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Big Problem but confused


Mel20192019

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So mom and sister live 8 hours away and they never come to visit. My sister was surprising me and my boyfriend was acting stressed so I asked him why and I guessed it out of him. He says he's been really stressed and now he won't be able to relax. Im thrilled about them coming to visit and I try to be positive and tell him he'll be able to relax and I'll make sure of it, he gets upset and says no and is not happy with the whole thing. I tell him that im not going to refuse them a place to stay. He says they can sleep somewhere else the first night so he can relax since he's stressed. I don't agree and I want them to sleepover. My mom calls that night and hears him yelling in the background I tell her what's wrong and she couldn't believe it. They are only coming for The weekend to see us and he wants me to tell her to not come. I can't do it she's my mom!! I refuse and tell him that I can't do it, it's wrong. He gets even more mad. We fight for 3 days and they show up and I ask them to come in. They tell him that they are dissapointed since they never come to visit and their hurt that he doesn't want them to sleepover that night. He sees it as an attack so he starts yelling at them and tells them that he has the right to it, it's his house and they should listen to.his wants and needs. Im embarrassed, can't believe this is happening! Not really saying much since they're all fighting over this, I just want to have fun and enjoy the time that they have here. If he's stressed and tired he can go lay in the room and watch movies or go in the basement and play video games we'll just stay away. Instead he wants to be mad and yell in my mom's face and be angry. I take them and leave and rent a hotel room, I want to enjoy the time I have with them as much as I can. They leave the day after and go back home, I feel awful, they drove 8 hours away to come to all this. We fight some more because im so dissapointed but he sees it as me not caring about his wants and needs... I can't believe it more yelling at me and blaming me. Now months go by and I have this gross feeling inside me, im hurt and torn inside, I want my family to get along and respect eachother so we can all have a great life and have a great future together. I asked him to apologize to my mom the other day and he finally did, it wasn't a very sincere apology but he did it which was nice. It was a "im sorry but" but atleast he tried. He won't apologize to my sister because she yelled at him. I tell him today that im so hurt and im having a hard time continuing this relationship with all this pain. He tells me that he's hurt because I've been distant. I know I've been distant, I've been distant because you yell and you're mean to me when we fight and my family is hurt by you and thinks that you're a jerk for what happened. Can you please try to make things better with my family so that we can move on? No your sister needs to apologize to me first. And what about the fact that they hurt me? So now my mom and sister are still hurt and in shock with what happened. But to this day he still sees it as our fault and our problem because he was just asking for a night off. What do I do? Everybody has different opinions. I feel like what he did was way wrong but then again we're we wrong for not giving him what he wanted? It's hard in relationships because everybody has a different belief! Thanks everyone.

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I think he overreacted and I think it wasn't fair of you to have them stay over at your and his house. It sounds like you were the one who had this vision of both of them sleeping over but what would have been the problem with getting a hotel room? You could have stayed in the hotel room too.

 

Having said that it seems to me he has anger issues - how long have you been together?

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I did I got a hotel room with them, im just sad that it had to come to that. Wish my family was welcomed with open arms but I guess this isn't the case and I should just find someone who would think differently right? We've been together for 5 years now. We we're engaged but not anymore, there have been alot of fighting and communication problems.

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Your husband sounds like a right asshat. I'm sorry but IMO you shouldn't have to tell your own parents/family that they can't stay at your home if you have the room for them. I suspect they very much don't like him now because of his rude, immature behaviour.

 

What is your marriage like generally? Is he always this "my way or the highway" type that feels quite fine being rude and unhospitible?

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Reading this, I can't help but think that whole weekend episode isn't the real problem—but we just a very dramatic and unfortunate incident that brought the real problem to surface.

 

That problem? Well, you guys don't really sound like you get a long, like each other, respect each other, have the same values, or know how to communicate.

 

Honestly, from what you've written your boyfriend kind of sounds like a big wounded baby. I know that imagining life apart is hard after five years, but I can't help but think the end of the engagement is a maybe a blessing. Better to deal with the temporary pain of breaking up than the forever pain of being married to angry brat.

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Now that I think of it, he does get upset when he doesn't get his way, says I don't care about him, but don't we all get dissapointed when it doesn't go our way? If I think about it I was upset that I didn't get my way either! Im at the point where im questioning if maybe im not giving him what he wants because I think it's wrong but I should do it anyways?! I just want him to be happy! He was raised by an abusive father and his mother dies when he was 7, his grandma also gave him everything he ever wanted. Im just so confused, I've been in abusive relationships before but this one is the hardest to leave. I feel like I'll regret it forever...

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Disappointment is one thing, something we all experience. Showing that disappointment by throwing tantrums and becoming hostile is another, something we're supposed to learn how to stop after we're about 10 years old.

 

I get that you want to make him happy, and that's great, a lovely quality. But does he make you happy? Does he understand when something is important to you and find happiness by making it happen, even if doesn't jibe with his precise needs and wants? Just some questions worth considering.

 

My ex-gf, for what it's worth, always wanted me to join her and her family on summer vacation. I wasn't a huge fan of her family or, frankly, the way they vacationed. It was not how I'd choose to spend my time and money in a void, you know, and because my time and money are finite I'd always be a little frustrated (internally) when the vacation question came around.

 

What did I do? I went on all those vacations, without fuss, and had a wonderful time. A lot of what made it wonderful is that I knew it meant a lot to my gf, who was particularly radiant, like most people, when happy—and, lo and behold, I always had more fun with her family than I'd think. So a win-win, all around.

 

If he's in the habit of throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way, or if you feel like he's unable to consider your life and feelings alongside his own—well, I'd be asking some hard questions right now about what you're getting out of this, in both the short and (potentially) long run.

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I don’t think having family stay over is getting your own way , I think it’s a given!

 

There seems to have been no reason why they shouldn’t stay apart from the simple fact that he didn’t want them to!

That’s not good enough!

 

For most people , getting along with partners family is an effort and for most people it’s an effort they are willing to put in for their partner.

 

Had he met your mum and sis before?

Did you and him ever visit them in 5 years? Where did you stay?

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I agree with you, even if you really don't want to do it, do it to make them happy and most of the time yes it does turn out to be fun! This situation could of went way smoother, I actually think he would of had a blast! I think im just very easy going and open and he's very black and white and hard to budge when he's got a decision made. I get it people are all different! He's just very fixated on who's wrong and how bad the problem is instead of focusing on how to make things good and better! He has met them before, we would go once every summer to visit and we would sleep at my mom's they all got along and he would have fun! I just feel like I've tried to ignore all of it too long and now im just really hurt and decided to tell him if he can't try to make things better with them then I'll have to move on. It's just not something that I could ignore anymore. I just can't marry and have kids with this guy if he can't just swallow his pride and make things better with my family you know? If it was the other way around I would talk to his family and try to make things better. I just don't think he ever learned the proper way to communicate, I want to help him because I know we could have a great fun loving relationship but he just doesn't want to be helped and doesn't want to see the bad stuff that he does, he'd rather just blame people around him.

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Your boyfriend is an azzhole. I am sure that this is not the first time he has been selfish and incredibly hurtful.

 

If my partner yelled at anyone I care about, much less my family, it would be done.

 

I cannot believe you are sticking with this creep! Terrible!

 

Do you get anything you want, or is it all about him? This is what your future looks like.

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Okay, questions answered.

 

Um, no. So here's a guy who has spent fun summer days vacationing at your mother's home, ostensibly enjoying your mother's hospitality, but when your mother comes to visit during a time when he's a little "stressed" this is how he behaves? That is childish on so many levels my head is officially spinning.

 

Just imagine what you'd see from him when a child acts like, you know, an actual child when he's the one who wants to be the child. You'd be parenting two kids instead of co-parenting one.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you sound really awesome. You should be with someone who shares your attitude and approach to life, not someone who taxes it.

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I know I should leave if he yelled at them but I guess I just forgive easily? Im not sure, I guess I just listen to my heart over my brain. I do get alot, he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!

 

This was so highly disrespectful and hurtful to both you, and your family.

 

These types of guys are not monsters all of the time, or their partners would not stay. It sounds like he is a selfish azzhole enough of the time that you should not stick around. If anyone pulled this on my mother, it would be done! Time to show your self some respect and love. Be single for a long while, and please seek counseling .

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I know I should leave if he yelled at them but I guess I just forgive easily? Im not sure, I guess I just listen to my heart over my brain. I do get alot, he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!

 

I'm just going to say this, because we're here to listen to and help posters: What you just did—the sudden turn to downplaying it all, and playing up his good qualities—is kind of the hallmark of people convincing themselves they're happy when they're not, and, worst case scenario, the hallmark of those who justify an abusive dynamic.

 

Now, that's not me saying he is abusive—I'm not quick to reach for that word—but you yourself have said you've been in past relationships (plural) that are abusive. What I do feel pretty confident saying is that he behaves like an ass and isn't treating you the way adult humans should treat other adult humans, and an abusive father, dead mother, and doting grandmother is not an excuse for any of that. There are a lot of very decent people with some dark clouds in childhood; you're reading the words of one right now.

 

So take minute and be really honest with yourself—not me, not other posters, but you—with what's really going on here and how you really feel, in your core.

 

I'm very forgiving too, very understanding. I forgive my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me, and understand what led her to make that choice, for instance. But she is my ex, you see? I also forgive someone I dated briefly who ended up physically hurting me, because I understand she is very troubled and I sincerely hope she gets well and finds only the best in life. But "dated briefly," you see? Both of those women had wonderful qualities, and were great to me in many ways—all that is real, forever, and things I'm grateful for. But it's past tense for a reason, and the reason is not because I need to learn to be more forgiving.

 

There is a line—and not even a fine line, but a very real one—between forgiveness and accepting unacceptable behavior.

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"Now that I think of it, he does get upset when he doesn't get his way, says I don't care about him, " This is manipulative.

 

"he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!" Do you realize how ridiculous this comment is? This is not how normal people behave.

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You said they surprised you with a visit. How long in advance did he know about this? Honestly, if I’m stressed I crave me time and most people would probably not feel comfortable locking themselves into a room while there are visitors in the house. Would it have been an option to postpone to a later weekend to give him time to prepare or was this an emergency stay? I think writing him off as an ass for not wanting guests in his own home is a bit much. I do agree however that the way he handled himself toward your family was very rude and immature. Is this usually the dynamic that stuff gets sprung on him and he has to be fine?

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I would not have my family or my husband's family stay in my home other than in an emergency. We have a two bedroom apartment and a child. No one would get sleep if we had people staying over and sleep is precious -I'd be a wreck and unable to entertain. When my parents visited years ago they insisted on staying down the block at a hotel, so did my father in law when he visited (my mother in law was then too ill to make the trip, would have loved to see her). They were invited into our home during the day -all day if they wished (they didn't, we went sightseeing, ate out, had a great time).

 

I do not think it's a given that guests from out of town have to stay in your living space. It depends. It is a given that if they are taking the trouble to visit you you find them a suitable place to stay where they will be comfortable and if at all possible you foot the bill. My son and I stay at my moms when we go home -my husband stays at his late parents' home - would he be invited to my mother's house - yes if needed -but it would be a tight fit because again, small apartment. We would never ever say "no" but my husband knows how tight a squeeze it would be with an extra person so he stays at the other home and we meet up in the morning. No biggie. When I visited my friend in her city with my son I offered to stay at a hotel at my expense (she is like family) and she loves to host and insisted we stay (3 nights). So we did and it was fine. But I'd never have expected her to put me up in her home.

 

I wanted to speak to that point because I don't think it's selfish at all for a spouse or partner to feel uncomfortable having house guests - certainly the uncomfortable person should just basically leave and find a place to stay (in our case our parents knew it would be rough for us to host and insisted on hotel) - that is what I would have done if my husband wanted people to come and stay. I have had people ask to stay at my place when I was single and living in a one bedroom - because they were visiting and could not afford a hotel - and I said sure and most times I then stayed with my boyfriend at the time. And when my childhood friend, like family, asked to crash at our house a few months ago I knew I couldn't accommodate - nowhere for her to sleep where my son would get a good night's sleep and it was a school night. So I said no and offered to put her up in a hotel. Turned out she found a different place to stay. I don't relate to this "it's a given" that family has to sleep in the same apartment or home when visiting.

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If you don't have the room then you don't have the room. A two bedroom is not having the room so they can't stay there. If Op's home has the bedrooms to accommodate her mother and sister then her husband should have bucked up and been gracious just like they were when he visited them.

 

He's a turd by all accounts and regardless of having the room or not, I'd never allow my husband to talk to my parents like that. If he ever did, I would know he was not a good man in general and that I wouldn't have the patients to caretake him through life when he didn't get his own way.

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I would not have my family or my husband's family stay in my home other than in an emergency. We have a two bedroom apartment and a child. No one would get sleep if we had people staying over and sleep is precious -I'd be a wreck and unable to entertain. When my parents visited years ago they insisted on staying down the block at a hotel, so did my father in law when he visited (my mother in law was then too ill to make the trip, would have loved to see her). They were invited into our home during the day -all day if they wished (they didn't, we went sightseeing, ate out, had a great time).

 

I do not think it's a given that guests from out of town have to stay in your living space. It depends. It is a given that if they are taking the trouble to visit you you find them a suitable place to stay where they will be comfortable and if at all possible you foot the bill. My son and I stay at my moms when we go home -my husband stays at his late parents' home - would he be invited to my mother's house - yes if needed -but it would be a tight fit because again, small apartment. We would never ever say "no" but my husband knows how tight a squeeze it would be with an extra person so he stays at the other home and we meet up in the morning. No biggie. When I visited my friend in her city with my son I offered to stay at a hotel at my expense (she is like family) and she loves to host and insisted we stay (3 nights). So we did and it was fine. But I'd never have expected her to put me up in her home.

 

I wanted to speak to that point because I don't think it's selfish at all for a spouse or partner to feel uncomfortable having house guests - certainly the uncomfortable person should just basically leave and find a place to stay (in our case our parents knew it would be rough for us to host and insisted on hotel) - that is what I would have done if my husband wanted people to come and stay. I have had people ask to stay at my place when I was single and living in a one bedroom - because they were visiting and could not afford a hotel - and I said sure and most times I then stayed with my boyfriend at the time. And when my childhood friend, like family, asked to crash at our house a few months ago I knew I couldn't accommodate - nowhere for her to sleep where my son would get a good night's sleep and it was a school night. So I said no and offered to put her up in a hotel. Turned out she found a different place to stay. I don't relate to this "it's a given" that family has to sleep in the same apartment or home when visiting.

 

That may be the case. I actually feel more comfortable at a hotel, unless someone has a lot of extra room.

 

His reaction and treatment of her family is inexcusable and unforgettable. So out of line, and I don't care how uncomfortable he was.

 

I think that we need to focus on the big picture, and not only this incident.

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If you don't have the room then you don't have the room. A two bedroom is not having the room so they can't stay there. If Op's home has the bedrooms to accommodate her mother and sister then her husband should have bucked up and been gracious just like they were when he visited them.

 

He's a turd by all accounts and regardless of having the room or not, I'd never allow my husband to talk to my parents like that. If he ever did, I would know he was not a good man in general and that I wouldn't have the patients to caretake him through life when he didn't get his own way.

It is a bf. They have a basement, and so I am assuming that they have the space.

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I think your boyfriend behaved badly and rather strangely but I also can't help but wonder why you encouraged a long distance surprise in any way or why there aren't any house rules established or why any concept of how to deal with visitors has never come up between the both of you. My husband and I are not a fan of visitors showing up at our doorstep as a "surprise" so there's a house rule about this and generally family members and friends are not so daft or inconsiderate to just drop in (it goes both ways). We discuss any issues that might come up like sleeping arrangements beforehand or where to take them, how to entertain and make things pleasant and enjoyable for all.

 

At the point it is now, I also think, OP, you should be focusing more on your relationship with your boyfriend and re-establishing trust and boundaries when it comes to families and how you both handle things going forward. Stop pointing fingers at each other or getting too consumed about who is what or who is more of a jerk or calling each other names. This is just a tug of war that goes nowhere except to tear you both apart and totally unnecessary. It's counterproductive to working things out and delays both of you from growing together. Both of you made mistakes and hurt each other. Acknowledge that and go from there.

 

In regards to your relationship with your mum and sister, they will just have to wait and practice a little patience and (hopefully) more consideration in future. I get you're upset on their behalf but don't let it ruin your relationships with everyone. Apologize if you have to on his behalf but don't let things get out of hand. It starts with you because they will look to you for direction in this situation. They are not babies either so don't baby them. They can take care of themselves. Remain kind to all three and encourage moving forwards from this.

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According to your description, this guy is a goat and an egoist. About respecting his feelings, he is ready to shout that there is strength, but he does not want to think about others? You have talked with him more than once about this situation, if you ask for advice, disperse. This question will not be solved if your boyfriend does not want this. Apology through clenched teeth in front of your mother is not a step forward, it is a favor that he showed. If he does not understand the situation, it makes no sense to continue and justify it.

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