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Thread: Drinking in relationship

  1. #1
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    Drinking in relationship

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, and we've known each other since..... forever practically. He grew up in a home full of drug addiction and alcoholism. (Oh, and we are in our 40's)

    The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day. He says because I drink alone, (I get out of work at 2:30, he won't be home until after 6) I have a problem. He says if I drank socially or with him it's ok. (He will have a beer now and then, not often) However, this passed new years eve when he was dj'ing for the event (so he wasn't drinking) I had a few beers (4 to be exact) with a couple friends of ours. The next night out at dinner he made a comment about it. He actually kept tabs on his much I had.

    Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Is a beer something you HAVE to do to decompress?

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    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem
    I doubt he is just pulling this out of his a$$... while we can give you the benefit of the doubt, I also give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he may have valid concern based on his observations of you. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

    One doesn't need to be a "drunk" to be an alcoholic. As a person in long term recovery I can't even begin to tell you how often people understate how much they actually drink or use, and how often they justify their drinking because someone else does the same or worse which is what the above paragraph seems to do.

    Has anyone else told you that you have a problem? And how open are you to stopping your habit of drinking every day after work?

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    I know I couldn’t be with someone who drank daily. I just can’t because it becomes a “ coping “ mechanism and the money waste would emotionally kill me.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Is a beer something you HAVE to do to decompress?
    No, I simply enjoy it.

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    Originally Posted by maew
    I doubt he is just pulling this out of his a$$... while we can give you the benefit of the doubt, I also give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he may have valid concern based on his observations of you. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

    One doesn't need to be a "drunk" to be an alcoholic. As a person in long term recovery I can't even begin to tell you how often people understate how much they actually drink or use, and how often they justify their drinking because someone else does the same or worse which is what the above paragraph seems to do.

    Has anyone else told you that you have a problem? And how open are you to stopping your habit of drinking every day after work?
    No, no one else has told me I have a problem. Just him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship.
    If you are tired of hearing it then why not compromise with him and cut back or take a break and find something else to do that you enjoy after work that will help you decompress.

    Either that or consider moving on from the relationship to find someone with more compatible views on this.

    You may not be an alcoholic but he isn't wrong for not wanting to be with someone that drinks daily, even if it is only a couple of beers.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by maew
    If you are tired of hearing it then why not compromise with him and cut back or take a break and find something else to do that you enjoy after work that will help you decompress.

    Either that or consider moving on from the relationship to find someone with more compatible views on this.

    You may not be an alcoholic but he isn't wrong for not wanting to be with someone that drinks daily, even if it is only a couple of beers.
    I agree it is about compatibility. Neither person is wrong .

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, and we've known each other since..... forever practically. He grew up in a home full of drug addiction and alcoholism. (Oh, and we are in our 40's)

    The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day. He says because I drink alone, (I get out of work at 2:30, he won't be home until after 6) I have a problem. He says if I drank socially or with him it's ok. (He will have a beer now and then, not often) However, this passed new years eve when he was dj'ing for the event (so he wasn't drinking) I had a few beers (4 to be exact) with a couple friends of ours. The next night out at dinner he made a comment about it. He actually kept tabs on his much I had.

    Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.
    Why do you need to drink every day (even if it is one or two)?
    Have you tried going a week without drinking after work or with your dinner?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    No, no one else has told me I have a problem. Just him.
    He's overly sensitive to it cause he was surrounded by addiction growing up.

    That stays with a person.

    That said, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's wrong imo for trying to control you.

    I most likely would not be able to remain with a person like this, but it's your call.

    Not because I need to drink (I only drink occasionally now anyway) but because what's next?

    Right now it's your drinking but what if down the road, he doesn't approve of something else?

    Is he gonna attempt to squelch that too? Most likely, yes.

    Just me but no thanks, buh bye.

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