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Thread: Dumped and Confused

  1. #1

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    Dumped and Confused

    Hi all, seeking some comfort and/or advice on handling post-break up mess I find myself in. I, a female senior in college, began dating a sophomore girl somewhat fresh out of the closet, Gabriela, about a year and a half ago. We clicked and it was easy to be with her, I loved her and she was over the moon for me. The only caveat to our budding relationship was that her mother is severely homophobic, and when she found out about our relationship via snooping on Gabriela's social media, went ballistic. She threatened to disown her, withdraw financial support for her college education, etc. Her mother is spineless and never follows through on these threats, but her disapproval hurt Gabriela immensely. Gabriela always held it together well, but she would show that this rift between her and her mom deeply upset and troubled her in regards to how her and I would make things work or how she could be herself and not lose her mom in her life. This wasn't a huge deal-breaker in our relationship, and we continued to date, becoming very close and having our eyes set on long-term goals and commitment. Right before spring break, things felt different. We weren't spending as much time together, there was a disconnect, and I was aware that emotionally we weren't exactly on the same page. After she spent spring break with her family, a break during which her and I barely talked, we returned to school and she proceeded to ask for a break, citing family pressure about her sexuality was making her feel hopeless and helpless. She was very emotional and reluctant to call things quits and I was wildly upset as well, as we spent a lot of time growing together and were essentially best friends during my final months at college. We took a break, and at the end of the week we met and she was calm and out-of-character said she wanted to fully break up because she "lost feelings for me." Knowing Gabriela, this was just ODD. Two weeks prior she was saying that she'd die without me and wanted to spend every second together because she loved me so much. Well, I found out a week and a half later that she is with a new girl and now a month and a half later, are in a full-swing relationship. I feel so blindsided and hurt. To complicate matters, her and I take a class together currently and sing together in choir. I can't avoid her and feel destroyed by the fact that she told me she was upset by the pressure of her family JUST to get with someone else right away without solving any of her problems. I feel very used and pissed that I have to see her and her new girlfriend around campus, especially when I am hurting and she seems to have spent zero time grieving the end of a holistically healthy, happy, loving relationship that she always seemed so gun-ho about. How do I handle all of this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It might be a good idea to rethink whether it was healthy, happy or as loving as you think. This is not meant to undermine your hurt or your pain right now and intended more to help you look at things differently. To you it was healthy, happy or loving but for her it might have been a different scenario. In the same breath that you just professed your love for someone you also called an immediate family member (her mother) spineless. I don't know about you but that word doesn't sound very nice. There might have been too much tension there that she was willing to put up with or too much drama. I have a strong feeling that her family doesn't like you as a person, period. I'm sorry but that's just my gut feeling. It's never a pleasant feeling to realize you're not liked or wanted so leave it for what it is. I think it's best that you take it with a pinch of salt and accept that. Not everyone is going to like you, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation or sexuality. She's very young as are you but you're older. Not everyone is the same and not everyone is as eloquent when it comes to pinpointing problems or their feelings either. Move on and don't pursue her. Leave her alone and reconnect with your friends and get to all your hobbies. You'll eventually meet someone who is more suited to you.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It might be a good idea to rethink whether it was healthy, happy or as loving as you think. This is not meant to undermine your hurt or your pain right now and intended more to help you look at things differently. To you it was healthy, happy or loving but for her it might have been a different scenario.
    I agree with this.

    OP, you acknowledge you felt a disconnect from her in the last legs of the relationship. That was likely when she started getting close to this other woman. You're right that she didn't address the problems she had with you; those who aren't invested in the outcome usually don't.

    Her telling you she'd die without you not two weeks before breaking up was probably her trying to convince herself that she should stay. She knows that you are a good person and were a good girlfriend to her, so she knew it would look bad if she suddenly left. Unfortunately, it's not totally unusual for dumpers to lay it on rather thick just prior to ending it. I have always taken this to be their way of trying to persuade themselves to give it more time even when their heart really wasn't in it anymore.

    I am really sorry you're going through this, though. It's hard when you realize someone is really not on the same page as you and has in fact already moved on. I can't imagine how much that must have stung. Take it as your evidence that she was not the right person for you.

  4. #4

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    Rose,
    I appreciate your feedback and definitely can see how my language portrays me as a hurtful person. I use the word spineless only because Gabriela had used it to describe her to me, otherwise I'd agree with you that my usage of it makes me sound like a total jerk. I never actually had the chance to meet her mom because she hated the fact that I was "corrupting" her daughter by being in a gay relationship. I was disliked by her mother solely because of my sexuality. That is what confuses me about her diving into this next relationship, because she cited the family tensions too great for her to be happy right now, but is going to deal with the same exact thing with this new girl.

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  6. #5
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    She lied to you about why she left. Surely you see that?

    Try to think about what your real problems were.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    My guess is that her mother doesn't know about this other girl and your ex is keeping it off social media. It's possible she's going to make like they are just friends to her mother. Whatever plan she has, she's in survivor mode. She's doing what she can to keep the peace with her mother. I'm sure when her mother finds out, the same thing is going to happen with this new girl. IMO you dodged a bullet. She's young, immature, and still needs to develop into this new lifestyle. You need someone who doesn't have this kind of baggage.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    I think everyone else has answered you pretty well. I just want to add to it that I'm sorry you had to go through this.

    Rose said it best: You'll eventually meet someone who is more suited to you.

    Take care.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by seniorPA
    Rose,
    I appreciate your feedback and definitely can see how my language portrays me as a hurtful person. I use the word spineless only because Gabriela had used it to describe her to me, otherwise I'd agree with you that my usage of it makes me sound like a total jerk. I never actually had the chance to meet her mom because she hated the fact that I was "corrupting" her daughter by being in a gay relationship. I was disliked by her mother solely because of my sexuality. That is what confuses me about her diving into this next relationship, because she cited the family tensions too great for her to be happy right now, but is going to deal with the same exact thing with this new girl.
    I'm sorry again for all this confusion with her. It's not a nice place to be in. I actually do understand what it's like to be ostracized for a person's sexuality. I was with a transgendered individual and lived with him for awhile. It was a wild and crazy journey and I have total respect for the community. Given what I've witnessed and what it took to help and encourage my partner at the time on his journey, I definitely consider myself an ally and I never forget that. My husband (married now) fully understands this about me and accepts me and he knows about my past and how strong I feel in terms of support and beliefs. My ex has repeatedly thanked me several times in the past couple of decades for all the love and support even as friends/acquaintances after the relationship ended. He says he couldn't have found himself without me and I feel very grateful to have been on that journey with him back then. We obviously no longer communicate out of respect as I am married and have a family now. I do believe you when you say you felt unwelcome and judged for being who you are. Don't let it get to you.

    Sometimes people have to go on and make the same mistakes more than once in order to learn and sometimes some relationships work and others don't. Maybe your timing was off, unfortunately. Maybe it was just too soon or too fast too soon. In any case, it didn't work. Be grateful for the memories and don't ever second guess yourself or who you are or all the things that make you you. Keep on going and growing. Don't let this one instance or one person hold you back.


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