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Thread: Big Problem but confused

  1. #1
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    Big Problem but confused

    So mom and sister live 8 hours away and they never come to visit. My sister was surprising me and my boyfriend was acting stressed so I asked him why and I guessed it out of him. He says he's been really stressed and now he won't be able to relax. Im thrilled about them coming to visit and I try to be positive and tell him he'll be able to relax and I'll make sure of it, he gets upset and says no and is not happy with the whole thing. I tell him that im not going to refuse them a place to stay. He says they can sleep somewhere else the first night so he can relax since he's stressed. I don't agree and I want them to sleepover. My mom calls that night and hears him yelling in the background I tell her what's wrong and she couldn't believe it. They are only coming for The weekend to see us and he wants me to tell her to not come. I can't do it she's my mom!! I refuse and tell him that I can't do it, it's wrong. He gets even more mad. We fight for 3 days and they show up and I ask them to come in. They tell him that they are dissapointed since they never come to visit and their hurt that he doesn't want them to sleepover that night. He sees it as an attack so he starts yelling at them and tells them that he has the right to it, it's his house and they should listen to.his wants and needs. Im embarrassed, can't believe this is happening! Not really saying much since they're all fighting over this, I just want to have fun and enjoy the time that they have here. If he's stressed and tired he can go lay in the room and watch movies or go in the basement and play video games we'll just stay away. Instead he wants to be mad and yell in my mom's face and be angry. I take them and leave and rent a hotel room, I want to enjoy the time I have with them as much as I can. They leave the day after and go back home, I feel awful, they drove 8 hours away to come to all this. We fight some more because im so dissapointed but he sees it as me not caring about his wants and needs... I can't believe it more yelling at me and blaming me. Now months go by and I have this gross feeling inside me, im hurt and torn inside, I want my family to get along and respect eachother so we can all have a great life and have a great future together. I asked him to apologize to my mom the other day and he finally did, it wasn't a very sincere apology but he did it which was nice. It was a "im sorry but" but atleast he tried. He won't apologize to my sister because she yelled at him. I tell him today that im so hurt and im having a hard time continuing this relationship with all this pain. He tells me that he's hurt because I've been distant. I know I've been distant, I've been distant because you yell and you're mean to me when we fight and my family is hurt by you and thinks that you're a jerk for what happened. Can you please try to make things better with my family so that we can move on? No your sister needs to apologize to me first. And what about the fact that they hurt me? So now my mom and sister are still hurt and in shock with what happened. But to this day he still sees it as our fault and our problem because he was just asking for a night off. What do I do? Everybody has different opinions. I feel like what he did was way wrong but then again we're we wrong for not giving him what he wanted? It's hard in relationships because everybody has a different belief! Thanks everyone.

  2. #2
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    I think he overreacted and I think it wasn't fair of you to have them stay over at your and his house. It sounds like you were the one who had this vision of both of them sleeping over but what would have been the problem with getting a hotel room? You could have stayed in the hotel room too.

    Having said that it seems to me he has anger issues - how long have you been together?

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    I did I got a hotel room with them, im just sad that it had to come to that. Wish my family was welcomed with open arms but I guess this isn't the case and I should just find someone who would think differently right? We've been together for 5 years now. We we're engaged but not anymore, there have been alot of fighting and communication problems.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Your husband sounds like a right asshat. I'm sorry but IMO you shouldn't have to tell your own parents/family that they can't stay at your home if you have the room for them. I suspect they very much don't like him now because of his rude, immature behaviour.

    What is your marriage like generally? Is he always this "my way or the highway" type that feels quite fine being rude and unhospitible?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Reading this, I can't help but think that whole weekend episode isn't the real problem—but we just a very dramatic and unfortunate incident that brought the real problem to surface.

    That problem? Well, you guys don't really sound like you get a long, like each other, respect each other, have the same values, or know how to communicate.

    Honestly, from what you've written your boyfriend kind of sounds like a big wounded baby. I know that imagining life apart is hard after five years, but I can't help but think the end of the engagement is a maybe a blessing. Better to deal with the temporary pain of breaking up than the forever pain of being married to angry brat.

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    Now that I think of it, he does get upset when he doesn't get his way, says I don't care about him, but don't we all get dissapointed when it doesn't go our way? If I think about it I was upset that I didn't get my way either! Im at the point where im questioning if maybe im not giving him what he wants because I think it's wrong but I should do it anyways?! I just want him to be happy! He was raised by an abusive father and his mother dies when he was 7, his grandma also gave him everything he ever wanted. Im just so confused, I've been in abusive relationships before but this one is the hardest to leave. I feel like I'll regret it forever...

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Disappointment is one thing, something we all experience. Showing that disappointment by throwing tantrums and becoming hostile is another, something we're supposed to learn how to stop after we're about 10 years old.

    I get that you want to make him happy, and that's great, a lovely quality. But does he make you happy? Does he understand when something is important to you and find happiness by making it happen, even if doesn't jibe with his precise needs and wants? Just some questions worth considering.

    My ex-gf, for what it's worth, always wanted me to join her and her family on summer vacation. I wasn't a huge fan of her family or, frankly, the way they vacationed. It was not how I'd choose to spend my time and money in a void, you know, and because my time and money are finite I'd always be a little frustrated (internally) when the vacation question came around.

    What did I do? I went on all those vacations, without fuss, and had a wonderful time. A lot of what made it wonderful is that I knew it meant a lot to my gf, who was particularly radiant, like most people, when happy—and, lo and behold, I always had more fun with her family than I'd think. So a win-win, all around.

    If he's in the habit of throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way, or if you feel like he's unable to consider your life and feelings alongside his own—well, I'd be asking some hard questions right now about what you're getting out of this, in both the short and (potentially) long run.

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    I don’t think having family stay over is getting your own way , I think it’s a given!

    There seems to have been no reason why they shouldn’t stay apart from the simple fact that he didn’t want them to!
    That’s not good enough!

    For most people , getting along with partners family is an effort and for most people it’s an effort they are willing to put in for their partner.

    Had he met your mum and sis before?
    Did you and him ever visit them in 5 years? Where did you stay?

  10. #9
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    I agree with you, even if you really don't want to do it, do it to make them happy and most of the time yes it does turn out to be fun! This situation could of went way smoother, I actually think he would of had a blast! I think im just very easy going and open and he's very black and white and hard to budge when he's got a decision made. I get it people are all different! He's just very fixated on who's wrong and how bad the problem is instead of focusing on how to make things good and better! He has met them before, we would go once every summer to visit and we would sleep at my mom's they all got along and he would have fun! I just feel like I've tried to ignore all of it too long and now im just really hurt and decided to tell him if he can't try to make things better with them then I'll have to move on. It's just not something that I could ignore anymore. I just can't marry and have kids with this guy if he can't just swallow his pride and make things better with my family you know? If it was the other way around I would talk to his family and try to make things better. I just don't think he ever learned the proper way to communicate, I want to help him because I know we could have a great fun loving relationship but he just doesn't want to be helped and doesn't want to see the bad stuff that he does, he'd rather just blame people around him.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Had he met your mum and sis before?
    Did you and him ever visit them in 5 years? Where did you stay?
    Great questions! Curious to know the answers myself...

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