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Drinking in relationship


CountryCat

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, and we've known each other since..... forever practically. He grew up in a home full of drug addiction and alcoholism. (Oh, and we are in our 40's)

 

The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day. He says because I drink alone, (I get out of work at 2:30, he won't be home until after 6) I have a problem. He says if I drank socially or with him it's ok. (He will have a beer now and then, not often) However, this passed new years eve when he was dj'ing for the event (so he wasn't drinking) I had a few beers (4 to be exact) with a couple friends of ours. The next night out at dinner he made a comment about it. He actually kept tabs on his much I had.

 

Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.

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Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem

 

I doubt he is just pulling this out of his a$$... while we can give you the benefit of the doubt, I also give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he may have valid concern based on his observations of you. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

One doesn't need to be a "drunk" to be an alcoholic. As a person in long term recovery I can't even begin to tell you how often people understate how much they actually drink or use, and how often they justify their drinking because someone else does the same or worse which is what the above paragraph seems to do.

 

Has anyone else told you that you have a problem? And how open are you to stopping your habit of drinking every day after work?

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I doubt he is just pulling this out of his a$$... while we can give you the benefit of the doubt, I also give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he may have valid concern based on his observations of you. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

One doesn't need to be a "drunk" to be an alcoholic. As a person in long term recovery I can't even begin to tell you how often people understate how much they actually drink or use, and how often they justify their drinking because someone else does the same or worse which is what the above paragraph seems to do.

 

Has anyone else told you that you have a problem? And how open are you to stopping your habit of drinking every day after work?

No, no one else has told me I have a problem. Just him.
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Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship.

 

If you are tired of hearing it then why not compromise with him and cut back or take a break and find something else to do that you enjoy after work that will help you decompress.

 

Either that or consider moving on from the relationship to find someone with more compatible views on this.

 

You may not be an alcoholic but he isn't wrong for not wanting to be with someone that drinks daily, even if it is only a couple of beers.

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If you are tired of hearing it then why not compromise with him and cut back or take a break and find something else to do that you enjoy after work that will help you decompress.

 

Either that or consider moving on from the relationship to find someone with more compatible views on this.

 

You may not be an alcoholic but he isn't wrong for not wanting to be with someone that drinks daily, even if it is only a couple of beers.

I agree it is about compatibility. Neither person is wrong .

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, and we've known each other since..... forever practically. He grew up in a home full of drug addiction and alcoholism. (Oh, and we are in our 40's)

 

The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day. He says because I drink alone, (I get out of work at 2:30, he won't be home until after 6) I have a problem. He says if I drank socially or with him it's ok. (He will have a beer now and then, not often) However, this passed new years eve when he was dj'ing for the event (so he wasn't drinking) I had a few beers (4 to be exact) with a couple friends of ours. The next night out at dinner he made a comment about it. He actually kept tabs on his much I had.

 

Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.

 

Why do you need to drink every day (even if it is one or two)?

Have you tried going a week without drinking after work or with your dinner?

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No, no one else has told me I have a problem. Just him.

 

He's overly sensitive to it cause he was surrounded by addiction growing up.

 

That stays with a person.

 

That said, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's wrong imo for trying to control you.

 

I most likely would not be able to remain with a person like this, but it's your call.

 

Not because I need to drink (I only drink occasionally now anyway) but because what's next?

 

Right now it's your drinking but what if down the road, he doesn't approve of something else?

 

Is he gonna attempt to squelch that too? Most likely, yes.

 

Just me but no thanks, buh bye.

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He's overly sensitive to it cause he was surrounded by addiction growing up.

 

That stays with a person.

 

It doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's wrong imo for trying to control you.

 

I most likely would not be able to remain with a person like this, but it's your call.

 

Not because I need to drink (I only drink occasionally now anyway) but because what's next?

 

Right now it's your drinking but what if down the road, he doesn't approve of something else?

 

Is he gonna attempt to squelch that too? Most likely, yes.

 

Just me but no thanks, buh bye.

At the same time watching the horrors of addiction you really don’t want to see more of it.

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Why do you need to drink every day (even if it is one or two)?

Have you tried going a week without drinking after work or with your dinner?

Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

 

I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?

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Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

 

I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?

 

It can take decades and decades and sometimes never for trauma to leave .

 

If it is a deep incompatibility I would call it quits.

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He's overly sensitive to it cause he was surrounded by addiction growing up.

 

That stays with a person.

 

That said, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's wrong imo for trying to control you.

 

I most likely would not be able to remain with a person like this, but it's your call.

 

Not because I need to drink (I only drink occasionally now anyway) but because what's next?

 

Right now it's your drinking but what if down the road, he doesn't approve of something else?

 

Is he gonna attempt to squelch that too? Most likely, yes.

 

Just me but no thanks, buh bye.

That's it exactly!!!!! What next? Because other than this, I do what I want whenever and he's fine with it. I'm 90% of the time home anyway by choice. I dont like people much. [emoji6]
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At the same time watching the horrors of addiction you really don’t want to see more of it.

 

I understand that. Then what you do is leave, walk away and find someone who doesn't drink or drinks less.

 

Not attempt to control, or change your partner to soothe your own anxieties about it.

 

That's just wrong imo.

 

And like I said, even if OP were to cut back on her two beers, what's next?

 

Guy has got control issues, that's the problem.

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Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

 

I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?

 

What do you say to him when the "bam" happens?

 

You've known him since forever, did he not complain about you drinking before you moved in with him?

 

Does he go to al-alnon? If not, he probably should. It will help him to cope with what he had to witness growing up. Seems he's yet to put that horror to rest and is taking it into his adulthood.

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I have a real dislike for alcohol. I did grow up surrounded by alcoholism, which hasn't been hurting me emotionally for a long time, but the dislike just stayed. Know many people who want nothing to do with it, without any excuse of " past demons". I just don't like it. I don't like pot either. I don't necessarily think badly of people who enjoy those things, I just choose to not have them in my life.

It's avoidable, alcohol. Nobody actually needs it, so I don't like feeling pressured to accept it into my life and home. I don't date people who drink regularly, and if a partner started drinking later in the relationship, daily, I can imagine it being a concern.

 

Someone may not want to date a smoker.

 

It really is just a compatibility issue. It's not fair to say the only reason he could possibly have to reject it is him having some undealt with issues. He has preferences and deal breakers like everyone does.

 

If you like it too much to give it up and he hates it enough to keep bringing it up, and neither is looking for a compromise, maybe you're just not the best match.

 

I have to add, alcohol or something else, I'd be somewhat concerned about a partner reaching for it daily to unwind. A stressful workday is pretty much the norm, so if someone grabs a crutch to relax after that, daily, I might wonder how they would cope if something more serious was stressing them out. The habit needn't be full blown alcoholism, just the ever present crutch that would bother me.

 

He mentions drinking alone after work is worrying him. I can't argue the combination of the crutch and isolation has potential to grow into a problem. People lose control over that, it's not entirely wrong of him to think it might escalate.

 

I can see many people not ever batting an eyelid at this though.

 

If I were you I'd give myself a week or two to think about two things. If maybe I'm developing an unhealthy coping mechanism, and if I wanted to be will someone who can't accept my beer or two and for whom I don't want to give them up because I enjoy them.

 

Also, what do you mean BAM happens? Like some kind of a low key binge where you drink a few every day for weeks and then not?

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You've been a couple for a lot of years now. How long have you been in logger heads about this issue and what do you two plan to do about ending it? What resolutions/compromises have you BOTH come up with that the two of you can live with without it being a bone of contention?

 

... and again, I think he'd do well to start going to al-anon meetings.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, and we've known each other since..... forever practically. He grew up in a home full of drug addiction and alcoholism. (Oh, and we are in our 40's)

 

The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day. He says because I drink alone, (I get out of work at 2:30, he won't be home until after 6) I have a problem. He says if I drank socially or with him it's ok. (He will have a beer now and then, not often) However, this passed new years eve when he was dj'ing for the event (so he wasn't drinking) I had a few beers (4 to be exact) with a couple friends of ours. The next night out at dinner he made a comment about it. He actually kept tabs on his much I had.

 

Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.

 

I don't see anything particularly offensive about your talk here but you seem to be a bit edgy about the term 'alcoholic' and I don't blame you because it's a loaded word. I think both of you need to tone down your communications and watch the vocabulary because that term is quite heavy and antagonizing. If he hopes to open up any kind of constructive criticism, it's not useful throwing that term around. If anything he sounds very jealous that you get off work early and is coming across as exceedingly whiny and childish.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him to stop using that word or throwing that word around as it is counterproductive at accomplishing anything and not helpful in understanding each other. You should also explain to him that micromanaging you is offensive and unnecessary. If he has something to say, speak about it as two adults. I really don't give a flying - whether he grew up with alcoholism or addiction issues in his family. He's adult enough now and should have enough distance from his childhood to know how to conduct himself in a relationship where there's mutual respect. It takes two to tango.

 

Be as neutral as you can and also be assertive that put downs and loaded words or accusations are not tolerated. You are open to discussing any issues with him. See what he says and go from there. He may have nothing at all to say to you after that.

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I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?

 

Of course you are an adult and can do whatever you want... I do think the above statement lacks compassion and understanding of what he has been through though. People never really get over that kind of trauma, they just learn to live with it.

 

That all being said, you aren't wrong and neither is he and both of you are refusing to compromise. If you can't find a middle ground that works (or don't want to) then it's probably time to let this go and move on.

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Of course you are an adult and can do whatever you want... I do think the above statement lacks compassion and understanding of what he has been through though. People never really get over that kind of trauma, they just learn to live with it.

 

That all being said, you aren't wrong and neither is he and both of you are refusing to compromise. If you can't find a middle ground that works (or don't want to) then it's probably time to let this go and move on.

Exactly.

...:

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Of course you are an adult and can do whatever you want... I do think the above statement lacks compassion and understanding of what he has been through though. People never really get over that kind of trauma, they just learn to live with it.

 

That all being said, you aren't wrong and neither is he and both of you are refusing to compromise. If you can't find a middle ground that works (or don't want to) then it's probably time to let this go and move on.

 

and that's the jist of it.

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Clinically speaking, when you'd be considered an alcoholic depends on a range of factors, the amount of which you consume (at least anywhere near your levels) surprising to many is not being a strong criterion. Someone who only needs two beers to catch a buzz, only drinks those two beers once a week, but simply can't function that one evening a week without them would be an alcoholic. Some people drink double-digit units weekly and are perfectly healthy, physically and mentally.

 

That's not a PSA for people to go hog-wild as I consider alcohol much more potentially dangerous than half the **** that's restricted, but unless he can point out an aspect of your drinking which is demonstrably detrimental beyond you having had two that night, I'm not a fan of him calling you an alcoholic, even if just colloquially. I'm not exonerating you either, though. I don't know you or to what extent these beers do or don't affect you.

 

THAT SAID, you kinda know what you got into. This is gonna be a trigger for this guy. As someone who appreciates partaking more than some others, I can say I wouldn't choose someone with that kind of family history and who's particularly wary of it. It so happens both my wife and I have an alcoholic parent. It serves as more of having an ingrained hard-stop at a certain point than it does a deep-rooted fear. But that's not all people. Were I to choose your guy, I'd at the very least be ready for the moment it may well come time to compromise. I know that puts a lot on you, but you're the one here posting. If I could talk to him, I'd let him know for as understandable as his triggers may be, they're on him to handle. And if someone who drinks as often as you do but for whom the drinking isn't tangibly detrimental to your lifestyle, he's got just as much responsibility to take it or leave it.

 

Regardless, this is a fork in the road, and I wouldn't put off discussing how you two can agree on a path to go down.

 

On a personal and preachy note, like I said-- I like a buzz. I don't need it and cherish the majority of my life which is absent toxins in my system all the same. But it's a nice feeling. Still,

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I'm with katrina here, on the control front, and with everyone else who sees this as a compatibility thing.

 

I drink in the vein that it sounds like you drink. Love a glass of something at the end of the day—don't need it, go days without it, but honestly don't think too much about it. Never been an issue in my life, never been raised as an issue.

 

I've dated sober people, dated people who drink a bit more than me, people who drink less—no issues. I've dated people who smoke a fair amount of pot, which has never been my thing—I find it pretty lame, frankly—but I didn't have an issue with it since it didn't seem to be an issue for them and they were never the cliche of "stoned." Though all in all I kind of prefer those who don't smoke pot—a personal choice, just a way of keeping a potentially judgmental side of me at bay.

 

Assuming you're not glossing over some facts—downplaying the amount you drink or how you behave when drinking—then I'd just say you've both got fair points but you're not quite compatible, though there's a judgmental/controlling side coming out in him that just doesn't sit well with me. Feels like unprocessed wounds being projected onto you, which is often where control comes from.

 

I'm the son of a drunk and a coke addict, with some grade-A childhood trauma on that front and a father I don't know because of it, so rest assured I take this all seriously. Still, taking it seriously doesn't mean counting my partner's drinks and assuming she's about to morph into my father, especially if she's drinking in the way you're describing. When I've dated people who had problems real with substances and/or who used them in a way I found problematic—well, I just got out, preferring my adulthood to not be a mirror of my childhood, and preferring romance not to feel like rehab.

 

As j.man said it's time to have a conversation with him—a sober one, you could say, where you can express how you understand this is a trigger but are feeling uncomfortable with his drink counting and casual labeling of you an "alcoholic." Maybe there's a compromise to be reached, or maybe a way to better hear each other in general.

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