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Thread: Big Problem but confused

  1. #11
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    Your boyfriend is an azzhole. I am sure that this is not the first time he has been selfish and incredibly hurtful.

    If my partner yelled at anyone I care about, much less my family, it would be done.

    I cannot believe you are sticking with this creep! Terrible!

    Do you get anything you want, or is it all about him? This is what your future looks like.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Okay, questions answered.

    Um, no. So here's a guy who has spent fun summer days vacationing at your mother's home, ostensibly enjoying your mother's hospitality, but when your mother comes to visit during a time when he's a little "stressed" this is how he behaves? That is childish on so many levels my head is officially spinning.

    Just imagine what you'd see from him when a child acts like, you know, an actual child when he's the one who wants to be the child. You'd be parenting two kids instead of co-parenting one.

    Sorry to be harsh, but you sound really awesome. You should be with someone who shares your attitude and approach to life, not someone who taxes it.

  3. #13
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    I know I should leave if he yelled at them but I guess I just forgive easily? Im not sure, I guess I just listen to my heart over my brain. I do get alot, he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!

  4. #14
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    Thanks alot I really appreciate your time to answer my questions and just to listen to me and my problems lol. You're totally right! I really do have to move on and find someone who wants more good!

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  6. #15
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    Have you considered therapy for attraction to these types of men?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Mel20192019
    I know I should leave if he yelled at them but I guess I just forgive easily? Im not sure, I guess I just listen to my heart over my brain. I do get alot, he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!
    This was so highly disrespectful and hurtful to both you, and your family.

    These types of guys are not monsters all of the time, or their partners would not stay. It sounds like he is a selfish azzhole enough of the time that you should not stick around. If anyone pulled this on my mother, it would be done! Time to show your self some respect and love. Be single for a long while, and please seek counseling .

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mel20192019
    I know I should leave if he yelled at them but I guess I just forgive easily? Im not sure, I guess I just listen to my heart over my brain. I do get alot, he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!
    I'm just going to say this, because we're here to listen to and help posters: What you just did—the sudden turn to downplaying it all, and playing up his good qualities—is kind of the hallmark of people convincing themselves they're happy when they're not, and, worst case scenario, the hallmark of those who justify an abusive dynamic.

    Now, that's not me saying he is abusive—I'm not quick to reach for that word—but you yourself have said you've been in past relationships (plural) that are abusive. What I do feel pretty confident saying is that he behaves like an ass and isn't treating you the way adult humans should treat other adult humans, and an abusive father, dead mother, and doting grandmother is not an excuse for any of that. There are a lot of very decent people with some dark clouds in childhood; you're reading the words of one right now.

    So take minute and be really honest with yourself—not me, not other posters, but you—with what's really going on here and how you really feel, in your core.

    I'm very forgiving too, very understanding. I forgive my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me, and understand what led her to make that choice, for instance. But she is my ex, you see? I also forgive someone I dated briefly who ended up physically hurting me, because I understand she is very troubled and I sincerely hope she gets well and finds only the best in life. But "dated briefly," you see? Both of those women had wonderful qualities, and were great to me in many ways—all that is real, forever, and things I'm grateful for. But it's past tense for a reason, and the reason is not because I need to learn to be more forgiving.

    There is a line—and not even a fine line, but a very real one—between forgiveness and accepting unacceptable behavior.

  9. #18
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    "Now that I think of it, he does get upset when he doesn't get his way, says I don't care about him, " This is manipulative.

    "he's very caring and thoughtful and is very considerate when he wants to be!" Do you realize how ridiculous this comment is? This is not how normal people behave.

  10. #19
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    You said they surprised you with a visit. How long in advance did he know about this? Honestly, if I’m stressed I crave me time and most people would probably not feel comfortable locking themselves into a room while there are visitors in the house. Would it have been an option to postpone to a later weekend to give him time to prepare or was this an emergency stay? I think writing him off as an ass for not wanting guests in his own home is a bit much. I do agree however that the way he handled himself toward your family was very rude and immature. Is this usually the dynamic that stuff gets sprung on him and he has to be fine?

  11. #20
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    I would not have my family or my husband's family stay in my home other than in an emergency. We have a two bedroom apartment and a child. No one would get sleep if we had people staying over and sleep is precious -I'd be a wreck and unable to entertain. When my parents visited years ago they insisted on staying down the block at a hotel, so did my father in law when he visited (my mother in law was then too ill to make the trip, would have loved to see her). They were invited into our home during the day -all day if they wished (they didn't, we went sightseeing, ate out, had a great time).

    I do not think it's a given that guests from out of town have to stay in your living space. It depends. It is a given that if they are taking the trouble to visit you you find them a suitable place to stay where they will be comfortable and if at all possible you foot the bill. My son and I stay at my moms when we go home -my husband stays at his late parents' home - would he be invited to my mother's house - yes if needed -but it would be a tight fit because again, small apartment. We would never ever say "no" but my husband knows how tight a squeeze it would be with an extra person so he stays at the other home and we meet up in the morning. No biggie. When I visited my friend in her city with my son I offered to stay at a hotel at my expense (she is like family) and she loves to host and insisted we stay (3 nights). So we did and it was fine. But I'd never have expected her to put me up in her home.

    I wanted to speak to that point because I don't think it's selfish at all for a spouse or partner to feel uncomfortable having house guests - certainly the uncomfortable person should just basically leave and find a place to stay (in our case our parents knew it would be rough for us to host and insisted on hotel) - that is what I would have done if my husband wanted people to come and stay. I have had people ask to stay at my place when I was single and living in a one bedroom - because they were visiting and could not afford a hotel - and I said sure and most times I then stayed with my boyfriend at the time. And when my childhood friend, like family, asked to crash at our house a few months ago I knew I couldn't accommodate - nowhere for her to sleep where my son would get a good night's sleep and it was a school night. So I said no and offered to put her up in a hotel. Turned out she found a different place to stay. I don't relate to this "it's a given" that family has to sleep in the same apartment or home when visiting.

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