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Thread: Ruminating/micro analyzing

  1. #1
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    Ruminating/micro analyzing

    Okay, about 3 weeks post BU and almost as long NC (well...direct NC). I'm hitting alllllll the stages - the highs of feeling like I'm okay, I'm taking the steps to grow my passions and work on understanding/bettering my own personal problems and role in relationships, and feel I can handle this grief process head on, and then all the other chaotic and sometimes conflicting emotions of denial, sadness, anger, compassion, distraction, and so forth come crashing in. So, so exhausting.
    Anyway, a common denominator is RUMINATING. I am a regular meditator and I STILL cannot stop obsessing over 'signs' of what may be going on on his end (even though I know that's not possible to really know).

    Questions that keep recurring, maybe someone could offer input so I can hear things from someone other than my dang own overthinking self:
    -If he is SO DONE with our relationship, why are our special shared household items with direct representation to our relationship still up? (photos, a vision board, memorabilia, etc, even the kind note I left him when he kicked my ass out).
    This is according to my roommate (where my NC falls short. I talked to her a few days ago).
    -My roommate also told me he is working 24/7 and won't speak a word to anyone about it. He just mopes around and keeps to himself. No socializing or anything.
    -Why isn't he feeling any freakin urgency to send my personal belongings that I left behind and kindly asked him to mail? He said "in a few weeks" he would.
    -I noticed our shared google albums, some with intimate photos of me, are still up and he hasn't blocked me from them.

    I just feel like in a previous situation where I dumped someone (under way different circumstances, it was friendly but I just didn't love him anymore whereas this dude broke up with me during an argument and proclaimed I was the love of his life in the same breath; that he wants time and space to close his heart down to me but also think about a future with me [whatever that conflicting message means]). Anyway, when I dumped someone, I immediately got rid of or hid everything that represented us and reminded me of him.

    My current ex was so cold and callous to me and treated me like I was nothing when he broke up with me, yet all our stuff is still surrounding him! And he is sleeping in my bed with all my furniture around him! What's the deal? It's been 3 weeks. Why hasn't he cleared it all out so he can sever the ties like he obviously wanted? Maybe any dumpers could give insight?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    This is what the bargaining stage feels like. It really sucks because hope is hard to let go of.

    There’s nothing you can do though. Every breakup is slightly different, for every person who immediately purges everything of their exes there’s another who waits until they’re ready. ( I’m actually the latter) so trying to make sense of someone else actions is the definition of crazy making the only thing you have to go on is you two hit a crossroad, neither of you handled it ideally and he told you he needs sgace.

    Even if we tell you he will come back, the only person who truly knows his intentions is him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your friendship with your roommate is not doing you any favours and that kind of info is inappropriate, a breach of privacy and respect towards both of you. I understand you're in pain but you're going to have to find your way through this without creating more pain for yourself. It's difficult but it's also doable. You have to know in your heart what's right for you and stop going around in circles. Sooner or later you're going to have to reach for the door. Your roommate's intel? That's a giant roadblock right in front of your pathway to freedom and peace. Don't listen to him or her anymore and stop asking for that kind of information if you are fishing for info.

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    Thanks guys. It really does help to hear this outside feedback. It gets me out of my head.
    Luckily I feel like I'm turning a corner of some sorts, but I don't know. As soon as I have a good day and I'm positive that I'm really on my way to healing, it all comes back full force, usually at night. When you realize you're still pretty raw and the pain is still lurking (and probably will for awhile) it doesn't really feel that great. :/

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Because even though someone decides to end it, it doesn't mean they don't grieve the ending as well. It doesn't translate into getting back together either.
    He's just processing it his own way.
    Try not to measure him by how you might do the same.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great advice coming here.

    The way I see it, everyone handles breakups in the exact same way—which is to say the best they can. What that means for one person will mean something else for another. Some tear photos off the wall, others stare at them whimsically. Some sleep around, others go into a state of monk-like chastity. Some drink too much, others workout too much. Some write poetry, some key cars. Dumpers, dumpees—doesn't really matter.

    Zoom out on all those seemingly contradictory behaviors and you get the same thing: pain being processed, as best the person in pain knows how to process it. So all that rumination? Well, that's the drain you're circling—or, well, avoiding to circle, per figureitout's highlighting this as the bargaining stage. Accept that fact—that this is simply pain, running through both of you—and there's less to ruminate on. And, of course, less to hope for or hold on to.

    A little salt shake of advice, for whatever it's worth. Your phrase "turning a corner" caught my eye—because, well, it's a phrase I used a lot during my last big breakup. It's kind of how I go about the world in general, always looking to improve, scoring myself, getting to the top of the hill. Anyhow, a friend gave me what turned out to be some profound advice when I told her—maybe three weeks or so post BU—that I'd turned some big corners.

    She smiled kindly and said, "BC, you'll have turned a corner when you stop needing to say you've turned a corner."

    Probably didn't know what she meant at the time, being in a lot of pain and very proud of my cornering abilities. But I think the moral of the story was something like: pain can't be rushed past, reasoned with, or ruminated away. It can just be felt, a big ol' wave that crashes over us, spins us around but ultimately cleans us out.

    You're in the whitewash right now, spinning, which is exactly where you should be. Sucks. Been there, per above. Big hugs. But just keep riding it out because in all that feeling, and allowing the deepest feelings to slip past the walls of rumination and bargaining when you're ready, an amazing thing happens: you survive, and are stronger, and more open, for it.

    A lot of words to say best of luck, but concision isn't my strong suit.

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    I would have to imagine he is still processing the breakup, especially if it did end on such volatile terms. I'm not sure the duration of your relationship, but there is always going to be a void when losing someone with whom you invested so much time. Those first few weeks are always the hardest.

    I do agree that the time frame in which it takes someone to discard of physical sentiments is simply just dependent on where they are in their healing process. An ex once broke up with me but continued to keep mementos from our relationship hanging up all over his walls for months and even admitted to still reading notes I had written to him that he had saved. Yet I, the dumpee, had removed all of our pictures together after just a few weeks.

    Whether he is rethinking the breakup or has every intention to move on, only time will tell. Until then, you must go on with your life as if the latter scenario is the only reality. As difficult as it is, you must try your hardest not to hold onto these little pieces of information that you see as hope. Only he knows the truth, and attempting to guess what it is will only exhaust and pain you more.

  9. #8
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    I doubt you will see any of that stuff, again. He was really nasty. Why didn't you rent a truck and take it with you?

    He had treated you terribly for some time.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 04-25-2019 at 07:55 PM.

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    you have paralyzation by analyzation. You are thinking so much that you don't know what to do next. So let me tell you by saying knock it off. You are in no way going to figure out what he is thinking because he might not know what he is thinking. What you are doing is chasing a leaf that is blowing in the wind. It might settle for a second and by the time you catch up to it, it blows away. His thoughts could very well be like this leaf and you are trying to figure out what he is currently thinking. If you stop doing that, you will be amazed how much better you feel.
    Also, I know what you are going thru. Oh boy when I had a break up I was a philosopher and asking questions about the meaning of everything, but in the end I learned that no matter what answer I got, it never quenched my thirst to know why. No answer was enough to calm my restless mind. Every answer I got, it only make me think of 5 other questions and I can tell you that you are just going to end up going crazy.
    At this point does it really matter why you two broke up? Have you ever looked at things differently and not worry so much about what you no longer have but focus on what you learned or all the good memories you have? Im guessing you learned a lot, laughed, you were a pretty good partner and what you do is stand up and dust yourself off and know you were a great girlfriend and you can hold your head up high. And if you need a reason to quench your lust for knowledge, why cant you accept the moment and say "It just didn't work out" That way there is no fault, blame, reason, and you can move on from this. You now have room in your heart for someone better.
    Quit thinking so much about your X and think about your next move.

  11. #10
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    He doesn’t think like you do, so analyse all you want , it will get you nowhere.

    You are in no hurry for your “stuff” you left behind so why even bother looking for them right now?

    Everyone grieves differently and an individual can grieve differently for one person over another. It’s all circumstantial.

    I still have photos of exes on my social media. It never even crossed my mind to take them down.

    You need to cease talking about him with your room mate. It’s clearly not helping.

    It sounds like you overall are coping ok and eventually you will have more good days than bad until you have only good days and no bad ones.

    How important is it for you to retrieve your belongings and what time frame would you want them back , if at all?

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