for her, something she can decide at any moment. And that's not only "fine," but actually awesome and thrilling, whichever way it goes. Anxiety, remember, is really just the sharpest edge of excitement. It's basically life tapping you on the shoulder and saying, "Hey, remember me? I'm pretty badass!"

If you can learn to cultivate that mindset a bit more, I think you'll find yourself having a much different reaction to this stuff, physically and emotionally. I also think you'll come to understand what it really means to connect to someone, which isn't just about getting texts when you want texts and having sex when you want sex and feeling on Cloud Nine for a second or day. It's about respecting that there is always more you don't know about someone than that you do, and so it's best to learn how to "get off," so to speak, on the unknowns rather than the knowns.

To be curious about those unknowns requires inner confidence—something I feel you're lacking right now, or at least immediately outsourcing to a woman you don't know. Work to cultivate it in yourself and you'll find where all the sweetness lies. And, well, when you're more confident and curious than insecure and fearful the blood tends to flow between the legs at steadier, pretty reliable clip.

You're spinning pretty wildly after four dates, and generally speaking it seems you really struggle with understanding what it means to just be present. You're putting an enormous amount of pressure on this woman to be the thing that gives your life meaning, where a healthier person can soothe these jabs of anxiety by going to other things that give meaning and supply confidence: yoga, a hobby, a job, something (or some constellation of things) that instills a sense of security and swagger that is not dependent on anyone else and reminds you that all is good, no matter what happens.

 

You really like this woman, I get it. But also? You hardly know her. You have no idea where it's going. You need to not just remember that but be comfortable with all that. Because that should be what's exciting right now, slowly exploring the mystery of another human as she explores the mystery of you, not seeing if this human is the "answer" to something you were craving before meeting her. She might not be right for you, in the end, and the end might be next week or five years from now. You might not be right for her, something she can decide at any moment. And that's not only "fine," but actually awesome and thrilling, whichever way it goes. Anxiety, remember, is really just the sharpest edge of excitement. It's basically life tapping you on the shoulder and saying, "Hey, remember me? I'm pretty badass!"

Thank you, so much bluecastle. Your whole post hit home so hard for me, and I felt a sense of relief immediately upon reading it. I will try to heed your advice as best I can in the coming days. I certainly know I've been acting irrationally, and it needs to change for my own mental health. As you said, I've only known her for a couple weeks, and yet I'm acting like I'm getting dumped by a long-term girlfriend.

I'm not normally such a huge ball of stress. Actually, it's quite the opposite - I'm normally very composed and great at managing the anxieties life throws at me. So let me provide a couple bits of context to help explain why I'm feeling the way I have been. First of all, while it's been three years since my last relationship, I have dated girls during that time, and none of them have ever excited me. So when I meet with this girl and not only do we click right away but she also fulfills nearly all the criteria I'm looking for in a partner, it immediately took it to a new level for me, since I had not felt like that about any of the other girls I'd dated. Secondly, we are grad students (as I mentioned in my other post), and our semester ends on the 15th, wherein I will be heading back home for the summer, a thousand miles away from her. So I guess when it seemed like things were taking off quickly, I really leaned into it and got my hopes up that we could establish a relationship before that happens. Thus the sense of urgency and immediacy I've been feeling with wanting things to happen fast. I thought we were at the same speed, but clearly I was going much faster, and now the distance has become much more noticeable, I suppose.

Obviously I need to slow down, clear my mind, and try to reset. I've already seen her four times in two weeks, which is definitely more than typical when starting out. There's only 2 and a half weeks left until I leave, but if there's ever going to be a chance with this girl at any point in the future, I need to treat these next two weeks much more delicately than I have been so far. In the meantime, I've decided to take a little trip out of town for the weekend, to help take my mind off things and maybe get my groove back a little bit.

I'm older than you. Sometimes that happens to me the first time, sometimes it does not.

One woman was crazy in love with me, and was determined to have sex with me, but I was having trouble keeping an erection. She mounted me and that helped. Then the next time, she offered Viagra she had from her last boyfriend. It worked great! I never needed Viagra again with her after the first time I used it.

A couple other women I was making out with but was not getting very hard.

My last girlfriend was super sweet and seduced me, and I had no problem getting it up for the first time, and we had successful intercourse. However, the second time I saw her was in my home, and I was worried about how well I cleaned the house, and how she would like my home, lol. So that one was definitely due to stress. I told her I would take a Viagra and I did, and we waited 30 minutes and it was on, lol. so I had trouble but the Viagra fixed it. Never had a problem with her after that.

I think in my case, it's many factors - women expect instant gratification sometimes right out of the gate, stress can be a factor, and age, and I think my brain forgets how it is to be with a woman if I don;t have a girlfriend for a period of time. Also, sex normally gets better with a partner as time goes by - it takes time to fall in love.

Now I keep some Viagra around for the first time. It ensures that the first time is perfect. They call it the miracle pill - it is. (on most people, barring health issues.) I buy it cheap overseas.

I'm normally not going to mention I use Viagra the first time to a girlfriend. It's trivial and I don't want her to think it's her fault. Always be honest, but openness and honesty are two different things.

I hope this helps.

My heart goes out to you. Consider how understanding you'd feel toward any loved one in your life feeling pressured to have sex too soon, and then apply that compassion to yourself. Think of how you'd feel about someone who'd pressure your loved one for sex, and then decide for yourself over time whether to credit this near-stranger you're dating as being more reasonable than such a person--and if not, consider why you'd want to set yourself up for such a mismatch.

Respect yourself, and trust your gut--or other parts--to tell you what may not be immediately evident about trying to force a premature bond.