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Thread: Big Problem but confused

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If you don't have the room then you don't have the room. A two bedroom is not having the room so they can't stay there. If Op's home has the bedrooms to accommodate her mother and sister then her husband should have bucked up and been gracious just like they were when he visited them.

    He's a turd by all accounts and regardless of having the room or not, I'd never allow my husband to talk to my parents like that. If he ever did, I would know he was not a good man in general and that I wouldn't have the patients to caretake him through life when he didn't get his own way.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I would not have my family or my husband's family stay in my home other than in an emergency. We have a two bedroom apartment and a child. No one would get sleep if we had people staying over and sleep is precious -I'd be a wreck and unable to entertain. When my parents visited years ago they insisted on staying down the block at a hotel, so did my father in law when he visited (my mother in law was then too ill to make the trip, would have loved to see her). They were invited into our home during the day -all day if they wished (they didn't, we went sightseeing, ate out, had a great time).

    I do not think it's a given that guests from out of town have to stay in your living space. It depends. It is a given that if they are taking the trouble to visit you you find them a suitable place to stay where they will be comfortable and if at all possible you foot the bill. My son and I stay at my moms when we go home -my husband stays at his late parents' home - would he be invited to my mother's house - yes if needed -but it would be a tight fit because again, small apartment. We would never ever say "no" but my husband knows how tight a squeeze it would be with an extra person so he stays at the other home and we meet up in the morning. No biggie. When I visited my friend in her city with my son I offered to stay at a hotel at my expense (she is like family) and she loves to host and insisted we stay (3 nights). So we did and it was fine. But I'd never have expected her to put me up in her home.

    I wanted to speak to that point because I don't think it's selfish at all for a spouse or partner to feel uncomfortable having house guests - certainly the uncomfortable person should just basically leave and find a place to stay (in our case our parents knew it would be rough for us to host and insisted on hotel) - that is what I would have done if my husband wanted people to come and stay. I have had people ask to stay at my place when I was single and living in a one bedroom - because they were visiting and could not afford a hotel - and I said sure and most times I then stayed with my boyfriend at the time. And when my childhood friend, like family, asked to crash at our house a few months ago I knew I couldn't accommodate - nowhere for her to sleep where my son would get a good night's sleep and it was a school night. So I said no and offered to put her up in a hotel. Turned out she found a different place to stay. I don't relate to this "it's a given" that family has to sleep in the same apartment or home when visiting.
    That may be the case. I actually feel more comfortable at a hotel, unless someone has a lot of extra room.

    His reaction and treatment of her family is inexcusable and unforgettable. So out of line, and I don't care how uncomfortable he was.

    I think that we need to focus on the big picture, and not only this incident.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If you don't have the room then you don't have the room. A two bedroom is not having the room so they can't stay there. If Op's home has the bedrooms to accommodate her mother and sister then her husband should have bucked up and been gracious just like they were when he visited them.

    He's a turd by all accounts and regardless of having the room or not, I'd never allow my husband to talk to my parents like that. If he ever did, I would know he was not a good man in general and that I wouldn't have the patients to caretake him through life when he didn't get his own way.


    It is a bf. They have a basement, and so I am assuming that they have the space.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think your boyfriend behaved badly and rather strangely but I also can't help but wonder why you encouraged a long distance surprise in any way or why there aren't any house rules established or why any concept of how to deal with visitors has never come up between the both of you. My husband and I are not a fan of visitors showing up at our doorstep as a "surprise" so there's a house rule about this and generally family members and friends are not so daft or inconsiderate to just drop in (it goes both ways). We discuss any issues that might come up like sleeping arrangements beforehand or where to take them, how to entertain and make things pleasant and enjoyable for all.

    At the point it is now, I also think, OP, you should be focusing more on your relationship with your boyfriend and re-establishing trust and boundaries when it comes to families and how you both handle things going forward. Stop pointing fingers at each other or getting too consumed about who is what or who is more of a jerk or calling each other names. This is just a tug of war that goes nowhere except to tear you both apart and totally unnecessary. It's counterproductive to working things out and delays both of you from growing together. Both of you made mistakes and hurt each other. Acknowledge that and go from there.

    In regards to your relationship with your mum and sister, they will just have to wait and practice a little patience and (hopefully) more consideration in future. I get you're upset on their behalf but don't let it ruin your relationships with everyone. Apologize if you have to on his behalf but don't let things get out of hand. It starts with you because they will look to you for direction in this situation. They are not babies either so don't baby them. They can take care of themselves. Remain kind to all three and encourage moving forwards from this.

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  6. #25

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    According to your description, this guy is a goat and an egoist. About respecting his feelings, he is ready to shout that there is strength, but he does not want to think about others? You have talked with him more than once about this situation, if you ask for advice, disperse. This question will not be solved if your boyfriend does not want this. Apology through clenched teeth in front of your mother is not a step forward, it is a favor that he showed. If he does not understand the situation, it makes no sense to continue and justify it.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    That may be the case. I actually feel more comfortable at a hotel, unless someone has a lot of extra room.

    His reaction and treatment of her family is inexcusable and unforgettable. So out of line, and I don't care how uncomfortable he was.

    I think that we need to focus on the big picture, and not only this incident.
    Definitely and I chose to focus on the specific incident to respond to those posters who found it reprehensible that anyone would say no to having family sleepover at one's house. I do agree that he overreacted!

  8. #27
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    I am going to guess this is not the first time your boyfriend's anger problems have surfaced, OP?

    You seem to be practiced at minimizing and justifying after the fact - or "forgiving, as you called it. That suggests to me that this is not a new dynamic between you. He loses his damn mind and you get upset in the moment but then backpedal because you're afraid of losing him, so you call it forgiveness and try to ignore the damage it's doing.

    So, I'll ask you this: what other problems exist in your relationship? This latest incident surely ain't the only one.

  9. #28
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    I agree that I guess people have different opinions and it shouldn't be a given to everyone that parents must stay over when they visit but to me it is. My sister told him about a week in advance that she was coming to surprise me so he had a week to get ready for it, as of room we have a whole basement and upstairs with 3 bedrooms so room isn't the issue here it's just him not.getting what he wants. I get why he felt hurt by the situation because I wasn't seeing his side of things I was only hurt about what happened to my family and didn't agree with it so he felt left out. I guess it all boils down to how you communicate things. Instead of talking to me calmly and "normal" he reacted out of anger and pretty much freaked. He doesn't no how to.communicate and yes misscannuck it does happen often, where he's mad he lashes out then i get scared and say sorry it's stupid I know I just really need to learn how to set boundaries and get stronger. This is an issue but I feel like.nomatter what relationship im in I let it get this far so they will always treat me the way they want. I would just rather nod, smile and move on with my day instead of making someone mad. There were alot of times where I felt like he was wrong but just went with it and I didn't say anything because then he will get mad and tell me to stop defending myself. Anyways not sure what to do when your partner wants something but you're really against it and you don't want to do it but he really wants it? Do you guys have a big fight and break up? Not sure how to deal with opinion clashes! What about you strong girls out there!? What would you have done? ❤️

  10. #29
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    Of course he knows how to communicate! Is he employed? He wouldn't be if he pulled stuff like that at work. Does he go to public places like restaurants etc -and does he react with anger if he doesn't get served in time, etc?
    "Communication" - or the simpler "talking" means you have to work on your skills of being assertive without whining or apologizing -even if you have to fake it till you make it. And learn the art of compromise - it's essential. But compromise only works well between two people who respect each other, who respect themselves, and who don't resort to personal attacks - for example using I statement "I feel frustrated when you refuse to _____" rather than "you're making me so mad!". My husband and I often disagree on parenting stuff. And had conflict about his family - I adored his parents and I was very unhappy with certain interactions especially when it came to our then baby/young child.

    Another tip - you learn a lot more by listening then talking. And I mean listening. Put the phone down, make normal eye contact, have approachable body language and stop thinking about what you want to say next -and listen without dismissing it because you want to avoid a "confrontation". No need for "confrontation" when it's a respectful exchange of ideas.

  11. #30
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    Ya you're right he does know how to communicate with other people but he's lost it a few times at work when he gets criticized. I understand how he feels growing up with an abusive father I don't blame him for always being on defense to protect himself. I listen to him most of the time.i have no choice because he gets so angry that he yells to get heard, says when people yell people are more likely to listen but I've told him before that it's only pushing me away now because im scared of you. If he talks to me a way I don't like I tell him and his response is well you do it to me! Even when I apologize for the way I react sometimes (snapping) he always brings it back up like he does it cuz I do it!? It's just a game to him or it's about him being the star or the winner I guess? Im just all about fixing things and wanting to make things better! I don't care if I up I do in far from perfect but I don't think he's programmed that way he's programmed to win fights and to protect his ego. But everyone reacts differently to.different approaches and I wanna learn what sets him off and triggers him so I can avoid it. This morning I tried to re open to conversation calmly like I usually do in not one to react and freak out in a conversation I just sit calmly and listen but then he starts to yell so I try to walk away and that way it doesn't escalate to where he starts banging the table. I asked him if he tried to look at it my way overnight and he said yes did you? And I said ya and that im open to make a rule to.where my family has to give a two week notice before coming over. Then I asked him what he thought and he said that im just pushing him to do what he doesn't want to do so do I call it quits?

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